Pain. So much pain. It feels like someone shredded his heart. Anakin Skywalker takes a slow, steadying breath to no avail. Nothing can dull his pain. Nothing. Obi-Wan, his brother, best friend, mentor is dead. Gone. From the galaxy, from the Force. He's just... gone. Dead. And it's all so very wrong.
He rests his chin on his palm, staring dully out the window of their apartment in the Jedi Temple. He needs to get away. He can't stand being here, where the memories are so overwhelming. Everything about the buildings reminds him of Obi-Wan. He can't even turn around without thinking about him. This is too hard.
His eyes fall closed. He's tired. Exhausted. How many days has it been since he's slept properly? Too many. Ever since Obi-Wan died. Even sneaking into his brother's room at night doesn't help. It both soothes and tortures him. He needs Obi-Wan right now, but he's not here to help him. Anakin is alone. Completely alone with his grief.
I can't... do this. Anakin opens his eyes, turning away from the window. His only escape. Flying. So, he slips away to the hanger to go find his starfighter. Maybe it will help take his mind off everything. He ensures that his astromech droid, Artoo, is in place before climbing inside and starting the engine. His jaw is firmly set as he flies out of the hanger into the sky.
He wants to fly and fly and fly until there's nowhere else to fly too. If not for his Padawan, Ahsoka, he thinks he'd probably leave the Order. Convince Padme to take a vacation so they can do somewhere all alone and just be together as husband and wife. Being with her, it would help him dull the pain. But it will never, ever, ever go away, because Obi-Wan was part of him and now he's just... gone.
He flies higher until the buildings beneath him are smaller, and he's in the upper layers of Coruscant's atmosphere. Anakin takes the fighter twisting and turning through space, trying to just stop thinking. But his mind – and heart – won't stop screaming in agony. He shakes his head, trying to will away the tears misting in his eyes.
It would be so easy for him to – to – crash his starfighter. Except he doesn't really want to die. Not yet. He fears the thought of death. He pushes the fighter to go even faster. He likes flying so far away from the surface of Coruscant, cut off from the rest of civilization. Who knew that someone dying could be so hard?
No. No. Not someone. Obi-Wan. Anakin chokes back a sob. He shouldn't be dead. It's just not fair. Why did he have to die?! Why did it have to be him? He wasn't supposed to die. He was supposed to stay there... to be with Anakin. They weren't supposed to leave each other. So then why?
He can't answer that question. No one can answer. Obi-Wan. His former master, his best friend, his brother. Gone. Dead. He can hardly bring his mind to accept it. He knows death, of course. He's seen so many people die in the war, but this. This is different. It shouldn't hurt this much. Why does it have to hurt so much?
And maaaybe if he goes fast enough, he'll damage his starfighter, and it will crash on its own. That would... be nice, he supposes. If he's dead, he won't have to feel like this. He won't feel like someone stole his heart. It's his fault. He should have been there. He should have saved Obi-Wan again. But he couldn't. And now he's dead.
Tears slip down his face. No. It really shouldn't be this hard. But it is! He wants – no, he doesn't want to undo time. He just wants Obi-Wan to still be alive. But he's not, and –
Anakin swallows past the tears blurring his eyes. Now his thoughts are becoming repetitive. And it just hurts even more. Flying has always been his release, his escape, so why can't he just stop thinking? And feeling. That's hardest. No one can help him. Not Padme. Not Ahsoka. Not Palpatine. And certainly not the Jedi. No one would understand what he's going through, and the only one he knows could and would help is –
He cuts off the thought. Not helping. He just needs to... land. Anakin sends the starfighter streaking down towards the ground, searching for a landing platform, somewhere quiet. He almost forgets that Artoo is there, until he lets out a whistle, "Where are you going?"
"I don't know," mutters Anakin, not bothering to wipe away his tears, "Somewhere. Anywhere."
And this is why Obi-Wan warned him about attachments. But he's not a droid. He's not. He has a heart, or had one rather, before it got shattered into a million pieces. And how any sentient could simply pretend to be heartless doesn't really make sense. That's why I was never a perfect Jedi. That's why they don't like me. Because he cares about people, maybe too much.
He lands the starfighter and climbs out, looking around at the abandoned warehouse. No people around. This is perfect. He sits down on a crate some distance away. He wants to – to leave everything. Just go to a different planet and pretend that everything in his world wasn't destroyed. He doesn't really want to be a Jedi. Not without Obi-Wan there to help him. There are just too many emotions. Pain and anger and hatred and fear and grief and pain and –
And the Jedi would just tell him he needs to release his emotions to the Force. But no one can just let go of something like this. They just don't understand. They probably never will. And they don't care. None of them did, except Obi-Wan, but – that's already been covered.
Anakin groans quietly, burying his face in his hands. Somehow it all comes back to Obi-Wan. Who is dead. So, it doesn't matter. He finally gives in to his emotions, letting his tears run freely down his face. How can anything hurt soooo much?
He can't be dead. He can't be dead. He just can't be. Because he's Obi-Wan, and he's always around. But he is gone, and Anakin will never be able to hear him or see him or talk to him again. No. No. No! It's not fair. It's not right, but there's nothing Anakin can do to change it. Nothing. He might be the most powerful Force-sensitive, but even he can't bring the dead back to life.
He doesn't know how many minutes – or hours – he sits there. Eventually his tears stop flowing, and he just feels numb inside. Not really feeling much of anything. The sun has set, but he can't bring himself to get up and move.
"We should go home," whistles Artoo, sounding almost anxious.
Right. Home. The Temple. For another sleepless night? No. Anakin shakes his head, "Not yet, Artoo. I don't want to go back." He closes his eyes, trying to accept the mind numbing, heart shattering truth. He can go back. But it will never, ever be the same again. He'll still be alone. And nothing will change. And Obi-Wan will still be dead. And –
A quiet groan escapes him. No. He won't go back to the Temple tonight. Maybe he can go to Padme's apartment. She'd probably be happy to have him there, and she might be able to help him. Not likely, but maybe it's still worth a try. Or maybe –
Anakin sighs. No. No one will really understand how he's feeling. They won't be able to help him. But they will try. And maybe help him somewhat, but he knows the pain in his heart will take a long time to fade. And it will never be gone.
Maybe he should tell Ahsoka he won't be back to the Temple that night. She'll probably worry otherwise. It irks him that she'll badger him with questions when he gets back, but he supposes it's only because she cares. He's slightly surprised that she's the only one to have made a comment about his anger. Yes, he's angry. He has every right to be. His brother was killed. At least the assassin is in prison. That's a small comfort, though Anakin would have much preferred just killing him.
Obi-Wan would not be happy. Revenge is not the Jedi way, as he always said. But this isn't just something that Anakin can let go of. It's simply wrong that the man be allowed to live when he killed Obi-Wan, who was so much more the hero than Anakin ever was. He could control his emotions. He didn't act rashly or do stupid things. He was... everything Anakin wasn't. Was. Past tense. No. He doesn't want to have to get used to talking about Obi-Wan like he's gone, even if he is, because it just hurts too much.
Artoo lets out a series of concerned, if not alarmed, beeps, pulling Anakin out of his thoughts. He looks up, suddenly realizing that the Force feels tense somehow. His eyes fall on the last person he could have expected to see on Coruscant. What – ?!