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" So, before you go
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?"
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Word count - 1777
"Dinner, what do we want, pizza... sushi?"
"I'm not hungry Leo"
We've gotten home from the tour, it went really well. I met a few other people from the school who are in my year and are responsible for the new students, which makes me feel a little bit more comfortable. We haven't spoken much since i heard his conversation on the phone. Theres nothing really to say. He needs to tell me whatever has been occupying his mind, or else ill think ill go crazy. He's keeping something big from me. I can feel it.
"What about we skip dinner all together and get some dessert. Icecream sounds really good right now"
"Leo just sit down"
He rushes over to me, sitting next to me on the couch. His eyes are frantic, moving quickly over my face and my lips.
"Whats been making you so panicky?"
My hands hold his warm, rosy cheeks. His bigger hands encase mine.
"I..."
"You can tell me anything, you know that right? Im here for you, like you've been for me"
He moves our hands from his face, and instead holds my hands in his lap. His grip is tight, as if he is trying to reassure himself of something.
"I've kept something from you"
"I know that. It's been fairly obvious for a while now. But its okay, because its you and me, and we can get through this, whatever it may be. As long as you didnt cheat on me?"
"I would never cheat on you"
"I know i'm only joking"
He grips my hands even tighter.
"I don't know where to even start"
His eyes look up at me and i can see the sudden flow of emotions. Insecurity, sadness and guilt. He doesn't look like himself, instead someone who is broken and lacks support. Which couldnt be further from the truth.
"Just say it as quickly as you can, but don't miss out on any details, its better if its just said"
"Okay, so the story starts around two years ago"
"Two years ago?!"
He looks up at my sudden interruption.
"Sorry, continue"
"Around two years ago, it was in the summer-time, i was playing basketball with Mickey, and this man approached us, asking for me specifically."
He continues hesitantly.
"He was dressed really well. Suit and tie. Which is why i thought at first it was so strange to see someone like him in this area. He asked for me specifically. I sat down with him on the bench, and he began to tell me his life story. He was a recovered alcoholic, told me he used to turn to alcohol because his family life was falling apart and he didn't have enough money to support his kid and wife"
I don't understand why he's telling me this.
"He ended up leaving his family, because it got too hard. He thought he was going to return one day, but he just couldn't find it in himself to do it. I felt really bad for the fella, and i was confused as to why he was telling me this, until he mentioned a name"
"I remember what he said exactly, word by word - 'Her name is tilly, and i know she means a lot to you because i see you guys together all the time. She means a lot to me too, but i know if i try to intervene in her life right now as a young teenager, it will mess her up.' "
Tilly... my name... What is he trying to say? My mind feels like its going a hundred miles an hour. My hands begin to sweat, and leos eyes seem so stuck on my face that he must have memorised every freckle and every beauty mark.
"He then began to describe some sort of plan.- he said something along the lines of 'Look i know you don't make much money kid, so this is where you come in. I want you to protect her. To make sure she doesn't go down the wrong path. I have plans for her in the future, i want her to be successful.'"
He stopped for a second, his eyes searching for some sort of response that he couldn't get verbally from me. He continued.
"He wanted me to make sure you were okay, and in return he would pay me. At first i denied and i didn't want to do something as stupid as protecting you because i already felt like your older brother, infact i literally told him to go fuck himself. But then i fell down the path of drugs, and it seemed like such an easy way to get money, so i called him and accepted the offer"
I have no fucking words.
"Look i know this might sound terrible, but really it was just him wanting me to protect you. Thats all i've ever wanted you to be. Okay and safe. However my biggest regret was doing it for the money, i was selfish and an addict, i had no other options."
My mouth is officially dry. My bones are currently weak. My muscles are begging for some movement, and my brain is numb
"Please say something."
"You knew my father was alive and you kept it from me?"
"That was part of his plan. He didn't want you to know until you were 18, and had enough time to grow up and mature"
That doesn't make it okay Leo. Nothing about this is okay....
I quickly stand up, so i'm hovering over him.
"So this is all fucking fake. You dont actually care about me, you never did. You just did it for the money."
Everything is starting to make sense. His sudden wishes to always meet at the basketball courts after school and walking me home. He didn't actually do it because he cared, but because he was getting paid. Fuck ive been so blind. For once i thought someone wanted to care for me, for the right reasons.
"Nothing is fake Tilly. My feelings for you are real. I absolutely love and adore you, and ive always cared about you. I can admit that me being over protective and heavily interested in your where abouts was initially because of your dads proposal, however it was one of the main reasons i fell in love you. Because i began to care so much more"
"How can you say this shit and actually expect me to believe you"
"You may hate me right now, but the one thing you know deep down is that i've never lied about my feelings for you"
"To think i actually thought that you wanted to protect me because you cared about me, instead it was a reason to get more cash."
"Tilly, i dont expect you to understand why i did what i did. But your dad promised a better life for you if i agreed to his plan, and i thought i was doing this for you"
"If it was for me Leo, you would of told him to fuck himself. You would of walked away, and tried to find me to talk to me. You would of been honest, and we would of figured out all this shit together. Infact, we could still be living in New york together, in a relationship that was honest and understanding. We could of moved on together, and found a future for ourself. Instead you didnt choose that option Leo. You chose yourself. You chose to take drugs and not think about the concequences. You decided to take the money instead of the hands of the person who loves you the most in the world. Don't try and convince yourself that you had good intentions because you didn't"
I run over to my jacket that was hanging across the couch. For some reason, i don't cry. Instead my face is hard and cold.
"Where are you going?"
"Im going out"
He stands up frantically, running up to my side.
"No please don't go... I'll leave. Its not safe. Look im a fucking idiot, and i don't expect you to understand right now, but please just don't leave. That way ill know where you are, please thats all im asking right now... okay?"
I nod softly, and put my jacket back on the couch.
" I made this for you. I was fidgety in the car and it was the only way i could express how grateful i am to have you even though sometimes i don't always show it or act like it"
He hands me two books, with a sticky bookmark indicating certain pages.
" Ive carried books around me for years, and never really thought about it's purpose besides reading, but then i matched up certain words that expressed how i feel"
I looked up at him, still confused.
" You know the only thing i'm really good at is writing and putting my made up feelings into poems and stories, but for some reason when i tried to explain how i feel right now, i couldn't"
I looked and stared at the front cover of both of the books, the title of the books had been scratched out.
" I'm not so good at romanticising things with words and some times my emotions are fleeting and hard to grasp. I don't know what's going to happen next, i just hope you understand what i did. I was never trying to hurt you but then again i did, and there's no denying that"
I don't speak, yet i just stare up at his hopeless eyes
"I really fucking love you tilly. I do. And im going to do everything in my power to show you that. Im going to leave for the night and get a hotel somewhere, so your able to think things through"
Without saying another word, He leaves and shuts the door behind him. Im stuck in the dark hallway, now alone with my furious heart and frantic thoughts.
I look at the books, placing one down on the table beside me, switching on the hallway light to briefly see his selected pages.
My hands begin to shake as i put down the first book and look into the second one.
I turn the page on the second book, still confused and not knowing how to feel or react to the small but beautiful gesture Leo has done for me.
I shouldn't still love him, but i can't help it.
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