[ 12:34 PM ]
i laugh as apple makes silly faces with a green, painted on mustache.
"the paint is supposed to go on the canvas, not you," i laugh, shifting my position on the grass from my butt to sitting on my knees.
it feels beautiful outside. it's not too hot nor too cold and there's a small breeze every once and a while.
my mind races about what that feeling was before i thought apple was in trouble, or if i should be civil with matt.
apple and i both needed the distraction.
"c'mon! let's match!" she smiles.
"okay! you want to draw it on?" i ask her. she nods, dipping her paint brush in the blue paint. she draws the mustache on, the coldness sending a chill through my body.
"done!" she grins.
"how do i look?" i ask her and start posing.
"beautiful! always beautiful!" she compliments.
"aw, thank you," i smile and dip my finger in the red paint. "you are beautiful too," i tell her, booping her on the nose, coloring it red.
her face turns to shock and before she can retaliate, a gust of wind takes her paper.
"oh!" she laughs and stands to chase it. the paper blows out of her reach a few times as if the winds playing a game with her.
now that dominic's not here, she looks more like him.
i hope he's okay.
he hasn't checked in from his "if i die" monologue and i'm trying not to think too much about it.
i can't do this without him.
he knows her more than i do.
she's already lost her mother. her brothers are now in the hands of the government, alive, i hope.
i want to do right by her but i'm afraid i'll teach her something my mom taught me.
i don't want her to be like me.
"i got it!" she shouts, holding her paper in the air triumphantly. "grass and dirt's on it but that's fine!" she runs back over to where we're sitting. "you okay raya?"
"yeah," i smile, getting rid of my burning thoughts and focus on her. "are you okay mama?"
she nods.
"this is fun!"
"painting?" i ask, watching her set paint brushes we never used on top of her paper to weigh it down.
"hanging with you," she grins and looks at me. "i miss my mom."
"yeah? you know, my mom passed away in the same house as me too," i tell her.
"really? like me?"
"just like you."
"did you get to say goodbye?"
"i did," i nod, "i got to tell her everything i ever wanted to tell her. some mommies aren't too nice though. she didn't treat me well."
"my mom was the nicest," she smiles, pausing and staring at the grass, "she would give me lots of kisses and made sure i was happy and safe. i'm sorry your mom was mean to you."
a single tear slides down her cheek and she quickly wipes it away, not meeting my eyes. tears brim my eyes, threatening to spill over.
"i'm so sorry," i whisper out, her entire situation dawning on me in an emotional awakening. she had to survive on her own for days while her mother was gone, in the room next to her. how could she be okay? "i'm so sorry you had to be alone in that apartment. you must've been so scared," i cry out, gently caressing her cheek as more tears fall from her eyes.
"but i wasn't alone," she rushes out, wiping at her face yet again. she moves closer to me, laying a hand on my knee. "i knew mama was there, even if she didn't respond. i even got to kiss her goodbye. you gave me that gift! thank you!" apple stands on her knees and wipes away my tears for me. "you don't need to cry raya!"
"guess what apollonia. i'm going to make sure you get your kisses and that you're always happy and safe," i cry, promising my motherhood to this innocent seven year old. "no one is going to hurt you or ever lay a hand on you; ever!"
i pull her in for a hug and squeeze her against me. if dominic's gone, this is my lifeline.
she hugs me back tightly, slightly choking me.
"you remind me of mama," she whispers to me.
"how?" i whisper back, still hugging her.
"you both are strong."
there goes that word again.
"i'm not strong apple. i'm an actor," i tell her, releasing my hold on her.
"you didn't even know me but you came to save me. you make sure i eat or have books to read."
"that doesn't mean i'm strong apple."
"i don't know, but you're helping me try not to think of dom, even though you can't stop."
"you read through the lines don't you?"
"i what?" she asks sitting on her bottom.
"you're intelligent. i'm just worried. everyone's trying to make that a back burner issue but i have a lot on my plate. without him, i wouldn't be able to hold that plate up."
"you said everyone has something to deal with in the van and that means you and me. i'm not saying to forget dommy, but maybe focus on what's going on here and us."
"you're seven."
"why does everyone keep saying that? i'm apple."
"yes you are darling," i smile, grabbing her hands and kissing them. "yes you are."