"No, I'm not."
She sits down on the chair across me. Up close, I notice the freckles on her face and the piercing on her nose. Some strands of her black hair are dyed forest green, something that greatly suits her style and aura. "Hmm, sad book?"
I nod. For some reason, I can't meet her eyes. After I close the book and twine my finger around the handle of the mug, she holds out her hand.
"My name is Autumn," she says with a toothy smile. "What's yours?"
I let go of the mug and shake her hand. "It's Cedar." I give her a smile, and look down again. Wait, was my palm sweaty? Considering how nervous I am right now, it wouldn't be surprising.
Oh no, I will never shake hands with people again.
"Cute name." She smiles awkwardly.
"Thanks." I smile awkwardly.
She must have approached me with great expectations, and now she must be disappointed getting a glimpse of my unsociable self, but doesn't want to look rude. So she creates a conversation.
"So . . . what did Cedar think of my singing?" She asks. She has her own way of talking. She tilts her head and moves her body slightly to and fro, as if shyly asking for a candy, and talks in a baby voice which is completely different than her matured singing voice. I would probably be annoyed if it was just her trying too hard to be cute, but it just seems like her personality.
"It's beautiful. Your voice is beautiful."
"Really? I'm so happy!" She cheerfully claps . "The song's not mine, though."
"I know. Ruby McKinnon." She was one of Dawn's long time crush.
"Oh! You know her. That's great. Well, everyone says my voice is nice and all, but apparently it isn't nice enough for SYV."
"SYV?"
"Searching Your Voice?"
"Hmm? What's that?"
"Nothing special, just the biggest music show in this country." It takes me a while to get that she is being sarcastic. Seeing my surprised look, she squints her eyes and asks, "Are you from Mars?"
I take another sip from my coffee. "Deimos, to be specific."
She bursts out laughing. That wasn't even funny. But she says, "You're funny."
"Uh, thanks." Why can't I think of better stuffs to say?
"Well." She puts her elbow on the table and puts her cheek on her palm. "How old are you, Cedar?"
"17."
"Owh. You're younger than me. I'm 20." She sulks a little.
I take another sip. I'm almost finished. "Is that a problem?" I carefully ask.
She purses her lips in and glances away, her cheeks reddening. I feel my heart do excited somersaults inside my chest. "Nopes, not at all."
This would have been much easier if July was here to guide me. He seems like the type to casually flirt without missing a beat.
"Well, I. . . play here every Monday and Thursday around the same time. Will you come watch me some other day too?"
I nod. "Sure. After my exams end, I can." I wonder if she is asking just out of politeness.
"Great!" She claps in joy. Then she points at the book with her eyes and holds out her hand again. "Can I take a look at it?"
I look down at the book in my lap. I take it in my hand, but something holds me back from giving it to her. I bite my lips, unable to refuse her, and unable to give it to her.
"What's wrong?"
"This . . . uh, this book belongs to my friend so. . ."
"Oh, I'm not gonna eat it up. Just gonna check the summary."
"I can- I can read it to you." I hold the book tighter. I can't meet her eyes anymore. She must be thinking I'm weird. Or that I am hiding something bad inside the book.
She drops her hand. "Is everything alright, Cedar? You don't look too well, all of a sudden."
"I think I should go home," I say in a quiet voice. I finish the remaining coffee and hastily stand up. She stands up as well.
"Cedar, listen-"
"I have an exam tomorrow. I really need to go home. It was nice meeting you, Autumn."
I head to leave, then remember I have to pay. When I fidget for money in my pocket, she says, "It's on me."
"Huh? You don't have to. . ."
"It's fine. Consider it a small gift."
"Thank you."
When I again head to leave, wanting to increase the distance between us as much as possible, she again calls me. I turn.
"M-mind giving me your phone number?" She hesitantly asks, holding out her phone. I glance at it.
"Sure."
----------------
Somehow, I find myself going to the graveyard.
The drizzle became slower a few minutes back when I was coming out of the cafe, but now it's become loud and strong again. Coming to a graveyard at night is undoubtedly a suicide mission, especially since there are no lights and it is very dark and quiet. But I still came, feeling restless to meet Dawn.
I have came here so many times that I have the road to the solitary apple tree memorized in my heart. While I make my way there, I surprisingly discover another person heading my way.
She had no umbrella, so her long hair which is hanging loose is sticking to her face. I couldn't clearly tell what she was wearing, but it seemed like it was a simple shirt and pants. Thank goodness she isn't wearing a white dress.
When she is about to pass me by, I ask her, "Do you need an umbrella? You will catch a cold."
She stops, and pulls a strand of wet hair behind her ear. I still can't see her face well. "No," she says, her rather thick voice barely audible in the rain, "but thank you." She nods once and starts walking again. I look at her back for as long as it is visible in the darkness, which wasn't very long.
I reach my Dawn. I squat down in front of him, hugging the book with one hand and holding the umbrella with the other.
"You know, Dawn," I say, "I just learned that you can hear everything I say. I don't remember well what I said all this time, but I hope I didn't say anything that hurt you."
Thunder booms up ahead. The apple tree protects my umbrella from the raindrops. "Dawn, I don't think I will ever forget you. It is just not possible. But I can't tell for sure. As you read in the book, Toru almost forgot Naoko too less than twenty years later. That is terrifying to think. But I promise that you'll never leave my mind till my last breath."
I hope he heard it. Then I say, "My exams start tomorrow. Wish me luck, will you? I have a feeling I won't do well this time. Things are bad at home, and July is gone. If you can, please scold him and make him fall into a drain."
I smile at the thought. "Did you see what happened back at the cafe? I always knew I am bad with girls. I just didn't imagine I was that bad. I hope she doesn't think that I hide cocaine packets inside the book. Hmm, well, I think I might be a little interested in her. What do you think of her? I don't know, show me a sign."
I wait. The sky momentarily brightens up to a crimson color, and a few seconds later, I hear the thunder beating a drum. That couldn't have been a sign of course. Dawn is not Zeus. I sheepishly smile and say, "You can't, can you?"
I sigh. Just as I am about to stand up, something falls on my umbrella.
Another lighting flashes, and I make the object out to be an apple.
I look at the tree, my heart beating really fast. It is the season of apples, so there are some hanging from the tree.
My memories of several things Dawn has said is very vivid, because he always said the most ridiculous things.
Flower Face or Ruby McKinnon was one of Dawn's long time crushes. Since it was a serious crush, I would often make fun of her just to piss him off, though I myself love her music. One time, in response he said, "If you keep saying that about Ruby, I will put a curse on you so that . . . ummmm, so that an apple falls on your head and you never get married, just like Newton!"
Dawn made it sound like an apple falling on his head has something to do with him choosing not to marry. In fact, the apple never really fell on his head. It's just a story for kids. As for why Newton never married, rumors of him having male partners can explain things, though there isn't solid evidence.
But that's not the point here. The point is, in an extremely indirect way, this could mean something.
I stare at the apple in a daze and slowly pick it up.
This is all just a very big coincidence.
Or, it's just the wind.
I'm thinking too much. This can't possibly have anything to do with the fact that Autumn sang a song of Ruby McKinnon tonight. The world is a candybox of weird happenings, and I am just connecting dots that have no reason to be connected.
"You's here, son!" Someone shouts, and I almost drop the apple along with my heart beat. I turn my head behind and see an old man standing there, a red umbrella over his head.
I stand up with the apple. He tells me, in a thickly accented voice, "Me's the gravekeeper, Arnold. You didn't come yester or to-day, so me was worried if you were sick."
I can't believe I never met him before. I can't see his face quite well, but judging from his ragged voice, he might be on his sixties. "Ah, nice to meet you, Mr. Arnold. And no, I . . . uh, I think I'm starting to move on."
"Ain't that great, son!" He laughs. "We all must move on someday. Surely your mate must be 'appy!"
"Yeah. He must be." I remember the apple, so I hold it out to him. "This apple fell in the storm."
"Ah ah, you take it, hmm? Me's got a feeling that yo' mate gave it to you."
I try to laugh. "I don't think so, Mr. Arnold. Although, that would be pretty cool." I bring my hand down. "Do you take care of this apple tree?"
"This sweetheart's been here since before me was born! My old man used to take care of it, and now me does, that's wight."
I nod. The rain has almost stopped, but I don't close the umbrella. "What do you do with the fruits?"
"We take some for ourselves. The rest, we give 'em for the kids at the local orphanage."
"That's great."
"Aye, been a tradition to. The owner of the orphanage is my old man's mate. This tree's been around for so long, and yet she gives the sweetest apples ever!"
I smile. "Well, let's hope she stays around for longer, because I will lie right here, beside my mate."
-------------------
Disaster strikes the moment I step into my house.
Mom found out I wasn't home. If I came back five minutes earlier, maybe she wouldn't have. I should have ran.
"Where in the world were you?" She snaps, before I can even get my entire body inside the house.
"I went out for a walk," I simply reply, trying my best to hide the tremble in my voice. I close the umbrella and then the door.
She lets out a humorless laugh. "Oh yeah? You went out for a walk? Like it's the most - you know - normal thing ever?" Her voice turns venomous again. "Have you lost your mind? Did you forget your exams start tomorrow? And you're walking outside in the rain wasting precious time?"
"No, I d-didn't." I gulp in saliva and ball my hands into fists. Looking down at the ground, I say, "I couldn't concentrate, so I went out to get some air. I feel fresh now and I can start again."
She breathes heavily. Her eyes move to my pocket. "What's that?"
I take the apple out. Her eyes widen even more and she lets out a scoff of disbelief.
"You went to the graveyard? At this time of the night? In this rain?"
"Yes."
"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" She screams, her voice defying the sound of thunder. "You're doing all sorts of bullshit the past few days! Are you deliberately trying to get bad grades just to piss me off or something?"
I take a deep breath and look at her. She has a frantic look on her face, as if she has gone insane. "If that's what you want to think."
I try to pass her to head to the stairs, but she grabs my arms so tightly that I yelp out.
"Why are you doing this, Cedar?" I look at her, finding her bloodshot eyes widened. She is really losing it, and yet, I don't want to do anything to make her feel better. All I want is for her to shut up and leave me be. "You weren't like this during last year's finals, which was right after Dawn's. . . that."
I snort. "That? You mean Dawn's suicide? Is that a very hard word to pronounce?"
I see her eye twitch and her grip on my arm tightening. I grit my teeth through the pain. "Cedar," she tries to make her voice calm, "are you gonna be grieving forever? He isn't the only one who will die in your life. More deaths await, and if you don't stone yourself, will you become like this every single time that happens?"
More deaths await. My eyes become blurry with the flood. I jerk my hand out of her grip. Through gritted teeth, I say, "This has got nothing to do with Dawn. In fact, I think it's got more to do with this -" I move my hands gesturing the whole house. "- this family. If you can even call it one."
I turn and start walking up the stairs.
"Cedar, you're making me crazy!!" She screams again.
"No!" I turn around. "You're the one who is making me crazy, Mom."
I go to my room, slamming the door shut as loudly as my energy lets me, and slump down on my stomach on the bed. I keep the book and the apple beside me and bury my face into the bedsheet. My body shakes as the tears flow down. I can't anymore. I really can't anymore.
Why isn't July back yet? Why the hell isn't he back yet? What the fuck will I do without him here?
I roll on my back and face the ceiling, the tears still falling. I stare intensely at the ceiling fan. I put both my hands over my eyes.
"Please come back, July. I need you," I whisper to air.
I remove my hands and look around. He isn't here. I bite down hard on my lips and close my eyes again, my chest feeling heavy under the rocks of guilt, worry and frustration. I wipe my eyes and glance at the clock, watching it tick almost seven thirty without any rest. And I still have thirteen more chapters to revise, and if I don't revise them, I won't remember anything during the exam.
I need to study. I need to study. I really need to study.
But I don't have the energy to even move. All I want to do is keep laying on my bed and sink deeper into the depths of despair. I can't do this. I will fail the exams. I really can't do this on my own.
I open my mouth and silently scream, digging my fingers into my hair. Then I quickly sit up and walk over to my table. I sit down on the chair, take a breath, and open the book.
Then I see the compass lying beside me.
It's like a spell has been cast on me all of a sudden. I stare at it, transfixed. I raise a shaky and hesitant hand and pick it up. I stare at the small yet sharp needle poking out of it. Then I glance at my other hand, at my wrist, at the greenish veins spreading like branches and disappearing beneath my skin. I bring the pointer of the compass closer and closer to my wrist. Right before it meets my skin, I forcibly stop.
Then I throw the compass on the other side of the room.
I breathe heavily, shaking all over. I need to get myself together. I really need to get myself together.
I hastily take out my phone. I wipe my eyes and click on Contacts. Only six phone numbers. One belongs to a dead person. Two belong to my parents. One belongs to my brother next door. The rest . . .
I make the call.
"The fuck you calling me for, you nerd?"
I burst into another fit of uncontrollable tears. "E-Edgar," I say, my voice trembling.
"What the--?" His voice turns soft. "Hey, what's wrong? Is everything alright?"
"Edgar, I . . ." I was about to hurt myself. I almost hurt myself.
"Cedar, talk to me."
So I tell him everything.
.
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Hellow my dear lovely sweet readers!
im literally freaking out for no reason as this is the first time edgar has called cedar by his name dkfhidfgi.
Anyways, what do you think of Autumn? Do you like her? Are you not sure about her? Lemme know!
Thanks a lot for reading. Have a wonderful day!
-- love, Poma