CHAPTER SIXTEEN |
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WARNINGS: graphic depictions of an eating disorder and conversations of anorexia and body insecurity. please don't read if this is a trigger. love you all 💗
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KAYLA HAD MADE a point of completely ignoring Rachel for the last week. Not necessarily on purpose, but more so because she was so busy. She had Cheerios practice everyday along with glee rehearsals and overall regular school. She was moving on and up with everything so much so that she didn't have time to deal with Rachel's stupid drama.
Everyone on the cheer team was sat on the bleachers, listening to Coach Sylvester rant on and on about some journal piece someone was going to be writing on her and the Cheerios at Friday's pep rally.
"Alright ladies and lady boys, I got a list of names of uglies I need to come to my office after this sad sack show: Santana, Brittany, Aretha, Lady Hummel, and Rexy."
Kayla sighed, trying to hide her face as Sue called out her nickname. It was that evil name that Dakota Stanley called her earlier on in the year and she had to assume that Sue was in on it because she'd been calling Kayla that name ever since. For some reason, the nickname had less of an effect on her when Sue said it. Maybe it was because Sue insulted everyone and aside from the Unholy Trinity, they all had nicknames. Maybe it was because Sue judged literally everyone, so she knew she wasn't the only one being singled out.
Kayla walked with Kurt and Mercedes to Coach Sylvester's office while Santana and Brittany trailed behind them, whispering sweet nothings to each other. Everyone knew something was going on with them. It was common knowledge that Brittany had absolutely no preference on her sexual partners. She had slept with pretty much every guy in this school. Santana, on the other hand, pretty much switched between dating Matt and Puck. She made sure that she seemed straighter than straight, but Kayla could see behind all her vicious words and sarcasm, Santana was at her happiest when she was with Brittany. Still, it didn't look like either party were quite ready for coming out and surely they were still on the casual side of things in their friendship. Kayla wasn't ever going to push it. She knew what it was like to be outed. She was going to wait for them to come to her.
Santana and Brittany picked up their pace and quickly sat down in the chairs in Sue's office. Kayla sighed, her and the rest of the group being left to stand up behind the two cheerleaders sitting down.
Sue leaned back in her chair. "Here's the deal, Katy Perry tweens. You all need to lose ten pounds by the end of the week. You're fattening up so much Lady Hummel's cheeks look like a nice buttered up corn on the cob."
"Brittana here are gonna mentor you through your cleanse cycle and make you look less like an exotic dinner at a shady Mexican restaurant."
Kayla could feel her blood boiling again. Here she was, once more, listening to someone tell her that she needed to lose some weight and with all the work she had done to overcome her eating disorder, she was not about to go to that ugly place again.
She took a deep breath and thought about her next words carefully. She knew a bad choice of words could end in her being not only kicked off the Cheerios but possibly suspended. Sue had a lot of power at this school, but instead of letting out her eloquent paragraph about the harm of perpetuating body image and eating disorders, she ranted.
"Sue, you're kind of a bitch." she noticed how Sue's face slightly twitched as the words reached her, but she kept going.
"You're rude, judgemental and very possibly came from the stone age. Never tell me or anyone in this room, hell, anyone in this school how much weight they need to lose. Especially not for a cheer article that exactly no one cares about other than you. In fact, I think having Cheerios of all shapes and sizes and colors and religions would actually be a lot more interesting, but fuck all what I have to say right? I'm just a short Rexy."
Sue took in Kayla's words for a moment and finally brought her hands together, clapping sarcastically at her speech.
"You know, K, you remind me of a young Sue Sylvester." she said.
Santana piped up. "You've literally said that to all of us."
"Shut it, Charro. What I meant to say is that you've got spunk, kid. I think this team needs a bit more of that Gwen Stefani bark you've got going for you, but diet's still happening. Effie, with that tracksuit on, you look like Jazmine Sullivan's lesbian daughter." Sue directed her attention to Mercedes who Kayla could tell felt uncomfortable with the conversation. Sue was basically forcing her to wear the skirt and lose the weight. Mercedes didn't need to. Sue needed to lose that ugly personality, but that wasn't going to happen either.
Kayla sighed deeply, sticking her middle finger up and pointing it at Sue. "See you at the pep rally, coach."
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Kayla sat at her lunch table all alone, just playing with her salad. It was all she was allowing herself to eat at the moment. As much as she had called out Sue, she was a hypocrite. She was following the diet regimen. She knew she shouldn't care what anyone thought of her body, but she did. When she had sex with Puck, all she thought about the whole time was if her body looked okay and comparing herself to all the girls he'd already had sex with.
She always felt this overwhelming urge to impress everybody and make a facade they couldn't see through. She needed to be this perfect entity that no one and nothing could touch. She had to act a certain way and look a certain way. So much so that when she got outed and lost control of everything, her weight was the only thing left that she had control of. She could control what went into her body and the amount. She could decide whether she wanted to eat or not, but that was such a dark period of her life and she was really trying to get better. It was just a process. Some days she felt worse and today was one of those days when she heard the commotion from across the lunchroom.
"Stop trying to get me to eat you!" and then she saw Mercedes hit the floor. Kayla and Quinn locked eyes as they trailed to Mercedes' unconscious body and they both sprung to action, trying to help her up and get her to the nurse's office.
Through much trial and error and a lot of help from Finn and Puck, they got Mercedes to the nurse's office. Quinn and Kayla sat quietly by her side, waiting for the girl to wake up.
Quinn peered over at the brunette. "Are you starving yourself too?"
Kayla had to take in the question because really, yes, she'd been starving herself. Maybe she wasn't starving herself the way Mercedes had been this week, but she wasn't really eating. She was skipping meals again. All the stress was finally getting to her. Between practicing for Regionals, cheer, and Rachel's drama, she didn't even have time to eat. Let alone think about the fact that she was spinning back down a very dark hole. So she lied.
"No."
Quinn simply stared at her. She was sure that her fibbing wasn't exactly believable and the whole club knew about her struggles with her eating disorder. Surely, Quinn had seen through her deceit, but still, the blonde didn't push it, instead leaning against the table and waiting for Mercedes to come to.
When Mercedes slowly awoke from her emptiness, Kayla wanted to just pull her into a hug and never let her go, so she did. She wrapped her arms around Mercedes' body and snuggled into her hug.
"Never scare me like that again." Kayla sighed contently as she rubbed her hand up and down Mercedes' back.
Quinn offered the girl a candy bar and she slowly accepted it, wondering why she was there at all. She had a point. This was really the first time Quinn had even tried to converse with them since her pregnancy got revealed and she was well into her seventh month by now. But something about this interaction with Quinn was different. She was softer, more gentle. Maybe because she finally knew what it was like to be an outsider. She'd lost pretty much everything when Puck knocked her up—her popularity, Cheerios status, her parents, her home, and Finn. Now she was living with Puck and neither party seemed to be too interested in the prospect. Kayla was sure Quinn was just waiting for this baby to come, so she could move on with her life and start over.
Kayla looked at Mercedes carefully. She recognized that broken look in her eyes. It was the same look she had a year ago and she still struggled with it. She needed to help Mercedes. She knew that she needed to come to terms with her problems first, but she was one of those people that always chose to help others before they ever thought of themselves. It was detrimental to her health, but at the moment, she really only cared about helping Mercedes.
When Quinn left the room, making a joke about how much the baby had messed up her bladder, Kayla moved closer to Mercedes and attempted to have an honest conversation with her.
"You're beautiful, Mercedes. I know you may not always see it, but I do. I'd kill to have your smile and your laugh. To have your confidence and fierceness. But worrying about everyone's opinions of how you look, that's what ruined me and I don't want that to ruin you too." Kayla could feel tears welling in her eyes.
Mercedes looked away from her gaze and sighed, mumbling, "I just don't like how I look."
"Pretty much every person in this world feels like that. Everyone gets insecure. But some people, like you and I, we hold onto it a little more than others and that's okay. As long as we don't let our feelings dictate our lives. Don't do this to yourself, Cedes."
Mercedes still wouldn't look at Kayla, instead focusing on the candy bar in her hands. "I just don't get it. You're skinny, Kayla. How could you be insecure? You have the perfect body."
Kayla sighed deeply, standing up and pulling up the shirt of her uniform and showed off her ribs. "I'm skinny because I starved myself this way. And I'm getting better, but I don't know if I'll get back to where I used to be. I never want you to look like me. This isn't healthy, Mercedes. You are beautiful. Never let anyone convince you that you need to look like this."
Finally Mercedes looked at her and she could see the tearing forming, so Kayla pulled her into a hug. She let Mercedes sob into her uniform. She pressed a kiss to the top of her head and tried not to cry with her. She didn't want her to feel her crying.
As Mercedes slowly let go and wiped the tears falling from her eyes, sniffling softly, she asked a question. "C—can I have a favor?"
"Of course."
Mercedes smiled sadly. "I want this pep rally to be about acceptance and I want to sing a ballad. I need you to get the rest of the Cheerios on board."
Immediately Kayla broke out into a teary-eyed grin. This was what this school needed. A lesson in what insecurity does to people.
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"How many of you feel fat or like you don't belong? You have too many pimples and not enough friends? I have felt all those things at one time or another. Hell, I've felt all those things today and that just ain't right." Mercedes stated into the microphone. All the Cheerios stood behind her, turned around. Kayla stood next to Kurt and exchanged a look with him and smiled. She felt so proud.
Mercedes announced that she wanted the student body to come up and sing with them if they believed in the message they were trying to get across and began singing the opening notes to Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful." Kayla noticed the cracks in her tone, so she turned around and walked up to the microphone and grabbed her hand.
"Together." she mouthed and Mercedes nodded. Kayla sang softly along with her until Quinn came up to sing with them and gradually the whole glee club were standing with them side by side.
Kayla exchanged a look with Rachel for a second and she gave her a smile. As much as it hurt her, Rachel was better off with Jesse. Everyone knew that. She was pulled out of her trance as Puck wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her from behind.
As the song ended, pretty much everyone had joined the group huddle. She felt Rachel's hand on her back and she almost shivered, but she had to remind herself that separating was for the best. Wasn't it?
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[A/N: wow, this chapter was really heavy, but the next chapter is going to be pretty fun, so look forward to that. i do not have an eating disorder, so if i am portraying it wrong, please please please let me know. also, that topic isn't going to be so big throughout the rest of the story but more like little mentions later on. thank you again for all the support. we're halfway to 3k!]
*edited 1/3/23
~ Emilee