I didn't skip school today because I didn't want to get grounded again, and that would mean no coke.
I'm at my locker, as I grab the math textbook, I look to my side and I see the blonde girl from last time. The one that asked me why I left that job.
Maybe I should talk to her?
I try to get her attention by saying hey but she doesn't respond so I slightly touch her shoulder, I have no idea what's her name.
She immediately winces and turns to me.
"Oh, sorry," I murmur.
"It's okay." She shrugs.
"I just wanted to talk to you for a bit, about that job," I say and her eyes widen in surprise.
"Okay... what do you want to know?" she asks. Wasn't she the one who came up to me?!
"Why did you ask me why I left?"
"I- I had problems at work. I just wanted to know if it was a recurring thing because I heard it wasn't the first time it happened," she explains and now I'm the one surprised. What kind of problems?
"Can you be more precise?"
"There was this man... who kept coming in and 'unintentionally' harassing girls there, we confronted him but Kaylee never really did anything about it. He would stare at every female and he would be overall so creepy."
My eyes unfocus and my hands are sweating, I can't, I can't have another panic attack at school.
I was never the only one... this has been going on forever and that bitch never did anything? While people complained about him harassing young girls?!
"Are you okay? You look so pale," she asks me, she seems genuinely worried.
I try to snap out of it because if I think about it, I will break down right here.
"D-did he does- anything to you?" I stutter so much she struggles to understand me.
"No? I mean, he stared and asked for my number, that's all."
I was the unlucky one, an easy target.
"Ok. Thank you for t-telling me," I mutter and immediately run away.
I go to the bathroom, my usual isolation place in this fucking school.
I'm so tired of crying, I hate it. This is why I need coke.
I look at the mirror and barely recognize myself, I don't take many looks at myself but when I do, it's horrifying.
My hair is longer now but it's so brittle and thin, my bones are protruding through my clothes and I look disgusting.
I started eating more but with all the sleepless nights, crying, running around and coke, it makes it impossible to gain any weight.
My skin looks so itchy and irritated, it once used to be so smooth and glowy. My eyes are dry and my vision gets blurry sometimes. My lips are cracked from all the joints.
The door opens and I don't bother turning around.
"I've been looking to talk to you since Nicole told me what happened."
I turn my head to the person and it's Louis. Oh, God.
Ugh, she told him. She can't keep secrets from him.
"This is only girls' bathroom," I say bluntly.
He comes closer to me and I hate how horrible I look, that's why I don't even bother with mirrors because I feel so insecure.
I notice a glimmer of hope in his eyes, his lips slightly curved into a pleasant smile as he stares at my eyes.
"Don't look at me like that..." I murmur and look down.
"How?"
"Like I'm pretty."
"Veronica, you are beautiful," he says and we lock eyes but I break the contact.
"If I knew that it was all his fault... I'm so sorry," he apologizes and I can tell he is genuinely regretful.
"I immediately assumed the worst because you were ignoring us," he explains.
"It was also my fault..." I admit, I always went after James to get something from him, I made myself available to him only for a bit of coke.
"I have no idea what's happening with you, but I know I want to help you," he says and grabs my hand gently. I slightly flinch and every time he looks surprised, but he brushes it off.
"I- I lied," I admit, as I'm caught off guard by his deep brown eyes.
"About what?" He brushes my chin with his finger.
"I lied about not remembering the kiss. I remember everything," I admit and he looks at me with a spark in his eyes, something I haven't seen in a long time.
"I knew it," he says with a pleased look on his face.
"But... that doesn't change anything," I say and take my hand out of his, he seems taken back by my response.
"I don't like you, Louis. And I don't want to be with anyone," I mutter, swallowing every word. While I know I truly think what I said to him, it hurts because I used to like him and he still does.
I know I can't be with anyone, not romantically, heck, I can't even keep friends.
I care about Louis, I really do. But I don't want anything to do with him, for our own good.
I hurt everyone around me.
He seems once again disappointed, but he almost expected it. Four months running after me, while all I did was hide from him.
"If that's how you want it to be, then I'll respect your choice." He takes a step back. Our friendship is ruined, well, it was doomed since that morning.
He leaves and a tiny tear rolls down my cheek but I quickly wipe it away. I'm done with all this crying. It's what I wanted.
And it's not Louis who I wanted.
Nor anyone else, but the old Veronica, when I used to be happy. I'd give anything to go back to that day, and miss work and continue my life filled with goals.
I'd probably even be dating Louis now...
I rapidly brush away my bitter thoughts, there is no coming back. This is my life now.
Drugs would help me but I lost my only dealer cause of that idiot.
That idiot who saved me, ugh. He makes it so hard, I'd have to thank him every day to make up for it.
He used to sell drugs, though? That was shocking. I didn't expect that from him.
I look at the time and I quickly realize I'm late for my math class.
~
Friday
I've gone completely insane, I'd do anything to get some coke, that's exactly why I am at Shanice's house.
The solution is pressuring Derek into giving me coke because I have something on him.
That's quite crazy and so unlike me, but he said he will always be in my business, this is my way of showing him to stay out of it.
To my surprise, they already have a party going on. Which might make it easier for me to enter, considering Shanice's hate for me.
A lot of the people here are new, mostly college people. Before there used to be a lot of high school seniors.
I look around and I immediately see Derek with Shanice, they are talking and laughing and a hint of jealousy shows on my face.
Fuck, stop.
Luckily, Dominic walks up to me with a big smile on his face. At least someone is happy to see me.
"Here is the coke," he says straight up and laughs.
"It's an empty plastic bag," I reply annoyed.
"Ugh, Ronnie, take a joke. You know you only come here for drugs. Time for rehab." He chuckles and I almost laugh, until I think about what he said.
Is it so? Is it all I talk about?
I'm disappointed it was empty, though.
"If you are looking for Derek, he is right there." He points and Derek sees him, he says something to Shanice then walks to us. She rolls her eyes, I can see she is irritated about my presence from miles away.
Derek looks me up and down and I ignore his gaze, as it makes me quite nervous.
"If you came here for drugs, the door is there," Derek says and they both laugh while I just roll my eyes annoyed.
Dickheads.
"I'm joking, Veronica," Derek says and the light smell of alcohol breath hits me as he puts a hand on my back, caressing it. I flinch, but not because it scared me.
I can feel the goosebumps everywhere and I just want him to lift that hand already.
Wait, I came here for drugs and with one specific goal in mind. I need to go somewhere quiet with Derek so I can convince him while keeping my lady down there in check.
Yikes, Ronnie.
"Can we talk for a bit?" I say to Derek and Dominic gives us a wink.
"Oh, guys, chill. Please, get a hotel room-" He stops remembering it's what I did with a stranger weeks ago. Awkward.
Derek brushes it off and nods at me, as we walk to his room.
He could have picked another room, though.
Right as I enter I remember when he made me breakfast and was so caring and gentle. A side of Derek I saw very often back then, now he seems mad more than anything.
He closes the door behind us and I didn't expect that. I'm too sober for this conversation.
"So we can talk without any noise," he explains and I nod uncertainly.
"I just can't help but think about what could have happened to you if we weren't there. What went through your mind when you went to a drug dealer?!" he scolds me. This is not what I came here for.
"Stop treating me like I'm your daughter, it's gross," I spit and he laughs.
"No, Ronnie. I care about you, maybe your friends give up when something happens to you, but I don't," he says and looks so deeply into my eyes that I almost get lost.
"They care about me... but-" I say and he interrupts me.
"Yeah, but were they ever there for you when you needed them the most?" he asks and it reminds me of all the times they only caused more trouble for my disturbed mind. Their reactions were always judgmental and it never made it easier to talk to them, even when I considered doing it.
Nicole was so aggressive when she first saw me ignoring them. Louis assumed the worst of me.
But Derek isn't a saint in this, while he might think he helps me, he only creates more turbulence in my heart. I mean, life.
"I frankly don't think what I do is your problem," I murmur and hold his gaze, but I shouldn't have done that as my legs immediately turn to jelly. Fuck, the effect he has on me is unbelievable. It's quite pathetic.
"I can feel your heart racing, is it because of me?" he teases me as he smirks, my heart sinking even deeper than it was already.
I know he can't feel my heart racing, but the fact that he knows how weak I feel near him infuriates me.
Fuck, I didn't come here for this. Snap out of it, Veronica.
I'm not safe around him when I'm sober. Heck, not even drunk.
"You sure are so arrogant. Maybe it's time to understand that I don't need you, neither want you," I defend myself and I quickly look away knowing that my last sentence is just a bunch of lies.
"Who said anything about you wanting me? Is that what you think?" He teases me getting closer to my face, I can feel the smell of tequila.
"I- fuck you, Derek. F- fucking idiot." I snap at him and he laughs, which makes me even more embarrassed.
"As you want, Ronnie." He keeps laughing and all I want to do right now is just go home.
He lays down on the bed and I can't help but look at his grey tank top wrapped up around his fit body.
His jeans are so tight I can almost see stuff I shouldn't see. Is his thing even breathing in there?
I look away before he notices that I'm staring at him.
"You could join me rather than staring." He lays his head back and laughs louder, I want to throw a pillow on his face so he can fucking stop talking.
"I did not come here for this-" I say through gritted teeth.
"Let me guess, coke," he talks before I even finish and I roll my eyes putting my hands on my hips.
"Correct, you fucking idiot," I say and chuckle, happy that I still have some courage around him.
He doesn't even seem to get mad and just continues smiling.
His smile is the most beaut-
Shut the fuck up.
Derek sits up, holding himself up with his hands. I can tell he is quite a bit too drunk and relaxed.
He suddenly grabs my arm and I wobble, falling straight on his lap.
My heart is almost jumping out of my chest, I try to stand up but I can't, it feels as if I'm glued to his body.
He looks at me and caresses my face so gently I cannot even move away from him.
He wouldn't do this sober... and I'm not drunk at all. I should leave.
Derek cups my face with his big hands and I'm not even breathing anymore, I can feel his warm tequila breath on my lips and I want more of it.
We are one inch away and it takes everything from me to stand up, it makes it harder than he has his hands on my face.
"I want you, Veronica," he murmurs and his lips are so close to mine, I almost think about kissing him and fucking up everything.
My body is exploding from the way he makes me feel, the butterflies, goosebumps, and tingles.
I quickly try to stand up, struggling as he is reluctant to let me go, but he doesn't want to force anything.
I realize what the fuck I am doing. I know I'd be unable to even kiss him while sober without getting a panic attack, and I should not allow this. I cannot handle him in my current state of mind.
I leave the room as quickly as I can, closing the door behind me. I lean against the door and put my hands on my head.
"What the hell..." I murmur as I think about what just happened.
What's worse is that I wanted everything, and more to happen.
I didn't even get the drugs, but who am I lying to? He wouldn't give me shit other than these stupid butterflies.
My mind wanders to what he could give me and I quickly brush away my sexual thoughts, I'm insane.
It's so easy to have sex with strangers, with no attachment, but when it comes to him I can't bring myself to look at him, not even when I'm high.
Because I know there are consequences.
——
Do you like slow burns? 23 chapters in and they still haven't kissed, would you want the story to go faster?
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