Be My Juliet [on hold]

Chapter 32

*Jess’s POV*

“Goodbye.” I say, waving to James who is sitting on his couch.  He doesn’t acknowledge me, his eyes fixed on his computer screen.  I feel my heart drop just a bit and walk out the door.

“I’ll call you when I want you back.” I hear him tell me just as I’m about to close the door.  My smile falters as I finally shut it and my mind starts racing again.  This can’t be my life, can it?  I can’t be the reason my friend’s upset; I can’t only be some guy’s fuck buddy; I can’t be the person I know I’m becoming. 

It all started a while ago.  It was before our fight, and Pen was over at Dan and Phil’s.  James had called the flat rather than her cell, and was in the midst of apologizing for bothering me when a light bulb must have clicked on in his brain.  He introduced himself, and we continued talking, and somehow an hour later I was going to his flat.  I never did anything like this, but for some reason I couldn’t stop myself from knocking on his door and letting him bring me into his bedroom.  I left that day with a feeling I’d never had before.  It was a cocktail of shame and ecstasy swirling around my stomach, and I soon grew to long for it. 

After Pen left, I soon realized that what I said wasn’t right.  However, I couldn’t let myself apologize; I was too angry with her. I began to drink to forget about it.  That day, still in an alcohol-induced haze, I called James and he came over, and I explained the situation.  Together, we formulated a plan to take away the one thing I thought I could- Dan.  I still don’t know what came over me; that intense rage that controlled my thoughts and led me to agree to one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard.  James was just happy to have him out of the picture, and didn’t really care about anything else.  I was the one that told him where Pen most likely went; I’m the one that told him to tweet his fans saying they were a couple; I was the one that started it all.  And now, I feel like shit for it.

Seeing Dan today was the final straw.  The way I could still tell he was in love with Pen even though he had just heard something so terrible about her was unreal.  If anything, it only drove him to prove to her that he was worth it more, and I knew his jealousy was quickly turning into anger towards James and desire for Pen.  I knew that it wouldn’t be easy to break them up, and to be honest I’m not sure I particularly cared enough to do so.  I just wanted to make the clocks turn back.

I realize that I had been wandering, and stop to figure out exactly where I am and how the hell I got there.  I spot a Starbucks, and head inside to get a mid-afternoon pick me up.  I get my usual coffee and find a place to sit before taking out my phone.  I lift my head and look around quickly, losing interest in the device momentarily after I see no new messages.  That’s when I spot him.

It’s Phil, his fingers interlaced with those of a girl sitting opposite him in a booth across the coffee shop.  He can’t see me, or if he can he hasn’t noticed me, but I have a clear view of him.  His eyes are blue as ever, and his smile still the same.  A pang of yearning hits my stomach, telling me to get up and talk to him, to make him mine again.  Suddenly I find myself on my feet, and I’m slowly getting closer to him, and I can’t stop myself. 

I raise my hand to wave at him when his eyes meet mine.  Instantly they go dark, and he excuses himself from the table and rushes over to me.  “Hey Phil…” I say with a weak smile.

“What do you want, Jess?” he spits back.

“Phil,” I repeat, wanting nothing more than to hug him.  My hand reaches up to rest on his chest, but he flings me off.

“I said: what do you want?”

“I want to talk.  I want to-“ I start, but he cuts me off.

“I’m past talking.  What you did to Penelope was so incredibly wrong, and knowing that you could even do such a thing to someone you say you care about only makes me want to stay further away from you.”  You don’t know the half of it, I tell him in my mind.

“Please, let me just-“

“You know what? No.  I don’t want to talk to you anymore.  I don’t want to see you; I don’t want to associate with you; I don’t want you bothering anyone I care about anymore.  Goodbye.” He says too quickly for me to add another word.  He spins on his heels and walks back to his table, leaving me standing in the middle of a sea of people with the deepest sense of loneliness I’ve ever had in my life. 

“I’m sorry.” I say under my breath, willing him to hear it even though he is out of earshot.  He looks back at me callously, probably wanting me to leave.  And so I do. 

I grab my coffee from my table and head out the door, brushing away the tears that are starting to spring up.  I bolt home, figuring out where I am rather quickly as I run through the streets.  I slam the front door as more thoughts start swimming around my head.  Thoughts of how awful I must have made my best friend feel; thoughts of how I tried to rip apart the best relationship she’s ever had.  Without thinking I call her mobile, and there is an answer after the first two rings.

“Pen?” I say hopefully and as cheerfully as I can manage.

“No,” a male voice I immediately recognize replies, “Dan.”

“Hey Dan,” I say, still trying to sound happy.  “I was wondering if I could speak to Penelope please…”

“Jess, I’m not in the mood for your bullshit right now, and neither is Pen.”

“Will you just let me talk to her?”

“Why?  So you can scream at her?  I’m not letting you anywhere near her; I love her too much to have her be hurt by someone like you.  The only thing you’re doing is screwing with her head, and mine- speaking of, why the fuck were you at James’ flat today?”

“I can explain that-“

“I’m sure you can, but to be honest, I’m not sure if I want you to.  Please don’t call anymore.”  Before I utter another syllable, he hangs up. 

At that moment, I feel the crystalline structure of my life start to shatter around me.  Before, I hadn’t let its unstable walls worry me, because I always had at least a bit of alcohol in my system.  Now, I’m all burned out, and can really see the damage I’ve created for myself and for my friends. 

Another set of tears starts to trail down my cheeks as I open up the fridge and grab a snack.  I find some leftover Chinese, and don’t bother to heat it up before I settle into the couch and pull up Netflix.  I put on the first decent-looking movie I see, only wanting it to drown out my head.  However, it was to not avail, because for the entire time, all I could focus on was the emptiness of my flat, devoid of life now that Pen has left, and the emptiness I feel whenever I think of everything I once had.

YAY A NEW CHAPTER :D I hope you guys liked it! We haven’t had Jess’ POV in a while, so I thought it’d be interesting to see what she was thinking.  Today in the comments I’d like to hear what you think of Jess’ position- do you feel bad for her or do you think she deserves this kind of treatment? Please let me know!  Also, I’d just like to let you guys know that because I’m back at school, I may not update as often as I do (I’m saying that as though I update all the time when I think we’ve all come to agree that I’m as bad as Dan at actually finishing something on time) I'd also like to thank each and every one of you that follow me, because I just hit 300 followers and I  started to scream.  Another quick thing: All of you should go check out @Bethan260's fanfiction!  If you look in the character list, I'm there! I screenshotted it and actually flip every time I see it.  This chapter is dedicated to Miss @NinjaCassa for the lovely fanart on the side!  If you want to make something for this story, PLEASE send me a link to it as I would love to see it and I’d just die of happiness aahh If you do, I’ll dedicate any chapter you like to you, so long as it isn’t dedicated to anyone else.  As usual, please comment if you fancy, vote if you liked this chapter, and follow me if you want to know when I’ll update next! Stay amazing xx