Diary of a teenage Christian

My heart isnt where it needs to be: chapter 25

Change is hard, it's really hard when you've been through things no one should go through. I start to treat people how I'm treated, and I know it's wrong. I suck at picking and choosing my battles, because I always have something to say; or some type of reaction. I don't think before I speak, and my mind isn't on God when I think or speak. Before Christmas break I was on a roll, bible studies almost everyday, and if I wasn't doing a bible study; I was doing a journal entry or just pray to God. Now it's break, and I can't even bring myself to do one, my mom started working late hours and I have to constantly keep watching over my sibs, making sure they don't burn the house down or something. In someways I treat them how my mom treats me, and I don't want to be the people that hurt me. I want to be the loving sister, but it's hard. They're getting to where they want to say no to everything I tell them, lm lost. Since I'm left home with my mothers bf, it's pretty much world war 3 everyday. I don't respect him, not even a little; and I can't bring myself to sit here and pretend. Since how I am not a kid anymore, I am no longer blind to life and feed into the lies, I see things for what they really are; I've got bad memories of my childhood that no one knows about burnt into my head, I cant forget them. Life is pretty f'd up if I just say so myself, I feel like I'm not enough for people. Like I want to be forever wanted by someone, a need in someone's life. Not just someone they come to when, they want something; I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I know as we get older people will come, people will go and when we die it'll just be us by ourselves, until we see the other side! You know I was so low this past week I questioned God, I said he had made a mistake bringing me into this world, because I was so small they wanted my mom to kill me, but she didn't and here I am. I feel like such a failure most times, I don't know how to be. I just feel empty and careless most days, it's not even funny; but I walk around like its all ok, and it's not. Sometimes I feel like it never will be, and having anxiety and depression just makes things ten times worse. A part of me knows God is the only one that will love me to know end, and He is the real prize, but the ignorant part of me is searching for earthly happiness; and to be honest this world can't offer me anything. So constantly being a Christian, and fighting with my natural human being; I know like Paul, fighting  the good fight, and finishing the race is going to all be so worth it. I will forever be fighting, because Jesus is worth it and God deserves it.

A/N
In my chapter spirit lead me, I talked about me doing mission work and starting a bible study club and the struggle in that, and I know that then its wasn't the time, but now I have started one and even though only 2 or 3 people are there, I thank God for opportunity! I just pray that I can get more people to come and that it really helps these teens.