Stuck At The 9th Step

CHAPTER 42 : MAN OF MY OWN

#SAT9S

DEDICATED TO : DmplJk Grgnt Linconl

CHAPTER 42 : MAN OF MY OWN

Sometimes, I wanna laugh at my own expense. Sarcasm might be a good help. It might shake my system, knock down my dull brain, wake me up from being broken or fix my damaged heart. Who knows. At certain times, I feel so useless. I've mentioned twice how much I hate comparison but irony has it's ways to slap the word on my face.

I've always thought I was a man of my own but my pride got some damage after what happened that pushes me to do what I don't usually do. Comparing myself to Ren is something I couldn't resist. I couldn't help it. I can enumerate our similarities and differences one by one but what does he has that I don't have? What are the things he can give to Rhea that I couldn't? What can he offer? Is he better than me? Can he give what I'm willing to give for the girl I love? Those are just some of a hundred questions stuck on my head and remained unanswered. At the end of day, I was the most pathetic one who can't move on as I kept on throwing needless question. Yet, every time I think of them, I can't help but ask myself if I'm happy.

I'm happy for them simply because they are my friends and I think that's enough reason for me to be glad in spite of considerations and my failed expectations to the contrary . Nothing much has changed to what I feel for Rhea and I still consider Ren as my friend ,though I could feel his coldness towards me which has equivalence on my part 'coz I also feel a pang of bitterness whenever he's around. I think he has forgotten that I was his childhood bestfriend once and the reason why I keep him on the list is because Rhea loves him too much. I have no other choice but to trust Rhea to him.

Yet, being happy for the both of them isn't the bottom line. The biggest question is am I happy for myself? Of course. I am a good pretender so I would answer 'yes.' But even so, I have to find myself, my own happiness. I have to move on, too.

Nakakatawang isipin na hindi naman naging kami ni Rhea pero hirap akong lumayo sa kanya. She wanted to talk to me. For closure and further explanation, I think. Is it necessary? I understand all the reason. Nakakainis man isipin na dehado ako sa lahat ng rason na 'yon. Pag nag-usap ba kami ay may magbabago at ako ang pipiliin niya? I don't think so.

Kaya pagtapos niyang umamin ay sobra pa sa pag-iwas ang ginawa ko ngunit sadyang malupit sa akin ang pagkakataon at nakatrabaho ko pa siya nung panahon na hinahanap ko na ang sarili ko. She worked as a temporary assistant of her brother's studio team which I also handle as one of the production editors.

Habang nakikipag-usap ako sa mga kasamahan ko sa production team ay naramdaman kong may nakatingin sa akin. Instinctively, I turn my head on different direction. Then, I saw Rhea na nakikipag-usap sa assistant ng kabilang team. Nang mapatingin din siya sa akin ay agad siyang tumingin sa taas. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong matawa sa ginawa niya.

Habang nakatingin ako sa mga pageant candidates na nasa harap ko, iniisip ko kung paano ako makakapag-concentrate sa trabaho. If she's here and she'll be working with us, will I be able to finish a load of work? Mukhang hindi. Kinausap ko pa ang make-up artist ng kabilang team. Tsinempuhan ko pa itong lumabas mag-isa ng studio para makapagtanong.

"Hey." Tawag ko sa babae nang akma itong liliko. Gladly, she looked at my direction. Nakakunot ang kanyang noo na tila nagtataka kung bakit ko siya tinawag.

"Sir? Bakit po? May iuutos po kayo?"

"I'm just going to ask you something." Inilagay ko ang dalawa kong kang kamay sa magkabilang bulsa ng aking pantalon.

"Ano po 'yon, Sir?"

"May nakita akong bago sa loob. Bagong member ng team ninyo?"

"Bago?" Kumunot lalo ang noo niya na tila ina-analyze pa ang tanong ko. I waited for her answer. Then, she snapped her fingers. "Ahh! Si Rhea po ba? Kapatid po siya ni Roy."