I woke up and at first I didn't realize Zac wasn't next to me. But when I did, I quickly got up and called for him. No respond. I wondered if he left. It was 4.30pm and the sun was shining in the room, I felt warm. I got up and walked to the wall to see if I could see him there, but nope. There was a nurse in the hall and I asked her if she'd seen him, she said she'd seen him downstairs with someone so I thanked her and took the elevator downstairs. In the elevator I saw myself in the mirror and realized I was still wearing joggers and an oversized shirt and my hair was a mess. Well, there was no way back now anyways. The elevator stopped and I got out. I saw Zac immediately. He was drinking coffee in the little restaurant which was in the building. His head was leaning on his hand palm. He wasn't looking good, his eyes were read and I thought he must have cried. I walked over to him, but he didn't even see me coming. I moved a chair and sat next to him. He turned his head and I felt so sorry for him eventhough I didn't know exactly what was going on.
"Zac?"
"Yeah" He said with a broken voice. At least he talked back.
"What's wrong?"
He said nothing. I turned his head to me with my hand and saw he didn't want me to see he cried.
"Zac, why did you cry?"
"It's nothing, don't worry. Just thoughts"
"But talk to me about your thoughts Zac. I want to know what you're thinking about"
He looked me in the eyes now and I knew he was gonna be serious.
"I've just been thinking about how, and it's my fault."
"What, why?" I took his hand.
"Look, I want to discuss this when we're home, kay. Just like you wanted to discuss the other thing at home"
"Okay" I had to understand it cause I said the same, but I just wanted to know what he meant.
"Let's go home than" I said.
I got up and he followed. I told the nurses I decided to go already and it was okay if someone would stay with me. I packed my stuff and went home with Zac. It was a quiet ride, we were both thinking about the conversation we would have when we come home. Zac was driving and we went to his house, or our house, I don't know what to call it. We arrived and before we got out Zac took my hand and looked at me.
"Listen, I'm not mad, just in case you're thinking that. I'm just thinking a lot and that makes me quiet and I can react angrily, but I don't mean it like that, okay"
I smiled and kissed his cheek.
"I know baby, you don't have to tell me that" He smiled and we got out and walked into the house where we sat down on the couch with something to drink. It was not a comfortable atmosphere at all, but we both knew it was important to discuss this. First we were quiet for a while and then suddenly we both began to speak at the same time. We also stopped talking at the same time.
"Okay, you first" I said.
"Okay" He looked at the ground.
"I've been stupid"
I thought it would better to just let him talk so I said nothing. He turned his face to mine now.
"Emily, I've been stupid. Remember the morning after your party? I nodded.
"Well, I forgot something important and it's my fault it's because I was drunk the day before and I just didn't have to drink that much that night! I'm so sorry, it's all my fault I didn't want this. I didn't want you to have pain..." I knew what he was talking about and felt my body shiver. He laid his head in his hand palm and I heard him breathing through his nose searching for air.
"Hey, hey. Come on, it's not your fault, come on what do I have to say? It's also my fault, I also must've paid more attention and I-"
"Oh come on Emily just say it. Just say it's my fault. I know that's what you're thinking. Just tell me the fucking truth!"
He scared me, I didn't understand why he was yelling at me now. I only tried to make him feel less guilty, because he is not the only one who's guilty. Did he really want me to say something I didn't mean? Ugh, I felt the tears coming again, but I didn't want it. I gritted my teeth to hold it in.
"What do you want me to say?"
"Just say it's my fault. Just say the truth"
"But it's not the truth!"
"Stop that bullshit Emily, we both know it is!"
"Don't be so pathetic!"
"Pathetic?! I just try to tell you the fucking truth! Why can't you just LISTEN to me?!"
"I listen to you all the time! Why do you want me to say something I don't even want to say?! Why the hell is it so important to you that I say it was your fault?! Can't you just be happy with how I reacted on it now?" I cried, ugh again. He laid his hand on my arm, but I shook it off.
"Stop!"
"Baby, I don't want to fight, I'm sorry" He sounded really startled.
"Stop saying sorry all the time when there's nothing I want you to say sorry for!"
"I'm-" I gave him a look. I was so pissed that he couldn't just stop about it and be happy that I don't blame him for anything. Isn't that just better? Why does he have to make so much drama? I felt like I had to puke so I walked upstairs to the bathroom and before I locked the door, I said:
"Maybe Jenna and Lizzy were right. I can't have this kid with you"
I stayed there for a while until I heard him going to bed. I went to the couch and laid down. I pulled a blanket over me. I would sleep here tonight, he has to know that I'm angry. I couldn't sleep, I kept waking up every time I heard something. Finally I decided to just go to bed, but I was quiet and didn't sleep to close to him. It didn't make sense anyways, he was still awake. He leaned over me and I could feel his body warmth, but I didn't want to respond.
"I'm happy you came, I couldn't sleep. I really want to talk" He whispered. I was just too tired to talk, I didn't respond and pretended to be asleep already. He sighed and turned away. He laid down, both looking to the other side of the room. That's how we fell asleep.
