Both Sides | ✓

Chapter 45

Olivia's POV:

Mom looked so proud when I told her.

Cleo wanted me to quit. She never said it explicitly, but I could tell in the way she looked at me, the way she held me. She knew me, and she knew that if I took on leading the student council next year, things would get worse. But, mom looked so proud. I couldn't just give that up.

I accepted the position that night, when Cleo refused to leave my side until the morning. My bedroom was becoming her second home.

"Are you positive, Via?" She asked me. She was searching my face for something broken, but I'd learned how to hide that part of me- even from her.

"I know what I'm doing," I said. "I've worked too hard to give it up."

She nodded and pulled me into her lap, but I could tell she wasn't on board with it. If I were being honest, I wasn't really either, but I kept imagining my mom's face when I told her.

"I knew it," mom beamed at me. "You're doing it, Olivia. You're becoming something."

I was becoming something alright.

I was feeling jumpy around Cleo these days, like she had a bomb strapped to her chest just on the verge of going off. Or, like I was the bomb.

Things were worse. Since I fainted, I mean. The weight that lived in my chest had been there my whole life, but it was getting heavier. I followed more routines and rituals, and they started to interrupt my day. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't wake up. Being a human being was getting increasingly harder.

Cleo had been arriving at my house early before school to make sure I got up and to drive me there. Most days, I wouldn't let myself get behind the wheel of a car because I'd get these images in my head of car crashes, and ambulances, and funerals. When I thought of it, I had to close my eyes tight and count to five. It almost got me in trouble a few times when I was mid-drive.

Some nights, Cleo slept over. Mom didn't know about it. She's trace circles in my back, and whisper to me until I fell asleep. I always slept better next to Cleo. She knew how to calm me down. But, sometimes, I'd get this voice in the back of my head that told me she was going to get fed up and leave me. It said I'd only end up hurt. It said to leave her first.

I blocked it out with her voice.

Even after everything, my grades were still high. My school counselor told me that if I kept up studying the way I had been, I'd be on track for valedictorian the next year, so that's what I was aiming for. I studied until I couldn't see anything else. I studied until the world shut up. Sometimes, Cleo would join me, and she'd distract me by running her hand through her hair, or biting her lip in concentration. She caught me looking a lot.

"What's up, baby?" she said, smiling.

"You look good," I said. That made her smile wider.

"Do I?"

I'd been trying to be more honest lately, even in small ways. "You always do," I replied. "I like looking at you."

She leaned forward and kissed me lightly before closing the textbook on my lap.

"How have you been feeling?"

"Good," I said. "I'm happy right now."

"Right now?"

"Yeah. With you."

"Me too," she started. "But, I mean like... in general."

I tilted my head. "I don't understand."

"Like... sorry. It's just been a week since you fainted and it feels like you... snapped back to normal really quickly. I just want to make sure you're doing okay."

I hesitated for a moment, my smile dropping. "I don't really... God, I'm sorry, Cleo."

"Sorry? Why?"

"You shouldn't have to check up on me all the time. Or like, make sure I don't break. I really don't want you to feel like I'm a chore-"

"What? You're not a chore, Via. It's kinda my job to make sure my girlfriend's okay."

"I know. I know you don't mind it now, but what about in a month?" I asked.

"Via-"

"Two months? I've been like this my whole life, Cleo. You shouldn't feel trapped with me just because you're afraid I'll snap if you leave. I'm... I'm okay. I'd be okay."

Cleo didn't say anything for a long time. Then, she pulled me in and hugged me. I forgot where to put my hands for a moment.

"I'm not going anywhere. Okay? I don't care about any of that. I'm staying right here. Nothing you could possibly do would ever make me want to leave you."

I felt a little like crying, because I realized then that nothing she could say would make me believe her. I knew that I wasn't lovable. I knew she deserved better.

"Come on. We're going somewhere," she said.

I didn't want to ask questions. I just let her pull me downstairs and into her car.

* * *

"You really do only know one spot, huh?"

The hilltop looked like it was on fire at this time of day, when the sun hung low in the sky and beat against the leaves. We were sitting in her car and watching the world burn around us.

"Well, it is our place, isn't it?"

I looked over at her and she pressed a kiss to my cheek. She looked so different to me then than she had just six months ago, when we started looking at one another every day. I saw the pieces of Cleo that she hid from the world. I saw the pieces she wanted gone. This feeling was unraveling in my chest right there, and I knew that what I felt for her wasn't a crush. It went deeper than that.

I turned to watch the orange fade into purple. Sometimes, it took seeing the whole sky to realize how small you were, and how little of the world you've touched in your life.

Cleo was watching me, smiling a little, and I turned to face her.

"What?" I smiled.

She paused, taking in a breath like she'd been holding her's for a long time.

"I love you," she said.

I felt the same rush come over me as it did when we first touched, first kissed. Cleo Roberts never stopped surprising me. She didn't look at me like she expected an answer. She just said the words like just me knowing was good enough for her. But, it wasn't good enough for me.

"I love you too."

A/N

Holy shit, I'm so sorry for never updating! Goodness, it has been one hell of a month and I have been dealing with a horrible case of writers block. Still, I couldn't leave my readers empty handed so; here! Lots of stupid gay shit! Hope you enjoyed this chapter and I promise to update soon.