BOOK SUGGESTIONS/ CRITICIZE FOR FREE! :)

The white rabbit

Dearest Kai-chan...

I think you should edit your story. There is a bit too much dialogue, not enough acknowledgement of the character's surroundings, and I'm not sure of the character's (Emily's) personality. She seems like a simple, naive, intelligent girl who smiles and cares for others. When she grinned and acted a bit cocky, it threw me off.

Also, how old is she? It's not obvious.... And I'd like you to put a good description of Emily every once in a while. Questions for you to answer throughout the story...

-Age?

-Parents?

-Parents' jobs?

-Siblings?

-Other friends?

-Grade?

-Jobs if at age?

-Where does she live?

-Year? (around)

-More of her dad?

-Okay she got hit by a car they usually go unconscious!

Sorry lost it but it's too casual!! Nice cliffhanger, but you should make it more descrptive!! And it happens too fast.... Could you rewrite it, the slower version? I'd like to know the kind of life she leads, is she a natural leader? Is she a follower? What is her social status? You may want to include details like her room, how big her house is, even little things, like her favorite color!

People are suckers for those kind of things... Continue writing, I'm curious as to who/what Alice is!

Sincerely,

Noname O.o

25 July 2011