Lorenzo the Magnificent

Memories and feelings

,,Nothing??'' Sandro asked curiously again. Another silent minute. ,,Maybe...??'' Sandro did everything to make Lorenzo think.

,,Francesco 'de Pazzi...'' Lorenzo finally said. 

After that was said I heard nothing more. What does he mean by that?? Why does he act like this toward me because of Francesco?? Is he that mad only because I had spent some time with him before Lucrezia recognized me and took me here?? Or could it be...no, that is not even possible...Lorenzo would never be jealous of Francesco...and then, why should he, right?? I feel like I am the reason he acts the way he acts...because Lucrezia clearly wants us to get married...while he wants to be with this noble woman.

I sighed and walked to my room again. I was glad when I finally closed the door and was alone. I felt more safe. I took off the heavy dress and laid it over a chair. It was really beautiful but nothing I was used to. At my uncle's house I would always wear some old, dirty, thin dress. I had to smile when I realised I might miss something from that time. But then I realised i missed even more. I missed Signora Rossi so badly. I hope she is doing alright and I hope she is still healthy. I missed her old, caring hands combing through my hair or caressing my cheeks. I missed her loving, warm embraces. I missed her positivity she always managed to hold, even in some truly dark moments. 

Oh and Dante... I now realised how much I missed him. I realised how quickly I let him in my past life as I entered the new one here in Florence. Just because I somehow hoped and wished for a better life over here...I decided to bury my feelings toward him and made myself almost forget about him. I could feel tears filling my eyes. I shivered and I realised I was standing there in the middle of the room naked, totally immersed in my thoughts. I walked to my bed and quickly hid under the heavy sheets. 

I started crying immediately. When did I become so weak??  I thought as I realised I cried way too often lately. I felt so weak, humiliated and worthless. How could I abandon my old me this quickly. How could I erase Dante from my life like that...just like snapping fingers. I felt absurd, bizzare and ridiculous for being so foolish. I mean...Dante always cared for me. He would do for me the first and the last thing whenever and wherever. And what did I do. Forgot about him as quickly as I possibly could. I was roughly bewitched by the vision of my new life in Florence with all the luxurious belongings and places. I simply decided to switch between these two absolutely different lifes. As I was thinking about it more and more I understood the certain reason, for my behaving, to the roots. The reason why I almost gave myself to Francesco so easily. The reason I actually wanted Lorenzo to love me as I did love him as a kid. 

It was so simple and I felt so foolish for letting it affect me in such a way. Just because I had all these almost futile memories and feelings entangled in my heart from my childhood...I was so easily affected by my surrounding. I felt so cheap for acting the way I acted since they got me here. I should had tried to get back to Dante first thing when I managed to set myself free. Maybe there is still a chance to find him and be with him again. To leave with him. To dissapear from here and from everyone's lifes. I even belive I might do everything better for everyone by leaving. Dante would surely forgive me...it wasn't my idea to leave, in the end. And we could go to Milan or to Venice together. Or perhaps to Padova. We could live our peacefull life at a countryside of some part of our beautiful Italy. We could harvest and sell our products at markets and just be happy together. I would not ask for much and Dante would still try to get us as much as possible. We would be happy. We would have a couple of children. At least two boys and two girls. I smiled at that thought. We would rise them well and then we would age together. And in the end we would die together. Old and happy when thinking about our common life. 

I wipped my tears from my face. The thought about life with Dante was too beautiful to be true. I should finally try to understand that there was not that much of a luck in my life. But a person should always try. If nothing else, at least try. What can I lose anyway?? My life?? 

I was so tired from thinking about all the things and scenarios of running away from here. And I was really feeling stupid. Like a foolish kid. 

I didn't even know when or how I fell asleep when I woke up the next morning. The sun was already fully up and I slowly stood up and stretched my back. My eyes felt swollen from crying last night. Lorenzo and Giuliano must have already left...I wanted to at least say goodbye. For the last time...

When I dressed up and combed my hair I walked to the breakfast room. Sandro was nowhere to be found. The servants immediately started running around me making sure I had everything I needed. I hated it. I could do it myself. I wanted to do it myself. ,,Thank you,'' I whispered every now and then. I felt humiliated. Although there was no reason for it. It just didn't feel healthy and normal. 

I was almost done eating when Sandro finally came. He had already freshly dried paint on his face. ,,Good morning Signorina Sorella,'' he said as he aproached me. I almost choked on the food I was just about to swallow. It made me start coughing. ,,Are you all right??'' he asked immediately quite concerned. ,,Yes,'' I managed to say after a moment. ,,Why are you being so formal Sandro??'' I asked seriously. ,,Well it felt appropriate to adress-'' ,,Please don't. Don't start with it. I really don't like it. Just call me Sorella,'' I said and looked deep into his eyes to tell him I meant him. ,,As you wish, Sorella,'' he smiled at me and sat right next to me. ,,Thank you,'' I smiled back and grabbed his face. ,,Wait,'' I said gently, ,,there's something on your face,''I informed him and tried to wipe it away. It didn't really go away. I quickly licked my finger and tried it again. ,,There you go,'' I laughed as I was satisfied with the result. Sandro looked quite disconcered at firts. His cheeks wererr burrning. But then smiled at me again. 

,,Let me know after you are done eating. I will take you to the city and show you around as Lorenzo suggested.'' ,,You don't have to do it if you don't want to, Sandro,'' I said because I suddenly felt like a burden. ,,And who said I didn't want to do it??'' he asked like he really believed someone said so. ,,Well no one of course, but all I am saying is, that I understand if you would rather spend the time in your workshop working on your pantings,'' I explained simply. 

Sandro looked around like he wanted to see who was close to hear what he was just about to say, then turned to face me and grabbed my hands. He made me turn to him as well and looked at me a bit sadly. ,,It is really painful to see you are being hurt Sorella. I can see your soul is fairly damaged. And it sort of destroys me. Because all I can see when I look at you is pure beauty. On the outside and on the inside. I can tell you have been through a lot of damaging situations in your life without even needing to hear it from you. It left scars on you soul. It is hard to see such a pure and strong soul being crushed. You deserved so much more from your life. But as many says everything bad brings something good. And I utterly believe that the bad things that were supposed to meet you in your life had already happened. So only good things are coming. I want you to try to believe to it as well and not always think only about the past,'' Sandro stopped for a moment. I was speechless. Only tears started forming in my eyes. ,,Look I feel like I need to tell you. The first moment I saw you, I knew, you were made to be a muse. And I needed a muse...badly. But ever since you came I sense something is not fully all right. You don't shine as you should. You can't. You don't let yourself...and I couldn't understand why. Until I finally did,'' he stopped again and wipped away the tears slowly streaming down by my face. I was unable to say a word. 

I would never imagine Sandro would be the one to tell me something like this. It was mostly because he, being an artist, always seemed a bit different...just like all artist do. I would hardly imagine him talking about his feelings...but he was a human of course, so why shouldn't he. I was unconditionally touched by everything Sandro had just said to me. 

He looked at me honestly and smiled warmly. I embraced him. He seemed astonished at first but then he he put his arms around me and squeezed me tigh. 

,,Everything is going to get better, Sorella.''