- - -
here's what i learned the first day at medical school: think long and hard before choosing to become a surgeon. it takes one hundred percent commitment.
- - -
"okay, so daddy is gonna drop you off at day care, and i am going to pick you up, okay?" lia tells darci as she places a bowl of cereal in front of her. "then we'll have a princess tea party at the end of the day."
"okay, ladies, let's go," mark kisses lia before she pulls away and heads out to work.
- - -
you have to be on your a game every time you walk into that o.r. when patients are lying on your table, completely at your mercy, they need to know that when you make that first cut, you know what you're doing.
- - -
"hey!" lia greets as she catches up to meredith as she's walking down the hall. "you're doing a heart/liver on samantha calder?"
"yep," meredith nods.
"i saw her before i went on leave. i'm the one who diagnosed the familial hypercholesterolemia," lia tells her.
"oh, well you were right," meredith informs.
"so let me take the heart," lia suggests.
"really?" meredith raises her brow.
"yeah, really," lia chuckles. "why didn't you think of me in the first place?"
"i guess i thought you were easing back in? and you mainly focus on your other specialties now," meredith admits.
"i don't ease back in. i jump in the deep end. i swim," lia enthuses.
"alright," meredith agrees. "uh, well have you read the cleveland article on simultaneous heart/liver transplants under c.p.b?"
"i have not. is it different from a regular heart/liver?" lia asks, and meredith nods as though it's an obvious answer. "i will read it. photographic memory."
"hey, you're doing a heart/liver?" maggie approaches her sisters.
"yeah. uh, but i don't need you," meredith tells her.
"you paged me," maggie furrows her brow, and meredith gestures to lia before walking away. "you stole my heart?"
"uh... come on. i deserve this," lia attempts to reason with her. "i've been on the bench for months."
"you deserve nothing," maggie frowns.
"i named my daughter after you," lia reminds her before speaking in a sing-songy voice. "you can't be mad at me."
"your daughter is the devil's spawn. she drinks the milk of a heart thief!" maggie calls after her as she begins to walk away.
■ ■ ■
"okay, now show catherine your party trick, sir," bailey encourages richard who grunts as he slowly lifts himself to stand from his bed. "oh! oh, he's acting all too cool for school right now. but yesterday, when he made it to the chair, he was smiling from ear to ear."
"okay. okay," catherine nods as she and bailey help richard into the chair.
"you are doing so well!" bailey praises.
"i think you'll be doing laps by next week," catherine assures.
"excuse me, sir," deluca interrupts as he and cross enter richard's room. "your, uh, drain output has been a little low, and we were told to come by to strip your j.p."
"we can come back later if this isn't a good time," cross adds.
"well, i actually wanted to talk to dr. bailey. so right now is a great time," catherine tells them.
"i need a hand to get back in bed," richard reminds them.
"well, what are you two waiting for? help the man!" bailey orders deluca and cross before following catherine outside.
"i was expecting more," catherine sighs.
"but he couldn't sit up two days ago," bailey argues.
"he's depressed," catherine shakes her head. "have you considered antidepressants?"
"of course i have," bailey assures. "and he refuses. he says he's fine, and he is. he needs time, support, and more pillows if he's ever gonna be able to sit up comfortably. i'm gonna go get those."
"miranda... i'm so sorry," catherine places a hand on either one of bailey's shoulders. "you've done so much, and i am grateful. i'm here to help. so let me."
"alright," bailey nods. "pillows."
■ ■ ■
"hey, sam," lia smiles as she and wilson follow meredith into their patients room.
"dr. webber... where's your baby belly?" sam asks, as she sits herself upright in her bed.
"it turned into a baby girl," lia tells her.
"congratulations," sam sighs.
"i would show you a picture, but she's so cute, you may have another heart attack," lia jokes and she chuckles.
"she's had a bunch of them," meredith corrects as she examines sam.
"not recently, though," sam assures them. "i think the yoga music helps."
"absolutely," her husband, davis, agrees.
"he hates the music," sam shakes her head as she points to davis.
"i loved it..." davis protests, unconvincingly. "for the first few months."
"well, now that we're getting you a new heart and liver, you can flip out like the rest of us," meredith chuckles.
"and have a baby, like you and dr. webber," sam gushes as meredith steps away from her and looks at lia expectantly.
"what?"
"did you want to examine the patient?" meredith raises her brow.
"oh," lia nods before moving around the bed.
■ ■ ■
lia walks past one of the conference rooms where she finds mark talking to a dozen people all wearing suits. she stops outside the window, and nods her head when he looks at her to indicate she wants to speak to him.
"alright, one second. excuse me," mark excuses himself from the conference room before meeting lia outside.
"fourth day back, and i'm already scrubbing in on a heart/liver transplant with meredith," lia beams.
"well, fantastic!" mark grins at her.
"yeah," lia nods. "can you pick up the kids this afternoon?"
"i would, but i have to entertain all of them," mark gestures to inside the conference room. "they're visiting e.n.t's. watching my a.v.m. q and a after."
"i promised darci a princess tea party," lia tells him.
"have avery do tea," mark suggests.
"it was supposed to be me, or in a pinch, you," lia stresses. "it's so she knows that she hasn't been replaced in our hearts by a new baby sister or by a multi-organ transplant."
"it's an over-determined tea party," mark points out.
"i'll talk to jackson," lia sighs, and mark nods.
■ ■ ■
"what is wrong with jackson? he still hasn't called me back," lia shakes her head as she and meredith are stood on their phones at the nurses station.
"ooh! ooh! ah, the recovery team texted, two minutes until they open the donor," meredith informs her as deluca walks out of a patient room behind her.
"hey, deluca?" lia calls and he stops, turning to look at her. "could you run down to the e.r and ask avery if he can pick up the kids today?"
"sure, but i have to get this blood to the lab-" he gestures to the box he's carrying.
"and remind him about the princess tea party," lia cuts him off. "it has to be today."
■ ■ ■
lia is sat in one of the doctors lounges, pumping milk whilst reading an article when maggie enters holding an empty mug.
"alex just broke the coffee machine," lia informs her.
"you're dead to me," maggie waves her off and she chuckles.
"dr. grey just got a call-" deluca runs into the lounge, but cuts himself off and turns back around when he sees lia. "oh, god. i'm sorry."
"oh, andrew, all my parts are covered," lia rolls her eyes. "you can turn around."
"i'm fine looking at the wall," he assures her as meredith walks in.
"oh! um, organs are good," meredith beams. "let's go tell samantha."
"she's lactating," deluca tells her.
"i need ten minutes. i have four more ounces to go," lia explains.
"uh, okay. page me when you're done," meredith smiles before leaving again.
"oh, dr. avery is in surgery," deluca informs lia. "he can't get the kids until six at the earliest."
"six is too late for a tea party," lia argues. "tea time is at four."
"do you want me to tell that to dr. avery?" deluca asks.
"no, it's just that i promised. just forget it. forget it," lia shakes her head and deluca leaves.
"there will be other tea parties," maggie attempts to reassure her.
"well, this is how it starts. i make a promise. i break it. ten years later, i'm richard, and darci's snorting oxy behind the school," lia stresses.
"nice," maggie nods with wide eyes as she takes a seat across from her. "how about i quiz you?"
"i thought you hated me?" lia smiles.
"i do. so pass me the article before i change my mind," maggie hold her hand out and lia chuckles as she hands her the papers she's holding.
■ ■ ■
"i want to have a serious conversation with you about coming home with me," catherine tells richard as she stands beside his bed. "you're not progressing very quickly here. they're all in love with you, and afraid of you. so they're coddling you. it's very sweet, but ultimately a disservice. you need to push yourself. you need someone to push you. this is a long road, and the slower you go down it, the poorer your chances are. i love you, but i will not coddle you. i never learned how."
"come here," richard opens his arms and she leans down to kiss him.
"i know things still aren't right with alivia," catherine assures. "but, just think about it. please?"
■ ■ ■
"you're a goddess," lia thanks maggie as she packs her breast pump away.
"i know," maggie nods as lia's phone begins to ring.
"this is webber," lia brings her phone to her ear.
"dr. webber... it's karen at the day care centre," karen tells over the phone. "darci took a spill off the slide, and she nicked the side of her head. she's probably going to need a few stitches."
"is she able to stand?" lia grows worried. "did she ever lose consciousness?"
"what happened?" maggie's brows knit together.
"she cut her head open," lia informs her sister.
"well, go," maggie encourages. "i'll tell meredith."
"okay," lia hangs up the phone and stands from the table. "so tell mer to go ahead and talk to samantha without me, and i will meet her in the o.r."
"okay," maggie nods as lia rushes out of the doctors lounge. "poor baby."
■ ■ ■
"okay, supergirl. that's the only ouch-y part," alex assures darci as he numbs her forehead ready to stitch it up. "now you're not gonna feel anything at all."
"you are so brave. i'm so proud of you," lia squeezes her tight as her phone chimes, and she sighs. "my patient's going into the o.r."
"when?" alex asks.
"right now," lia shakes her head. "it wasn't supposed to be for another hour at least."
"well, go ahead," alex shrugs. "uh... i'll have jenna come in and hold her if avery or sloan don't show up."
"doesn't that sound a little ellis grey to you- to leave my kid to go to surgery while she's getting stitches?" lia covers darci's ears as she speaks in a lowered voice.
"you're a good mom, lia. take it from me. i had crap parents. i know the difference," alex assures. "besides, she's not gonna be alone. she's gonna be with me, who she loves more than her own parents."
"okay, that is... not true," lia chuckles, before she shakes her head. "no. i'm not leaving her. maggie can do the surgery."
■ ■ ■
"hey, i am so sorry," jackson apologises as he walks into the treatment room where lia is holding darci as alex finishes up her stitches. "i was in a surgery, and didn't hear my pager. you should have sent someone to come and get me."
"it's okay," lia assures. "you're here now."
"how is she?" he asks as he walks over to her and kisses her. "you are so brave, baby girl. daddy's sorry he wasn't here."
"jackson, stop worrying. you're here now... unlike some people," lia mutters the last part as she checks her phone to see that mark still hasn't returned any of her calls.
■ ■ ■
"i'm sorry. i can't do it," lia shakes her head as she stands at the foot of richard's bed.
"alivia, i just need you to observe while a-"
"i understand what you're asking me-" lia assures.
"alivia," richard cuts her off.
"page the surgeon that's on call. i don't have the time," lia snaps.
"i'm sorry. i'm sorry for saying you were the wrong choice- the wrong daughter," richard begins to apologise and lia shakes her head. "for saying that you should have let me die. i'm sorry for ever feeling that way. because i've remembered what there is to live for. i would never have gotten here if it hadn't been for you. so i'm sorry. alivia, please."
■ ■ ■
"probably should have checked back earlier," steph tells richard as she reads his chat at the foot of his bed. "your... white blood cell count is elevated. i'd like to start you on antibiotics."
"why do i need antibiotics?" richard asks.
"because there's a left shift?" steph shrugs.
"you need to examine me to find out what's causing the elevation," richard tells her, and she fumbles about as she begins to do so. "edwards... i don't want to be coddled or pussy-footed around. no offence. it makes you a bad doctor and me a sicker patient. so buck up, lift my gown and give me a proper hands-on exam."
"yes, sir," steph nods before obliging. "it... feels distended."
"okay, what does that tell you?" richard asks her.
"there could be fluid build up."
"okay," richard nods. "you're checking the drain?"
"there's no output," steph tells him.
"okay, what else?" his voice is strained.
"you have epigastric tenderness, increased w.b.c, and little to no drain output, which means you have a... symptomatic pancreatic leak," steph diagnoses as catherine appears in the doorway.
"which also means i'm in a great deal of pain," richard adds. "now you need to try and unclog the drain with a fogarty catheter so this doesn't happen again!"
"okay," steph quickly exits the room and when she does, catherine steps in.
"there's the bossy richard i know and love," she smiles.
"they're gonna learn to look me in the eye and explain to me what they're doing so i understand," richard sighs. "when i ask a question, they're going to answer it. they're gonna figure out why my pancreas still requires a drain."
"so i... take it you're not coming home with me," catherine's arms are folded across her chest.
"these fools need me, catherine," richard shakes his head.
"well, what if i need you, too?" she asks.
"come here," he tells her, and she huffs before lying down on the bed beside him. "you got me. i'm right here."
- - -
no other specialty requires the time, the focus, the complete dedication, except maybe being a mom. what if your focus splits? what if you can't be all in? are you left with nothing at all?
- - -
lia is in the kitchen, slamming every door she opens shut when mark returns home from work.
"hey! how's darci?" he shrugs off his jacket as lia continues to look through the cupboards with her back to him. "karev filled me in. said she was a real champ."
"she didn't get her princess tea party," lia frowns as she turns to face him. "darci has two stitches in her head and had cereal for dinner, and the house is a mess because i couldn't get the baby to sleep and she didn't get her princess tea party."
"why are you yelling at me?" mark furrows his brow. "i had a big surgery."
"so did i!" lia snaps. "but you didn't answer your phone. she cut her head, and you didn't answer your phone. so i had to go and comfort her, which means that i didn't get to do my surgery- a heart/liver transplant. those never happen, and i didn't get to do it."
"i'm sorry, but that is not my fault," mark says calmly.
"it is your fault because you didn't answer your phone!" lia shouts. "i was there. jackson came as soon as he could. you weren't there at all."
"i was in a surgery," mark defends himself.
"i shouldn't have to choose between being a good mother and being a good surgeon."
"i never asked you to do that," mark argues. "never have i asked you to do that."
"you are asking me to do that though! every time you don't show up, i am forced to make that choice."
- - -
maybe you just need to find a different path. here's what horrifying: what if you can't give one hundred percent? maybe you just need to go back to the beginning and start all over again.
- - -