Chloe stared at the journal in the wooden box on her bed. She couldn't bring herself to open it.
What was he thinking by giving this to her? Did he really think it would help her?
She didn't touch it when she first got it. Nor the next day. She attempted to open it the following day but got so far as to read the first sentence of the bookmarked section before slapping it closed again.
'I can't even look at her.'
It was dated in the summer three years ago.
He wasn't talking about Madison, she knew.
Those words shocked and terrified her. She couldn't look at the book again until the next day. She forced herself to take a big breath, open it, and try to make it through the first entry.
'I can't even look at her. It scares the hell out of me. I shouldn't feel this way. She's only 15. A pup. It's so wrong!
And then I did something even more stupid.
She reached out to me to comfort me and I couldn't stand to even be near her without wanting to touch her. To kiss her. To want her in ways that I shouldn't...
I'm so fucking disgusting...'
Her eyes widened.
That was what he was going through back then?
She flipped to the next page that held the date of the following day.
'If I avoid her, I can get through this. I won't get an erection. My scent won't change so no one will know how she affects me.
I have to stay focused. I can't think about her. I have so much training still to do, I just need to focus on that.
But it's these quiet moments alone in the dorm before bed when I think about her the most. And I can't help it.
I still miss Madison but I can't hold onto her. She's never coming back. I need to move forward with my life even though it still hurts sometimes.
I want her. Her and only her.
But she isn't mine to keep...'
She quickly read through the next few entries before sitting back and exhaling a deep breath.
The last entry she read that made her stop and think was when he questioned the Goddess' will. Why had She created Madison for him only to take her away? Why couldn't his soulmate be Chloe, whom he claimed to love before he even found Madison?
She closed the journal, her thoughts whirling.
He was attracted to her when she was a pup and it tormented him. She had no idea. All that time, she grew to resent him.
He said that he loved her before meeting Madison and this confirmed it. Any doubts that she may have had about the truth of his words was squelched.
She opened the notebook up to the first page. The date was from years ago and was only a couple of sentences of what he did that day. He must have been ten. Even his penmanship looked more juvenile. She smiled to herself, thinking about him at such a young age.
Because the entries were so brief, two or more took up the first few pages until he was fifteen and started to become lengthier and more interesting as he described his thoughts and feelings based on the events of the day. He started writing more about her, filling the pages with their activities as he expanded more on whatever thought crossed his mind.
When he was seventeen and a half, he wrote a lot about his parents and the pressures of finding his mate and taking over the pack. That was when he started writing about his feelings for Chloe. Admitting that he loved her and prayed constantly about her being his mate. He would write heatedly about arguments with his parents, how Chloe was young and there was no way to be sure that they were mates. The pressure he felt, knowing that his parents were getting older and needing him to step up and take over with his mate.
He doubled down on his feelings for Chloe. Writing about his favorite memories of her. How she treated him as an equal when that was what he craved more than anything as a pup. How he could be himself with her, never having to put on a show or pretend to be strong and fearless when he was gripped with so much anxiety about his future, becoming an alpha, and letting his parents down.
It was a love deeper than friendship and not once did he write about her in a sexual way. At most he wanted to hold her and never let go. Kiss her maybe, if he could muster up the courage, but held himself back.
'A first kiss should be with a mate. I can't take that from her. Plus, she's young. It will only confuse her. She won't feel that way about me.'
But I did, she thought, pausing at those words as she brushed her fingers over the edge of the page. Taking a moment to reflect on her childhood, she remembered having a huge crush on him. She would have loved a kiss from him and long hugs. Handholding and smiles that whispered the truth of their hearts without words.
She had spent hours daydreaming of what their future would look like with lots of pups in a warm cozy house. Campfires and roasting marshmallows under the stars, snuggling up close to each other under a blanket when the air grew chilly. Playing in the snow and building forts and having snowball fights. All the things they normally did together but there would be that look in his eyes that whispered love to her heart. The way her parents looked at each other.
When he turned eighteen, relief filled a few lines of his journal before turning to frustration and anger with his parents pressuring him. His mate wasn't among their pack. He still held onto hope that Chloe was his mate and he'd have to wait five more years for it to be so. But his parents were insistent, urging him to go to the Mating Ball.
His entry after the Ball was one of elation. Joy at the fact that his mate hadn't been there. How he enjoyed his time there, having fun with the other single young wolves, and looking forward to seeing Chloe again. How he wished she could be there with him, but at the same time, not wanting to share her with others.
'I want to hold her tight and never let go.'
More entries of fights with his parents. His annoyance but complicity at their arrangements to send him to other packs in search of his mate. He'd return each time, exhilarated to have not found his mate, and writing about how much he missed spending time with Chloe instead.
Then, there was an extended period where he didn't write anything and when he did, it was to vent about Madison. How she was giving him a hard time, but he empathized, saying how he deserved it.
'How can I expect anything less when I gave my heart to someone else before her?'
It's been one challenge after another with him, Chloe thought as she turned the page to the next entry.
There were a couple of watermarks on it, as though water-droplets had fallen on the page.
Chloe recognized the date. Her heart clenched in her chest. She closed the notebook, not sure if she could read the events that broke her heart.
She decided to take a break and spend some time with her family, do some chores, and then returned to the notebook later.
'I did it.
This sucks so much. Chloe and Madison could have been good friends, but I fucked it up. I don't know how I could have prevented this. How I could have done it differently...
But I get Madison's side. I'd be pissed if she had a male friend around that she was in love with. Jealous all the time... Wondering if she'd cheat on me with him...
FUCK.
It just sucks so much. I didn't want to hurt Chloe. It hurts...
She was my best friend. Why couldn't it have stayed like that? Why did I have to fall in love with her?
Why did I hope and pray for something so hard to fulfill?
Why didn't I save my heart for my mate like I was supposed to?
Chloe has no idea. Only that we can't be friends anymore. I couldn't even give her an explanation. What would I tell her? The truth? She'd probably think I was stupid or crazy and blame me for screwing things up.
I did screw things up... I KEEP screwing things up.
What is wrong with me?
Why am I such an asshole?'
A series of scratched out words followed that Chloe couldn't make out. The following page was torn right out. A jagged ridge of paper was all that remained close to the seam. The next page was a pep-talk of everything he had to work on and change in himself to be a better mate to Madison and a better leader for the pack. The page after that was dated the next day, him scribbling out his frustrations after an argument with Madison.
Several pages that followed over the space of a few weeks expressed frustration with both himself and with Madison. Detailing the struggles of a bond tainted from the very beginning of their relationship.
This is why he distanced himself from you, she told herself. He's been through it—a relationship founded on distrust from an unfaithful mate. This was why he pushed you away: to give your mate the chance he deserves and let you live the life you were meant to live.
And now, Animkii was taking his chance. The only one he might have. If she chose him and never found her mate, she could be happy but she might never have pups and a part of her might always sniff around for her mate, unable to stop the instinct that drove her to do it.
And yet, if she chose him and later found her mate... what would happen? What should she do? Would her mate demand her to be with him even though she'd given herself to someone else first? Or would he reject her and turn her away forever? The latter might initially sting, but then she could live happily with Animkii knowing that her mate was free to live as he chose, even though their bond would still exist and neither of them would be able to have pups with someone else.
It was the former that haunted her. Twisted the arteries tightly around her heart and constricted.
If she opened her heart to Animkii and had to leave him, how would she live and love another? What kind of a male would her mate be? How would he forgive her for her betrayal? How could she bear his pups when she longed to bear Animkii's?
She understood Animkii better, ached to be with him, but the unknown still clutched tightly and wouldn't release its hold.
---- Author's Notes ----
Next chapter will be up on the 15th or you can get the next 8 installments now on Inkitt! Link is in my profile.
Dedicated to HeartStone Packmate: kyleerae376 - Happy Birthday!
Copyright Jo Lee Hunt ( Joflower ) 2020-2021