FORBIDDEN LOVE SERIES: THE MISTRESS

THIRTY ONE

I keep on looking at Duke who is driving beside me. He became quiet and serious after he talked to that woman named Harrietta. She affected him. Her presence affected him. Her opinion about me matters to him.

Kinagat ko ang labi ko. Namuo ang inis sa dibdib ko. I know that I'm not perfect. There is so much about me that can make you think I'm worser than worst.

I looked at myself in the car window. I only have my pretty face and that's the only thing that I have. I'm not smart. I'm selfish, greedy, ambitious and materialistic. Yes. At first, I was after his money. I wanted to experience this kind of life. But little did I know, this life is kind of suffocating.

I don't know my worth now. I question myself more.

Sino na nga ba ako?

I gulped the stone of pain in my throat and secretly wiped my tears. Duke was too preoccupied with what happened earlier to notice that. That thought added more heaviness in my chest.

Galit ako. Nagseselos ako. I want him to love me. 'Yon nalang ang nag-iisang rason ko. I don't care if he doesn't have money.

I love him. I fell for him.

I clutched on my chest. I'm hurting.

"Duke" after a while of being silent, I managed to say.

Tila wala naman siyang narinig. Dire-diretso siyang pumasok sa unit niya at naiwan naman akong humahabol sa mga hakbang niya.

"Duke" I tried calling him again and he finally faced me. "Are you okay?"

Ang tapang ko. Mabuti nalang at hindi ako nautal. Takot ako sa makukuha kong reaksiyon mula sa kaniya pero mas takot ako kung wala akong malalaman. Mas nangingibabaw ang kagustuhan kong makakuha ng sagot mula sa kaniya.

Paano kung wala lang pala ang babae sa kaniya. Paano kung mahal din pala niya ako. Hindi babaeng kinaaawaan lang at tinutulungan.

"Ayos ka lang ba?" I asked again when he didn't answer.

Duke looked at me as if he was pleading me to stop. I'm stubborn. Siguro naman ay alam niya ang bagay na yon ngayon.

"Duke, is she your ex?"

Umiling siya. Ang akala ko makakahinga ako ng maluwag dahil doon, dahil wala naman palang namagitan sa kanila ng babae pero tila mas lalo lang akong nalugmok sa sunod niyang sinagot.

"I loved her. The only reason I got married is because of her"

Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kaniya. Nilagpasan ko siya at nagtungo sa couch para umupo doon. I looked at Duke who stayed standing there and just looking at me. He was looking at me as if he was reading my reaction.

I smiled at him. I tried so hard with that smile. Tinapik ko ang space sa tabi ko. "Halika dito. I am a good listener. Aba, pambato ako sa amin kapag kailangan nila ng payong pag-ibig"

Duke shook his head. Tila may kahulugan ang ginawa niyang yon. He walked towards me and sat beside me.

"You talk as if you have a lot of experience in love" seryoso ang boses niya ngayon, maging ang mga mata niya. Kung kanina ay parang ang lalim ng iniisip niya, ngayon ay parang may kung anong hinahanap siya sa mukha ko.

"So she's like your first love?" That's a sour taste, like it was too hard to say. I asked it though. Wala na ngang bawian. Sasaya ba ako sa pananakit ko sa sarili ko? Fetish ko ba ang saktan ang sarili ko?

Umiling si Duke. He was staring at me the whole time. I thought he's not going to say something but he started speaking again.

"My first love is in asylum now" he stopped. Mukhang nahuli niya ang pagkabigla ko. "My second love..." he stopped and then he averted his eyes from me. "I loved Harrietta, it was before. I was the reason why she got parted with her love. She was pregnant when she left him, I was there for her. I needed to be there for her.