This night was different. I liked it but I felt that it was not the same as other times. The whole week was different. I still felt mad and sad but I knew there was nothing to do about it so I just tried to enjoy the last weeks before he was leaving. He also behaved differently, but I still loved him and he loved me. Eventhough we both acted different and it was all different, we did it like every night. Maybe because it made us feel good, not like how the rest of the day was. Just the same as before. Or maybe because we both knew we wouldn't see each other for a while and we can't touch each other for a while, so we had to do it now. And it did feel good everytime, it really did. But it was still different from other times. We still loved each other, but it was just the feeling that we wouldn't see each other for so long. At least for me it was, I don't know if Zac had another reason. Or maybe it was even the same for him as always, but I don't think that. So we didn't do much these last weeks. We made some walks in the forest and Lizzy & Jenna came one day so that was nice. I told them what was going to happen and they really helped me with their lovely words so that's good. The last day was there and I felt worse than all the days before. I woke up and the first thing I thought of was "No, don't leave, just stay" as I was staring at his sleeping face. I have thought about it so much last weeks. Why did I fall in love with an amazing superstar actor? But the problem is, I am in love, I am totally in love and there's nothing to do about it. And that's why it hurts so much. I want to be with him and be in love with him, just be together and be in love. Cause when being in love, skyping is not enough. I want to have him here around me, that I can see him whenever I want. That I can hear his voice whenever I want and that I can touch him whenever I want. It's hard. He packed his clothes and stuff today and I helped him. I stole some of his clothes so I could wear them and smell him. I wondered if I would think of him all the time when he is gone, or that I can also have a moment when I don't think of him. Mariah came today, we exchanged phone numbers in case something would happen. Zac said I could stay in his home if I wanted to, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to be alone in such a big house, the house of Zac, Zac who wouldn't be there. I said I would just go to my parents. They loved it when I called to say that I would stay there again. I've worked in the store for a couple of hours last weeks, not really long. When Zac is gone I will work there much more again. I'm lucky to have Melody cause she is an amazing store runner and I can trust her on everything. I actually felt good to go back to work again, cause I love my store. The time actually went really slow but then it was suddenly time to say goodbye. We already took the whole day to say goodbye, but now he's really going away. His taxi (which was more a limousine) arrived and waited for him on the driveway. I was sad again, also mad. Mad that he was so relaxed to go away while I really didn't feel good. I know that this is what he does all his life, but I am new, this is the first time we have to miss each other for so long. Isn't that hard for him? He noticed that I was a bit mad.
"Come on, I don't want to leave when you're mad.." He said.
"Than don't, cause I will be mad anyways."
He dropped his bag, which he had already picked up and grabbed my hands. He looked at them and then looked at my eyes. I could see tears which I already had for a while but now he had them too.
"You have to know that I'm really sad to leave you now, okay. And it is really hard for me if you think it isn't. I just tell myself all the time, I'm going to see her soon again and it's going to be amazing. It's gonna feel like the best day of my life and it will feel so good, it will feel so good that we forget this time we didn't see each other. I love you Emily. I'm gonna miss you so much"
He kissed me and pushed me tight against him. He stopped and grabbed his bag with one hand while holding my hands with the other.
"I'm really gonna miss you too Zac" I said through my tears. His hand slid over mine and then he let go. He put his bag in the trunk and the taxi driver didn't seem to care to wait for so long. Zac stepped in and did his window open. I came closer.
"I love you Emily. Take care, I'll see you soon baby"
"See you soon baby. I love you more." I said. He told the taxi driver he could go. Then he left and I waved till he was gone. I felt useless and just wanted to cry. I packed my stuff and waited for my Mom to come and get me. We drove home and I was staring out of the window. I hate the feeling of missing him, I hate it.
