The First Steps (A Hunter Hayes Fanfiction, Book 1 of the Hardships Saga)

Chapter Forty

❝calm (pronounced kɑːm or kahm)
the few seconds of peace before a storm❞

Lilly came out of the bathroom, and Hunter sat up straight. "What does it say?"

She showed him the negative pregnancy test with a sigh, and Hunter smiled sadly. "It's okay. We'll try again soon."

"I dunno, Hunt," she said softly. "This is the third time. The third time that we've tried and failed. What if when the first one died, something happened and I can't have kids anymore?"

"Don't say that," he said firmly.

She just looked down, and Hunter felt bad that she was feeling so useless. "Hey, you know what today is?"

She frowned. "No."

He lifted her up suddenly and spun her around, much to her laughter. "It's a day before your birthday!"

"Hunt, put me down!" she squealed, laughing, and Hunter set her down gently.

"I have to be at the studio tomorrow, so if you're willing to come along to that, that's fine. But we should celebrate today! What do you want to do?"

"Nothing, really. I'm not in the-"

"Nonsense. Come on, I have something planned."

"But you just said-"

"What kind of a husband do you think I am? Of course I planned something for your birthday eve!"

"Birthday... eve."

"What else?" He winked at her and went to his studio, and she stopped smiling and sighed quietly. She had never felt so down in her life.

She knew it would probably only take one or two more horrible things to happen for her to lose it completely. How could Hunter be so happy while she was so sad? She knew that human brains were hardwired to remember bad memories so that it helped survival, but she just wanted to forget it all.

Her stomach hurt worse that anything she had felt before...

She wouldn't go back there. No.

She cried out in pain as she felt herself collapse, feeling blood, fresh blood, seep down her leg.

She couldn't let herself remember. She wanted it to stop.

She realised what had happened. Realised that she had lost a part of herself, a part of Hunter, the result of their love.

She cried silently, the tears rolling down her face. Her feelings were too painful to have any sort of noise, and she took a deep breath, shuddering. She couldn't let Hunter see her like this. But she couldn't escape this, couldn't hide- it was the worst monster, the thing that children hide from. But children were too innocent to see horror like this.

She wiped her eyes and went back into the bathroom, staring into the mirror. She washed her face clean with cold water, eliminating any blotchiness, and stared into her own, silvery eyes. "It's what you do with fear," she said softly. "It's what you do with fear."

She brushed out all the tangles in her hair, sighing as she stripped out of her casual t-shirt and leggings and stepped into the shower. The water helped her lessen the tension in her muscles, and she unwound slowly, letting herself go. She got dressed into an oversized sweater and skinny jeans, before going into the kitchen and cutting up a carrot for Apollo. She fed him slowly, letting him gnaw on each bit as she watched. It was sort of therapy, watching this creature without a worry in the world eating carrots.

Hunter came out of the studio and hugged Lilly from behind, kissing her temple sweetly. "Have I told you lately how much I love you?"

"A couple of times, maybe."