The Epitome of Algedonic Love

21: RELAPSE

"Relapse occurs when a person returns to old, negative patterns or behaviors within the relationship, after making progress towards positive changes. This typically happens after a period of improvement where the relationship seemed on the mend, and previous issues had been resolved. However, something triggers a return to old habits and behaviors, leading to a setback in the relationship. Relapse can lead to a breakdown in the trust and progress"

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❆ CLÍODHNA EISDRACHEN POINT OF VIEW ❆

The day feels endless.

Freyja and I have been home for a while now, but my mind remains restless.

It's not really a problem, but I am overwhelmed by pressure. Exhausted, fearful, and tangled in confusion. There's a part of me that trembles at the thought of facing the world, yet I can't voice it out because, whether I like it or not, it's my responsibility.

Being alone was never something I despised, but it wasn't something that brought me joy either. 

However, it feels like I'm trapped in a cycle, constantly battling myself not to retreat and revert to my old self.

This day is a complete mess, as I now truly experience the danger of life, fully aware that I am not safe. What sucks even more is that I need to protect not only myself but also the people around me. Hindi ko nga maprotektahan ang sarili ko paano pa sila.

I find myself in my own house, as usual, standing before my grand circle window. I can't go outside due to the heavy rain, and it seems like my emotions harmonize with the tears of the heavens.

The atmosphere is gloomy, a heavy mist veil that suffocates everything in its path. The air is thick, oppressive, and seems to be holding me down, its eerie silence only amplifying the emptiness around me.

I stand, reaching for the coffee on my side table. The hot liquid seeps from the mug as I gaze at my property. I can't help but feel that something is missing.

It wasn't always like this. I never yearned for a change, yet now I crave something new, while still longing to return to who I used to be. It's frustrating, really. I no longer know anything for certain.

I feel alone and unsure, uncertain of what to do, where to go, or whom to turn to. My mind is numb, and I am devoid of any emotion, trapped in the abyss of my thoughts. Yet, I am worried - anxious about the future, afraid of what might become of me and those around me.

The world is so big, and I am just a small piece, struggling to find my place in it.

Tangina.

Ano bang nakakalungkot?

Why am I feeling so shit?

I put down my coffee on the side table and walked over to my bookshelves, hinanap ang isang librong kahit hindi ko gustong basahin ay hindi ko magawang iwasan at itapon.

The bible.

As I placed my hand on the book, I ran my fingers over the textured cover. I closed my eyes, flipped the pages, and chose one to read. I let my emotions guide me until I felt like I had found the right page, then I opened my eyes to read the words.

Sitting on the floor, my back against the wall, I read the first verse that caught my attention- Matthew 7:13-14 - "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."