Both Sides | ✓

Chapter 44

Cleo's POV:

I rushed down the hall to the nurse's office and barged right in, locking eyes with Ms. Perry.

"You're Cleo?" the nurse said.

"Yeah," I rushed out.

Olivia was seated to the left, a cup of water in one hand and an untouched packet of saltine's in her lap. She was looking down and bouncing her leg fast. I sat in the chair beside her and tried hard to meet her eyes.

"She isn't talking much," the nurse. "She said she wanted to see you. I would call her parents, but she was very adamant that I didn't."

I wanted her to look at me. Why wasn't she looking at me? She just kept staring at the floor and bobbing her knee up and down. I watched her hands. They were shaking,

"She didn't hit her head after fainting. She's probably just a little scared."

"Okay."

"Have you been eating right?" Ms. Perry asked her. Via didn't answer, and the nurse looked at me expectantly.

"I... I'm not sure. We haven't seen very much of eachother this week but... I don't know. There isn't anything to make me think she hadn't been eating," I stammered out.

I squinted at Via. She had deep bags under her eyes, like she hadn't slept in days. She was pale, and hunched over, and looked thinner than before. Her fingers had scabs all over them from picking at her skin. I felt like an idiot, like I'd been watching this build up for weeks without noticing. I pulled her shaking hand into mine and finally, as if just realizing I was there, she looked at me.

She seemed more tired than anything. There was something in her eyes that I couldn't quite make out. I felt sick.

"Olivia," the nurse spoke. "I'm going to send you back to class with a pass if you're feeling better. Or do you want me to call mom?"

She took a moment to respond. "No. I'm okay."

"Okey-dokey. Cleo here will escort you to class, alright?"

We both stood up, thanking the nurse before leaving the office. Once in the hall, I turned to Via again.

"What happened?" I said. She shrugged in response, avoiding my eyes again.

"I didn't sleep too well last night so... I don't know. Maybe that's why I fainted.

"Okay," I said. "And when was the last time you ate?"

"This morning," she said, but her voice rose and I could tell she was lying to me. I met her eyes and she gave in. "I haven't had an appetite lately. It's not a big deal."

"It is a big deal, Olivia. I'm really worried about you."

She exhaled and continued down the hall ahead of me.

"Hey," I called. "We need to talk about this."

"No, we don't."

"Yes, we do. What's going on with you?"

"I've been a little stressed. It isn't something to worry about."

She wouldn't talk to me, and I figured a change of environment might cure that. I grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the west exit.

"Where are we going? I have pre-cal right now."

"I'm taking you home. You get a rest day," I said.

"What?" she replied. "We can't just leave!"

"Just do what I say. I need to talk to you and I'd rather be in your room than in a school hallway." Olivia stayed quiet after that.

*  *  *

Her bedroom looked like it was under a microscope. The air smelt like cleaning spray. Every speck of dust was wiped, every wrinkle straightened, every book filed and organized. It was a lot, even for Via. I knew she liked neat, but this felt chaotic in it's cleanliness. I turned to her and let out a breath.

"What?"

"This worries me."

"Oh please," she said, almost laughing. "Your room's so messy. Of course a clean room scares you."

"Olivia please stop joking around. You're not okay right now and I think you need to get help."

She chuckled. "Why? Because I got a little too stressed out about a student council race?"

"You fainted. You haven't eaten in days. This is more than stress."

"I'm fine," she said, suddenly gaining seriousness.

"For God's sake, Via," I said, gesturing to the room we were standing in. "Do you think this is normal?"

"What?" she retorted.

"Don't play dumb. I know how you operate. Why can't you just admit that you're not alright right now?"

"Because I am alright, Cleo," Olivia said. "You're the one who won't even talk about that fact that your mom just died!"

"Because there's nothing to talk about! She wasn't- hey, stop making this about me."

Olivia rolled her eyes as she took a step closer to me. "Can we please just not talk about the whole fainting thing? I was tired and hungry and stressed. That's it."

"No," I said, shaking my head. "No, I know you. This... this isn't you."

Via's mouth twitched for a moment before she scoffed.

"My mistake, Cleo," she said, walking to her mattress and reorganizing the already straightened pillows."You must know me better than I know myself, right? Well, I'm sorry that I can't always live up to whatever perception of me you've created in your mind but-"

"Via, please," I said, stepping towards her again. "You know that's not what I was saying. I just want you to let me know what's going on."

"I was stressed out," she said. "There's nothing more happening."

"Nobody was making you do this. Have your ever thought about why you're always so stressed? Why do you always put so much pressure on yourself?"

"Are you kidding? This isn't all me! My mom has been enforcing this my whole life. I'm sorry if my minds a little cloudy lately but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make if it means I reach the top."

"Okay," I said. "You did it. You're at the top. You've worked your whole life for this. What now?"

"I... I don't know," she said.

"Okay," I replied and, after a beat, "Do you even want this?"

"I don't know," she repeated, a numbness washing over her face. "Of course I want this." She paused and met my eyes. "Do you?"

"What?"

"Do you want this? This isn't what you planned for. You shouldn't have to stay with someone who... who gets like this. I get like this all the time, and there's nothing to fix it. Do you want me when I'm like this?"

She let out this shaky breath, and I figured that in another world, she'd be crying right now.

"Listen to me," I said. "You are everything to me. You make me so happy. I didn't want just one version of you, Via. I want all of you." I cupped her face with one hand, slowly running my thumb across her cheek. "I need you. You're the only thing I need."

"But, are you sure?" she said, looking around at her room. "I'm not a simple person to care about."

"I don't want simple," I said, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear. "I want you."

I held her like she might blow away. I wanted to take her away from this room, this house, this town. I wanted to search the world for a place she could be happy in. Via pressed against me, and I could feel everything she was feeling right in that moment. Her guilt, and anxiety, and deep sadness. I wished I could bottle it up and throw it far away from her. I wanted to absorb it into myself.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, and I shook my head in reply.

There was nothing in the world Olivia Hansen had to be sorry for.