— Lex —
Dinner was good, even if I barely had enough time to myself to enjoy it. I was sitting between Lily and Celia, who visibly couldn't do a single thing without my assistance. Weren't children supposed to grow and become less needy?
As much as I complained, there was something about kids that I'd always liked. They were truthful and honest. Kids didn't play mind games and didn't try to fuck you up with deceptions and lies. They were simple and easy to handle. Also, Lily and Celia weren't too bad. I still remembered how tiny they used to be, their blonde, thin hair barely covering their heads, their hands perfect replicas of adults but small and chubby. Being their godfather was adding to my responsibilities, and I should try my best to be an example.
Still, I couldn't wait for those five fucking courses to be over, so I could politely but firmly invite everyone to get out, to finally be alone with the gorgeous brunette sitting opposite from me.
Andrea was looking much more like herself, confident and friendly, radiating with spirit. Her smile was always a sight to behold, and she seemed to be finding a lot of things to smile about during her conversation with Emilia and Juliet.
Our gazes would often meet, and every time it did, something tender lit up in her eyes. I was certain the same kind of emotions shown in mine, too.
Everyone at the table suddenly focused on my mother, who'd apparently decided to move back to Seattle for a few months. We all knew she hated this city, and while she used to come now and then, she hadn't actually lived here in years. Every time she could, she preferred to go to her terrace in London, arguing it was a city up to her standard.
She justified herself with whatever reason she had in mind, but the way she glared at Andrea was more eloquent than any of her bullshits. She was here to handle an issue, a threat to her family's prestige.
Fuck that. If she came even near Andrea, I'd throw her on a plane to London myself and banish her to this city she liked so much.
But because I hadn't played this little game of wits with her in a long time, I didn't expect what followed.
"This reminds me, did you know Evora was back in town?" she asked, knowing perfectly well what she was doing.
Shit... I hadn't told Andrea about Eva yet. I'd been meaning to, especially since Evora had moved back to Seattle, but the moment never seemed right. Either that, or I was distracted entirely by whatever Andrea and I were doing, her presence bewitching more often than not. Kevin had been urging me to tell her, arguing it was an important conversation we needed to have.
Truly, I didn't get it. It was a marriage only in name with a woman I hadn't seen in years, and that had lasted less than a week. If it had been meaningless then, it was even more insignificant now. Why did people care so much about the past? It could never be changed, anyway.
Regardless of that, I was feeling like a fucking moron for not telling Andrea about Eva, even though it didn't seem that important. I didn't want a scandal to erupt, though, so I'd have to find a way to redirect the conversation away from what my mother had in mind.
"I know, yes. We had dinner with her and Kev," I answered casually.
I was about to ask Franck how the company was going, which always got him to talk for hours, but Andrea beat me to it. "She's your old friend, right?" she asked me innocently, remembering about my dinner with Evora and Kev.
My mother didn't hesitate for a second and took the opportunity she'd just received on a silver plate. "I would say she's more than a friend. She is practically family."
"Mother, not now," Lucy intervened. Yes, Luce, smart.
"What? I mean, it is no secret, is it? It's a fact."
Fuck. Miriam turned back to Andrea, and the look she gave her was all too familiar. Shit, she was going in for the coup de grâce. "Alexander, is it a secret you and Evora were married?"
That cunning bitch...
Her victorious smile enraged me beyond words, and I was ready to throw them all out. I was so fucking done with this shit.
When I turned to Andrea, the expression on her face destroyed me. Shit, no. She was devastated, wounded, and her confusion was heartbreaking. It wasn't worth it. None of this was worth it. Eva wasn't, and my fucking mother wasn't either.
When Andrea stumbled to get up, throwing a faint "Excuse me," before leaving, I knew I'd messed up immensely.
"Well done, mother," Lucy let out.
My brief marriage with Eva was insignificant. It shouldn't matter. But Kev had been right, and it did matter, and now Andrea was hurt because of it, and because my mother couldn't stop her mind games for an evening.
Turning to the source of my problems, I gave her a murderous glare. "You couldn't help yourself, could you? For the first time in my life I am truly happy, so you had to smear your shit all over that, right?"
"I don't know what you mean. How was I supposed to know she wasn't aware you had an ex-wife?" Miriam pretended.
"How about you don't mention Lex's ex-wife at all? We all know this marriage meant nothing," Emilia intervened, annoyed.
I didn't have time for this. Andrea was somewhere, spiraling, and I had to take care of her, not my despicable genitor.
As I stood up, Lily asked what "shit" meant, but her father dismissed her question with a hush.
Andrea was in my room, pacing it anxiously. I went to her, wanting to comfort her, to explain everything to her, but as I was reaching for her, she jumped away from my grasp.
"Don't you dare touch me," she threatened.
Fuck, she was beyond pissed. She was furious.
Doing my best to keep my calm, I tried explaining everything to her. I tried telling her it meant nothing, that it was inconsequential, but no matter how hard I tried, it was never enough. Everything I said failed to reassure her, sending her further into her rage against me.
I was losing her.
She was slipping between my fingers, and I had no idea how to win her back.
I wouldn't lose her again. Couldn't. I wasn't living a life without her. It wouldn't be worth it. She was the world, my world, and without her, who was I? Without her, nothing would make sense, nothing would matter. If I didn't have her, I would have nothing.
She needed to calm down. She wasn't thinking straight. As long as she couldn't listen to me, she wouldn't understand.
When I suggested we handle it later, she became physical, and I was out of solutions to make this better. I wasn't losing her again.
I grabbed her wrists, so she'd stop pushing me away, and when she writhed, trying to break free, I did my best to immobilize her, worried she'd hurt herself. She finally stopped fighting me, but the hatred I read in her eyes when she looked up wrecked me. "You lied to me," she said, her tone just as spiteful as her eyes.
"I never lied. All the things I've told you, about my feelings, about you, about us... none of it was false. What Eva and I had wasn't what you're thinking. I never loved her as I love you. I never wanted her as I want you. You're the center of the world, Andrea."
She didn't answer anything, didn't strike me with more accusations, didn't try to get away from me. Something changed in her attitude, her body softening against mine, and something familiar flashed in her eyes. The mood shifted, and her anger turned into something I was much better at handling.
This was what couples did, right? You fight, and you settle it with sex. Sex always made everything better, especially with her. Deciding on this course of action, I kissed her throat, and she mewled in my ear.
Good. This I could do. This I could handle. I had no idea what to do with Andrea when she was furious, but I knew how to operate when she was horny. We had dozens of hours of practice together.
She kept talking for a moment, not entirely done with the argument, but she never pushed me away, wanting this. She wanted me. Regardless of how pissed she was at me, she still wanted me, and it was so fucking reassuring. I could have dropped to my knees to thank gods I didn't believe in. But the only one I wanted to worship at the moment was the goddess in my arms.
When she was soft and warm against me, I freed my cock, impatient to finish this and be done with this stupid argument. Neither Evora nor my mother was worth fighting over.
I lifted her, and she reached between us to guide me inside of her. She still needed me...
I pushed myself inside of her with a harsh shove, and her soft plaint echoed in my ear. She was gripping me like a fist, and I couldn't tell if she was tighter than usual or if the situation gave me this illusion. Curious to find out, I pumped myself in and out of her, clenching my teeth at the pressure of her walls around me.
"Shit, you've never been so fucking tight," I breathed out. "Are you okay?"
"Physically, yes. But fuck you. How could you do this to me? How could you lie about this?"
Damn it, weren't we supposed to be over with this argument?
"I didn't tell you, but I never lied. I love you. The way I feel about you, I've never felt it for anyone. I didn't even know it was possible until you came along."
When I tried to kiss her, she stubbornly pulled away from me. I loved the fire she had in her, but this was becoming annoying. "You're being ridiculous. Why can't you understand that Eva meant nothing?"
"Don't say her fucking name when you're inside of me," she spat, purely loathing.
So we weren't down at all with this argument. Why wouldn't she let it go? She was being inflexible, and I was running out of ideas to make this better.
"I told you, this isn't how it works. You can fuck me all you want. It won't just make it all go away," she declared.
Oh, really? One thing always worked to get her docile and relaxed, and I happened to be amazing at it.
Frustrated by her lack of cooperation, determined to show her how much she needed me, how she couldn't live without me, I picked up the pace, fucking her hard and fast as she liked. The more she tried to hold her moans, the more she kept refusing my kisses, the harder I went. I wanted her to remember, to feel how much she loved me, loved this, loved us together.
She was a fucking fury, pulling my hair, biting me, but I never stopped, lost in the irrational moment. None of it felt right, but it felt necessary.
When she shivered in my arms and came with a soft cry, her pussy spasming hard around me, I bent to take her lips, needing the contact, wanting to drink her moans of ecstasy. Even in this moment of pure bliss, she remembered her animosity toward me, biting down on my lips.
I pulled away from her sharp teeth, realizing all this had been a mistake. If even now she couldn't stand the thought of me, it meant we were the furthest possible from being okay and from mending things.
Too far gone to stop myself, I came, filling her tight, spasming channel with my cum. Infinite guilt invaded my mind as I emptied myself inside of her. Fuck, what had I done? This wasn't okay, this wasn't the solution. None of this was fine, and it would make everything so much worse.
As soon as I was finished, she pushed me away and I let her go, hating myself for what I'd just done to her. I looked down at her, at the way she pushed her dress down, almost ashamed, and I wanted to scream at myself. Fucking freak...
Her face was slightly red, her eyes shiny, a thin veil of sweat covering her cheeks, but she completely lacked the usual soft, almost dizzy look she had after we had sex. She still looked pissed and hurt.
Pushing away a curl of hers that wasn't in its place, I whispered her name, wanting to apologize, to beg her to forgive me for what I'd just done. She looked up, and the sadness in her eyes sent another sharp pain to my heart.
I was losing her. She was going to leave me again.
As if to confirm my worries, she slipped past me and headed to the bathroom, leaving me alone. I followed her right away, but by the time I caught up with her, she'd already locked herself in.
"Andrea, open the door," I commanded.
"Leave me alone, Lex."
Fuck. This wasn't happening. Not again.
"I will tear the fucking door down if I have to. Open the door. We need to talk."
She refused again, and again, arguing she needed to be alone.
When I looked down to shove my softening cock back into my pants, I saw it. Unmistakable traces of blood.
Refusing to accept the truth, I first thought her period had arrived. But she'd told me we'd missed it by a couple of days, just before Seoul. It was too soon for it.
No, I knew the truth, the reason why all this had felt so wrong, the reason why she was locked in the bathroom, refusing to talk to me.
I'd hurt her. I'd fucking hurt her. I never wanted to hurt her. But I had. I'd been so fucking absorbed, so anxious to make her give up her rancor... I hadn't noticed her discomfort, her pain. I'd bruised her, made her bleed.
She was going to leave me. She had to. She couldn't stay with me. I was so fucking toxic I would destroy her is she stayed. I couldn't destroy her. She was too important, too perfect. She was Andrea, and I'd rather live without her than see her ruined by my hands.
"Lex?" she called out.
She had to leave me. For both our sakes, she had to go. I had to let her. I'd hurt her. I'd fucked her like a maniac and I'd hurt her. How could I do this to her? This woman only deserved love and adoration, never pain, never brutality.
"Tell me we will work this out. Tell me you won't leave me because of this," I begged, too weak to tell her to go.
I was so fucking pathetic, not even strong enough to let her leave.
Without her, I was nothing. She couldn't leave me. I would make her forgive me. I would be the best fucking man that ever lived if I had to. I would be the man she needed me to be, the man she deserved, the man she wanted. I would be anyone for her, but no one without her. I needed her more than anything.
She didn't answer. She wouldn't. Why would she? I'd fucking hurt her, physically and mentally. I didn't deserve her. I never would. Ten fucking lifetimes wouldn't suffice.
She had to leave me.
When her voice came back, small and trembling, I'd stopped hoping for an answer. "I promise," she said, so low I barely heard it.
She wasn't leaving me. She promised. What was she doing? Didn't she have any good sense? Why the fuck would she stay when I was such a fucking mess? No, I was misunderstanding. She had to get away from me.
"You're not leaving me?"
"No. I just need to be alone for a moment."
She wasn't leaving me.
Relief flooded me, intense and overwhelming. I could finally breathe, even if the heavy weight on my chest was still there. I'd never felt like this, this confused, this lost. I didn't know how to navigate any of this. It felt like I could lose her at the first wrong turn. But for now, she wasn't leaving me.
Something was on my face, and the sensation was so foreign to me, it took me a moment to understand what it was. Tears. Conflicted tears were running down my cheeks.
She should leave me, but she wouldn't. I wasn't even sure I'd let her go if she tried. I wiped the unfamiliar tears away from my eyes and cheeks, uncertain what I should do.
Pressing my forehead against the door to be closer to her, I said the only thing I could think of. The only thing that would always be true. "I love you, Andrea."
I waited, but I wasn't sure why. I wanted her to say it back. I wanted her to come out so I could hold her and tell her how sorry I was for everything. I didn't want to leave her, not like this, not now, but she needed space. She wanted to be alone, and I had to respect that. I'd hurt her, and she didn't want me near her.
Pulling away from the door, I grazed the wooden panel, knowing she was right behind it.
Tonight had turned into such a fucking mess...
And the reason for it was right outside.