Finding Submission

13 Not Fine

Marissa pulled her hood up over her hair that was in a ponytail and tried to keep the harsh wind from whipping at her face. It whirled around and the only real thing she had to be thankful about the weather was that the snow finally stopped.

Marching towards the front door of her Auntie's house she sighed in frustration. The Doctor had not given her good news at her appointment today.

Getting inside and shutting the door with her foot as she pulled off her scarf she took a moment to take a deep breath and frown down at her hands that were holding her scarf.

Everything seemed to be so ... empty. Even her hands, holding the scarf, felt useless. Closing her eyes she tried to block out the dark thoughts crowding her mind. "Everything is fine. I am fine. It's fine." She whispered to herself trying to make herself believe it.

"What's find my Dear?"

Marissa opened her eyes as she jumped seeing Blithe standing in the hallway with her reading glasses slid down her nose and her ample dark hair pulled up into a perfect bun.

"It's nothing Auntie." Marissa forced a smile on her face and turned away taking off her coat and putting it and her scarf on the hook by the door.

"Come into the kitchen Rissa." Blithe's voice was commanding yet still gentle.

Turning Marissa saw that she was already leading the way into the kitchen and she tried to take a deep breath and summon enough energy to keep that smile on her face. "What is it Auntie?"

When she walked into the kitchen she saw her Aunt getting two bowls out of the cupboard and two spoons from the drawer. "Sit and talk with me about your day Deary." Blithe gave her a patient smile and then got into the freezer and took out two different Icecream tubs. She put two scoops of rainbow sherbert into Marissa's bowl and two scoops of Cherry Chocolate into her own before putting the tubs back.

Marissa sat slowly infront of the bowl of her favorite frozen treat and stared at the colorful goodness. Suddenly it was so much harder to keep that smile on her face. "It was fine."

"Was it?" Blithe took a spoonful of her own cherry chocolate icecream and enjoyed it as she watched Marissa expectantly. "How was your doctor appointment?"

Marissa took hold of her spoon and sluggishly drug it along her treat. "... Dr. Wagner said that I was healing well." It almost hurt to smile at that.

"Hmm." Blithe took another bite of her desert. "And?"

Marissa flicked her eyes down at her treat and felt a lump form in her throat. "Uh. Well... I asked him about the... the scars. And he said that I could get them fixed."

Blithe arched a brow and asked. "That's good new right?"

Marissa looked down at the bowl unable to meet Blithe's eyes. "Yeah... He uh... He told me that it would take about three skin grafts... and that... " It was getting hard to speak so she took a bite of her shurbert. The sweet tang of taste that bloomed over her tongue felt like a stab in the back. It shouldn't taste good... It shouldn't taste good while she had to say the next sentence. "He said that ... if my body accepted the skin grafts it would only take 8 months... But that he couldn't start until they found tissue that matched me... Which would be hard since I am AB- bloodtype..." Marissa was still smiling as she felt a wetness on her cheek. "He told me I have a 35% chance of finding an acceptable match..."

She put more of the sweet cold treat on her spoon and tasted salt from her tears mix with the sweetness.

There was a long pause of silence and only the clinking of spoons scraping bowls idly was heard.

Then Marissa's hand was taken slowly by Blithe. Looking up Marissa saw tears welled up in Blithe's eyes. "I will help with whatever I can Rissa... You know that right? I will be here for you and you will always have a home here. It's okay to feel whatever you are feeling right now."

Marissa wiped her cheeks with her free hand and shook her head. "I'm fine Auntie."

"No... you're not. Not yet. And that's okay. It's okay to not be fine Rissa." Blithe wrapped her arms around Marissa and held her.

Marissa clung to Blithe and let out a sob into her shoulder. Blithe held her and rocked her slowly as Marissa sobbed and cried softly in her arms.