Joel Hokka / Blind Channel - ENEMIES WITH BENEFITS (English)

9 - one moment of weakness

Because all these thoughts about how I truly felt about Aleksi and why I experienced this intense mix of emotions when I looked at Joel fried my mind to the point where I was not responsive to anything anymore, I decided to go for a walk in the area.

Being constantly together with the two of them was an emotional torture. I was being torn apart by my thoughts and feelings minute by minute, hour by hour.

I once again removed myself from the whole group. Talking to them about what was going on inside my twisted and confused mind was not an option for me, at least not for now.

I barely knew the group for a week and didn't feel entilted to bother them with my silly problems and messy feelings that were solely created by myself.

Sometimes I wished I could just turn my emotions off. Just flip a switch and feel nothing.

I had truly no idea where I was going when I walked along the side of the road.

I didn't know the area, I only remembered a couple of prominent buildings that had been flashing by when Aleksi drove the two of us to the studio today.

I was so deepened in my thoughts that I only noticed it started to rain when I saw dark little spots appear on my clothing, that grew bigger and bigger until they melted into one big dark spot. The rain got increasingly heavier, my clothes were soaked in a matter of minutes.

But that didn't keep me from walking, the pouring rain was truly my smallest problem in this moment.

It was the fact that I didn't feel anything when Aleksi layed his lips on mine, that bothered me the most. Why couldn't I just feel the same way about him as he felt about me?

The fear of hurting the dark haired boy again struck so deep that I suddenly felt absolutely miserable about allowing myself to get this close to him. While I was still trying to figure out if he was more than a friend to me, Aleksi already fell for me. He already got his heart broken by me once and now I would put him through the same hell again if I didn't keep my distance.

Then again how was I able to get a clearer idea of my feelings if I didn't try to get them to the surface? Of course if there were no such feelings, there was nothing I could get to the surface, but that thought I completely pushed away of fear.

There was nothing more I wanted than being happily in love with the guy that I shared most of the time of my adulthood with, the guy that had always been there, the guy that truly meant the world to me.

The thought that there was even the slightest possibility that this would never happen tortured me, no rather killed me inside.

By now the rain was pouring and I percieved a loud thunder from above. A few seconds later my eyes were blinded by a bright flash.

Additionally the wind got stronger and stronger every second until I held onto my jacket because I was afraid the next gust of wind would just rip it from my body, so violently was the air that seemed to be hitting my skin out of nowhere.

I found myself in the middle of a heavy thunderstorm while I had no idea where I was or where I was even heading to, since I walked along the side of the road without any destination.

While I was fighting my way forward against the immense power of the wind and rain my thoughts slowly started to revolve around Joel.

Although all I wanted was to ban this man from my thoughts for forever, he still always fought his way back into my mind.

Suddenly I had to jump to the side, as a big brach was falling down from above, exactly in my direction. The fact that a part of the tree almost hit my head and I was totally unbothered by it just showed how much my thoughts truly kept me occupied every single second.