Beaming Love

Let's talk

"Hey..."

Brad walked out on the deck, wrapping his arms around his wife. She was sobbing, her fragile body shaking, all her emotional pain translated into a physical one.

Tearing up himself at the thought of his wife going through so much hurt, they had given all this past few months, all the doctor visits, the endless medication and shots, every hopeful ultrasound, all the physical pain she had to go through....all to be faced with pure disappointment...again.

He sat next to her in silence, letting her express everything she's been keeping inside all along. As much as this had been more grueling on Jen, it hadn't been any easier on him to watch his wife go through so much pain, seeing her disappearing into this whole process of growing their family.

"It hurts- it hurts so bad Brad" She braces herself to open her eyes and look at him, her pain too deep to even begin to explain it "I- thought it would get better with time...I really did. But it's like every day I wake up, I look at myself and all I feel is pain. I can't sleep, I can't barely eat, the onlything that keeps me sane is out daughter, and even that sometimes doesn't help. I can see I'm not myself around her like I used to. But the pain is so great, I can't take it away"

"You know you're allowed to feel this way baby...you don't have to feel guilty for feeling the way you do right now. It's something I cannot quite understand completely I know, because I'm not the one going through it physically...but it hurts me seeing you like this."

With one swift of her hand she wiped the tears streaming down her face, staring at Sienna who was peacefully asleep in their bed. "I mean- Look at her... she's the proof that I can do this right? I did this, I carried her nine months, pushed her out of me with no trouble...she's the proof I can get pregnant, I created the most beautiful human being ever. So I don't get it...I don't understand why my body is rejecting my babies like that...I want another baby...i want another baby so bad Brad."

She sobbed once again, falling apart as he took her in his arms, doing everything to comfort her and cover with love, while trying himself to deal with his pain.

"I know you do...I know that baby, and I want it so bad too. And of course Sienna is the proof that you can do this, and I know you will do this again. I just think maybe you're dealing with too much emotionally. You've taken on so much lately, and it's all very overwhelming"

"I would've never- ever thought I'd have so much trouble to get pregnant again. Not in a million years...when I watched that ultrasound, seeing my uterus empty, no heartbeat? For the second time? It felt like I was being stabbed...I'm so- sorry for not being able to give you the big family you've always wanted, I know you-"

"Hey hey hey" He cupped both her cheeks, lifting her chin to get her focus on him, staring into her wet blue eyes "Jen you're all I need. You and Sienna are all I need. I'll never be mad or sad or disappointed because we can't get another baby. I mean yes another one would be amazing, and it hurt to go through these two losses. I can't even tell you how much I cried in the shower trying to understand everything and figure out how to help...but if it doesn't happen I'll never feel less complete cause you and Sienna complete me already."

He slowly leaned down, kissing her tenderly, once and then twice before kissing her forehead as he fought his own tears. "I wish I could take even a little bit of your pain away, I would do anything to make you feel better, but we have each other and Sienna for now, and that's okay. It's hard, but it's okay."

"I just wish I knew why it's not working..."

She wraps his strong arms around her as she leans into his chest, staring out into the open.

"I heard about secondary infertility before and it's never made sense, but now, now that we're living it, I'm lost. I try to look at the bright side, stay positive, but all this disappointment just takes over. And I'm constantly worried, worried about our relationship through all of this, worried about what could happen if and when I do get pregnant, and it's just all so scary. Every second of every day I'm on edge. I try to push it aside and think about how happy we are and everything we have, but how am I supposed to do that if I can't have the one thing I want more than anything in the world right now? And then it reminds me that I'm not begging for Sienna's happiness, or yours, and I feel like the world's worst mo-"

"Stop. I don't even want to hear that, Jen.  You get to hurt and ache, but you don't get to feel like a bad mother or wife. Do you have any idea how lost Sienna and I would be without you? You're allowed to be your own person and want happiness for yourself. Your wold doesn't have to fully revolve around us. The last thing I want is for you to lose yourself in this process."

"It's just hard... harder than I ever imagined."

She wipes away the new tears that have formed, Brad trying to hold his in to be strong, but ultimately giving into the pain he's gone through the past few days and weeks, weeping silently with her as their cries take over any words they could want to say.

"I... I love you, Brad, and I want this so bad for us, but I don't think I can do these treatments again. Another round just sounds so exhausting and mentally I just can't do it."

"I know, babe, I know. You've gone through more than enough for us. I love you too."

I promise after this part the story will be back to light hearted and funny parts... I just didn't want the miscarriage to feel rushed. Thank you so much, Maissi02 for all your help! And if anyone has ideas for future parts, please let me know 🙂