"Mr. Laden, have a seat." My new therapist said as I sat down.
"How are you today? Truthfully." He asked.
"Truthfully, nervous and a bit, hopeful." I said clenching my fists.
"How nervous are you?" He asked. What kind of questions are these?
"I'm about a six right now." I said.
I can't be here for another fifty minutes.
"How would you describe yourself?" He leaned forward and clasped his hands.
"I would like to think I'm a natural-born leader, I'm committed to self-improvement, disciplined, problem-solver, reliable, traditional, and loyal, hard worker. I have a duty to protect those who can't do it themselves. I respect others and like to think I'm the kind of person who values selfless service, honor, integrity, and courage. I have to be having a young child at home. My parents live on the west coast and I don't see them as often as I'd like to. Especially because they haven't formally met my son." I said. I could talk about Colby all day.
"And you're in the military yes?"
"Eight years strong." I smiled proudly.
"And would that be your biggest achievement?" He asked.
"Yes as well as being a single dad from the age of twenty-three." I said.
"What do you like most about yourself?" He asked.
"I don't know… I mean I like that my son looks up to me like I'm superhuman but to like something about myself… I find it weird, isn't that being self-absorbed?" I said and he smiled, for what reason, I'm not so sure. He nodded without a word writing everything down.
"If you could change the world, what would you change?"
"Fear, I want to feel safe everywhere I go without having to look over my shoulder every minute. In my line of work, you learn that even an ally can be your biggest enemy." I said.
"Is that all?" I swallowed the lump in my throat.
"When I was in high school… I was taking a shortcut through the forest near my school and one my way home this feral creature tackled me. It had blue, maybe yellow eyes. I was on my stomach with my face being pushed into the dirt road and it was growling at me, I felt the drool dripping onto my neck and as the growling got louder. I felt it's hot breath on my neck and felt its weight on my back and I was frozen, scared out of my mind that it was going to kill me at that moment. I have never been more scared of anything in my entire life. The growling soon faded as another massive beast tackled the beast and in a state of panic and fear I just began to throw rocks. I didn't mean to injure that poor wolf, the one that didn't look so evil… I just panicked and ran, now I can't even remotely look at dogs that look like wolves or even look at wolves themselves. I can't help how I feel no matter how hard I forget. I told my parents about my experience but we all thought it was just adrenaline, neither of us would have thought it would turn into a phobia." I said, tearing up feeling the paw and its breath on my back again making me shiver.
"What do you think is the meaning of life?" He asked.
"The meaning of life? What does that have to do with my trauma?" I asked but just sighed.
"The meaning of life for me is this, everything happens for a reason. That there was a greater reason for being attacked. I know that's what you're getting at but that thing wasn't natural, it was just an empty shell with a demon inside." I said. I hated that thing, I hated that, the one animal I once loved, I couldn't even look at pictures anymore without the flashbacks of that night.
He got up and sat with me.
"Can I try something?" He asked and I nodded as he laid me down and placed a clear oil on my forehead.
"What did you just do?" I asked.
"In simple turns, I opened your mind's gate. Now, on with the questions. Do you prefer working alone, or do you like working with others?" He said.
"With others, I can't do my job with the help of my men. It's the one thing I valued about wolves, the way they worked together and everyone did their part in the pack." Where the hell did that come from?
"It was a clarity oil, passed down for generations." He smiled.
The rest of the session became less about my job and family and more about my phobia without me even meaning to talk about it. He asked me things such as 'tell me something about myself that nobody would know' or 'what is my deepest belief about life' somehow I related it to wolves and it was pretty damn scary. His next question threw me for a loop.
"What did you discover about yourself when your last relationship began?"
"That there's no better man than the man I'm in love with right now. He sees me for me and he treats my son as his own like a wolf welcoming a lone wolf into their pack, no one left behind, they take care of each other. I discovered that he's like my guardian angel, it may not be about me personally but he makes me feel like I'm the only thing that matters… that I deserve love and that he'll never leave." Why can't I stop talking about wolves now and now I'm associating them with Gregory? But why? I'm honestly making myself sick.
"Who is the most important person to you, and it can't be your son." He asked.
"My boyfriend, Gregory Morgan." I smiled and I was probably blushing pretty hard.
He just nodded.
"Well, looks like your time is up Mr. Laden. Honestly speaking, you're not as afraid as you think, you were smiling the entire time minus talking about your experience back then. I think you're definitely on your way to forgetting about the past and moving on to a brighter future. Maybe this Gregory Morgan could help you." Just maybe he could…
"Thank you, Dr. Morris, I appreciate this a lot." I smiled and shook his hand.
When I left, I felt lighter as if a weight was lifted off of me.
On my way home I couldn't stop smiling, I couldn't wait to see champ. The song that played on the radio made me feel even lighter. I think it's saying, just live life. Be free. Love everyone. Lifes too short. So I began singing in my own little world.
It was a song by Akon called 'freedom' ironically so it was just perfect for how I felt in, this moment.
"Champ I'm home…" I called out when I walked through the door.
"Dada!!" He tackled me.
"I hope he didn't give much trouble babe." I smiled as Gregory came out of the kitchen, he was wearing a tank top and slacks, must have taken his dress shirt off and he looked amazing.
"I finished work early so it was the least I could do." I kissed him hard.
"Still, thank you for everything. I love you, babe." I smiled brighter.
He kissed me back and I was over the moon.
"I love you too Travis, so much." He whispered as he caressed my cheek softly and smiled, his hazel eyes shining with happiness.
"Let's eat and you can tell me all about therapy today." I just blushed and nodded picking up Colby.
As promised, we sat down for dinner, I told him everything, the truth about my fear of wolves. At first, I thought he'd judge me for keeping Bolt even though I was slightly afraid of him but I don't want to take away something Colby absolutely loves. But I was so wrong.
"We'll get through this together, I promise babe." He smiled and that was the moment I never wanted to let him go, even if it killed me.
"Would you want to stay the night?" I asked as we were cleaning up the dishes from dinner. He stopped and looked at me and I didn't know what he was thinking, maybe it's too soon to be staying overnight?
"I would love to." He said and I sighed in relief. I am almost ready to take our relationship to the next level and maybe him staying the night will be the push we need.
We have had some pretty hot make out sessions but he always stops right before we get naked and at times I feel that he doesn't want me so I always wait for him to make the move now but I don't know how much longer I can wait. I know he's going to be the dominant one, there's no question about it even if I have a bigger build, he's more of an Alpha male than I ever will be and that's ok, as long as he shows me he loves me, I'm good with being the sub I guess is the right word?
"Papa can you help me in the bath?" Colby asked Gregory and he put his hands over his mouth when he realized he called him papa. I didn't know what to expect, I didn't think Colby would say that to Gregory and I'm worried that he will feel obligated to make Colby happy and accept being papa when we have only been together for four months.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you papa." Colby had tears falling out of his bright green eyes and ran out of the room. I looked at Gregory and he seemed upset.
"I'll be back." I ran after Colby and found him in his playroom. I shut the door and sat down in front of him and pulled him onto my lap. I kissed his head and held him as he cried.
"I'm sorry dada, please don't be mad." He said in between sobs and my heart broke at the sounds he was making.
"Colby I'm not mad, I promise." I said as I kept rubbing his back until he calmed down. He looked up at me and his eyes were red and puffy and he had snot running down his lip. I used my fingers to clean his nose after I wiped his tears and wiped my fingers on my pants. I kissed him and he hugged me.
"I'm not mad ok, I promise but can I ask why you called Gregory papa?" I asked and he sniffled and his lip was slightly quivering.
"Because he loves us dada, he makes you happy and he plays with me. He helps us and takes care of us. He is real nice and he makes you happy dada. I want to be a family with him as my papa." Ok I was not expecting that answer from my almost four year old. I didn't know what to say.
"I love you Colby, I know Gregory loves you also and if it's ok with him, I don't see a problem with you calling him papa." I said and he smiled so big that I couldn't help but chuckle and kiss his forehead.
"Now come on, go talk to him and see what he thinks." I got up with him in my arms and he giggled as I tickled him. When I got to the door for the bathroom, I heard the water and opened the door and Gregory was leaning against the sink, facing it with his head down and his eyes closed.
"I didn't have him call me papa Travis, I swear. It shocked me as much as it did you. I had no idea he thought of me in that way." Gregory was a mess, he seemed pained at the thought of me being upset about this.
"Colby has something he wants to ask you." I put him down and he slowly walked to Gregory and Gregory got on his knees and Colby looked him in the eye and Gregory smiled fondly at him, like the first time they met.
"Can I call you papa Mr. Gregory? I love you like a papa and I want you to be my papa." Never in the past four months have I seen Gregory choke up and tears form in his eyes like I am seeing right now.
"Oh Colby, I would love more than anything to be your papa." Gregory took Colby into his arms and hugged him tightly and closed his eyes, sighing happily.
"I love you Colby, you are the best son in the world and I promise I will always, always be there as your papa no matter what happens in life. You can always count on me." He looked up at me and I had to wipe my eyes and smiled at him.
"I love you too papa." Colby said and kissed his cheek. Gregory stood up and turned the water off and helped Colby with his bath as I got his night clothes together.
Today was one hell of a day. Therapy went well, dinner was amazing and now in a way with the help of my son, my family is complete until we get married and have more kids. I hope that's my future at least.