Tuesday was much more reasonable, as Lex and I barely saw each other all day. Our only encounters so far had been early in the day, in the kitchen of the lunchroom, where he was pouring himself a black coffee while I was making cups of tea for Mason and me.
We had managed a very mundane conversation about the weather, which had suddenly become rainy and cold. When we wanted, we could be inconspicuous and professional. Or so I thought until he commended my choice of clothing – a simple pair of jeans with a nice and comfy hoodie. A rainy day must.
Just that was enough to make me somewhat hot and flustered, remembering the maddening sensations of his hand up my skirt.
Us being on good terms again, and knowing the truth about his feelings, was making everything different. Even my solo actions with Jason felt entirely different. I came harder, faster, and I didn't feel guilty or filthy afterward. I still felt lonely when I was coming down from my orgasms, panting and sweaty, but I wasn't hating myself for it anymore. It was only a matter of time until Lex and I resumed that aspect of our relationship, and me coming to the thought of him wasn't as problematic.
It was as if a veil of doubts had lifted, making me more confident about everything. Even at work, I was more efficient, nailing tasks after tasks. My depressive state was far gone, and it was amazing to be back to my old, confident self.
In the middle of the afternoon, Lex sent me a text to tell me he had handled our HR issue, but explained I still needed to go up there to retrieve my departure notice officially.
I had answered Hugh's email the night before, using the exact same excuse. In a short but efficient email, I'd pretended that my original message had been a maneuver to make Kelex raise my salary. I explained they had decided to take my bluff seriously and had agreed to my demands. Doing my best to sound professional, I'd thanked Hugh for his offer, but made it clear it would never happen.
If this part had actually felt good, I knew settling it with HR wouldn't.
As expected, the moment was stiff and embarrassing. I knew I shouldn't be obsessing so much over the matter, but all I could hear was my abuela, reprimanding me for being ungrateful and acting like a spoiled child toward a company that had been so kind to me. Even Karen had pointed out it was my right to know my worth and try to get paid what I thought I deserved.
When I came out of the HR office, officially not leaving any longer, I hesitated for an instant, wondering if I should go back downstairs or drop by Lex's office, three doors down the hall. I wanted to tell him in person it was done. This was a big step, the proof we would try, the proof I wasn't going away.
Between this and the email I'd sent Hugh, there was no going back. I was doing this. We were.
Before I could dwell on the question, my feet carried me to Lex's door, some part of me wanting to see him, anyway. I knocked and entered when he commanded me to.
Being around him was still somehow delicate and uneasy. All the hurt I'd been through was still fresh, engraved in my memory. I wanted to get over it, I really did, but I knew we would need more time to get over the tension that lingered between us. Our eyes met, and he rolled slightly to the side so he could see me better.
Putting my worries away, trying my best to look natural, I waved the papers I held in my hands, a smile plastered on my face. "It's done. I'm officially not leaving," I told him, hating how tense I sounded.
It was strange to think I was overall fine with having his hand up my skirt, but an interaction as simple as this one felt complicated and awkward. There were no manuals for this kind of situation, no rules on how to get over what we had been through, and I couldn't help but wonder how we would manage to get past it in the end. Nor could I guess how long it would take us.
Lex smiled, seeming about as uncomfortable as I was, and I couldn't help but be reassured by the fact that it was weird for him too. We would go past this strange phase and get back to our natural easiness, eventually.
"Thank you for handling it with Karen," I told him as I came closer. "It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I'm not certain how you explained it to her, but she seems comprehensive and wasn't blaming me for any sneaky maneuvers."
"As I explained to you already, we have a few employees who do this every year. And to be perfectly honest, regardless of how things are going between us, we probably would have given you a raise if you'd actually gone for it. You are a great asset to the team and us reevaluating your salary to keep you around is very plausible."
"Thank you... I guess..." I let out, not sure if this was making me feel better or not. I didn't want the conversation to die already, so I glimpsed at his screens, wondering what he was up to. "What were you doing?"
"I'm sorting a few things out before the trip."
"Oh, right..."
Apparently, the partnership Kelex had been negotiating with a Korean tech giant had come through, and Kevin and Lex were both invited to visit them in Seoul, for a tour of the HQ and one of their factories, as some sort of courtesy visit. I wasn't certain when they would be leaving, but it was within the next two weeks, if I remembered correctly. It was a big deal, and we had some work to do before they left, to make sure they had enough content to show them.
"When are you guys leaving?" I asked, curious. It would be the first time both bosses would be away from the company, and everyone was a little stressed about it. The bosses in particular.
"In exactly a week. I haven't taken a day off in three years. It feels strange to be leaving for almost an entire week."
"You'll still be working, though."
"It's not the same. I'm worried about leaving everything here. What if things go south?"
"You know... we're not totally incompetent," I pointed out, pretending to be offended. "We can be left alone and not set the place on fire."
"You're right. I'm just not... used to being away."
"Don't worry, we'll make sure your precious company doesn't sink without its captains," I reassured him.
He nodded, pensive, and an uncomfortable silence settled between us. I tried to think of something else to say, but nothing came to mind. Why did it have to be so hard? Why couldn't things just go back to the way they were before all of this happened? This wasn't it. I wanted the easy and witty conversations we used to have. I wanted the nerdy banters we so easily had before. The ones we could pull off in texts, but apparently not in real life.
Would we ever get back to it? What if it was too late? What if all the pain in the hurt that had happened had ruined everything we had? More than anything, I wanted this to work, but what if, despite everything I wanted to believe, we weren't meant to be? Maybe this wasn't in our cards. Maybe this wasn't our destiny. Maybe we just weren't meant to be together.
"Do you think we can do this?" I impulsively asked.
It was completely random and out of the blue. His expression became darker and more pensive, leading me to understand he knew exactly what I was talking about. I could see he had his doubts, too. I could see he wasn't as confident as I hoped he would be. He was just as lost and confused as I was, not knowing where this would lead us.
Eventually, he looked back up to meet my worried gaze, his brow slightly frowned, unsure of what to say.
"I don't know," he told me with honesty. "I have never wanted to make anything work with anyone. You're the first woman I have ever considered doing any of this with. This is all new to me, and I'm not sure how it'll turn out." He took a break, staring at his desk sourly. "At the risk of repeating myself, I wasn't built for relationships. All I can think of is that you will eventually regret it and all we will have left of this is disappointment and lost months, if not years."
In a strange way, his lack of confidence gave me the courage I needed. If he wouldn't be strong and fearless, I would. And I knew perfectly well that when I would be the one with doubts and insecurities, he would be the one strong and stable for the both of us.
Dismissing my worries for the sake of our relationship, I went to him, walked around his desk, and leaned onto it, half sitting on the sharp edge of the glassed surface. I boldly send a hand toward him, gliding my fingers through his messy hair in a vain attempt to put it right. Touching him felt familiar, unlike the rest of this. It was as if muscle memory was kicking in, and the gesture came easily, spontaneously.
"I don't know what life has in store for us either," I explained, my voice not as confident as I wanted it to be. "But I know this is what I want and I know I will try my hardest to make it work." I paused, the intensity of his gaze on mine disturbing me for a few seconds. "Is it what you want, Lex? Do you want to make it work?"
I hadn't been expecting an instantaneous answer, but he took a few seconds longer than I expected to process it. I knew this was hard, and scary, and new for him, so I decided not to hold it against him. I hoped that with time, his mind would be clearer, and he wouldn't hesitate about our future. A future I very much wanted to have with him.
When he reached his conclusion, he stood up from his chair and moved to stand in front of me, his eyes determined and certain. "I want this. I want it with you. I want to try, and I will do everything I can for that," he declared, his tone serious and clear.
My heart tightened in my chest, the moment more emotional than I thought. I looked up at him, looking so tall and handsome right before me, and a wave of joy coursed through my body, almost making me shiver. We were on the same page. We would both try.
I nodded, and Lex reached up to push a strand of hair behind my ear, making my heart beat just a smidge faster. "I'll tell you everything you need to know, little by little, and if by then you still want me, I won't resist."
"You already can't resist," I joked, hiding the tumultuous thoughts that were raging within me. "And I've already told you, nothing you could say will make me run away."
He let out a humorless chuckle and shook his head. "Wait until you know it all and then tell me again."
Once more, his lack of self-worth and his insecurities hit me hard. Unless he was a certified sex offender or had killed someone, I could hardly imagine anything that could chase me away from him. I wanted him to understand it, to see it. I didn't care about whatever he thought was wrong about him. I loved him because of it.
"Maybe you should lay it all on me now, so I can tell you I'm fine with it right away?" I proposed, hiding how much I wanted him to do it with a veil of humor.
He scanned me for a moment, his eyes squinted, his jaw tensed. "I'll go slow on you. I don't want to scare you away if I can help it."
"You can't scare me away," I countered, biting my lower lip to prevent myself from saying more.
His gaze on me suddenly turned into liquid fire, his gray irises trying to read past my brown ones, to see into my soul. The tension built back up, but this time it wasn't because of our clumsiness around each other, but because of the desire that pulled us to one another. We resisted it for a few seconds, satisfying ourselves with the closeness of our bodies, but Lex eventually gave up and bent to take my lips.
A reflex coming from God knows where made me recoil. I flinched away from him, instinctively looking at the door, mortified that someone might come in and find us kissing. Shit, I had slight PTSD from the last time, when Oli had caught us.
I only then realized what I'd done, and turned back to Lex, confounded. Fuck, I didn't want him to feel rejected or to think I didn't want this. He was somehow taken aback, but his eyes flew to the door like mine just had, and he seemed to understand my chain of thoughts. He moved away from me, setting a proper distance between us. The stony expression on his face made my heart twinge, and I worried I had offended him.
"Lex, I'm sorry. I—"
"It's fine. I'm the one who should apologize. And we should definitely stop doing anything remotely intimate here," he pointed out, suddenly looking professional and distant. "Actually, we should extend that to the entire office, especially during work hours."
Right. Shenanigans like yesterday should also be avoided at all costs. For the sake of my reputation, and for the sake of his company. I nodded, flustered and embarrassed, and pushed myself away from his desk. I took back the papers I'd settled next to me and made my way toward the exit, ready to get back to work.
"Do you have anything planned for lunch tomorrow?" he asked behind me.
I slowly spun around, a little confused. Didn't we just agree on keeping things professional? "No, nothing in particular. Why?"
"We usually invite new employees out for lunch, at some point, either Kev or me. As a welcome gesture. It occurred to me I never invited you. I thought it would be a good occasion to finally do it."
"Better late than never, right?" I joked, my tone a little off. Dammit, things are weird again. He was kind enough to smile, though, and I silently thanked him for it.
"I think it could be a good opportunity to start those conversations we need to have. Before I leave for Seoul."
The fact that he was willing to do this of his own volition, without me having to beg him into agreeing to it, was huge, and it made me feel incredibly good about it.
"That would be great," I agreed. "The sooner I know everything about you, the sooner you'll trust me when I tell you I'm not going anywhere."
He let out one of his silent chuckles again, and my heart melted. "We'll see about that, Walker."
"We sure will, Coleman. See you around," I greeted him, reaching for the door handle.
• • •
Once at home, I went through my closet, looking for whatever I would wear the next day. I had been obsessing all afternoon about this lunch we would have.
It wasn't a date, not at all, but it was still a one-on-one with Lex. I couldn't look like I was trying too hard, but I also didn't want to look like my usual relaxed self. I needed to find the perfect balance between professional and personal, and it was turning out to be much harder than I thought.
I had pulled out pretty much every item I owned that could work, but hadn't found the perfect combination yet. I was close to giving up and going with my usual clothes when my phone rang from somewhere. The sound was muffled, and I struggled to dig it out of a pile of discarded dresses sitting on my bed. Kate's picture was plastered on the screen, and I grimaced, not wanting to take the call.
I'd been avoiding talking to her, especially directly, because I was worried about what she would say if she found out about the new development in my relationship with Lex. I knew I would have to tell her, eventually, but I was hoping more water would have passed under that bridge by then.
Still, me screening her call was a serious bitch move, so I picked it up, wondering why she would call instead of text.
"Hey, blondie," I saluted her.
"Hi, brownie."
"How has it been?"
"Good. Work's been great. I'm up for a promotion, actually."
"Oh, that's great!" I cheered, deciding not to tell her about my very recent promotion, gained by lies and deceptions.
"How about you?"
"I'm good too. Nothing to declare on my end." Fuck, I was terrible at this. She would read through me as if I were a children's book.
"Oh, that's funny, because Tammy has a theory she just shared with me."
I frowned, looking at my door, wondering what on earth could my roommate have told her. She didn't know anything. Or at least, I thought she didn't. Could she know something?
"Don't you want to hear it?" Kate insisted, her voice sounding slightly irked. Shit, she definitely knew something.
"Umm... Yes, sure. Tell me what Tammy told you." My heart was in my throat, anxious and concerned.
"Okay, it's actually hilarious because I'm sure she can't be right. I mean... You would have told me already if it was true. So... basically, she said you've been looking much more cheerful, which in itself is a great thing. You're finally moving on. But then, it apparently happened all of a sudden, which is weird. Also, Tamika told me you spend a lot of time giggling at your phone, which hasn't happened since you broke up with Lex."
I waited for the rest, already knowing the cat was out of the bag. Fuck, I should have been more discreet with all this. Kate seemed pissed, but I couldn't tell if it was because of the secrecy or because of what all this meant.
"So, Tammy's theory is that you are back together with him, but didn't tell any of us about it," Kate concluded after building up the suspense for a few unbearable seconds.
I didn't answer right away, debating whether or not I still had a chance to make something work. Well, I couldn't get out of this one without lying, and although I was okay with not admitting the truth, straight-up lying about it didn't feel right.
Defeated, I sighed, bracing myself for whatever would come at me. "Okay, I just want to make clear that I was going to te—"
"Oh my God, I can't believe it," Kate shouted, clearly exasperated. "You got back with him and you didn't even think of telling me?"
"I know, I'm sorry. I really wanted to call you, to tell you everything. But I knew you'd be pissed at me, and you'd try to make me change my mind, and I really don't want to change my mind, Kay."
"Of course I would have tried, you moron! The man fucking broke you. I would have at least made sure you knew what you were getting back into," she protested. "I'm your best friend. I'll do everything I can to protect you."
"And I love you for it. I really do. But I need him, Kate. I really fucking do. It's much more complicated than I thought, and I know he hurt me, but it wasn't like that." I was so scared she wouldn't get it that my voice was trembling, my tone imploring. She had to understand. I wanted her to get my point, and not hate me for going back, for being weak. She had been so supportive, this was feeling like betraying her.
"Deedee, calm down. I'm not a total bitch. You can talk to me. Sure, I don't want this jerk to hurt you again, but I know you're a smart, strong, and fierce woman. I know you wouldn't do this if you didn't have some goddamn excellent reasons."
"I do. I really do. I was just worried you wouldn't want to hear any of it. You had so many things to say about him when we broke up, I thought you loathed him way too much to hear me out."
"Of course, I loathed him. I'm on your side, always. But I knew how great he was for you, and how happy he made you. I mean, for fuck's sake, I pushed you in his arms."
There was a moment of silence, but I could tell she wasn't done yet, so I waited, wanting to hear the rest of it.
"I'm definitely not the best judge when it comes to attractive men. I can't even count how many times you've picked up the pieces of me after one of my asshole exes broke my heart. You've been here for me so much, babe. And I know how frustrating it must have been for you to do this over and over again. I can't possibly blame you for relapsing this one time when I have done so dozens of times. If that's what you want, I'll support you one hundred percent, Andy. I'll take back all the nasty shit I said about him, and I'll bear it for you. But you better be sure that if he does it again, I will fucking wreck him."
I couldn't help but giggle, thinking of my slender and girly best friend trying to face Lex to avenge me. She was just as fierce and strong as I was. She just didn't know it.
"Do you mean all this?" I asked, my voice almost child-like.
"I do, I really do. I'll whoop his ass Maria Carmen's style if I have to."
The image made me giggle again as I imagined Kate furiously wielding a chancla. "No one whoops ass like my abuela."
"No, no one does, because she's the fucking bomb. Now, you sneaky little biatch, you need to tell me everything that went on. Because last time I spoke with you, things were definitely over between you two, and now it's not. Spill the tea."
I let myself fall back on my bed, over the pile of clothes gathered there, and told her everything. I told her about the brunch with Michelle and Lucy. Then I told her about my confrontation with Lex, about his insecurities and mine. I emptied it all, knowing she had always been my best advisor.
By the time I was done, she hated Lex a little less, but she was still adamant he was on parole. One mistake and he was out. I was incredibly touched by her protectiveness. I knew she was trying to pay me back for all those times I'd done the same for her, even though it wasn't necessary. She also knew I wasn't as experienced as she was, which only made her more involved in the safety of my heart.
We spoke for hours like we hadn't in so long. At some point, we even video called, and she helped me pick up my outfit for my lunch with him. We talked until none of us could stay awake, and hung up after she made me swear I'd tell her how my professional lunch date had been.
As I fell asleep, I noticed how much lighter I was feeling after all this. Telling Kate the truth, sharing all of this with someone, was making it less hard to bear. The heavy secret wasn't as heavy anymore. Also, knowing I had her approval and she had my back meant a lot.
I most certainly was still smiling when Morpheus dragged me into a peaceful and heavy sleep.