Call Out My Name • Dazai Osamu ✔

｢30/31｣

30. 'Until I went away and faced the lonely days, I thought I understood what it meant to love someone.'

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Ah man... I feel that way again...

The feeling of the earth swallowing you whole, and you keep on falling... And falling...

And you feel blank, except for an aching pain in your chest, that feeling.

And to stop that, you'd do anything...

Even if it is killing yourself.

I wonder if I am turning suicidal again, as I walk aimlessly along the road, past the crowds of people. I don't even know how I find myself walking my way to the nearest park. I inhale deeply, closing my eyes and sitting on the bench.

I am actually thankful when a familiar voice rasps my name and stops my miserable thoughts.

Akutagawa stands in front of me, and his hands at his back. I hurry to wipe my face, the tears that had begun to dry on my cheeks only re-reminding me of why I was sitting there. He blinks down at me, and I pat the spot beside my bench. He hesitates before he sits on it, making sure to sit furthest away from me as possible.

There is silence, and I am reminded about what I had minutes ago.

Why would I do that?

Dazai is a suicidal maniac, but without him, I'd be dead inside...

Which is exactly why he shouldn't go around saying things like that!

The thoughts do not leave my brain, and my head begins to hurt.

God, I totally fucked up.

I fucked up.

"Me too."

I turn to face him, and see that he is staring right at me as well.

Did I say it out loud?

"I fucked up too, Kira."

He definitely heard me.

"What did you do?" I ask, and his glance turns to a glare.

"I'm not telling you." He lets me know. I can't help but to smile a little. At least with Akutagawa, he was predictable and I can tell what would around on his mind.

He wasn't indecisive like Dazai.

But then again, Dazai probably wasn't indecisive either. Maybe he had it in his mind, and being the retard that I am, I had wishful thinking that maybe he changed, the same way I did.

I guess reality doesn't work that way.

Reality sucks.

"I was really harsh to a subordinate of mine." He whispers, making me glance away from my feet.

Knowing that I wasn't the only one who ruined things up made me feel a little at ease, and I pat his shoulder.

"Just say sorry. I'm sure Higuchi will understand if you tell her you're sorry."

"No, not Higuchi... Another subordinate. And she loves Dazai-san."

I blink up at this new information, and tilt my head.

"And you are worried about this because... why?"

"Kira, why were you crying?" He changes the subject. I could see that he wasn't comfortable in talking about the subordinate he has mentioned. Even he has feelings, after all. It's only natural to like someone.

When I don't reply and move my feet around in the sand, he lets out a soft sigh.

"Dazai-san did something terrible, right?"

I guess my silence is confirmation enough, and he stands up.

"I hate Dazai-san so much. He's always doing thing half-assed, ruining everything and never doing what he should be doing."

While all that is true, I doubted that he was meaning things in the same was as I was thinking then.

"And now he's hurting you, even though he dramatically claims to be in love with you. I knew it was a farce."

Damn, being heartbroken makes you so aware of even the most minute things, like the way Akutagawa's hair fluttered in the wind. He really is attractive, just as much as Dazai, I'd add. His forehead has creases on it while he continues to go on about what a disappointment Dazai is.

"If he's such a disappointment, why do you want him to acknowledge you that much?" I want to know, and see his pupils become narrower.

Akutagawa raises a hand to stifle a cough, before he turns around.

"Kira, I know this might be wrong of me to do in this situation while you're vulnerable, but I need to ask you something."

"What is it?"

I can hear him take a deep inhale before he turns to face me again.

With a hesitant look, I see the way his lips part a little. His eyes go wide, before he clutches my hand and begins running off.

"Hey wait where-"

"Shut up!" He hisses, and we hide behind an old oak tree.

I watch to where he is looking and see Akiko and Ranpo walking on the street. On one hand of Ranpo's is clutching a big plastic bag, and the other hand is intertwined with Akiko's hand. My heart begins to ache at their sight; seriously, bless all the good couples that ever exist, and make things work out in the end.

"Why, are you scared of Akiko?" I ask, and Akutagawa stares at me as if he thinks I'm the dumbest thing that had ever happened to him.

"I can kill her in three seconds flat." He says confidently, eyeing the two walking along the road and disappearing from view.

"So. Are you going to stay here all day or go back to your little Agency? I have a mission to attend to."

"Then go."

"But you..." His voice trails off, before his Rashomon pulls out. It then grabs hold of my waist, and he begins to walk north.

"HEY! Put me down!" I begin to wail, but he flat out ignores me and continues to walk calmly. There are people staring at us in shock, but they all run off when Akutagawa shoots a glare at them. He continues walking until he reaches the Armed Detective Agency building.

"Are you serious?" I cry out, and he lowers me to the ground, grabbing my hand when I try to make a run for it.

"You asked me to talk it out with Akiya and that she'd understand, right?"

Dang, his grip is hard.

"Akiya?"

"Don't change the subject. You said that. So you can't run off without talking to Dazai-san."

"You know, you're one weird person. One minute, you're trying to suffocate me to death, and the other you give me advice. you were cussing out Dazai minutes ago, can you hear yourself?" I say, and his lips twitch a little.

"I'll take my leave." He says, loosening his grip on my hand.

"Wait, what did you want to ask me earlier?" I grab hold of his hand, and he furrows his eyebrows at me disapprovingly.

He then swats my hand away and takes a step back.

"I was going to ask you if you'd join the Port Mafia. But now I think you'll give the same response as you did earlier." He says, and walks off.

"Till next time, Kira."

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a/n: IT'S BEEN A WHILE AAAAA
as some of you may have noticed from the way the chapters have been named newly, this is the second last chapter of this book! and i wanted akukira to happen a bit so yeyyyyyy. the last chapter will probably have 2k words or so (i usually write 1k words) so i hope ya'll are super excited for the next and final update! ♥
thank you so so much for 17k reads. :')