Healing (KTH, featuring KNJ)

Chapter 6

Namjoon seemed to be getting busier and busy with his work. Writing music, leading the group, performing, and memorizing the increasingly complicated dance routines was beginning to weigh on him. While he always looked forward to his times with Clara, they were becoming increasingly important to his sanity.  She had become almost a crutch in his ongoing grief from losing his twin. She was his connection to Namsoo.  And in some ways spending time with her helped him process his own grief. Caring for her and watching over her became a way to manage the incredible guilt he felt from being so far away from his brother for so long. He really had missed too much time he could have spent with his brother.

But as he got busier, finding time to spend with Clara became more and more difficult. With the blessing of his members he had given her the code to the apartment so she could meet him back there periodically. Logistically it was just easier that way.  He needed time away from the Big Hit building, but often he was so exhausted that the idea of stopping somewhere to see her was more than he could manage. So she began arriving at the apartment a bit before him, bringing carryout, or sometimes just herself so they could spend time together.

He also knew that Clara had another reason she secretly liked coming to the apartment. He could see from the security camera footage that she would often play their piano at the dorm when nobody else was around. He found her coming earlier and earlier to give herself more time alone to play music.

Nansoo had mentioned that she was trained in classical piano but that she never envisioned making a career of it. Mostly she just enjoyed playing for herself. And when she was particularly stressed she'd head to the keyboard to work off a little steam. Namsoo never minded, he loved the way she played the piano and it was one more amazing thing about his fiance that he felt lucky to enjoy. Namsoo had told Namjoon that sometimes when he was studying she would quietly play the piano in the background. Their schedules were so busy between work and studying that it felt like a way they could connect and spend time together, even if they weren't really talking or interacting. It was just another example of how they made their relationship work.

After multiple weeks of what felt like non-stop work, Namjoon finally had a full Saturday off. He was looking forward to staying at the dorm for the full day, immersing himself in some books he'd been wanting to read. Clara was stopping by for dinner together and he hoped to finally ask her about her piano playing. It was one more thing that he knew his brother loved, so Namjoon hoped to experience it directly as another way to feel closer to the one he had lost.

As they settled into dinner Namjoon paused, "Hey Clara, some of the guys have mentioned that they think you might be playing the piano while you are here. A few times they've seen music moved, or they left the lid up but when they came home the lid was down. Have you been enjoying playing the piano at the dorms?"

Her face immediately flushed in embarrassment. She had intruded on their space and used their things without permission. While Namjoon might be ok with it, she had neglected to consider how the others would feel. Mortified, she immediately mumbled out an apology , "I'm so sorry, I promise I won't touch it again, it was thoughtless of me to do so without asking first".

"No!" Namjoon quickly cut her off. "It's totally ok. The guys are happy to see the piano used. I asked because I wonder if perhaps you might play for me?" he sheepishly asked while scratching the back of his head.

"Oh, um, well, of course. But I'm really not that good, and you spend your days with professional musicians. I'm afraid you will be terribly disappointed".

"I'd love to hear you anyway, my brother always talked about how much he loved listening to you play and I'd like to have that opportunity if you don't mind."

They fell quiet for the rest of dinner. Clara had become very comfortable with Namjoon. But she often had to remind herself that even though he and Namsoo were so much alike, not just in appearance but also in personality, at the end of the day they weren't the same person. And while she loved being with Namjoon, she knew it was at least in part a crutch for dealing with her own grief. Sometimes she even allowed herself to pretend he was Namsoo, only to feel horrible later when faced with the reality that her fiance was not interchangeable and didn't deserve to be forgotten.

Namjoon invited Clara to go sit at the piano and start playing while he washed up the dishes. She was feeling quite anxious knowing that a few of Namjoon's roommates were home and might hear her playing too. She had seen Jimin pass through to the kitchen, and Namjoon told her that Yoongi was in his room. These men were professionals! And she just liked to play for herself and those closest to her. Clara was convinced that as soon as she started playing one of them would likely take the effort to leave their room to ask for the torture to stop.

But she started quietly playing anyway. After a few minutes Namjoon came into the room with a big smile and watched her fingers floating across the keyboard. When the song finished Namjoon lightly clapped, "It was beautiful Clara, you have a real talent". Feeling shy, she thanked him and then offered that if he'd like, he could read a book while she played.  She remembered how Namsoo liked to do the same. But even more, she was hoping that she wouldn't have to play while he was watching. Clara had always felt terribly self-conscious about playing in front of almost anyone, and even more so playing in the dorm of a band with worldwide recognition.

With a smile and a brief nod Namjoon quickly left to grab his book and was back by the time she was only a few measures into the next song. He curled up in the nearest chair and flipped open his book to read with a smile tugging at his lips. And they stayed that way for the next half an hour or so. Namjoon reading, while Clara gently pressed the key on the piano, creating the melodies she loved most.

As she played she found herself increasingly watching Namjoon. He really was so much like Namsoo. From the way he raised his eyebrows as he read, to how he half turned the page far before he was done with reading his current page. Being with him was so comfortable and she started once again imagining she had Namsoo back. That he was the one in the room next to her, diving into one of his medical textbooks.

After a while Namjoon also seemed too distracted to read further and had begun watching her play. He eventually noticing her simply looking at him while deep in a daydream about things that could no longer be. During a pause in the music, Namjoon slowly moved closer, eventually sitting on the piano bench next to her. She stared into his beautiful eyes, watching him lean closer and closer until he was gently brushing his lips to her, so soft she almost wondered if it was happening. Sliding her fingers off the key and up his arm, she snaked them around the back of his neck and into his hair, welcoming the warmth of his lips. After a few more moments of gentle kissing, he rested his forehead against her, and with a laugh that sounded more like a huff he whispered, "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't have done that".

She kept their foreheads pressed together as she thought. Did she even like Namjoon? If she was honest, she knew what she really liked was that he reminded me of Namsoo. She did love Namjoon but like a brother. And while she appreciated everything he had done, the kiss had only served as a reminder that he wasn't, and never would be Namsoo. It was time for her to be real with herself and start to move on.

"I know" she whispered in return. "Namjoon, I love you like a brother, and I never ever want to lose you. Please tell me that is ok."

"Yes, yes it is. I love you the same way. I think I just got carried away, but I'm so glad you feel that way because I feel the same. I know why Namsoo loved you, but..." at this he pulled away and looked Clara straight in the eyes with a growing grin, "kissing you was just weird".

Clara burst out laughing, "Yes, I felt the same! Although your lips are very soft. I'm sure your future girlfriend will be very happy". Both broke down in additional laughter, hugging each other tight and knowing that their relationship was now stronger than ever, but would never replace what she had with her fiance.

What they didn't know was that two other members had also been secretly listening in on the small musical concert and had seen the affection between the two. And while one was excited to see his leader finally find someone to like, the other knew that while Taehyung wouldn't admit it, that kiss was going to break his heart.