Dedicated to sonikudigujju, niranjana15, Mehakshakir, EstherGameli3, Ananya_malik,
Barun4ever, atom_brown_eyes, Barunz4ever, elieli-lid, SuppMudi, vgshah12,
and to all my readers, followers and friends....
Chapter 35 : Silent Whisper
" Whisper sweet nothings in my ears,
And I will listen them like my favourite song..."
~ Geet...
Early Morning...
Around 5:30 a.m.
Guest Room..
RM ..
Khushi was confused why suddenly Payal wants to talk with her and specially about Arnav. What is there to talk? Or Payal is here to accuse her for the stunt which she had just took yesterday in Fashion show... But Payal's intensions become clear by her next statement.
"Do you know Khushi , because of Arnav me and Akash are together today..Actually I met with Akash when Arnav was hospitalized, precisely when he was in coma..." Payal said making Khushi froze in her place...
" COMA?? I mean Coma?? Why? Did his sugar lever fall or diabetes become too worse? When all that happen? I MEAN.. I..." Khushi suddenly stop sensing that she has spoken too much and feels uncomfortable the way Payal was watching her, as if she is not in front of Payal but a scrutinizing instrument.
There was a silence, Khushi was uncomfortable and restless but Payal was cool as ocean.
" You have asked so many questions .. Let me answer you one by one." Payal said softly and Khushi become surprise seeing the rare smile of Payal face. She always felt that Payal don't like her but today at this moment Payal's gesture is quite different.
"No it was not because of any medical condition but yes, his diabetes and drug addiction surely worsen the condition and had prolongated the hospitalization but the reason was entirely different." Payal said very calmly.
" What.. What was that?" Khushi whispered while her heart was drumming like anything. A certain kind of uneasiness and restlessness was slowly engulfing her. Khushi was sure whatever Payal will tell that will again shook her life.
" Look Khushi, first of all , you have to promise me that you will listen till the end . I will not say that you have to believe me, but just listen to me." Payal paused a little and then taking a deep breath she continued,
" 6 years before, the day on your birthday, Arnav humiliated you publicly.. and you were shattered. Almost that very moment Nk had reached Harvard to bring back Arnav to India because Mr Mathur was dead. But before coming back to India Arnav searched for you but could not able to trace you. Instead he met with your friends of cultural group and from then he came to know that the picture of your's and Daksh's which he had received day before were nothing but the promotional picture of your drama.. and Arnav was surprised to know that everyone believed that he is your boyfriend, that everyone knew how much you loves Arnav... Arnav was shocked and guilt ridden. Before he could proceed further he came back to India..."
Pause....
"In India Arnav came to know the shocking truth that you are Pakhi, his childhood friend on the very same day when the news of your being missing reached in Raizada Mansion by your buaji.. Arnav himself confessed about his own deeds and the way he humiliated you publicly in front of his own family members. That was the same day, when Ratna Maa declared that Arnav is dead for her.." Payal stops hearing gasp from Khushi and shook her head..
"Hold yourself Khushi, it's nothing.. this is just the beginning...when the entire family was blaming him and after were busy searching you, Arnav secretly came out of RM... And he met with a brutal accident and got hospitalized.. There was no hope for his survival.. best team of doctors finally able to save him but Arnav slips into coma... though, further investigation revealed that it was not an accident but Arnav attempt suicide..." the entire time Payal was looking at Khushi and she easily got the clear picture of Khushi's inner turmoil...
Khushi sit in her place like a statue forgot to blink. Her whole mind got blank only one thought was replaying in her mind that is " Arnav tried to commit suicide.."
Few moments passed by but none of Payal or Khushi spoke a single words. Finally breaking the ice Payal put her hands on Khushi's hands which was almost frozen and silently whispered, " Khushi I know it's really unimaginable for you to hear the truth but make one thing very clear, whatever had happened with Arnav, you are nowhere to be blamed. This was never your fault."
Khushi as if jolted out from her frozen state and looked at Payal with her hazel orbs which holds pain, hurt and longing. And as if questioning Payal, "is she telling the truth?"
Payal slowly nodded her head as if sensing Khushi's silent plea.. "It was never your fault Khushi.. In fact you are the only person for whom Arnav came back to us, Arnav fought with death just because of the only desire to meet you once in his life time. Arnav attempted suicide because he was not strong enough to face the reality. Arnav wanted to escape from the cruel reality and the truth that he destroyed his own love and life with his bare hand, that he is the wrong doer here. Arnav was not strong enough Khushi after knowing the truth. He was a coward who thought to end his life and to get rid of his guilt. "
The more Payal was speaking Khushi's hold on Payal hands were increasing. Khushi could not uttered a single words and not a single tear drop escape from her eyes but her whole demeanour spoke the unbearable pain Khushi's heart and soul were feeling at that moment.
Payal slowly caressing Khushi's hair and said, " You may be wondering why I am telling you about Arnav's suicidal attempt when I says that you are nowhere responsible for it. Actually I am saying all this because of you only.."
The moment Payal finished Khushi snapped her head towards her direction and her hazel orbs asked the unasked question, " What are you talking about?"
" I am talking about YOU KHUSHI.... You are still there where Arnav had left you 6 years ago... I want you to liberate you from the pain which you were carrying in your heart since last 6 years. Apparently everyone thought that whatever stunt you did yesterday because you wanted to humiliate Arnav to get equal with him... But this is not the truth, right Khushi? For all this years, you had many question in your mind, which eventually had snatched your peace, make you question about yourself and your fate..."
Khushi looked at Payal surprisingly...
"You wanted to find out why every single person whom you loves dearly, just abandon you? Is not it Khushi? You once lost your father's love and restricted yourself not to get hurt again... but when Arnav slowly but steadily breaks the walls of your heart, you started to dream again but the very same man itself broke you into pieces.. You left alone with the question that why did not you get love? Why did not you become someone's priority? And that's the reason I am telling you about Arnav's suicidal attempt Khushi... that Arnav, the immature, arrogant, egoist, stupid boy whom you once loved with your all heart, has also loved you immensely... that he actually chooses you.. though his way was not right, but he chooses you.."
Pause...
"When he came to know about the truth, he tried to commit suicide because he knew he had already lost you... he knew he had no right to claim you or your love, he knew that he had failed you... For that particular moment Arnav had forgot about everything and everyone surrounded him , Khushi.. Even about his mother... He just thought about you... I have seen the CCTV footage of the accident place, before closing his eyes and going in unconsciousness, the only name which was uttered by Arnav was your name Khushi... He ranted your name like a mantra... Arnav Singh Raizada has chosen YOU over his every relationship, even over his own life...."
The moment Payal finished her words, she felt few drop of water on her closed fist which was being hold by Khushi...Payal looked at Khushi who was crying silently, tears were flowing like a cascade..
" Sushshhh... It was always you Khushi... Just you..." Payal patted Khushi's head affectionately while let Khushi cry her heart out..
Finally after few more times when Khushi slowly calm down she asked, "Why are you telling me about this incident when everyone including Arnav hided it from me?"
" Arnav never wanted your pity Khushi.. and the rest of the family members wants their Chotey back, they want you back to heal their Chote..." Payal said those words while Khushi's face shows her surprise and confusion at a same time.
" And what you want?" Khushi asked with her painful eyes which became red after so much crying.
" I want to give you the closure... You need the closure, infact you DESERVE this...Arnav got best treatment, indirectly his family were with him and you have fought the battle all alone... how much you portray that you are strong in front of the outer world but your inner soul is crumbling a silent death with every second... You deserve to know the truth Khushi, because in the whole scenario, the person who suffered most is you, the person who shattered maximum is you... and today I am here speaking to you, not as Arnav's sister- in- law or the Psychologist but as a woman.. You have the right to know about the truth so that you can take any future decision without any regret... I am here to help you to get back Your own self , Khushi..."
" Is it your way to indirectly tell me to stay in Arnav's life? Are you trying to manipulate my decision by saying about Arnav's suicidal attempt ?" Khushi asked unable to believe that Payal is being so cordial and sympathasizing with her... Khushi is not use to get such affectionate support from anybody..
" It's very natural from your point of view that, You may get suspicious about my aim... But just think about it Khushi, none of you or Arnav deserve pity in their life not from each other at least.. Then why I will try to get that from you?? I am not doing it for Arnav, as I said, I am doing it for you... Because the bare truth is Arnav has been HEALED but You are stuck...Arnav is repenting that means he has accepted his fault and his love for you too...how much Your presence in his life means, he has learnt it in a worst way, but never less He has aware about it... but You?? You are lost Khushi, lost in the whirlpool of pain which Arnav had inflicted upon you... I just want you to cross the barrier, not for anyone but for yourself..." Payal said all those words looking at Khushi..
Pause....
" I am not saying to forgive and forgot...It's really hard to forgot but forgiveness is in our hand... sometimes, forgiving other liberate you and make you in peace... forgiveness indicates how much strong you are... and about Loving Arnav and giving a chance?? It's out of a question here Khushi, at least at present... Do you know Why? Because for that, you have to love yourself First... You have to find a way to love yourself..." Khushi felt more tears were blurring her vision... she could not decipher what to believe and how to believe... Is it a new trap of Arnav?
Khushi's thought was broken when Payal slowly wipes her tears and said, " I will take your leave now... and before going just take this," with that Payal handed over few diary on Khushi's hands..
" What.. What are those?" Khushi asked confused..
" This are Arnav's journal, he had wrote it when he was admitted in the hospital after coming over from Coma... It was for you...Don't believe in my words, don't listen to anyone but just read these.. You have the only right to read all those and You deserve to know what you mean in Arnav's life..." Payal slowly puts the diary on the nearest tool and walked towards the exit...
" Read them and then liberate yourself..." with that Payal left the room not before patting Khushi's head..
Khushi sat down on the bed with a thud once again... she recalled the entire conversation with Payal from the very beginning and surprisingly the most shocking part was Arnav's suicidal attempt...
There was a time when Arnav was fighting for his life but still holds onto Her?? Is it his love for her or is it his guilt?
Khushi wipes the tears while wondering will she now be happy that Arnav had loved her or will she be scared that Arnav thought to finish himself in this love...
Is their love so toxic that they indirectly destroyed themselves?
Khushi looked at the diaries which Payal had left...
Arnav's diary... will the innocent letters of diary bring peace in her burning heart or will it again broke Khushi even if it seems impossible... with a shaking hands, finally Khushi took one Diary in her hands...
Khushi slowly opens the first page of Diary entry... and there her breath got stuck looking at the first page....
" This diary dedicated to my only love.... Khushi...."
************
Arnav's Diary.....
" Entry 1...Day 1....
1st July , 2013.....
I am Arnav... the pathetic, jerk who deserve to die... But I am such a failure that death even did not accept me...
Forgive me Khushi....."
" Entry 2...Day 5....
5th July , 2013.....
Khushi....How are you? I don't have the right to utter your name but You are still my sanity..."
" Entry 7...Day 20....
20th July , 2013.....
Probably the burden of my sins is too grave that I have to live so that every single moment I can die a silent death....
" Entry 15...Day 48....
18th August , 2013.....
Yesterday Night I slept after so long. Do you know why? I dreamed about you Khushi... I relived the moments we spend together in Harvard... I.. I.. remember them all like they were happening with me once again...
Now Every second of my life is becoming a burden without you.. and the immense guilt that I am carrying is not getting me anywhere...
I don't know why I am writing this diary.. Ms Sharma says it will lesson my burden and I can introspect better... But it's not necessary... I know I will never able to get rid of your memory as well I will not able to cherish you because I don't deserve a pure soul like you, Khushi... But how I will make my heart understand this fact that I don't deserve you... My heart , the organ of my body which always has chanted your name but my ego and stupid mind only believe what he wanted to believe...
It's really hard to accept the fact that I have probably lost you... I .. I... don't know will I able to continue keep going without you but I wish you all the happiness in your life Khushi....
Khushi, I... I...really miss you...
--The demon of your life, Arnav...
" Entry 26...Day 59....
31st August , 2013.....
Where are you Khushi? No one is able to find you... Nobody is telling me anything but their worried glance and silent accusation is enough proof that you are still missing... They were even thinking about the worst... But I knew you are ALIVE, because my heart is still beating, it's only indicates You are here in the same earth, breathing in the same air like me...
I know you are somewhere, in some place away from us...
Are you deliberately hiding just because of me? Please don't do that...because of me, don't punish your love one's..
Come back Khushi...come back please...
I swear I will not bother you anymore, just come back... But you know, I am greedy...though I am telling you that I will never bother you, I will let you go but will I ever be able to ??
I AM NOT AS SELFLESS AS YOU...
SORRY..."
" Entry 35...Day 68....
9th September, 2013.....
Today something happened, something very unusual. You know, Payal Sharma, ohh.. silly me, How do you know? Payal Sharma is psychologist, currently my counsellor. It's her advise that I am writing these diary.. otherwise, you know me, I was never good at words..But you know, when she told that this will help me to connect with you, then I give it a try... Believe me Khushi, it's working... I am able to connect with you... every night I dream about you, your thoughts are consoling me in this deserted days and nights.
Ohh... I again got diverted... so, where I was? About Payal Sharma.. You know Khushi, I think Akash bro is in love with Payal... I mean they both are in love.. Today, I saw them together and surprisingly I remembered our first date.....
You remember Khushi the day of Kuhu's birthday... I was so excited that you spend few moments alone with me.. though it was not ended as I have thought of but it is a treasure moment for me.. truth to be told Khushi, every moment spend with you is a treasure which I have kept in my heart...
But still I have destroyed all of it... Why Khushi?? Why I became so monstrous with you? Why my ego took over my love for you ?? Why I am so pathetic Khushi? I had already spoiled my life but I am sorry for destroying you....
I am really sorry...
I know a simple sorry is not enough, infact I know nothing is or will be enough to erase the deed of mine, but still Khushi... still.. I am asking you, will you forgive me?
Ever in this life??
Will I ever be able to meet you again??
---The beast...Arnav"
" Entry 42...Day 75....
16th September , 2013.....
I was so close to you Khushi in those few days, still how did I misunderstood you ? I sit because I never deserve you?
I sometimes feel why everyone saved me? I don't feel like living anymore...
Sorry but today I am feeling very suffocated...
I don't know Khushi but I am very restless today...
Are you okay Khushi ??
Please take care of yourself, where ever you are...
Yours and only your's
Arnav...."
" Entry 45...Day 78....
19th September , 2013.....
I wonder where are you Khushi? What are you doing? How are you surviving alone ? I am here surrounded by everyone but I am too alone... you are not with me..
Khushi how will I drag my life without you?? Will you never come back Khushi?? At least come back to hurt me or take a revenge on me or at least give some punishment...
Sorry I forgot.. You are Khushi, you only know to spread happiness while I am the darkness of everyone's life...
Forgive me Khushi..."
" Entry 49...Day 82....
23rd September , 2013.....
Khushi it is becoming difficult...very very difficult for me... I can not even cry like others, can not even openly say that I love you, scratch that I miss you even...
I want to scream my heart out, I want to bring the heaven to earth, I want to do anything in return to get a glimpse of you..But I know I don't deserve you...
Will you come back for once Khushi?? Just for once?? Just to teach me how to live without you..
Will you, please?? Just for once??
I know this is also very irrational demand.. How dare I to want to see you once after my heinous act?? But I am selfish, you know that right??
Truth to be told, I am not at all strong like you Khushi...that's why, instead of facing the effects of my sins I just took the easy way to escape...
Suicide....
You hate me now right?? You should... after all everyone should hate a coward like me...
You should.. you definitely should...
----Your criminal,
Arnav...."
" Entry 63...Day 96....
7th October , 2013.....
For last few days I am only thinking about your birthday...our little time together and later on my sin...
I definitely know that you will never be able to erase those memories from your mind, heart or soul.. I actually destroyed every being of your's.. your soul, mind, body had the claws of my demon.. Demon Arnav Singh Raizada....
But you know what, the more I thinks about that day the more I felts disgusted about myself...My every spoken words against you, my every inhuman act , everything comes infront of me and it taunt me...
You know what hurt me the most? The look on your eyes... I expected pain, anger, sadness, moisture in your eyes but there was nothing...it was only cold and calm rejection...You and your entire being were rejecting me and forcing me to leave the place which you gave me willingly...
I saw the way the light in your eyes just went off and a blankness engulf you....
You had taken every arrow that I threw towards your way... how could you Khushi without an ounce of showing pain in your face? ? I saw everything Khushi... the way your joyous face became pale, I saw you taking trouble breath, I even saw you to open your mouth for one single second... but again you hold yourself back...
Believe me or not but that was the moment I realised that you are right and I am wrong... so so wrong... even before confronting with your friends or facing the proof, I already knew I am your sinner...
A sinner who wants your forgiveness...
Will you ever able to forgive me Khushi? Rationally you should not but ... I am ranting the same things again and again and again... What to do Khushi, you are the only one for whom I am still alive...
I really understood the truth that how much I love you, just after I lose you due to my crime... but Khushi I truly love you, believe me please..
You know, everyone is assuming that due to my guilt I am waiting for you.. that's not true Khushi... yes, guilt is there, shame is there but that does not mean, they all can ignore my Love what I hold for you...
Probably Aman is right... My love for you is Toxic... poisonous... as toxic as I am for you....
Do you still remember me Khushi?? The destroyer of your life??
You truly had identified me in our initial encounters... I am a Rakshash .....
But I am your Rakshash... I was and will be always yours...
Please come back once...just once...
Arnav..."
" Entry 147...Day 180....
31st December , 2013.....
Khushi,
How are you? Hope you are a better place now, of course you will be, because you are away from me...if you are ever going to read my diary then you should know that I am not doing well Khushi...infact I am not living... yes, I am definitely breathing but my soul had died the day I crushed you under my huge ego...
I had stop writing for so long... because I slowly understood that there is no way you will ever read this entry... infact few days back I again did a stupidity... I accidentally gulp down the entire strip of medicines; I mean my antidepressant drug...
Yes, I am on those antidepressant drugs since the time I hospitalized precisely after coming back from coma... and few days before I got discharged from hospital... my therapist and psychologist declared me "better" and then I came back to RM...
But your eyes, your those blank eyes on that day of your birthday, came back haunting me... I don't know what had gotton over me, that I accidentally consumed the medicines...
"Accidentally,"
Yes... that was the words which Akash bhai told towards my therapist and everyone also knew that.. But I knew better... I again tried to commit suicide but again failed...such a failure I am, is not it Khushi ?? ... It's better that you are away from me, at least now you can live your life successfully... you are saved from the darkness of mine...
Khushi, you know maa had taken a promise from me when I woke up from coma, that I would never ever try to commit suicide.. But I failed her again.. I did not able to keep the promise...
How could I keep the promise Khushi?? When I know that I will never able to live with you again??
Khushi....
I again tried to commit suicide yesterday night, you know... But something happened... I saw you... I know I sounds ridiculous but I saw you... You were holding my hands.... you were crying when I was taking my last breath...
Then I jolted from my dream... yes, it was a dream but it seems so real...
But I understood something very important Khushi last night... I am still now just thinking about myself but I never thought of you, that's why I tried committing suicide again and again.. Is not it?
How on earth I forgot that your and mine heart beats together?? How I forgot that if I took the easy escape then I will be again putting you in the abandonment...
Yes, it's true I am selfish but I could not be selfish anymore...
I PROMISE YOU TODAY, THAT I WILL NEVER TRY TO COMMIT SUICIDE AGAIN...
I know you may be smiling mockingly thinking that 'promise and Arnav'... he will never be able to keep that promise.. but I will prove you wrong KHUSHI, this time I will prove you wrong...
I will keep myself safe, I will try to overcome from my weakness, I will ... For you...
I will wait for you for my entire life.. because I know nobody but you can understand me truly... I had crushed your heart under my ego and misjudgment... but I know with that every crushed pieces of heart, still you care for me.. that's why I dreamed of you ...Khushi...
I know I had crushed you but believe me, I am broken too.. And with those pieces of my brokenness and every failure, still I am yours... I will be yours...
I will wait for you Khushi...
For your forgiveness, for your come back, probably for your LOVE...
This time, I will definitely keep my promise...
Believe me...
Will you??
----Forever your's Arnav"
Khushi sat on the floor looking at her surroundings. The diaries are shattered over the floor, open pages are as if looking at her. Khushi looked at all those with her blank eyes. There is no traces of tears but they are red with unshed tears...
Forgetting about her surroundings, Khushi was facing her past which can again shatter her present or may be reform her future...
The hardest part was to accept the fact that Arnav had loves her.. she had been loved by the man whom she had loved dearly and still loves....
Will love remain as toxic in their life
or
They will again get " Another Chance?"
To be contd...
***************************
Author note:
Hello, lovely people over here...Hope You all are doing well..
Here is the next part of this FF,Chapter 35 "Silent Whisper"..
So, Finally Payal is here .. I was always remain silent when my readers express their feelings regarding Payal.... now please share your view..
And here, Arnav's diary's glimpse... what do you think about it?
Do you think now Khushi's decision will change after knowing about Arnav's suicidal attempt?
Share you view please....
Read my other Arshi story named, " Beauty and The beast", " Sweetheart" and "Rising Phoenix".. Please check it and share your opinion.
And TS is posted based on Sheetal track named, " It's too late" and on Diwali track named, "Come back please", have a look. Besides the three OS.. Please read them if you have time..
Waiting for your review regarding this chapter.... Thank you for reading this story..
Love and Regards..
Your story teller
Mamree
05.03.2020