Fourtris Now and Forever: Divergent No War

| c h a p t e r 61 |

On the walk back to the apartment, I try not to delve into my thoughts, fears, and suspicions. I intend to focus on the little things. His smell, his presence, the floor. The way his arm brushes against mine occasionally as we turn a corner.

The silence is tranquil and the only noise is the distant echo of the Dauntless in The Pit. He looks to his side, right at me. I turn up to meet his gaze quickly. His eyes look dark and worried.

I don't know why I'm going to talk to him, but forgiveness is what he wants. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to understand and accept what happens. If I'm able, then forgiveness is plausible.

I know this is just a bump in our relationship, but it's a big one. One that may be too large to get past because I don't know if I have the will to climb it. Hopefully, he'll tell me what I need to hear. That will give me the motivation to forgive him.

I'm doubtful of what will happen today, and in all fairness I'm still livid about what happened. Part of me wonders what it would be like to test the waters with other guys. He's my first boyfriend; I've never explored what other men have to offer. Why would I have to?

Was I too naive to think Tobias was going to be the only man I wouldever be with? People have told me how rare it is that you will actually end up with your first boyfriend.

I'm taken away from my thoughts when I feel a brush against my hand. A jolt of electricity runs on the skin of my fingers as his brush against mine. I look downward as he slowly moves his fingers to intertwine with mine, but I pull my hand away and start walking quicker.

My mind runs rampant once again with no boundary. This time I focus on the past and not the future. Did he plan to go out to the bar with Madison that night? She had visited earlier in the day.

I remember their little conversation, trying to recall anything that may serve as evidence. The sound, I think frantically. The one I dismissed. The one that sounded like a kiss but I decided to have faith. The one I tried not to jump to conclusions on.

Immediately afterward, he came back to me and had a heated make out session. I need an explanation. I will demand one. The silence urges me to just stop here and yell at him. But inside will have to do.

I look up at him with disgust, but he doesn't notice. His eyes are droopy and his lips in a fine line with worry. He seems to have aged by the second while I was gone. His face isn't carefree and his emotions not guarded. I can almost read everything on his face like a book.

Guilt. Depression. Anxiety. Nervousness. Sadness. All things that I would be concerned to see on his face at any other point in time. Instead, it almost makes me happy that he's feeling the repercussions of his actions.

He takes a deep breath as we arrive at the apartment door. The pronoun I use to think about the apartment makes me sad. 'The' not 'our'.

He quickly and expertly turns the lock. When the door swings open, he takes off his heavy jacket and places it on the couch. I stand with my arms folded and a stern look of my face.

He looks back at me concerned. I want to scream at him. I want to yell. But I don't.

"You okay?" he asks, his voice deep. He tentatively takes a step toward me.

I scoff. "Am I okay? You've got to be kidding me, am I okay?? That's what you have to say to me? That's how you want to start this? I'm obviously not okay, Four."

He holds his hands. "I'm sorry. It was a stupid thing to ask."

I bite my lip, starting to tear up. "Come get me when you have something of substance to say to me," I say back away toward the door. "Because right now you don't. And I don't like that."