- Gilbert's POV -
"Gilbert... Gilbert... Gilbert..."
A familiar voice called out to me. I didn't know whether to say it was 'familiar' or not, though. I couldn't recognize it. I twitched in my bed, trying to go back to sleep. But the voices kept bothering me. A voice, from my past? A young boy. A boy I cared about. A boy I was worried for. A boy I missed?
"Don't leave me alone, Gilbert!"
"Gilbert... Gil... Gilbert!"
"What the hell do you want, Ludwig?!" I sat up suddenly, instantly feeling a pain in his head and could hear a ringing in his ears, as if acknowledging the memory was a mistake. A loud chirp brought me back to my sense, "Ah, sorry Gilbird... Did I wake you?"
The bird hopped onto my hand, demanding pets. I held him as I looked around my room and thought to myself. I felt disoriented, and above all, confused. Why did I reply like that? As if I was scolding the young voice. And above all, why that name? Who's name was it? It was familiar. This time I knew the name was familiar. I heard it recently, but my memory was foggy. I genuinely couldn't remember what that name came from. I could have sworn it was a recent memory.
It seemed that the more that I tried to remember, the more I forget about recent memories. And it was starting to scare me. I didn't want to forget the little memories I have gained. I don't want to forget the people I know now. I just wanted to know who the hell I am. What happened to me?
A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts, "Come in,"
Feliciano peeked his head in, "Oh, did I wake you? Sorry"
I sat up and rubbed my eyes, "No, I was already awake. What's up?"
Feliciano looked concerned, "Are you okay, first of all?"
"Ah, my head hurts a little bit, but don't worry about it," I smiled at him, "You, on the other hand, look like you haven't slept at all,"
"I've been kept awake pondering, hehe..." Feliciano admitted, "I was going to wait to talk about it with Lovino, but you know..."
I looked at him, confused, "Know what?..."
Now Feliciano was confused as well, "That he's at his apartment? With Antonio?"
I blinked and suddenly remembered, "Shit, yeah. You're right. How did I forget..."
That was a prime example of my forgetfulness. I shook my head and pretended not to look bothered by it and changed the topic, "So what have you been thinking of?"
Thankfully, Feliciano carried on to change to topic to himself, "Well, uh, it's about my boyfriend..."
"Your..." I stopped talking, suddenly remembering.
"How can I forget that too?!" I thought to myself.
But again, I pretended nothing bothered me, "What about him? Is everything okay?"
"Yes, everything is going just great... better than I could have ever hoped for. I really love him, but..." Feliciano sighed, sitting besides me, "He asked me today if I wanted to move in with him and it was just so sudden and like a wake up call and I don't know what to do... I thought I would be more euphoric about this but I feel so guilty and scared..."
"Well, what did you tell him?"
"I didn't say no... but I didn't say yes either. I just said I wanted to be with him, which is true. And he didn't ask for a clarification so I don't know if he assumed I meant yes or if he noticed my conflicted feelings about it. Either way, I don't know what to do... I thought it would make me the happiest person alive to finally be together, but now I just feel dread. Like something terrible is going to happen..."
"I mean, you must have thought that before considering you're a ghouls and he's not,"
"Yes, of course but... I don't know. I want to think everything will be okay, but I know it won't be. But I... love him. So much. I didn't think I would but god, it's so painful..." Feliciano started to sob, I leaned closer to him and offered a shoulder to cry on. He immediately accepted and hugged me. I hugged him back to comfort him as he continued to talk, "Why was I so unlucky to be born? To be so unlucky to survive and finding a reason to live only to know it can't be because of what I am... if I only had to worry about myself, I would be with him with no hesitation, even if it led me to my death but I have Lovino and Elizabetha and Roderich and you and the others in the cafe... it's not fair!"
I understood what he meant and it hurt me to see Feliciano, who was usually optimistic and full of hope, realize the weight of his actions, "So what are you going to do?"
"I don't know... I... think I need to stop seeing him... but I love him so much, I don't think I could ever do that to Ludwig-"
"Wait-" There was a sudden tension as the unexpected name was spoken.
"What?..."
"That name..." I finally managed to sputter, "That name! Feliciano- And the boy from my dreams... the one calling me... Blond hair, blue eyes- W-what's his last name?"
"Beilschmidt..." Feliciano was confused, "How did you know Ludwig has blond hair and blue eyes, you never met him-"
"My brother-" I suddenly said, not thinking and shaking as I realized, "M-my... oh my god..."
"What?..."
"I keep dreaming... of a young boy who is begging me to s-stay. A-and I walk past a door and I leave him. And I never see him again-"
"Are you sure?"
"Y-yes. Lovino and I saw him when you went on your date-"
"You two spied on me?!" Feliciano eyes widened.
"We just wanted to make sure you were safe but anyways, I recognized him and I remembered my last name. I'm pretty sure it's my last name. It felt important to me... and so did Ludwig..."
Feliciano gasped, "Ludwig told me he had a brother and a father. His father was a ghoul hunter who died on a mission. His older brother was supposed to take care of him while his father was on the mission but he decided to leave him in their house to go out to hang out with his friends. And he never came back..."
"Oh my god... I abandoned him... and maybe that day I was captured? This all happened because I was irresponsible and left him alone for god knows how long!... and now I'm like this, a fucked up experiment, while I left my little brother all alone. He must hate me..."
"I doubt Ludwig hates you," Feliciano replied softly, "When he talked about you, he was sorrowful, but I did not see any hate in his eyes. He is kind and patient and gentle-"
"And he's a ghoul killer" I bit my tongue as I interrupted him and saw Feliciano flinch, "Shit, Feli. I'm sorry-"
"-For telling the truth?" he finished my sentence with a sad smile, "It's alright. It's better to hear it from you than to face it on my own. Life is weird, isn't it?"
"Fucking weird, indeed"
Feliciano took a deep breath before finally saying, "Are you going to tell him?"
I stayed quiet for a moment, "I always thought that I wanted to find out about my past, about who I was before I became a ghoul. But now that I remembered Ludwig, I'm scared to find out what will happen. Especially now that it's not just me who will face the consequences, but you and Elizabetha and Roderich and the others. I feel like it would be selfish for me to expose everyone just for the sake of trying to have back what I once had, as impossible it is."
Feliciano stared at me, as if he was trying to figure out if I was being honest or not. I guess he knew the truth, because his face mirrored the same pain I felt, "It's dangerous. But you can't change the fact that he is your brother. I know how important your past is for you. I can't ask you to promise me not to reach out to him, because I know it's difficult"
"I just said that I won't-"
"But you're lying. And even if you aren't, who knows what will happen. I mean, I promised Roderich and Elizabetha that I would never break the rules, and look at me" He smiled again, but it was short lived, "I think if Ludwig had a connection to both of us, it just brings more people in danger. And if I can do my part, as I should have from the start, then maybe I can keep my family safe and happy. Even if it means I can't be happy..."
It didn't take long for me to realize, "You're going to break up with him? Just like that?"
More tears were shed from the half ghoul, but he remained calm, "I know it's for the best for everyone. But I'm not sure I can have the strength to do it"
"But..." I couldn't help but want Feliciano to stop worrying. But he was right. It was bad enough I was related to Ludwig. I can't stop being his brother. But Feliciano can cut his ties with him.
"You understand, don't you? You're kinda in the same tangled web with Matthew, right?" He then shook his head and panicked, "Ah, sorry! I think you should do the same with him! I can't control you. And I can't control the world. I can only control what I can do. So if that's what I must do, then I will. After all, all I want is for him to be safe,"
"Sorry for taking up your time... and thanks for listening," He stood up and headed out quickly, probably to go to think alone.
"Wait!" He left too quick, not listening to me. He left me confused with his final phrases and I couldn't ask him.
"...Who's Matthew?..."
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A/N:
Hello! Apologies for long delay! 2020 has been, something else to say the least. I hope you are all okay and well.
But look, New Cover Art!
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! I appreciate all comments and votes and I'll see ya next update!