16 July, 2020; Tuesday
"I've decided to cancel Question Of The Day."
July and I have made up. Right now, it's almost one in the morning, and I am taking a small break after studying for three hours at a stretch. I have turned off the lights, so it's only the moonlight shining in through the window, creating a rather intimate ambience in the room. To anyone else, I am the only one lying here in darkness.
"Why?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.
I turn to my side to face him. "You can tell me what you want and not tell me what you don't want. I will wait for you to explain everything. I'm not going to force you and create another big fight."
"I don't think you've ever forced me."
"I think I have put pressure on you."
He doesn't reply, which means he agrees. As usual, he stares out the window, but I am pretty sure he can't see the moon from this angle. But he probably can see the flickering streetlamp Dawn was unreasonably afraid of. In fact, I have a feeling that he is looking at it right now. The endless differences between him and Dawn are a constant alarm to me that the two of them are completely different individuals, and yet, I still get the feeling that July thinks of himself as a mere replacement in my life.
"Hmm, I will tell you everything," he says, breaking the silence. "I must. But I do think it's easier to say it if I have to answer a question. Which is why I agreed to the QOTD system." He turns his head to me. "Go on, ask something about last night."
"Last night?"
"Yeah."
"Are you sure?"
"Yep."
"Well . . ." I focus on scratching my pillow with my index finger as I ask, "What is her name?"
He lightly chuckles. "You're still holding back, aren't you? Well, can you guess her name?"
I shake my head.
"It's Moon."
"Oh. That's why you-"
"No, not exactly." He turns to the ceiling. I unconsciously become fascinated by all the beauty spots dotting his entire neck, disappearing beneath the collar of his shirt. Even his neck is beautiful.
"Oh, it's unrelated?" I ask.
"Not really, either. You see, the last time I saw her, I asked where I can find her, you know, later. She didn't reply and just left. The next day . . . she killed herself."
My eyes widen, and I let out a small gasp.
"In her note," he continues nonchalantly, "she wrote only one sentence. Can you guess what?"
"No."
"Find me in the moon."
I exhale. His relentless fascination with the night sky and the moon that dimly enlightens it with her borrowed light, finally makes a lot more sense.
"Love and loss," he says, "when the two of these combine, humans lose all their common senses. We turn reality into fragments of our imagination to escape the pain. All the questions we didn't have time to ask, we seek their answers from things most incapable of giving them. Because in the end, no matter how many times you ask the sky why Dawn left you, it won't give a reply. And no matter how many times I ask the moon if she ever forgave me, it won't give a reply either."
Forgive him. I wonder what he could have done to Moon for him to so desperately seek her forgiveness. I wonder, if it had anything to do with what happened to her after the day they last met.
"It's the harsh truth, isn't it?" I reply. After all, this whole time, everything that I've been doing : talking to Dawn's grave, mindlessly staring at the clouds, avoiding Dawn's home -- everything, was because of all the unrealistic comforts I made up in my mind.
I raise my hand and press a finger to his cheek. He amusedly frowns and asks, "What is it?"
"Just confirming you're not also another fragment of my imagination."
He grabs my hand and puts it down. "Isn't it too late to be asking that, sweetheart?"
"I told you not to call me that."
The smile disappears. He also turns on his side to face me. I slowly bring my head a little backwards, hoping he won't notice.
"Cedar, there are certain . . . things about me that might make you hate me. And I really won't be able to tolerate it if you, too . . . you know what I mean?"
I nod. His voice sounds like he is pleading me to not hate him, and I find a vivid image of myself within him.
"We all have our own flaws," I say, "That doesn't make us any less worthy of love."
He thinks about it for a while, then a small smile spreads on his face. He ruffles my hair and says, "Well, I suppose that's true."
"Edgar told me that today."
"Edgar did?"
"Yeah. We kinda had a, I don't know, bonding session today. In the bathroom. He was outside and I was inside."
July laughs. "Holy shit, that's such an amazing BL romance scenario."
"Shut up."
"Go on. Tell me everything that happened."
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My phone rings at 3 in the morning.
I was still studying with the goal of finishing ten more pages of The Picture Of Dorian Gray, which I'm having to read for school. It takes me a few moments to percieve the fact that it's past 3 am, and the phone is ringing, and the phone is mine, which means my phone is ringing at 3 am.
"Who in the world?" July asks from the bed, "Is it Edgar?"
"Why would you think that?" I reply, annoyed. I take the phone in my hand.
"I don't know, because I crazily ship you two right now? Cedgar forevah!"
I ignore him. "Unknown number. Should I pick up?"
"Yes. Could be Samara." Then he says in a creepy tone, "Seven days, bitch."
I only warily shake my head. I pick the call anyways. "Hello?"
"What do you want?" the person asks.
"Excuse me?" I dubiously reply. "You're the one who called. Who are you?"
"Ah, forgot. It's me, Dale."
"Huh?"
"It's me, Dale."
"Dale?"
"Yeah."
I turn my head and look at July. He has sat up, his face holding a confused expression.
"How did you get my number?" I ask. I can't believe I couldn't recognize his voice before. It is just so completely impossible to believe that my older brother is calling me at this God-forsaken hour.
"Mr. Lockwood," he replies. My heart sinks. Dale is addressing Dad as Mr. Lockwood? Now that I think of it, I have never really heard Dale address our parents as anything at all. I have heard him give speeches during his achievements, but unlike most people, there was no "I would like to thank my Mom and Dad".
"Oh."
"So what do you want?"
"What do you mean what do I want?"
"I have some money left."
I frown. Why does he always talk so shortly that I have to use my brain to figure everything out? I think about it for a while and then realize.
"You want to buy something for me?"
"Yeah."
"Really?" I can't quite believe it.
"Yeah."
"Shouldn't you buy something for your boyfriend instead?"
"It's Mr. Lockwood's money."
"Oh." I suppose it makes sense that he would want to buy something for his boyfriend using his own money.
"So what do you want?" he asks again.
"How much do you have?"
He tells me the amount. It's not much, so I think of a small book.
"Can you go to a bookshop?" I ask.
"Yeah."
"Then . . . buy me a copy of The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseni."
"Okay." He hangs up.
I put the phone down from my ear and just stare at it for a while.
"Was it really Dale?" July asks.
"Yeah, it was."
"Wow."
"I know."
But I feel warmth bubbling in my chest. Smiling, I save his number in my contacts.
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"I'm gonna fail all the exams," I confidently declare.
"Says every top student before the exams," Edgar replies, bored.
I had two cups of coffee last night—much to July's dismay—so my vision of the surrounding world in spite of the three hours of sleep is very lucid. However, I feel a bothersome exhaustion in all my limbs and joints, which is not helping me focus on the book in front.
"You don't get it," I tell him, "it's different this time."
"It's different every fucking time." He rolls his eyes.
"I haven't been able to study at all the past few days."
"The hell are you talking about? Whenever I look at you, you're studying!"
"Staring at a book isn't studying."
He sighs and gives up. So during the absorption process of oxygen in the cell, first osmosis of-
"Oh shit, it's Lexi!" Edgar exclaims, and sits up straight. I look to where he is, and see Alex talking to two other girls standing in the doorway of our classroom. Edgar turns to me and asks, "Okay, how do I look?"
I roll my eyes. "Are you a girl?"
He looks offended at the question. So he just shakes his head in annoyance, then raises his hand to grab Alex's attention. She sees it and heads over to us. His expression immediately turns softer, and his lips curl into a wide smile. A light pink blush spreads across his cheeks.
Being in love is really weird.
"What's up, guys?" she asks, addressing both me and Edgar. I notice her wearing a different colored hearing aids today.
"I'm doing fabulous, but on the other hand, that nerd," Edgar points at me and says, "is actually dying."
I smile at her and say, "I'm okay."
She laughs. "I can see that. Seriously though, I can't believe midterms are already here. Like, wasn't it just yesterday we were all depressed new third years trembling from the cold winter wind and crying over how there's only two years left until entrance exams?"
"Damn, now I'm emotional. Time does fucking fly."
I don't remember well how the first day of third year was. I only remember that starting a new school year without Dawn by my side felt surreal. I was terrified of the seating arrangement, since Dawn wouldn't be the one to sit with me anymore. Luckily, no one tried to sit beside me, so the space remained empty. Whether it was their lack of interest in me or just general consideration, I was grateful to sit alone.
But now, the space has already become occupied. I can't stop that from happening.
"Why'd you come here, though?" Edgar asks.
"Oh, right. There's gonna be a rally at the West Keleans street in two days, arranged by the students of Graceville University. They are planning to present some demands to the government in light of Rain Castleton's suicide, specifically about opening some suicide and abuse hotlines. So I told Lydia to announce it to the whole class. If anyone wants to participate. The more people, the louder the voice."
"Oh wow, a rally." Edgar turns to me. "Will you come, nerd?"
I rub the back of my neck. "I don't think my parents will allow it."
"That's totally fine, Cedar." Alex smiles. "No one will be forced to come!"
I turn back to my Biology book. Things like rallies and protests aren't for me. How often are they actually effective anyway? The hype around Rain Castleton will stay for a few weeks, before the pages of current affairs are finally turned, and the anger within people vaporizes.
The three of us talk a little more before she hears from her classmate that the teacher is coming to her class. So she bids us goodbye and runs off.
"Say, how close are you with Alex?" I ask him after she does.
He thinks for a while. "Well, we've known each other since the first year of middle school so it's been about . . . " He counts it on his fingers. "Six years. Wow. That long. Yeah, we're close and all but like, how should I say this- we kinda don't share things much with each other."
"But why?"
He shrugs and looks ahead as he replies, "Things were kinda awkward between us back then. Over the years we learnt to ignore it but we still never opened up to each other. I guess it's mostly my fault. And it's not like I was planning to make friends."
"Oh." I pause before asking, "Then . . . why me?"
He looks at me through the corner of his eyes. He bites his lips and looks away. He doesn't answer for a while. Suddenly, he says in an irritated tone, "Why you, what? You're not my friend either. Fuck off."
I keep staring at him for a while. What a weird person, I think. And yet, behind the facade of insults and ridiculous behaviors, there is something about him that makes me want to stay by his side.
-----------------------
When I open the door to my house after returning from school, the first thing I hear is Mom shouting.
I close the door. I see Dale sitting on the stairs, resting his chin on his palm. Confused, I walk inside.
"You shameless man!" Mom screams, and I hear something made of glass loudly shattering. I figure out the cause of this situation. It is happening in the living room, so I proceed to go there immediately, but Dale stops me.
"Not a good idea," he says.
"What if something bad happens?" I ask.
He shrugs. "They're adults. They should solve their own mess."
Eyebrows furrowed, I stand in front of the staircase, listening to the quarrel. Oh God, as if things weren't already bad in this family, now it's going to get worse. I am so very tired of all these.
"Doing such disgusting things at this age!" Mom shouts again, and I can hear her voice breaking and cracking from the strain. "You have no shame at all, do you? You have two old kids and you fuck around with another woman? I left behind my entire life, cut ties with my whole family just to come here with you, and this is how you repay me?!"
I grimace. I have never heard Mom swear before.
"I wasn't fucking around, Alison!" Dad says in a pleading voice, much lower and weaker in comparison to Mom's. "She is just a childhood friend!"
"Childhood friend, my ass. You think I don't remember? She was always chasing after you in university!"
"I know, and she is the one who contacted me. I told her I'm married to you but she still wouldn't let go–"
"Don't think I'm an idiot!" Mom shrieks even louder, and I have to close my eyes to calm myself down. "You could've easily blocked her! But you chat with her all night long. How disgusting. You make me want to vomit, Daniel Lockwood."
I feel a knot in my chest. This is extremely messed up. There's no way things can go back to normal between them now. But then, small part of me thinks that Mom actually deserves this. Mom and dad rarely talk with each other during the short time dad is home, and when they do talk, it often leads to a quarrel. And the reason behind the quarrel, most of the time, isn't him.
I put a stop on that thought. No matter how badly mom treats him, cheating is not okay. It will never be okay.
"You knew about this?" Dale asks me. He doesn't look even remotely flustered, or worried, or shocked, or anything at all.
I nod. "For a while now. I once saw his messages with that woman accidentally." They were all exchanged after midnight. Though the conversation didn't suggest an affair, that woman definitely was desperate, and Dad was playing along.
I wince hearing something else break. All the flower vases of the living room will be gone now.
Dale stands up. "Good thing I'm going to start earning soon."
"Hmm?"
"You can stay with me after the divorce."
"D-di-" The word takes me by surprise. Divorce between my parents? After all these years? That can't be happening. And how can he say this so casually, without the words getting stuck in his throat?
But if I think about it, isn't he right? Won't that be the best? If dad isn't satisfied with mom, then instead of cheating, he should get divorced and then continue his new relationship.
The knot deepens. I don't want it to happen. But at the same time, I know that maybe that's the best option.
I truly am tired of all this.
Dale holds out a paper bag towards me. I take it, not meeting his eyes. "Thanks a lot," I tell him, though the book is the last thing in my mind right now. He shoves his hands into his pockets and turns away to head back to his room.
As much as I feel happy to find him thinking about me, his hatred and general nonchalance towards our parents greatly unsettles me.
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Hello loves!
How are you all doing? Hopefully quarantine hasn't killed y'all yet :(
Most of the characters have been introduced already. So it's time for the fun topic - ships!
Who do you ship with who? Feel free to suggest ship names for whichever ship you have, no matter how crazy the ship is lol. Dawn and Cedar? July and Cedar? Edgar and Cedar? Edgar and Alex? Dale and Aster are canon so we need one for them too. After I get a lot of suggestions I will choose an official one for each ship!
(Remember ship names can be made from last names too. So keep Lockwood, Ambers, Conway, Grayson, Hemmings etc. in mind!)
Do leave your thoughts in the comments. I love reading them :)
Take care and see you!
- love, Poma