"Brad I really don't know about this..."
I sit next to him in bed, putting down the pamphlet I've looked over what feels like a million times now. Everything seems so crazy, so unrealistic and there's more pressure than I ever would have expected.
"If you aren't ready then we need to take a step back. Talk it over again, maybe look into other options."
"But you're ready, aren't you? I don't want to be the one holding you back. I've already held you back without even knowing. I can't keep doing that."
He takes the pamphlet, laying it on his table before pulling me in closer. I feel his strong arms wrap tightly around my body as I rest my head on his shoulder where I've always felt a strange sense of security and comfort. His body is all I need to calm me. Especially in times like these when we have one of the most difficult decisions we'll make as a couple and parents.
"You would never be holding me back, Jen. Yes, I want to move forward and grow our family. I'd love that more than anything. But as far as I'm concerned, you and Sienna are my family and I want the two of you happy and healthy before anything else. I've seen the mental and physical tolls all of this has put you through, and I mean this in the nicest way, but I want 'my' Jen back. I want the person who could joke around more and live more carefree... I can see it daily how you aren't comfortable with yourself anymore and if that means stopping everything now, then that's what I want to do. I would never ask you to go through all these treatments unless I knew we were both 100% dedicated and ready."
"I just... I want another baby. I want a baby more than anything but it feels like my body has failed us. I'm supposed to be able to have many babies without trouble and for some reason I can't even manage a second. Sienna deserves a sibling... we deserve a second child. I wish I could do this as easily as it was to have her. I would do anything to just have sex and get pregnant accidentally like we did with her, but all these treatments? I'm just not sure. I wish I could jump in right away and go for it, but it doesn't feel like me."
"Then we wait. I'm not going to let you jeopardize your mental health for this. Yes, a new baby is a want, but it is not a need. We need you to be in your right mind, not pregnant and unable to get comfortable. Whatever you decide, I fully support you. Whether that means giving you daily injections or moving on from the idea."
"But this isn't just about me, Brad. If I know this will get us the baby that we want so badly I'm willing to do it. I'm willing to go through all of this if gets us and Sienna the baby we so desperately want. I'll need help and support but I'll do it in a heartbeat if it's what we really want."
"We have a few options... we don't have to jump into the most serious right away, and we also don't need to give up if that isn't what we want either. This is your body, I want you to be comfortable with whatever decision is made. It hasn't been too long yet, maybe we just need to try something different."
"Different? Brad our only options are sex and treatments? You think you can just shoot it in me with a water gun or something?"
"I was thinking something like that. We could have some fun with it... spice things up a bit."
"Seriously... Brad!"
"Look, do I want another baby? Yes. Of course I do, but am I more than happy with our family? Also yes. I love you and Sienna so much. We might not always know what's best for us, but I know we can handle this if we both feel ready."
I think back on everything, the miscarriage that started this painful journey we've been on the past few months. The news of our friends starting their families right after we faced another negative test... Sienna's more frequent questions when she sees babies around us and having to hold in my emotions as I carefully answer her. I know Brad's right, as tough as this has been and will be, we can handle the pain. We've reached a point in our relationship where we're content, but also want to move forward with the possibility of expanding our family. We've just never thought it would come to this.
"You promise me even if the treatments make me crazy that you'll still love me? You'll take her on my worst days so she doesn't see it and support me through the lows? I don't have it in me to do this alone... not after everything that's already happened."
"I've supported you through a pregnancy where you pretty much cried for nine months straight... I think I'm prepared for this. I don't care how you get, you and our family are worth everything."
"So we'll do it?"
"Little Brad is more than ready to help."
"Little Brad has been ready this whole conversation. I'm not blind."
"He's just showing his support."
"You're ridiculous... seriously though, there's so many treatment options."
"I know. And that ivf thing sounds scary. I don't like the idea of them probing around inside you for fun. That's the only fun I get."
He looks over the pamphlets again, taking the time to show me the pictures of the procedure.
"Look at that! It's all the way in there."
"Do you remember my first ultrasound of Sienna? When they did the internal and we got to see her? Yeah? Same idea, Brad. They have to see what's going on in there."
"So creepy."
"Soooo IVF is out? I mean at least for now... I don't think we should go with the most invasive option first if we don't have to."
"What about the injections they told us about after the miscarriage? I know they said those aren't supposed to be as hard on your body."
We shift through all the pamphlets laying around us until we find the one he's thinking of, giving me some time to think about this option as he reads over it.
The idea of any options is so overwhelming to me. There's none that I'm fully committed to without knowing how they'll impact my life especially knowing my family will be dealing with it as well. I don't want to be moody and hard on my family, I don't want my child to be scared of my hormones, or to cause more issues in our marriage.
"Babe? We'll get through this. Whatever you're scared of. Whatever we feel we can't do, we can."
"Let's start with the injections. I don't want anything crazy. I want to still have control of my body, but I need to try."
"Alright we'll call the doctor tomorrow."
Hey everyone I am so, so sorry this has taken so long! I've had it half finished for almost a year (with so many other parts as well) and just haven't had the chance to really make it good until now. I'm going to try my best to update more often from now on but really can't make any promises. Thank you so much for continuing to read 💜