Chris reached outside as fast as he could heaving. Under the awning of the front door of the emergency department of the hospital, he bent over and rested his hands on his knees while breathing fast and heavy. He swore he could not breathe. Tears came to his eyes again and he let them fall free there. As his face got soaked from the water pouring from his eyes, he started sobbing not able to control it anymore, but no one could hear him for the rain dropping over the metallic roof above their heads was too noisy and he had chosen a hidden corner in the dark to let all his hurt out. His heart was breaking over and over again. The pain he felt that moment was almost physical. It was excruciating. He couldn't believe she had done something like that. Or how fast she had been to be with someone else. Ellie had been in the arms of another man... it was devastating him.
Chris stood straight and wrapped his hands behind his neck trying to subside his crying. Trying to calm down. He didn't want to hurt that way, but knowing she had been in the arms of another man was beyond unimaginable. It destroyed him inside. Another man touched her skin and felt her scent. Another man kissed her lips and made love to her. Another man got her pregnant... He hadn't been capable to be with other women and he had all the chance to do so. He felt betrayed, for he still hoped she'd come back to him soon. He still loved her with all that he was, with all his soul. Ellie was his everything and without her there was nothing.
"Fuck..." He whispered and cried again, kicking the air's emptiness.
She would never come back. Everything was lost...
Then, he cleaned his eyes and searched for a smoke in the pockets of his jeans, but all he found was the lighter. He slapped his palm against his forehead as he remembered the pack of cigarettes was in his jacket as well as his wallet which had all his money and his documents. His jacket was upstairs in the room where he had left her.
"Fuck." He whispered again, knowing he had to go back there.
Chris shook his head as more tears assaulted his eyes and cleaned them trying to dry his eyes the best he could. He didn't want her to see that he had been crying. Though he knew, he had not been able to disguise his disappointment and hurt when the nurse said the word baby. Ellie knew him well. She was probably the person who knew him better in the whole world after Andy, but since Andy had died, she was the only one. She could read into him just by looking in his eyes, and in that moment, the moment they locked eyes in each other, he knew she had seen all his anguish, all his hurt, and all his disappointment.
"Ok..." He said running his fingers over his long hair. "Be a man." He said.
With that, Chris came back inside the hospital. The emergency room was even noisier and more chaotic than a while ago when he first arrived. It seemed the night was an accident prone. As he did not need any instructions this time, he followed the same blue line until he reached the elevator. The doors were still opened, so he got in and pressed 2. As the doors closed, Chris took deep breaths to calm down, for he didn't want to break down in front of her. When the doors opened, he got out feeling a bit more confident. He greeted the nurse behind the counter again.
"You're going to number thirteen, right?" She asked just to be sure.
"Ellie Cornell, yes." He said.
The nurse nodded, authorizing him to proceed. As he said her name, his hurt was substituted for some sort of anger. She had his name. They were still married. She got pregnant! Chris fastened his pace to make that visit as short as possible. He wouldn't even look at her or say anything to her. He'd grab his jacket and he'd leave, without even looking at her. Still, when he got close to her door, he stopped walking to mentalize himself of all that. Then, he looked around and he perceived something he hadn't when he first got there completely worried about her state. It had written obstetrics all over and he didn't see it.
"Yeah..." He said quietly feeling his heart breaking. He took a deep breath and got in.
"Chris!" Ellie exclaimed as she saw him getting inside.
She was sitting on the bed with some tubes stuck in her arms. Her eyes red. He noticed she had been crying. Though he had made notes of not talking or look at her, that very second all his rage surfaced from within and he groaned. He clenched both his fists and he frowned.
"How could you?" He asked her. "And where is this son of a bitch who isn't event here to assist you?"
Chris..." Ellie tried to speak.
He shook his head. "No... don't say my name with that tone that you know is going to make me melt. That is actually cruel, Ellie." He told her.
Ellie decided to shut up. Chris was pacing around and gesturing with his hands and he looked too tense and nervous. She had to let him say everything he had inside his chest. Finally, he turned to her again.
"How could you do this? Ellie... I couldn't even touch another woman and you... you got over me! You had sex with someone else..." His eyes began to water even if he didn't want to. " You made a baby with another man..." He took his hands to his eyes, cleaning them fast to forbid the tears from falling.
"Shut up!" Ellie told him, crying too, and trying to get the tubes away from her face so she could see him better. "You're talking nonsense."
Chris pointed at her and shook his head. "Don't tell me to shut up. I went after you and I was here worried about you just to hear that you are expecting a child. What a freaking moron you got! Have you called him? Is he even going to show up? Did you get yourself such a scum that he doesn't even care? Was it worth it? Ellie... fuck... say something... how could you do this to us?"
"I..." She started but Chris interrupted her again and she narrowed his eyes at him.
"I hate you so much right now... but so much Ellie... these were our plans! How can you make our plans someone else's plans?"
Ellie groaned. "Shut the fuck up for Christ sake!" She yelled. Chris stopped, looking at her. "The moron.. the scum... the father of this child... is right here in front of me. Yes, he is here!"
"What?" He whispered.
"I am ten weeks pregnant, Chris!" Ellie said. "It's yours!"
"What?" He sat at the edge of her bed with his eyes fixed on hers. He could swear his heart stopped beating that very instant.
Ellie clapped her fingers in front of his eyes. "It's yours." She repeated. "I am pregnant and it's yours."
Chris stared at her for a few seconds and then frowned. He got up, span around and then looked at her and frowned again.
"It's mine?" He asked and Ellie nodded. "It's fucking mine and you didn't tell me?" He raised his tone. "I am so fucking mad at you... I am still fucking mad at you..."
"I was trying to find courage to look for you." Ellie said quietly and he looked at her feeling his heart about to burst out of his chest, reacting just the opposite of when she first delivered the news.
"You let me be here yelling stupid things at you and you don't interrupt me to say that this child is mine. Ellie!" He groaned, feeling ashamed and frustrated.
"That's unfair!" She said. "I tried and you didn't give me a chance. You kept talking and talking..."
"I was right!" He said.
"You were not right." Ellie argued. "You assumed a couple of things and started ranting without giving me the chance to say anything."
"How long have you known?" He asked sitting back on the edge of the bed. Ellie looked away and didn't respond. "Ellie... " He called her patiently. "How long have you known?"
"A month." She said really low.
"A month?" He asked just to be sure he had heard it correctly. She nodded. "You have known for a whole month and you didn't talk to me?"
"I didn't know what to tell you!" Ellie told him, turning her face to look at him.
"That I am going to be a father!" He exclaimed. "That's what you had to tell me."
"You know what I mean." She rolled her eyes. "We are not living together... we are not together Chris..."
"But that's not an excuse!" He said a bit calmer. "When were you going to tell me? When this child was born? Who else knows?"
"Just Brenda." Ellie responded.
"Not even your parents and your sister?" Chris asked and Ellie shook her head. "Ellie..."
"I wanted to tell you first!" She claimed. "I wanted to tell you first than anyone else, but I could not look for you..." Her eyes watered. "... and I had to talk to someone..."
"We are going to have a baby... our baby... we made a baby..." He smiled tenderly and Ellie rolled her eyes.
"Don't give me that smile." She told him. "And don't look at me with those sweet eyes of yours... nothing has changed. We have to figure out a way of this working for this baby, but we are separated and will remain that way. This does not erase anything that happened."
"I don't know who that fucking girl from hell was." He claimed again.
"Ellie..." He got up and cupped her face between his hands, looking in her eyes. "I have never been with another woman since I met you."
"Liar." Ellie interrupted him.
"Ok... since we are together." He corrected himself with a soft smile on his lips that he was trying to control. "Since we started going out hiding from your cousin... remember that?" He smiled there.
Ellie ended up smiling too. "Andy warned me against you. I should have listened to him."
"He menaced me." Chris laughed quietly. "I haven't touched another woman after you, Ellie. Not even after you left our house. I always look for you... for you laughter... for you scent.."
Ellie taped his hands away. "Don't go all beautiful words with me. That's how you got me! You don't fool me again." She said.
"I got you?" He laughed. "How about that time at the club when you got so drunk that you came up to me."
"I never did that!" She exclaimed.
"Excuse me, but you did and I have Xana as my witness and that's how Andy found out about us. Because you spelt your guts. Oh Chris... I am so in love with you..." He imitated her voice in the end and Ellie ended up laughing loud and so did he.
"I didn't do that. I don't believe you." She said after.
"I had two witnesses confirming it. Andy didn't speak to me for two days because I didn't keep my promise of not getting involved with his cousin..."
"Oh yeah.. two days..." Ellie laughed. "...because that's such a long time."
"It was for us." He said losing his smile and turning serious. Ellie lost her smile too.
"You are talking about Andy." She told him.
Ellie wanted to ran her hand over his face that moment, for she knew Andy's death had been a hard blow for Chris. Despite the songs he wrote for him and poems and even letters, he never talked about him, not even with her and Andy was her cousin. When Andy died, Chris had closed himself in his own, sometimes confusing, mind and he wouldn't share a thought or a word about it. He had drowned his pain in his guitar and in his notebook and maybe even neglected her a bit, but she understood his grief. Andy and him were like blood brothers. He was his best friend.
"Yeah..." He got up and turned around to the window. The city lights entertaining his eyes. "I guess... I ..." He stuttered and went silent.
"Chris." Ellie called him and he looked back at her with intense sadness in his vibrant blue eyes. "It's ok to talk about him. We were laughing..." She claimed.
"I don't like to talk about him." He stated. "You know that." Chris looked away from her and looked out at the window again. "I miss him..." He said with his back turned at her. "I miss him all the time... I miss him even more now that you are not there..."
His last sentence brought tears to her eyes but she was able to control it.
"He wouldn't want to see you sad." Ellie told him. Chris bent his head down, looking at his feet. " He hated it when you were sad or upset."
"It's impossible not to be sad, Ellie." He turned around and faced her again. "He was like my brother... maybe more of a brother than some of my real siblings... and there's you... there's us..."
"Let's not talk about that." Ellie asked him.
Chris raised his head and stared at the ceiling. He bit his lower lip and softly smiled. A sarcastic one for sure.
"How come we cannot talk about that?" He asked then looking back at her. "Have you been happy? Because I haven't..." He said taking a hand to chest. "I have been missing you every single second."
"Chris..." Ellie said his name with such plead that he shut up.
"I..." He began again and then shook his head. "I know what you saw but it's not what you think and I cannot find a way to make you see it. I feel so frustrated." He paused. "I feel so powerless..."
"You were kissing a girl..." Ellie reminded him with tears in her eyes. It hurt to remember it.
"I was not." He affirmed again. "I was not, Ellie. She was kissing me but I was not kissing her!"
Ellie looked away from him and he noticed how her gray eyes were glittering. She was holding her tears and he didn't want her to cry. Nothing hurt him more than to see her crying.
"Tell me about the baby." He asked instead. Chris came back near her bed and sat at the edge again.
Ellie shrugged. "There's not much to tell. It's all in the very beginning. I am ten weeks pregnant. The baby is growing normally... I mean it's still too tiny but you can see the arms and the legs forming and hear the heart beating... it's going alright."
"It was that time, wasn't it?" He asked.
"It can only be. I left the house right after..." Ellie said. "I haven't been with anyone, Chris." She decided to clarify. "I also look for you in other people and it's impossible to find another you... it hurts for me to."
"May I?" The doctor knocked on the door and they both looked at her. "I came to check if everything is alright with you?" The doctor approached Ellie and Chris got up, straying a bit.
"I feel fine. The cramps stopped." Ellie explained.
"Yes... it was a big impact but luckily it didn't hit your uterus." The doctor explained grabbing her stethoscope.
She put it in her ears and pulled the sheet away from Ellie. Chris watched it how she gently rested the instrument on Ellie's belly and then she listened attentively. Chris was arms crossed by Ellie's side looking at her. The doctor smiled.
"It's beating strong, but you need to rest. We are keeping you here tonight for observation and you need to rest for two weeks." She informed.
"Alright." Ellie nodded.
"You were hearing the heart?" Chris asked her.
"Yes." She confirmed.
"Can I hear it?" He asked shyly.
The doctor looked at Ellie as if asking permission. "He is the father." Ellie said.
"Come here." The doctor said.
Chris approached her and she put the stethoscope in his ears and then she rested the ending back on Ellie's belly. She searched for the beating, trying to read it in his expression and finally, a smile opened on his lips and she left it there for him to listen properly. Ellie saw his eyes watering in seconds and hers joined him. Finally sharing it with him was very emotional.
"It beats fast." He said choking a little with his eyes glittering.
"Their heart beats faster than an adult. The normal rate is 120 beats per minute." She explained. Then, she took the tool away. "I have other patients to see." She excused herself.
"Thank you." Chris told her.
"You're welcome." She smiled and walked away, leaving them alone again.
Chris turned to Ellie. "What are we going to do? We are having a baby..."
"We have to make this work." Ellie said.
"Yeah... but work how?" He asked her. "Ellie... I want to make this work but together. The three of us... as a family..." He paused and then frowned. "Come on... none of us filed for divorce. This means something."
"We tried to stay together, Chris and it didn't work. I could not get over it." She claimed. "I love you... I really do..."
"What to do you want to do, babe?" He asked approaching her and cupping her face between his hands. "Tell me what you want to do?" He whispered.
"I want to believe you." She whispered back.
Chris rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, inhaling deeply. His thumbs coming back and forward gently over face and Ellie felt heart settling on a higher rate. He spoke again though.
"She came out of nowhere and grabbed me. I was not counting on it and that's what you saw..." He repeated the same story for he didn't have a different one to tell. "I swear this is the truth."
"How did a fan got backstage?" Ellie asked him.
Chris pulled away to look in her eyes. "I have no fucking clue."
"See.. " She pointed. "This is the part that..." She shook her head.
"Babe..." He made her look in his eyes. "Let's go away... let's go live in another city, in another state. Let's leave, just us."
"Chris... you have your band here." Ellie claimed. "How would you manage it from another state?" She curled an eyebrow. "Soundgarden is based here."
Chris walked away from her that moment. "I am so tired of Seattle..." He whispered. A shadow that Ellie had never seen before creeping in his eyes. "I am so tired of everything..." He shook his head and closed his eyes for brief instants, he took both his hands to his head. "I feel so confused... and tired of it all... and all I have is bad memories..." He stopped talking though Ellie could feel so much pain coming out of his words.
"Wait, Chris... what are you talking about?" She asked for she knew he was sharing something deep. Something he hadn't probably shared with anyone else.
"I am tired..." He shrugged. "Seattle is smothering me." He told her while sitting on the couch.
Ellie pulled the sheet away and grabbed the stroller with her medication. Slowly, she put her feet on the floor and got up. Immediately, Chris went to her.
"What are you doing? You heard the doctor!" He said.
"I was going to you." Ellie looked in his amazing blue eyes.
"Sit..." He said pulling her down by her shoulders and Ellie sat. Chris sat by her side on the bed.
"Tell me..." She asked. "What are you talking about?" Chris stared into her eyes with that creepy shadow in his glare. "Chris..." Ellie whispered his name. "What's the matter with you?"
"I feel like I am suffocating." He choked.
Ellie could see how hard it was for him to say it. She bet it was the first time he was admitting it to someone. He looked down, not even able to face her
"Why?" She got the courage to pull a strand of his long hair behind his ear. "Your band is doing wonderful... you got a tour coming..."
"I lost my best friend to drugs... I have other friends fighting drugs..." He paused and then looked at her. His eyes filled with tears. "... I lost you... this whole scene... this whole grunge scene that all of a sudden became so out of hand... no one is controlling it anymore... it's controlling us..."
"Chris, you are just overwhelmed by all the success that you are having." Ellie caressed his face and he closed his eyes as he felt her touch. "You fought so much for the recognition that you are having. You are mazing... absolutely amazing at what you do."
"All the exposure..." He shook his head. "I am a little introverted... you know me... this whole exposure is driving my insane."
"You love to play live." Ellie told him. "You'll see you'll feel better during the tour because you love being on stage, don't you?" She smiled.
"And I am leaving you here pregnant." He argued. "You might need me... I don't know..."
"No... hey..." Ellie took a hand to his face and made him look at her. "We are going to be ok. Me and the baby are going to be healthy and waiting for you to come back and happy to hear about all the success that you're making."
He ended up smiling. "I want a little girl." He said.
"So she can be daddy's girl?" Ellie joked.
"Definitely." He smiled his shy smile. "Come back home." He asked right after. "Our house is so empty without you there. I am so empty without you..."
"I'm not ready." She whispered.
He nodded. "I need you, Ellie."
"We need you too." Ellie grabbed his hand and rested it on her belly. "Remember this..." She looked in his eyes.
"I'm gonna be everything my father wasn't." He promised. "Not that it's hard..."
"You are going to be the best daddy ever." Ellie assured him. "You are nothing like him...nothing... you are sweet and tender and loving..."
"And a fucking mess." He completed.
"Chris, you are scaring me..." She told him knowing something was not right.
"Now you should rest. Go back to bed, come on." Chris got up and held the sheets up.
Ellie looked at him waiting for him to open up a little more but she knew he had turned that page and that moment there would be no turning back. She got up and lie down while he tucked her in. Chris bent over her and rested his lips on her forehead, lingering for a few seconds. Then, he strayed and looked in her eyes and he ventured to approach his lips to hers. Ellie held her breath while her heart took off racing and Chris's breathing became heavier. He let his head fall a bit more until his nose touched hers and the second after, he brushed his lips on hers softly and at the same time his eyes closed and so did hers. He then pecked her and he felt her hand rest on his cheek. Chris kissed her lips one more time, feeling hers kissing him back. He parted his lips and ran the tip of his tongue over her upper lips and Ellie opened her mouth to let him encounter her tongue. His hand rested firmly on her chin and her hand tangled in his curly locks while their lips were glued and their tongues made love to one another. After a while, they broke the kiss gently and Chris rested his forehead against hers with his eyes closed.
"I love you so." He whispered really low.
"I love you too." She responded. "We love you." She then corrected which caused him to smile.
He pulled away and looked in her eyes. "Try to sleep now."
"You're going home." She told him.
"Hell no." He said. "I am sleeping on that couch." He pointed. "I am not leaving you here. There's no chance that I am leaving you here."
"I am fine and the baby is fine. Go home." Ellie almost ordered. "You need to sleep properly. Chris..." Ellie paused and they locked eyes. "Have you been sleeping?"
"A few hours." He confessed.
"A few hours?" Ellie asked in disbelief. "You know you need to rest. Please... go home and you come back tomorrow morning." She insisted for she knew he needed to rest but Christopher Cornell was stubborn.
"I'll be fine on that couch." He said sitting there.
"Chris..." She tried.
"I have made up my mind." He said firmly.
"You don't even fit on that small couch!" Ellie pointed it out.
"I'll fit." He insisted.
"You haven't eaten anything!" She then remembered.
Chris rolled his eyes. "I am fine!"
"I am worried about you." Ellie said.
Looking better at him, Chris looked so thin and under his eyes there were huge black bags.
"There's nothing to worry about." He smiled. "Close your eyes, come on..."
"Chris, you are not doing drugs are you?" She asked. "Tell me the truth, babe. Are you?"
"No." He responded firmly. "I am not, I swear. I am just having trouble sleeping since you left. I am not using, Ellie. I swear I am not."
"Ok..." She said closing her eyes.
"Sleep well." He told her.
"Go home." Ellie responded with a distant voice.