It can't be true. That's the thought that runs in my mind like a hamster on its wheels. How can she be gone? It's so difficult to comprehend. I can't wrap my head around it and I know as I stand here with the cool breeze hitting my skin. And the eerie stillness in the atmosphere I know I'm not the only one with the same thought.
“But how?” I turn to face AJ finally breaking away the thick deadly silence. “How do you know she's... ”
I bring my eyes to my white Nikes. I can't bring myself to say the words even the thought of it makes my stomach twist into small knots.
AJ sighs and drags his feet to me moving past Ameria who has her arms wrapped around herself.
“Ahem”, he clears his throat “well um”, his eyes fall to his feet
My stomach takes a dip lower into its self. It does cartwheels swimming into its deadly acidic waters.
“I want to know AJ!”, I yell at him with impatience running through my body.
“Jake found her” he looks up at me his eyes darker and glossier with pain.
I scoff shaking my head “you're not serious.”
His eyebrows twist his dark clouded eyes become clear and his bug-eyed “you don't believe him?”
“Of course I don't, anyone who believes him is a fool you know Jake is heartless his the type to make a joke out of this.”
This time AJ scoffs “well he ain't joking look at this”, his fingers run around his phone and then he lifts it.
Presenting a picture with the blue sign route 98, it's evident that with that sign it's the freeway.
Rows of cop cars are parked to the side of the road with the blood-red and blue lights shining so brightly they blur the image
Yellow tape is wrapped around the bark of towering forest trees.
“Well, I don't see Ava so it could mean anything.” I cross my arms over my chest
“Are you nuts you want to see a dead bod..” He stops himself “Jake wouldn't lie about this okay.”
“I still don't believe it, why don't we go to the freeway?”
“The fuck!”, Ameria hisses “are you serious right now?” she pushes AJ to the side.
“Yes I'm serious why does everyone believe Jake come on guys, the guy can be morbid. He can turn this into a prank.”
“She has a point”, Skyler interjects “this is Jake we are talking about. The same Jake who made fun of that ninth grader that almost killed herself”
“Exactly his probably laughing his ass right now, think about it.”
“Nah this is different”, AJ says
“I agree with AJ”, Ameria adds
I roll my eyes “well then the only way to find out is to actually go there. So who's ready to take a road trip?”
I look around the circle Skyler is still half alive with her blood-red inebriated eyes. AJ shakes his head. Ameria pouts and rolls her eyes. Mazin stands there expressionless. He's probably wondering what the fuck he has got himself in to. The rest of the eyes I land on are either A. confused as fuck or B. don't give a fuck.
“I'm up for it”, Skyler lazily raises her hand and leans on to Mazin.
“Y'all are crazy,” Ameria turns away from me she's about to walk out from the tight circle.
“No, we're right!” I bark at her and she stops in her tracks.
“Okay fuck it lets go then”, she throws her hands up in the air
“Great Mazin's driving” I break away from the circle.
“Uhh the rest of us are just going to head home”, the unfamiliar faces says but I just go on walking away.
I take large steps to the glass door, my blood boils with just the thought of Jake possibly joking about this. But what if he isn't? My almost toppling pot of blood settles for a bit, now it's replaced with waves of uncertainty.
He can't be right
But what if he is?
This is Jake we are talking about
But he isn't that cruel
Oh, come on!
It's like a tug of war in my head, the left hemisphere versus the right hemisphere of my brain.
My subconscious vs my conscious. My creative side versus my logical side.
I have to see it for myself, it's the only way I will settle this war.
I turn the door and just as I am about to dash into this nightmare a tug on my elbow stops me.
“Are you sure about this?” Mazin asks looking me dead straight in the eyes with loads of bags under his eyes.
“This is... kinda”, his bullseye organ of sight turn to the floor and he bites the corner of his chapped lips.
“It's kinda crazy”, he whispers.
“It's the only way I will know for sure” I turn away from him and push open the door.
With his heavy fast-paced footsteps, he follows right behind me. He unlocks his black polo Vivo and once again I'm back in the car. The Macdonald scent is still thick in the air.
The passager doors open up simultaneously
“I am not sitting in the middle” Ameria exclaims.
“Same”, Skyler chimes.
“Are you serious!” I hear AJ complain, but eventually, his stuck in the middle.
“I still think this is nuts,” Ameria says as the engine starts.
Maybe her and Mazin are right maybe this is little crazy, but
I must know and I must be right.
I can't imagine a world without Ava, I don't know who I will be. So, Please God let this be some twisted joke if she's really gone I don't think I will ever be the same.
I Don't want to understand the true meaning of what John green meant when he said grief reveals you. If Ava's really gone how will her no longer existing reveal me?
With every red light we skip and every turn we take the more my thoughts battle each other.
She's gone
She's not
You have to prepare
There is nothing I have to prepare for
What will you do if she's dead?
She can't be it's not possible
My right and left hemisphere tackle each other for dominance this only makes my stomach pirouette and Tour en l'air up to the trachea. The bits of chips and burger doesn't sit well within me. This is all too much I can't handle this now, but I have to know. I need to know.
Everyone else seems to be in their heads as well it's so painfully quiet, why didn't Mazin think to play some music? I'm pretty sure Skyler's passed out it's her breathing that's the only thing that fills the silence. Ameria's probably cussing me out in her head. AJ is probably doing the same. As for Mazin he probably thinks I'm crazy I can't blame him though. He just met me and now we're probably going to a crime scene.
The night's darker than ever, tonight the moon is nowhere to be seen, but it's not completely gone. It still lights up the sky even though it's not visible. The stars sparkle like a box of glitter thrown onto an art project. The freeway is fairly empty its almost like we are the only ones on this road.
The forest trees stretch high into the sky trying to touch the stars. Mazin curves with the freeway and I can tell we are getting closer. This is the only curve on the freeway and after it, there is the blue sign “R89” it reads just like in the picture.
The cop cars are parked on the side of the road all lined up behind each other.
“Just park behind the cops”, I tell Mazin and with no hesitation, he does what I say.
“Yo wake up”, I hear Ameria say to Skyler. She mumbles but wakes up.
Waves of the food swish back and forth in my stomach, my tongue runs dry. And as I step out the car the earth underneath me swivel, my knees buckle and my temples throb in agony. I lean against the car for support and inhale the damp moss air. I close my eyes and my chest rises and falls with every deep breath I take.
“You okay?” I open my eyes abruptly to face Mazin's furrowed brows
“Yes I'm fine”, I hiss at him
“Hey”, he lays his hand on my shoulder “I'm just making sure you good.”
“I'm fine”, I yank his hand away let's see if we can find any cops I push myself up away from the car.
The owls in the haunting woods hoot the leaves of the trees rustle. Footsteps behind me patter. The rows of cop cars seem never-ending. The yellow tape wrapped around the trees begin to become visible, and straight ahead are red and blue lights shining.
It's an ambulance van alongside the van stands two cops in their blue uniforms. In their hands, they hold what seems to be notebooks. I take larger hasty steps itching to know what's going on.
The cops next to the ambulance van nod their hands simultaneously and close their notebooks. The fatter one walks away from the van while thinner one talks into his speaker that rests on his shoulder. He then walks away from the van.
“Hey, that kinda looks like Jake” Skyler points out.
“That is Jake!” AJ bolts using all his might to go comfort, Jake.
Jakes sits in the van with a blue blanket wrapped around him, but it doesn't quiet cover him nicely it's too small for his broad shoulders, so it looks like a tiny blue towel hanging on his shoulders.
“Still think his playing around?” Ameria asks giving me a side-eye.
I ignore her and watch as AJ wraps his large arms, around Jake. Jake pats his back and they pull out of the manly hug.
We catch up to AJ and he leans against the van. Jake's low fade curls are covered in twigs and leaves. His lower eyelids are a shade of red, the white of eyes are also a shade of red. He looks straight ahead not even acknowledging us. His left cheekbone has a smudge of mud on it. His knees are covered with prints of mud.
“Jake” Ameria places her arm on his board shoulder. He says nothing.
Ameria just hugs him and goes stand next to AJ and places herself under his armpit. AJ holds her tightly.
My heart beats picking up its pace “where's...” I sigh and my lungs squeeze themselves the air that I need right now just vanishes away.
So I force myself to breathe in and out, refilling myself with air
“Where's Ava?” my voice shakes
Instead of an answer from Jake, a few cracks of twigs and disembodied voices catch our attention. I turn to look at the yellow tapped trees through the darkness of the woods shines two lights. The voices become distinct and the words I catch are
“I'm afraid this has become a murder investigation.”
The ground underneath me spins like I have become the earth orbiting around the sun. Goosebumps raise and a cruel chill tickles down my spine.
“It can't be” I grab on to my coily hair it can't be I say out loud
“Where is she?” I look at Jake
“Where is Ava!”I grab him by his shoulders?
“Tell me!” I shrill puncturing his spirit.
“She's fucking dead!”, he screams violently and his face twists into horror as it turns red and tears run down his cheeks like a flooding tap.
My stomach twists and burns into self and huge waves form within me, huge waves that can't be tamed, so they rush out. And my body jerks forward. Chucks of food fly out and drop down to my shoes.
“Ewww!” Skyler shrills and moves away from me.
“Fuck” I look down at my stained chunky vomit.
“Nora”, I look up, my eyes meet with the familiar deep grey eyes
“Detective.....Ad..Adams.”
“What are you doing here?” He slips off the rubber blue gloves.
My eyes begin to sting with hot fat tears that cover my vision. “It's true isn't she's dead isn't!” The tears burst down on to my checks racing down my chin. “Tell me!” my vision clears.
“Nora” strong warm arms wrap around me.
“No let me go”, I fight away the barrier of arms.
“Tell me detective tell me!” I scream at him and it echoes through the murderous woods quelling the hooting of the owls
It Can't Be
It's Can't Be
It's Can't Be
It's Can't Be
How can she be dead?