EXCHANGE OF HEARTS [BL]

KABANATA 40

Blood drips on Atlas's hands as he punched Timothy again on the face. Punched. Punched. Punched. He do it repeatedly. His eyes are full of vengeance, dark and he's barbaric. Light died in his eyes, there's no mercy on it as he continued breaking Timothy's face.

It didn't leave Atlas's mind the memory of what he witnessed earlier. Timothy's moving up and down on Race. Timothy raping Race. Race's eyes full of sadness and hurt and hope died in his eyes. Race's tied up on a chair and he's helpless while Timothy was enjoying himself and there's Race dying.

Fuck that. Punched doesn't enough for him. He should—

“Let's go, Atlas,” Sebastian interrupted him. “Let's burry him—”

“I'm not done yet.” There's no emotion left in his voice.

“Atlas, he's dead. You cannot hurt what is dead—”

“It's not enough, you know?” Atlas said, tracing the bullet hole on Atlas's forehead down to his chest, to his belly, to his abdomen and down to Timothy's manhood. Timothy's manhood cut off when Atlas shot it multiple times. He doesn't like what he witnessed, Atlas felt like he's trembling with anger. He cannot understood himself, he wanted to break anything he saw.

“He raped Race. Race is broken because of this fucking bastard. He can't collect Race's pieces since it's already shattered.” Atlas stood up, he's not blinking as he stared down at Timothy's dead body. “I don't know what to do, Sebastian. I am too late, my Race is already broken and I cannot do anything so he'll come back to his old self.” Atlas turned to face Sebastian and he stared like he didn't know who's standing in front of him. It felt like he cannot see clearly because he was flooded with so much emotion right now.

Atlas doesn't know what to think anymore. His mind was full of so much thoughts. He doesn't know what to do first, he felt like he's useless because he cannot do anything.

Atlas also blamed himself for what happened at Race. He kept on blaming himself. If he just arrived earlier, he'll be able to save Race before that motherfucking bastard did something horrible at Race. If he just arrived on time perhaps this will not happened.     

“I don't want to lose him,” he whispered. “I am lost without him.” He continued. “What should I do now? He's in the hospital, battling for his life and I should be there to fight with him, but I am here, terrified and weak.”

Atlas for the first time felt like his heart shattered into pieces. He wanted to cry, but he stop himself.

“Then go there, stay beside him—”

“I can't do that—”

“Why the fuck is that—”

“—because I cannot face, Race! It will break my heart seeing him in that condition! I feel the guilt whenever I see him! I am fucking at fault! If I arrived on time perhaps this will not happened, yet I am too slow! My heart can't take to be there!” Atlas exclaimed and he shouted, kicked the chair and he let his anger to embraced him.

He shot his gun everywhere while he shouted. Sebastian let him do that to release the tension and the anger that Atlas felt today. Perhaps it is the way to let his emotions out.

“You did everything, you are not at fault,” Sebastian said after a minutes.

Atlas shook his head and wiped his tears with his shirt. “No. No. This is my fault. I knew that Timothy was really a bad thing and I have this feeling that something will happened and I have gut that Timothy will do something, but I didn't do anything to stop this. I-I...If I followed my feelings and my instinct perhaps I'll be able to prevent this to happen.” Atlas trembled. “If...If I were just wary this will not gonna happened.”

“Fuck that bullshit, Atlas,” Sebastian walked toward him. Atlas looked up, but his attention brought down to Sebastian's shoulder—it was bleeding.

“I shot you.” Said Atlas with eyes wide.

“Don't care,” Sebastian said and dropped his hands on Atlas's shoulder. “I don't care what you think. I don't care if you blame yourself, I just want you to stay beside Race. That boy needs you there. You should be tough for Race.”

Atlas stared and said nothing. Sebastian continued. “You should be there when Race will open his eyes. He's fighting for his own life right now,”

Atlas's heart throbbed and it is hurt.

Fuck that.

He didn't know that Race have a heart disease! Race kept this from him and it irritated him. Atlas was clueless what happened to Race earlier. He's burning hot and his breathe was unsteady, too shallowed and faster than the normal breathe of a person. Atlas panicked and he cannot move from where he was glued. Thankfully, Sebastian dragged him out from him reverie and they brought Race to the nearest hospital and that's when Race knew that Race had a palpitation and his heart is weak.

Atlas thought he was going to be crazy. He's spacing out sometimes and he cannot focus, he kept on walking back and forth. His mind was full of angry and guilt.

When Race's parents arrived, they break the news to him that Race have heart disease and sometimes he experience palpitation and need to bring to the hospital.

Atlas doesn't know who he should hate: himself because he cannot do anything to ease Race's pain, and he was to late when he arrived to save Race, and he felt hopeless.; or Race because he didn't tell him his condition. If Race tells him sooner perhaps he won't panicked.; or he should hate Race's parents because they didn't tell him the truth, they kept this all from him and it makes him mad more.; and the last person he hates is Timothy. This will not be happened if he didn't started this. If he didn't kidnapped Race, this won't be happening right now.

“You need to know his explanation right?” Asked Sebastian—Atlas didn't realized that he already wrapped up his wound.

“I'll let him rest first before I ask for an explanation,” he replied and let himself fell on the ground.

“What are you going to do now?” Asked Sebastian again.

Atlas looked at Timothy's dead body and said, “bury this motherfucker.”

         
                       * * *


It's been five days since that incident happened. Yesterday, Race finally opened his eyes. The first person he saw was his father wearing its worried and red eyes—perhaps Isaiah's been crying because his eyes are tired and sore.

Isaiah cried in front of him while hugging Race, Isaiah kept on saying sorry. He also blamed himself for what happened, that's not it. Hades who was also guilty for what happened.

Nonetheless, Race told them that it's not their fault that he was kidnapped by a psycho. Race on the other hand, blamed himself more for bot being wary. If he already told about this to hi parents perhaps they all prevented this. If he didn't kept what he noticed at Timothy's weird actions those past few weeks perhaps this will not going to happened. If he told Atlas about this earlier—if he just trust Atlas about his gut to Timothy, perhaps Atlas will do something to make Timothy stop and this, what happened to him will never gonna happened in the first place.

Race didn't told his parents that he blamed himself because it will just added to their worried, and Race won't let that happened.

Speaking of Atlas, he never saw that man since he opened his eyes. He never asked his parents about Atlas because he's waiting for Atlas to showed up. Perhaps, Atlas was busy and he cannot visit him, whatever it is he'll wait Atlas to visit him.

Time to time, Race noticed that his father—Isaiah always glanced at him like he's waiting for him to ask a question, yet Race chose not to ask anything.

Everything happened still fresh and every time he closed his eyes he always saw Timothy's face—laughing at him and licking his body. Humiliating him and hurting him.

Race can't sleep every night, nightmare always visited him in his dreams. Always taunting him until he can't sleep anymore—petrified that Timothy will show up again in his dream.

Race was paranoid too, whenever the door cracked opened he's trembling so bad. His eyes can't focus, also his mind. He's tired of this. He badly want to cry, but he cannot show any fear in front of his parents.

Isaiah and Hades didn't know that every night he have a nightmare and it end up he couldn't sleep anymore. Even though he's wide awake, that incident comes into his mind and shattered his soul into pieces.

Race can still feel Timothy's tongue on his neck and Timothy's mouth and ass on his manhood and every time that crossed to his mind, he breaks into pieces and he cried silently praying that this nightmares will go away—but that's not easy though. It hard as he think.

One week passed and that nightmares won't go away. Always taunting him, haunting his dreams until he cannot take it anymore. Sometimes, he woke up in the middle of the night crying and he kept on saying ‘help’ even though no ones heard his silent protest.

Atlas still didn't visited him in the hospital, Race was worried. What if his thought was right that Atlas was disgusted because he's dirty. What Atlas actually left him because someone already took him? What if Atlas will looked at him with disgusted eyes? What if Atlas won't talk to him again?

That was added to his worried.

Tonight, Race jerked and he suddenly sat up on his bed. He's panting so hard, his breathe was shallowed, but he's not experiencing palpitation.

Timothy chased him in his dream again. It's a nightmare actually. Timothy was laughing and he dreamt of Timothy moving up and down on his manhood and him—shouting for a help, but no one ever heard him.

Race inhale a sharp breathe as he wiped the tears that escaped in his eyes.

Damnit. His parents worried at him, even though they will not going to vocalize it, nonetheless, Race can read their actions and their eyes. Isaiah kept on watching him—his every move and Isaiah's eyes full of worried and Race knew that his father wanted to ask something to him, but chose not to.

On the other hand, Hades kept on encouraging him to open up with him if he's ready—and he's not. He's not ready, he's terrified that his nightmares won't go away.

Damn it, Atlas! Where the fuck are you?!

Race buried his face on his palm as he inhale deeply.

His parents also told him that Atlas was the one who saved him from that psycho, and Atlas brought him in the hospital, but other than that his parent didn't told him where Atlas is, or did Atlas visited him even once?

Race thought that Atlas was just guilty that's why he can't face him; or Atlas was terrified to face him yet.

Whatever the reason it is, Race hoped that Atlas didn't chose to leave him.

Race didn't slept that night since his nightmares comes back whenever he closed his eyes.

In the morning, Race slept when his father sat in his bed. That way, he slept without nightmares or perhaps he was just tired so he fell asleep.

When Race opened his eyes, his Daddy Isaiah was preparing for a food. His Papa Hades was there too, yet there's one person that was missing. Race haven't saw him since the day he opened his eyes.

Is he coming or not? Did he left or he finally forgot about me?

The last time Race saw Atlas when Atlas saved him from Timothy. Yes, he remembered that. He remembered everything. Atlas cried in front of him as Atlas hugged him tight. Race was sure that Atlas still love him even though he's already dirty and being marked by a psycho.

“You're not going to ask about him?” Hades asked and Isaiah elbowed him.

“Dad, it is okay,” he smiled and he looked at his Papa Hades. “He'll come, Papa. I know that.” He answered.

Isaiah sighed and walked towards him. “The doctor said that you can go out anytime by now,”

“Oh,”

“Eat so you can regain your energy. Don't think about what happened, son. We can overcome this.” Isaiah hugged him tightly, Hades joined too.

“Did he visited while I'm asleep?” Asked Race.

Isaiah hesitated, but Hades shook his head. “We never heard from him after he brought you here.”

His shoulder fell at what he heard. He doesn't know what to think anymore. All his hopes died because of what he heard just now.

Atlas didn't come to see him. He never appeared.

“But that boy was worried sick, son,” Isaiah added. “Maybe, he's not yet ready to see you in this kind of situation because he can't take it. A man can be weak sometimes, son.”

“If he really cares, he'll come.” Race ended the conversation by changing the topic. He can't talked about Atlas without hurting himself.

Race's parents packed his things while he walked to the bathroom to take bath. Race opened the shower as he let the water streamed down his body, his tears also streamed down on his face.

His punched his fist to the wall as the incident replayed to his mind again and again. The tortured and the helplessness he felt that time. He never felt helpless in his entire life, yet when that incident happened, he felt the sun would never shine again for him.

His life was dark as the night—no light from the moon, no twinkling star above the sky.

Race rest his forehead on the wall as he broke into sobs—his shoulder quivered.

Fuck him. Fuck his life. Why does it need to happen to him?

Scrubbed. Scrubbed. Scrubbed.

He scrubbed so hard his body turned red as he dug the scrub to his body. He felt so dirty. More dirty than a mud. He scrubbed his body he bruised his body without noticing it—he doesn't felt any pain at all.

Scrubbed. Scrubbed.

Timothy's tongue on his neck. Race flinched at the thought and he scrubbed harder this time—skin so red it might bleed if he'll continued.

Timothy's moving up and down on his manhood, licking and sucking him.

Race sobbed as he scrubbed his thigh, his tears doesn't stopped streaming down. They are like water falling from the shower—it fells freely.

He'd done scrubbing, yet he felt dirty it's like he never showered. All of him he thought was dirty.

He fell on his knees and Race cried silently.

                        * * *


Atlas looked up from the door of the bathroom as it cracked opened and Race stepped out in the bathroom.

Atlas's gazed down Race's body and there he saw the fresh bruises and red on Race's body.

Atlas felt the pang of his heart, it shattered into pieces as he watched his beloved man walked slowly—not seeing anything. Exist but not alive. Breathing but dead.

He stood slowly and he waited Race to reached him. Race didn't noticed Atlas was there, he was not on his mind. Atlas slowly grabbed Race and he hugged his man tightly. Atlas buried his face between Race's neck and shoulder blade. And he cried so hard.

When he felt Race slowly wrapped his arms around him, Atlas's hugged tightening like he didn't want to let go. Like any hour someone will take Race away from him.

“I-I'm so sorry. Forgive me...” Was the first sentence he'd said. Race didn't talked he continued. “I-I'm sorry, I never there on your side when you are fighting with your own demons. I am so sorry for leaving you. I am so sorry for being weak.” His voice broke as he talked.

Race hugged tightening around him. “But you are here with me. You never leave me, Atlas.”

Atlas shook his head like a kid. “I left—”

“Yet you come back.” Race cut him off.

Atlas shut his eyes tightly. “I-I'm so sorry. I-I didn't save you from that psycho bastard. I'm so sorry if I was too late. I'm so sorry for not protecting you,” his voice cracked, hurting as Atlas remembered what happened to his man.

“You saved me—”

“I failed to protect you!” Exclaimed Atlas and he looked directly at Race's eyes. “I promised to protect you. I promised to myself to protect you all my life, yet I failed...I broke my promised. I am terrible, I am worst. I am not better—”

“Hush, Atlas,” Race grabbed him to hugged. “Quit saying you failed ‘cause you never failed. We cannot control or manipulate everything.”

Atlas shook his head repeatedly and he didn't talked for a moment. He cried and cried like a baby.

Moment passed he said, “how can I replace that memory? How can I replace everything? I don't know what to do anymore, Race. I am so fucking worthless.” He sobbed. “I'm fucking worthless! How can I help you to fucking forget what happened? I don't know what to do because every time that incident will come into my mind I am lost! I think I am not a fucking human anymore. I am worthless, I am fucking worse and fucking helpless. I'm so sorry...” Atlas fell onto his knees and he let his tears streamed down his face.

Race fell on his knees too, hugged Atlas, yet he didn't said anything. He just hugged Atlas and they both cried.

How can he acted like a helpless man in front of his man? He should be tough! He should tell himself to be tough for Race. He shouldn't cried. He shouldn't felt weak and helpless. He should stand and to be brave because Race need him. Race need him to be his side. Race need him the most in this moment. Race need him.

Race need me. My man need me. I should be tough for my man. I should be brave for my man. I should stay by his side. He need me the most.

Atlas looked onto Race's eyes as he whispered. “I wouldn't leave you again. I'll stay by your side and I'll be with you when you fight your own demons. I love you, Race.”