Chapter Thirty
I woke up feeling pretty terrible, my head was killing me and my whole body was sore and I thought back to last night. I walked away after he kissed me, my heart and body was telling me to stay, but my mind was telling me to walk away.
I laid on my couch for hours just doing nothing until I started crying, I don't know how long I cried, but I know I did cry myself to sleep. I hated the effect he had on me; it made me want to cry more that I was being so weak. I kept telling myself that I'm so upset that my baby won't have a father, and that's the only reason.
I got up and slowly made my way to the silent room and grabbed all the things I needed to paint. I wanted it to feel warmer and inviting, not cold and like you want be anywhere but there.
I sat in there for hours just painting. Painting was another way to help relieve stress I was feeling, something about it just calms me. I painted in multiple browns and creams with a touch of green, red and gold and it looked like a whole new room by the time I was finished with it.
I felt a new excitement seeing it; I couldn't wait to get everything moved into her and get it set up. I love this Library and getting it all set up, and doing it mostly on my own, but I just can't wait until all the stress over it is gone. I feel sick right now with all the stress I have going on.
I finished painting and didn't know what to do, so I looked in my locker for my music folder and went into the music room. I had been working on a composition for the piano and it was almost done. I wanted to get it finished.
I couldn't help when my mind wondered to Damon. I was relieved I hadn't seen him all day but I have a feeling he's close by but keeping his distance.
I tried to hard to get it done and I worked on this damn song until I thought my head was going to burst but I just couldn't finish it, it was infuriating. I decided to take a breather and move away from the bench to lay on the floor and talk to the baby to calm me down.
"Hey baby," I put my hands on my stomach "I love you, just always know that, I know mommy's been stressed out and that's not good for you, I'm sorry my little one" I rubbed circles across my tiny not really there bump. "I'm not looking forward to getting fat, but I can't wait to feel you growing, and to find out if you're a boy or a girl. I also can't wait until I get to hear your heartbeat and feel you kick letting me know you're there."
I thought about how in half a year, I get to meet him or her. Those thoughts instantly dampened at the thought of being at the hospital doing this by myself.
No, not by myself! I'll have my parents, Mason, Lucy, and Alexis. My brain yelled
But you won't have Damon my heart countered back and I wanted to cry again.
I got up and pushed those thoughts from my mind and went back to the piano. I was a lot calmer this time, and so the composition actually got finished pretty easily, though I'm not sure why I was so much calmer. I played it a few times, and made adjustments before I heard a knock at the door, I turned and Damon was holding a cell phone to me.
"Hello?" I said when I grabbed it
"How is everything?" Alexis
"It's okay, just feeling pretty down"
"I'm sorry, I wish you could be here for me to run us a bubble bath and we could sit and talk and I could try to cheer you up and make you feel better."
"Promise to run us a bubble bath with the relaxation aroma therapy stuff when I get home?" I asked and I saw Damon raise an eyebrow when I mentioned running a bath for us, and I rolled my eyes, men.
"I can't wait for you to get home, I miss you!" she told me sadly, we've never been apart this long. We sound more like a couple, and that thought brought a smile to my face.
"I miss you more Lex, I'm going to go mope around some more, I'll call you later if I think about jumping off the library roof. Use protection." I told her and I could almost see the blush on her face at the idea of her and Mason having sex .
"We have not had sex!" she yelled so loud I pulled the phone away from my ear, and I could hear Damon laughing.
"Yet" I coughed
"I heard that!" she snapped
"Heard what?" I said innocently
"Whore" was all I got before the end went dear and I started laughing.
"Must be love" I said out loud. Alexis isn't a virgin, but Mason is. And it's cute how they are, she never gets nervous around guys.
"Good luck to Mason, he better be glad you're the pregnant one, I can imagine her being very violent and killing people over ice cream" I couldn't help but laugh. I could see that too. I sobered up quickly remembering last night and the smile dropped from my face, and was replaced with a blank expression.
He realized this and his smile dropped too and he looked at me sadly. I could see the pain and guilt in his eyes and on his face, but I couldn't bring myself to comfort him after what he put me through.
I take a deep breath and walk out of the room. I made a stop at the library to grab my iPod before I headed to the theater. I went into the tech area and plugged in my iPod to the speakers and soon my music was flowing through the entire place.
I started a song, and then set it to shuffle and walked to the stage. I lay down in the center and closed my eyes letting the lyrics of Bad Day by Daniel Powter flow through the room. I just felt the need to listen to it because I in fact was having a bad day, and that song always makes me feel a tad bit better.
The rest of the time were stuck here is going to suck, I don't know how I'm going to deal with this. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him, but both of those are pretty much unavoidable. I really just want to go home, I hate being stuck here. Even though it is with Damon, nothing bad has happened, at least not yet.
But at the same time, I' glad to be stuck here with Damon, because I know that if he needed to, he would protect me, and even if he is a pain in the ass and a jerk, I would be a wreck if I was stuck here alone. I would be terrified. I don't know how long I was lying there, but it had to be at least an hour. An hour of moping about Damon and feeling sorry for myself; then a song came on stopping me from those thought. Sara Evans A Little Bit Stronger, it was a good song.
I thought back to all the times I was hurting and just smiled through it like nothing was wrong, where the hell is that girl now? Why am I moping and crying over everything?
You're pregnant, idiot.
And my rational side just decided to show up. I hate being pregnant, I'm never having a baby again! This little thing will be my one and only. As I listened to the song I realized how pathetic I was being. I sang the words and once it was over I sighed.
I needed to stop. Damon doesn't want this baby and I can't make him want it. He wants to have fun and do whatever it is he does, I'm not okay with that but I know I want this baby, and so I'm keeping it. My heart won't be the same knowing that he doesn't want us, but I'll get over it eventually
I feel, like the song said, I got a little bit stronger.
I wanted to be me again, and while I know that that's not going to fully happen with my hormones all screwed up, if I make an active choice to try to be more like me, maybe I'll be happier and then I slowly will start feeling better and crying less. My first step was to put a smile on my face. I grabbed my IPod and walked back to the library to leave it there and grab my camera.
I was going to develop those pictures!
Photography made me happy and so that was what I was going to do. it was getting late though and I decided I would make dinner after I got the negatives done so I made my way over to the photography room
"Where are you going?"
I jumped and let out a startled scream; I turned around and found Damon in the music room. I almost talked but then remembered I was giving him the silent treatment. It's for the best, if I was to talk, we would more than likely just get into a fight, and I couldn't deal with that right now, not on top of everything else.
"Well?" he voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I wanted to yell that I didn't answer to him, but instead I just held up my camera and walked away towards the photography room again. It only took me a minute to grab scissors, a reel, and a canister and I headed to the black room.
I was pretty good at this, I did it all the time, so it didn't take me long to have the film rolled perfectly. I haven't messed up film yet, and I wasn't starting today. This was one of my happy places, surrounded by the darkness and silence as my fingers worked.
I went through the forty five minute process of developing the film. Chemicals shake, pour back in container, wash the film, chemicals shake, pour the chemicals back in container, wash the film more, more chemicals, shake, pour that back too, then finally you can pull it out of the canister. Wash the film; let it soak in a tub of constantly moving water before pining it up to hang dry.
While waiting for the film to dry, I began busying myself with picking up any mess I left the other day.
I looked through mine and Damon's pictures that we developed together, I wrote my name on the ones I did, and Damon's on his and put a date. If he wanted to later, he could title them, I would do mine later too. I put them in a folder together, like an album of us being stuck here.
That idea made me smile.
I guess it was fate that threw us in here together, and we would either sink of float, but one way or the other we needed to figure it out. But I just wish we would swim, but Damon was like a large wait sinking us to the bottom where we just couldn't survive. I shook my head and went to check on my new negatives. Dry!
I pulled them put and cut them into groups to fit the spacing in the sheet, and then flipped on the light switch to light up the table.
I smiled at them, they were all good, but the ones of Damon playing piano made my heart skip a beat. He looked beautiful, for lack of a better word. His eyes were closed and his fingers were on the keys, and you can just tell that he was really into the music.
I put the negatives in a new sheet and dated it with a sharpie before lying on a table. What was I going to do? I groaned
How am I going to get past this, see him every day and pretend my heart doesn't hurt. I know the answer to that, well my logical side does.
I simply won't.
It will get easier to bear, making it hurt less, but it will never completely go away, not where there's a child involved. Our child. I thought.No! My Child I countered my heart's thoughts
You never told him it was his! My thoughts countered back
This was why I asked what he would do, and he made it more than clear that he doesn't want a child right now, and I have to respect that! So shut up! My brain yelled at my heart.
I was about to continue my battle with myself, wondering if my heart or brain would win, when Damon walked in the room. His eyes landed on my and he walked over and lay down next to me not saying a word, which I was grateful for. I already hated avoiding him, and I felt worse when I full out ignored him.
I hated seeing the look on his face when I stepped back from him last night, I hated seeing how he looked down when he handed me the phone, how his smile faded earlier when mine did, showing me the pain in this eyes.
I hated all of it, and I desperately wished that this wasn't a reoccurring thing and I could just pull him into a hug and tell him it's alright, but I couldn't.
I don't even know why he's so upset to begin with, and I don't want to talk to him right now to ask. Neither of us said anything as we lay there for a while until my stomach rumbled, I hadn't eaten all day.
"I'm hungry" I mumbled to myself
"What do you want?" Damon asked me, and I knew I was giving him the silent treatment, but where food was involved, it wasn't worth it right now, I wanted food, and I wanted it now.
"Spaghetti with no meat and tomato and mushroom in the sauce, and cooked onion," My mouth was watering at the thought of eating food. "And chocolate toast" I threw out there, because I want chocolate all the time. He laughed at the last part and stood up
"Well lets go, I can actually make that and you can sit down and yell at me for not making it fast enough." He was smiling, and I can't help but think that it's because I talked to him.
I sat up and tried to jump off the table at one time, and I couldn't help my knees buckling underneath me, but Damon was there and held me up. My vision went a little blurry and then everything went black.
Merry Christmas, double update on here too! you're all amazing and than you for reading <3