Force Destiny

Communication

Rey sighed deeply into the warmth of Kylo's arms, drifting in the comforting lull of their bond, waiting for the Force to inevitably separate them. At some point, he had turned from his side onto his back. His arm held her tightly against his side as he stared up at the ceiling, lost in thought. It seemed like an eternity before either of them said anything. Rey wondered if they lay there long enough if the entire galaxy around them would disappear.

No Jedi, no Sith, no Resistance, no First Order, no war – just Ben and Rey, together, safe in our bond.

She lifted herself onto her elbow to study him; her hand was on his chest to support her weight. His dark, burning eyes were filled with pain and longing, and for the first time since they were bonded, she knew why. She had been on the other side; she had seen his life through those eyes. She told him she had understood him in the hut, but she realized now, she hadn't understood him at all. Had he ever truly understood her? He thought he did.

But so had she. She had known what his uncle had done and knew it contributed to his fall. It was simpler when there was someone to blame, when one choice could have prevented it all. But from the moment he was born, he lived in the shadow of a man he could neither become nor escape. His entire life had been a series of events that culminated in his fall. How could she fix that? How could she help him before it was too late?

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Kylo asked, breaking the heavy silence. His stare was still fixed on the ceiling.

"I was wondering how many times a boy can be called a monster before he believes it," Rey said softly, tentatively allowing her hand to follow the ridge of his collarbone, wondering if he would push her away. The ache was heavy in her heart. She had witnessed the loss of his mother, she couldn't stand imagining the moment he shut her out again.

I don't want to lose you.

"I am a monster." His voice was tight, and even if she didn't have the bond, she would have heard the truth of it. The bond was open, however, and not only did she hear it, but she felt it all. There was an agony inside him she could feel squeezing her own chest. "I killed my mother."

"Ben, that's not your burden to bear," she whispered, her hand settling over his pounding heart. "She knew she was dying; she just wanted to see you one last time, and she did. She said what she needed to say."

"Did she suffer?" he choked.

I wish you could have been there. I wish you could have shared her last moments with her. Maybe you would have seen how loved you are.

The idea settled over her like a warm beam of sunlight bursting through the clouds. She grabbed his wrist and brought his hand up to her temple.

"You can see, Ben... if you want to." His eyes widened with the understanding of exactly what she was offering him. She knew his father's dying face haunted him, but she trusted that witnessing Leia's death would be different. He nodded hesitantly, his heart conflicted. He blinked back tears, and his lips trembled in anticipation.

Rey closed her eyes and thought back to that moment at Leia's bedside after he had shut her out again. She felt his consciousness accessing her memory. It was agonizing for her to relive, but she suffered through it for him... and Leia. It was how he had felt, after all, when she forced him to relive his most painful memories. It was worth it to give him closure, something she feared she would never have in her own parents' deaths. At least she hoped it would give him closure, his emotions were... tumultuous. His sharpest reaction was to his mother's last words.

I love my son, Leia said in her final moments, and I still believe he has light left in him. But if losing Ben to darkness was the key to saving this galaxy, then I would choose that over watching my Jedi son die with the Resistance at the hands of another empire. So would Han. Maybe that was why the Force chose us to be his parents.

Rey feared what those words would do to him. Had she been wrong to show him? Would Leia's last words only serve to push him further away? Something happened, however, as her energy dissipated into the Force. The bond was overflowing with sorrow and regret, but also gratitude, peace, and love. The heaviness of his presence in her mind seemed less burdened.

As the memory faded when his cloak dropped onto the empty bed, another memory emerged. Rey wasn't certain whether it was her doing or his. The memory was a moment she had thought about endlessly in the past few weeks, she knew every detail by heart.

Kylo reached across the galaxy to touch his fingertips to hers over the fire in that little hut on Ahch-To. A spark of energy passed between them, and for a brief moment, she was transported away from his sympathetic eyes. There were only brief snippets of a future, but the emotions were clear. She knew then the feelings she felt for this man were not meant for an enemy. The first flash was sand... then snow... a lake... then trees... his open palm, bare and outstretched... him standing beside Finn and Poe, weapon raised... her head on his shoulder... lightning... him standing to face Snoke... his carefree smile... ink written carefully on paper... deft fingers switching the falcon's controls... a boy's laugh... a pair of dice exchanging hands... a twin sunrise... an indigo hued kiss... his eyes bright with love, purpose and hope... and a blue, crossguard lightsaber. The emotions of the brief flashes were bright and hopeful. She had believed then that they would never have to be alone again.

She had been wrong.

There was nothing clear that was proof he would turn, or when, it was only a future that inspired hope. It validated the feelings that she had been developing for him, convincing her that if she went to him, he would turn. For her. It convinced her there was a future where they could be together. It had not turned out the way she had hoped.

The memory continued in her mind. The vision faded as Luke entered, shouting. Her fight with Luke in the rain played out in front of them. She wondered why he cared to witness it. Kylo knew she left Luke behind on Ahch-To. He fixated on their fight, of course, but also the moment she said, then he's our last hope. His hand was shaking uncontrollably against her, his response to the mere sight of Luke still visceral, but he did not sever the connection until it was over.

Rey opened her eyes, but his were still shut. Tear streaks stained his cheeks. He was quiet for a long time, minutes ticking by like hours, but she stayed silent. She feared she brought him more pain. The shields around his emotions were high, but she could still sense the hurricane of emotions raging behind them.

"Ben, say something," she whispered. He finally raised his eyes to meet hers.

"You..." he said finally, "You defended me, you fought him. For me. Why?"

She shook her head, brows pinched in confusion. Why did he care about Luke? She was angry after Luke had interrupted them. She was angry after she discovered what he had done to his own nephew. He wouldn't help her save the people who needed him. Of course, she fought him. After everything that happened following her confrontation with Luke, she hadn't considered its relevance to him. "Luke didn't believe in you like I did," she said. "Like I still do. If I had been at that temple, I would have believed you, I would have defended you."

His jaw hardened, and he shook his head. His emotions spiked again over the bond. She knew it was a sensitive subject, so she refocused his attention back to the other memories he witnessed. "What about the vision? And your mother?"

The moment she mentioned his mother, something flashed in his eyes. "Don't," he warned, his voice cracking with emotion. "Not now, I can't..."

She closed her eyes for a moment, breathing deeply to center herself. He had been more open with her than ever before, and she had hoped it was her chance to finally get through to him. She swallowed her disappointment, feeling his barriers slowly close off his side of the bond.

She was losing him.

"Ben, please, don't shut me out," she begged, striving to convey through her eyes just how significant their open bond had been to her. "Don't leave me alone again, please."

"Why?" There was a resentful edge to his voice. His stare was fixed above him, and he swallowed apprehensively before continuing. "Why are you here, Rey? What do you want from me? You scream at me, tell me the galaxy is better off without me, use me to save your friends, then try to kill me. All of that I understand. I deserve that. But this..."

I don't understand this.

His voice faded as they both tried to put to words what exactly had happened between them. Neither had bent to the will of the other. From an outsider's perspective, nothing had changed. But Rey knew after what they had shared through the bond, there was something there that hadn't been there before.

"Okay, I'm just going to say it," she said, pressing herself up again so she could study his eyes. "I know there's nothing I can say to convince you of the truth, but you are worth it for me to try." There was a flash of confusion in his eyes then. It was as if he could not comprehend being worth anything to anyone.

"I'm sorry, Ben – for everything I did to you. I realized after you shut me out how awful I have been. And I am not excusing the awful things you do, because you have done truly awful, awful things. I mean, awful, and I can say that because I know that's not who you are. I thought I would never forgive you. And I know you will never forgive yourself. But I want to forgive you, and I'm trying, and I know the person that did those things is not who you are." As Kylo stared above him, she studied the hard line of his jaw and wondered which part upset him more; that he had done terrible things or that she knew he was better than what he had done.

"All I can ask," she continued, her voice heavy with the weight of her regret, "is that you try to forgive me, too. I said awful things. I did awful things to you. I betrayed you and became just like everyone else in your life. I didn't realize how much bringing you to your mother would hurt you. I didn't fear the darkness, and I almost lost us both because of it. I don't know what else to say that could make this right... I'm sorry. I know it's just words, but I truly am. I'm sorry if you thought I was using you to save my friends, and maybe I was, but it wasn't my intention. I wanted to save you, Ben – not only for the Resistance, or the galaxy, or your mother, or even me, but for you. Because I..." She let her voice trail off before her words started down the dangerous path of her complicated feelings for him. In her silence, his gaze found hers.

"I believe the Force brought us together because we understand each other in ways no one else can. We were supposed to be the one person the other could trust, and we betrayed that, but it's not too late learn from our mistakes. I know I am asking too much for your forgiveness. You wouldn't forgive your family for their betrayal; why would you forgive your enemy? But I would always regret it if I didn't try." Kylo studied her eyes for a moment, searching for something. Not that he needed to; the truth was waiting in her open side of the bond. When he didn't ask the question in his eyes, she continued.

"To answer your question – without all the rambling – I came here because I want to be here for you. You don't have to be alone anymore if you choose not to be. From the moment we touched hands, I knew I didn't want to lose you, Ben. I've been so angry because I was disappointed. It tears me apart to have my loyalty to you and my friends pull me in two different directions. But I'd rather suffer that than have you hate me. Every moment I have spent without you in the bond has been the loneliest of my life. I won't take that for granted again. But I understand if you don't want me to stay."

Part of her still couldn't explain what it was that made her fight for him. If he had been anyone else, she would have walked away long ago. She didn't know why the Force had chosen to connect them, knowing she would have given up on him as everyone else had, but she wouldn't give up on him now. She had never felt this way for anyone, never cared to.

It had only ever been him.

As he searched her eyes for the truth, she feared the worst. The damage had been done. She had meant what she said; why would he forgive her when he refused to forgive the people he loved? When he shut her out, she would know she tried. They had weathered the dark hours after Leia's death together; it would have to be enough.

He chewed his lip before responding. "I want you to stay," he rasped. With those words, it felt like the weight of the world had fallen away.

His fingers tightened on her back instinctively, and only then did he notice he was touching her. He jolted as if she were made of lightning, and his hands dropped away. His words and his hands were at war, and she didn't know what to believe. As if responding to her fear, she heard his thoughts pass across her mind like a whisper.

I could never hate you, and you have nothing to be forgiven for. I don't deserve any of this.

Knowing he believed that released the floodgate to a new set of tears. "I know you, Ben," she said, holding his stare. "I've been inside that deep, chaotic mind of yours. You deserve so much more than the path you've lived and the awful things done to you."

Please let me in.

He answered by cautiously lifting his arm in invitation, his eyes wide and hopeful. She slid back into his warm embrace. Her tears pooled on his heated skin as she rested her head on his chest. He didn't seem to mind as his arm moved to wrap around her, gentle with hesitation. The steady thrum of his heart dried her tears; each beat pumped a renewed promise through her veins, vowing that as long as that heart gave life to him, it gave life to hope.

A calm settled over him, too, settling his raging emotions, when a light – his light – passed between them. As the warmth settled in their connection, his grip tightened around her. His strong arms held her against him, leaving her feeling safe, valued, and wanted. She smiled.

I know who you are, Ben Solo, she repeated in her mind. I feel your light. She knew he heard it; her mind was completely open to him.

"I don't even know me, Rey," he whispered into her hair, his voice laced with deep emotion. They were both quiet for a moment, pondering the depths of his admission.

Don't be afraid, I know who you were, show me who you are.

She had learned to understand the man who died that night at the temple, or at least, somewhere in the horrors of Snoke's training. And she knew who he was deep in his soul; a truth he did not have the power to hide. She also knew, however, that there was another side of him, a side that she liked to pretend didn't exist. Kylo Ren was who that monster wanted him to be. But she would be a fool to believe that there wasn't a part of him who wanted to rule the galaxy and destroy those that opposed him.

She wanted to know that dangerous, powerful man – her enemy – the man who chose power over her, but the same man who held her as if she was his very life source. She wanted to know the man caught somewhere between Kylo Ren and Ben Solo. She wanted to know everything about him. To do that, she had to push past the assumptions and ask him anything...everything...until he finally understood. Somehow, she knew this time he would answer.

I'm not afraid, his thoughts echoed across the bond. But you will be.

Rey knew this was her chance. There was something like longing in his eyes. From the very beginning, he wanted her to know him. She just had to convince him to trust her when he had every reason not to. She lowered herself down next to him again. She rested her head on his chest so she could fully wrap her arms around him. His pulse beat wildly against her cheek. Holding him tightly, she hoped she showed him that – no matter what – she would stay. "I want to know everything about you, even the bad things. I want to understand, Ben."

It was everything she wanted from the others – understanding – and with the spike of his emotions at that word she knew he felt the same. She could feel the fear, but, underneath, she felt his hope. "Ask me anything," he whispered.

"Anything?"

The deep baritone of his voice resonated against her cheek. "Anything that is mine to tell. I'm done hiding from you, Rey."

She considered his answer for a moment. "My parents..."

His entire torso moved with his sigh. "...is not my story to tell."

"Then at least admit that you lied – you didn't kill them." He was quiet, though she knew his thoughts were loud. She only wished she was privy to them.

He spoke slowly to control the resentment in his tone, but she felt it through his skin. "I never lied to you."

She had never wanted to be back inside his mind more than that moment. She knew logically he couldn't have killed them, but everything about his words sounded true. He had never lied to her before; why would he lie to her about something that would make her hate him? If he wouldn't answer the question that burned in her mind, then she craved to know why; why he would kill them or why he would lie to her, whichever turned out to be the truth.

"Will you lower the barriers in your mind again? I want to know all your thoughts, not just the ones you choose to say." His body tensed underneath her, and her hope dimmed. He may not have said the words, but his swift withdrawal to his side of the bond made it clear he would not share that openness with her again.

You're not done hiding from me, are you, Ben?

Silence stretched between them in her disappointment and his stonewalling.

"Compromise?" Kylo suggested hesitantly. "I need... I'm not ready to share everything in my head with you. But what if I promise to answer anything and share the thoughts I don't usually say?"

She smiled and nodded against him in agreement. "Don't blame me if you don't like what you hear," he added softly.

Where do I start?

She knew it wasn't a moment to waste on questions about childhood hobbies or favorite colors. Though she was quite confident she could guess the color. She didn't know how long their connection would last – they had already been together longer than they ever had before – and she didn't know if she would ever have the chance again.

Rey tilted her head to rest on his shoulder so she could examine his expression. "After everything he did to you, why did you stay with Snoke?"

He eyed her in resignation, arching an eyebrow at her bold first question. He chewed his lip in reluctance to answer, but she was pleasantly surprised when he acquiesced. "He was the only person who ever believed in me. Without him... I was nothing. I owed him everything."

Even after witnessing his memories, knowing that he saw the galaxy differently than she did, Rey wasn't prepared for an immediate divergence in their beliefs. Not over something she thought was simple to see. She didn't understand how he could believe those lies. His family made mistakes, but they believed in him. They never gave up on him; though he hadn't realized it then, certainly he saw that now. Rey believed in him, but Snoke didn't. That was obvious after what the monster did with the bond. Rey tried to hide her frustration with his answer. He had been honest and open; she couldn't condemn him for an answer she didn't agree with.

"But he used you. He tortured you."

"There are more painful ways to torture someone than a little Force lightning," he answered flippantly, though his expression was solemn, his eyes dark. "It wasn't torture, it was training. I was used to it. I deserved it."

Rey closed her eyes and slowed her breathing, forcing her darkness away. It would be so easy to allow the darkness to soothe her, but she would never make that mistake again. She focused on his heartbeat under her fingers until the anger ebbed. Opening her eyes, she only felt empathy and compassion that her bondmate truly believed he deserved to suffer. "Ben, what he did to you – "

"I don't want pity, especially not from you," he warned, his teeth clenched as he tried to temper his anger. "I know the torment you've suffered. What you saw in my memories... right or wrong, I chose to join him. What he did to me was necessary, it made me stronger. It was nothing."

The darkness was growing stronger, becoming more difficult to keep at bay. The images of what he suffered crashed through her mind unbidden, and the fierce protectiveness she had felt over him in his memories returned. "I saw what he did to you. I felt it. Don't you dare say that was nothing. You begged for death. If he wasn't dead, I would kill him myself."

His face softened at her declaration, his eyes still wounded, but appreciative. "I survived."

"I don't understand..." she said, her voice still heavy with emotion, but the darkness abated as she stared into the warmth in his eyes. "You were so angry with your parents for lying and abandoning you, at Luke for betraying you, but what Snoke did to you when you joined him was worlds worse."

He was quiet, but she waited patiently as the moments stretched. No one had questioned him like this before, and she would force him to face it. "Did you ever think that maybe I can't forgive them because they are the reason I turned to Snoke?" his voice was low and strained with the admission. She was breaking through his defenses, layer by layer. "Did you ever think that if I hated him, too, then my whole life would be meaningless? I would have no purpose."

Her eyes filled with sorrow. "Is having no purpose worse than torture?"

"Yes," he whispered. "His training made me stronger."

"No, I felt your powerful light in your memories. Ben was stronger." She was adamant but not unkind. There was no doubt in her mind, after fighting as him in his memories, and fighting against him on Starkiller; suppressing the light suppressed his natural strengths.

"Ben was weak," Kylo scoffed. "He believed the lies of his family. He was too trusting and hopeful. He allowed himself to be betrayed. He nearly fell to his own uncle's hand."

"Kylo was weak." Rey knew she risked him reacting with volatility, but she also knew her only chance to save him was to force him to see the truth. "He believed Snoke's lies. He remained loyal to his master, allowing himself to be tortured and torn apart until he didn't know who he was anymore. Snoke was possessive and jealous and cruel, but Kylo didn't realize how he was being used. Kylo would have fallen to Snoke's hand, had he not found enough light in himself to kill his master."

"He gave me a chance at a destiny worth fulfilling."

Enough about destiny. What if the destiny everyone has decided for us is wrong? What if you are not supposed to be another Vader? What if I am not supposed to be the Jedi who defeats Kylo Ren?

Rey was sick of hearing about destiny. What if the destiny the others had decided for them was wrong? What if he was not supposed to be another Vader? What if she was not supposed to deliver the fate of Kylo Ren? How could the Cosmic Force will her to be abandoned by her family, will him to feel betrayed by his, destine them both to a life of suffering – even if part of that suffering was self-imposed – and then bond them together so they could kill each other? Why would the force care about her? She wasn't a Skywalker; she was a nobody. "Do you even believe in destiny?"

He huffed a humorless chuckle. "Do you?"

"It's difficult to believe in when the vision of the future I saw on Ahch-To was a lie." She could feel the tears stinging in her eyes again, the disappointment from the throne room returned. He was supposed to turn, the vision had foretold it, but he refused her.

He hummed.

"Visions in the Force are difficult to read," he replied, pointedly avoiding addressing what she had seen or what he did. "I do believe that there are no absolutes in life, even prophesies."

"Does that mean you don't believe visions?" She wasn't sure what she hoped his answer would be. She had believed in destiny when the Force showed her a future of belonging with him, but her latest vision of losing Finn terrified her. She wouldn't allow it to come true.

"I believe they can show the future," he said, choosing his words carefully. "But we interpret visions based upon past experiences, and our judgments are biased by those experiences. So the vision could be realized in the future, but not necessarily in the way we interpreted it."

Do you or don't you?

The ambiguity of his answer was irritating. He reminded her of his uncle. "If you believe that visions show the future, then you must believe in destiny?"

"I'm as conflicted about destiny as I am about everything else," Kylo said with a humorless huff. "Once I joined Snoke, I believed I was always destined to fall; this path had been fated to me before I was even born. I still believe my destiny is forever linked to my grandfather."

"But you're not you're grandfather."

Kylo stared up at the ceiling, studying it raptly as if it held answers. "If I did not have Skywalker blood in my veins, do you think my parents would have feared my powers like they did? Do you think Luke would have tried to kill me? Do you think Snoke would have searched for me? No. I know now I am nothing more to them than my grandfather's legacy. So perhaps I was always going to fall to darkness. And you were always going to find the light because you're... you."

What is that supposed to mean? You said I had no place in this, and I was nothing to this story.

"You survived abandonment, starvation, and slavery," he continued, "and yet you're forever hopeful. You were always meant to be good, so the inverse is true. 'Darkness rises and light to meet it' – we were always going to collide. But after that last vision, there's a part of me that wants to believe I have a choice, that I am fighting for something. The Force has a will, the Force connected us, and I know the part I play in this was not meant for a happy ending. Since the moment I met you, I knew that you would be the one to deliver my fate. But I have to believe that if there is an ultimate destiny, I can alter what happens before I reach it. Otherwise, what's the point?"

"I agree, Ben," she said, hope blooming in her heart that he wanted change. "I believe we can still make the right choice. You weren't destined to fall; I felt your light with Dev and Jacen. It was what happened with your uncle, his choice, that led to your fall. So if my destiny truly is to play a part in your fate, then we can change it, right? We can change our destiny by making different choices. So what choice do we make to save you?"

He exhaled slowly. "Only the Force has the answer to that, Rey. The choices we think are right could very well lead to the fate we are trying to prevent. Luke made the choice to kill me for the greater good, to stop me from falling to darkness and prevent this exact destiny from occurring. Instead of changing fate, he ensured it. Or Snoke. He feared my compassion for you long before I admitted it to myself. He feared the sentiment would lead to a betrayal like Vader, so he demanded I kill you. And he fell to the very fate he was trying to prevent. You may think that the only way to save me is for me to defect and join the Resistance. But I warn you, Rey, that choice to save me could very well lead to my death by the First Order or even the Resistance. We will never know what the right choice is. All I do know is that every choice made as the result of a vision is ultimately the wrong one."

There was an undertone of bitterness when he spoke again. "In our visions, you thought I would turn, I thought you would stand by me. Either the destiny we saw was wrong or the choices we made were. Visions are impossible to read."

He seemed focused that it had not come to pass as he'd hoped, but she only found more hope in his argument. "Ben, if the visions were real, then you're right, the choices we made changed them. We changed the future, which means we can do it again." We can save Finn. "Did you have another vision when I touched your hand?" Her mind recalled to his appearance in that corridor in her vision. Fear in his eyes, but also...hope.

"Yes."

"Do you think it is the future?" Rey's heart was conflicted. She desired the vision of Kylo to be true, but the body under the blanket... the thought of losing one her best friends, was frightening. Was it a warning? Would someone she loved be lost by his hand? Could he save himself and save her best friend in the process? Or would she be faced with a choice – an impossible choice?

His voice was barely a whisper when he answered. "I saw..." He exhaled with a shudder, trying to force himself to say it. "I saw you fall to darkness, Rey." Fear trickled through her. She had forced away the darkness since then; surely that had to change something. His eyes finally shifted back to hers in his promise. "If it is real, then I will do everything in my power to stop it from coming true. I won't let you fall, Rey."

You do regret it.

"You mean, you won't let me fall like you?" she asked boldly. The tenderness in his eyes hardened. "I meant what I said before; I wish I could have been at the temple, Ben."

"No." She didn't know whether he was arguing with her or reassuring her. Maybe both. "Don't be naïve, Rey. You would have been disappointed like you were in the throne room when you couldn't save me. If you were there... it wouldn't have been any different than Dev or Tionne or Jacen." The names sounded rusted on his lips. It was quite possible he hadn't spoken them aloud in years. "You saw what happened to them. You would have fallen too, either by death or to darkness."

"But Jacen could have helped you! I would have helped you –"

"Perhaps now that you know how it turned out," he said. "But even if you were at that temple, even if you could have made a difference, you couldn't have known how it would end. You wouldn't have known how to help. Just imagine what you would change if you could go back to when we first met? It's no different. You couldn't have done anything. You would have been asleep in your hut when my uncle tried to kill me, just like the others. You couldn't have stopped Cade. You couldn't have prevented Dev's death. You couldn't have silenced Snoke in my head. Nothing you could have done, aside from killing me, would have helped me. You would have either joined me or died, too. That is why the Force ensured you weren't there."

Would she have done anything differently? Without everything she knew, would she have believed him? Would she have been able to convince him to stop? Rey remembered the desire for revenge she felt that night on Starkiller. If she had held Finn as he died, would she have killed Kylo? If she had been at that temple and watched him be betrayed by other Jedi, would she have done anything different than Jacen? They had been simple answers before. Now she wasn't so certain. "I would have helped you sooner, when you were a child. I would have protected you from Snoke, I would have shown you that you weren't alone."

His eyes lost focus as he considered her assertion. "No, it wouldn't have mattered."

"You're so sure."

"Yes, Rey, I am," he said, his voice tight with emotion. "No matter what, I was born with my grandfather's blood in my veins. Even if you were there, my parents would have lied to me. They would have feared my darkness. Snoke would have found me. My parents would have abandoned me. Luke would have tried to kill me. And I would have turned. Nothing you or Dev or Jacen or Alema or Tionne could have done would change that."

The tears were swelling again, but she still held desperately onto the hope that the Force had shown her those memories for a reason. "Fine. If I couldn't have helped you before, maybe I still can now. I can do what Jacen couldn't do for you... and what you couldn't do for him."

Kylo was silent, but she knew whose memory had brought the pain to his eyes. Of all the memories that she witnessed, the loss of Jacen to darkness cut her as deeply as the Dev's death, because it had cut him as deeply. Everything that happened in his childhood paled in comparison to the pain she had felt – he had felt – when Jacen was lost to darkness.

Maybe the key to bringing Ben back to the light is to turn Jacen.

"It breaks my heart, Ben. You two were so close. It's not too late. We could save him, too. I'll help you..." she offered quietly.

"There is nothing left of Jacen to save, Rey. The Jacen I knew is gone. The Jacen I knew died that night at the temple with Dev," he exhaled an uneven breath, the pain evident in his voice. "Ben Solo did, too."

She thought about the memories she witnessed. She had seen the moment he had become Kylo, but believing that Ben Solo was gone was giving up hope in him. "You will never convince me that I am lying here in the arms of Kylo Ren."

"Why is that?" His voice was distant. She didn't have to search his eyes to know that his thoughts were somewhere else. She wished she could read his mind, but his barriers were high and strong. She nudged against his side of the bond, but he was unyielding.

"You may not see the change in you since we first met, but I do. You're different – a good different. You want to do the right thing; I know you do. There's nothing Kylo Ren about you, except maybe all these scars," she said, watching the twitch of expressions cross his face as her fingers wandered over the rough ridge of his visible scars.

His mind snapped back to the present, his eyes pinning her with their intensity. She certainly had his attention. He hummed to feign disinterest, but she could see nervous bob of the apple of his throat and feel the rapid thrum of his heartbeat.

Rey wondered if it bothered him that her fingers trailed over his bare skin, when his memories made clear his negative opinions on touch. She watched him carefully. He allowed it, as he had allowed her to touch his bare hand on Ahch- To, so she continued. "What are all these burns on your shoulders from?" She traced the wounds lightly with the tips of her fingers. He shuddered. There was something about touching him that was... thrilling, even when it was brushing over imperfections. They were his imperfections, and she wanted to memorize them all with her touch. Soothe them. There was a heated protectiveness she felt when she traced the grooves, even over the ones she had given him.

"Training droids." She sensed gratitude for the change of subject. Physical pain was an easier matter for him to discuss.

She, however, did not share his apathy toward imagining him in pain. "You use training droids that burn you?"

His voice was light, almost... amused. "Their lightsabers do, yes."

"Why?" Rey asked, truly curious. Was it the quick path to the darkness? Did he find twisted enjoyment in the pain?

"I learn faster."

She gently trailed her fingers over his chest, finding the ridges of old wounds hidden under the surface. The skin was smooth and soft; without touching him, she never would have known they were there. She supposed it was like the rest of him; there was far more to him beneath the surface. It was only when he let her close that she understood the truth.

As she traced them, she could almost feel the pain associated with each one, and the weight each burdened him to carry. "What are all these scars from?" Some she recognized, especially the fresh ones. Chewbacca's bowcaster had left a large one on his lower abdomen. Finn had left one on his shoulder, as had she. None compared to the other one she left.

"Punishment," he replied quietly. He closed his eyes and swallowed the emotions she felt surfacing in the bond.

"For what?"

"Failure." The scars were merely the physical manifestations of the emotional wounds that cut deeper than even she had suspected. She reached up to trace the scar on his face. Her scar. He recoiled at her touch, catching her wrist before she could pull away. She winced in pain as his grip tightened.

"Ben?" His eyes snapped open, and he immediately released her, the bond vibrating in horror of his visceral reaction.

"Rey? Did I hurt you?" he choked. "I don't know what..." His body was all at once clammy, and his heart stuttered rapidly underneath her. He pushed up on an elbow to reach for her, but she jerked away from him. She wanted to run, get as far away from him as possible. Not because of what he had done, but because of her guilt for causing that reaction. If she didn't feel as if that moment in his arms was their last chance, she might have run from her shame as she had done in the throne room.

When the impulse faded, she saw the remorse in his eyes and fully comprehended what she could have done if she had left. He wouldn't have seen it as her running from her shame, but running from him. It would have continued the misunderstanding and miscommunication to further deepen the chasm between them. Instead of continuing down the cycle that had been tearing them apart; she stayed. Her eyes were downcast in guilt as she finally spoke, "I shouldn't have... I don't know what I was... I'm sorry – for touching your scar and for being the one who caused it."

"No, no, Rey, it's not you," he assured her, dipping his chin so she would meet his gaze. "I didn't mean to panic. It's a reaction, sometimes, from... before. I thought that weakness was trained out of me years ago."

The heat of anger immediately ignited underneath her skin. "Snoke?" her voice wavered with the fire of her hatred toward the monster. Kylo simply nodded, refusing to speak the creature's name aloud. "What did he do to you?"

It was his turn to avert his eyes in shame. "I told you; Nothing I didn't deserve."

Remembering the instances of torture she had witnessed, and sensing he did not wish to relive those memories, she held her tongue. She didn't want to force him to relive it, either, nor did she want to know the depths of Snoke's depravity over the six or seven years he was in the creature's clutches, or the decades before when he was grooming him into the perfect apprentice. Rey sensed, however, that whatever the Force had shown her only skimmed the surface of what he'd endured. "Do you think you deserve the scar I gave you, too?"

"Yes," Kylo said, dropping onto his back from his propped-up position. "But this is not like my other scars. I didn't leave it as a reminder of my failure. It is the best thing that ever happened to me." He bit his lip to suppress a smile. But she saw it. The corners of his eyes crinkled. Slight dimples accented his blushing cheeks.

"How so?" She had expected anger and resentment, but the bond swelled with admiration and something else... something fleeting, but warm and steady. He tilted his head to the ceiling to avoid her stare.

"It reminds me of you," his tone was inexplicably amused. He was describing less of a painful reminder and more of a thrilling memento. Rey felt regret for what she had done, now that she knew him, but she sensed none from him. He had access to skin grafts and bacta to erase the scar. He could have treated it. She had wondered why he chose to live with something so noticeable and permanent.

He left it not as a reminder of failure, but a reminder of... me?

"You want to be reminded of me?" Her voice sounded breathless, and she averted her gaze, twisting her fingers through the hem of her grey tunic. "Why?"

He studied her for a moment, before forming a captivated interest in the structure of the ceiling. Before Kylo could respond, she decided she didn't want to know the answer. "When you think of me, what's the first thing you think of?" she asked instead. It was still bold, yes, and dangerous. She had left herself vulnerable, and she feared he would notice. He could hurt her with his response, though she would not dwell on why. He pleasantly surprised her when he exchanged her vulnerability for his own.

"Your eyes," he said without hesitation. "Sometimes they're warm brown. Sometimes they're fierce green. It's your light, I think. You look at me, and I hate it, but your light finds my darkest shadows. And as much as I try to destroy it, it remains. Your name suits you and your eyes. Bright and hopeful, like the sun." Her breath caught in her throat. His mother's words replayed in her mind. Mostly to herself, but audible enough for him to hear, she repeated those words.

"Hope is like the sun," she whispered. "If you only believe in it when you see it..." Kylo inhaled sharply, his fervent stare finding hers in an instant. She watched him mouth the rest of the words. He turned toward her slowly, searching her eyes answers.

"Where did you hear that?" his voice trembled. The cadence of his heart danced rhythmically against her open palm on his chest. Her pulse spiked with the hope that his mother was right.

"Your mother..." Rey breathed, searching his expression carefully. His face was stoic, but his eyes were fireworks of emotion. A shadow settled onto his features.

"Of course, Leia is... was forever hopeful. She loved that quote. But it is hard to believe in the sun when the darkness never ends." There was darkness in his voice to match his words. In a moment of vulnerability, he had turned to the comfort of the dark, but she persisted. She had to know the truth.

"I heard she learned it from you, Ben," she said. His lips parted, his eyes dilated, and his breathing quickened. He couldn't temper the fear swelling in the bond.

He knows. He remembers.

"It was the naïve ramblings of a weak little boy." The answer was quick... almost rehearsed. She sensed the words were not his own, but she also knew they were words forged from his agitation. That could only mean one thing; he knew something, and she was breaking through.

She wouldn't allow Snoke to continue his influence from the grave, on either of them. "Was it or was that what he wanted you to believe? If that was true, why would you hide it from me?"

"Hide what?"

"Do you remember the lullaby 'Mirrorbright?'" she asked, pinning him under her hand and stare. She wouldn't let him avoid this answer. Kylo shuddered underneath her palm; it was all the answer she needed.

Why didn't you tell me?

"You do," she said. It wasn't a question. "I don't have any memories of when I was a little girl, but I do remember a lullaby from my dreams. I used to hum it to myself on lonely nights, waiting for my family."

"I heard that lullaby in your memories, Ben. And imagine my surprise when your mother just gave me a music box with that very Alderaanian lullaby. How would an orphan on Jakku know a lullaby from a planet that was destroyed decades before she was even born?"

"I don't..."

"No, Ben, you said you never lied to me; well, don't you dare lie to me now," she said, silencing his attempt at an alternative explanation. "When we first met, you looked and talked to me like I should know you. On Starkiller, you said, 'It is you,' and I didn't understand it then, not until I talked to your mother. You saw that little girl in a vision a long time ago, didn't you? And you sang her a lullaby." He swallowed, preparing his words, stalling. "Didn't you, Ben?"

Kylo's defenses fell.

"I convinced myself you weren't real," he murmured. "It wasn't like the bond, but there was this girl in my dreams, for as long as I could remember. She was so lonely, and the nightmares kept her awake, like me. So I sang to her, like Leia would sing to me sometimes when I couldn't sleep. I didn't know what else to do for the girl. Even in her torment, she worried about me. She always said the same things; she was worried about me, she wanted to help me, she would call for me, asking where I was. I had no control when I would see her in my dreams, but she seemed to show up after the worst nightmares. She had sunshine eyes, and Leia would call her my 'ray of hope' in the darkness. Well, until I was fifteen years old. Then she was gone. She abandoned me like everyone else. When I was older, at Luke's... at the temple, there was a flash in my dreams of an older girl's face. But it was just a flash, and it was hard to see her eyes in the blue light, so I started to convince myself she wasn't real. I tried to hold onto her hope, but after a while... the darkness won."

Rey knew logically that there were parts of the story that only made sense if she was the girl, but she didn't remember any of it. She didn't remember him. It hurt her to know that, what would it do to him? "And you think I was the girl?"

He pushed himself up to face her and nodded.

They both tensed as Rey sat up and shouted at him. "Why would you never tell me!" She reacted defensively. Perhaps she was angry he kept something considerably significant from her. Perhaps it was to mask the fear of the consequences of his words. They had been bonded by something far more consequential than an accident, long before Snoke.

He'd had more than enough opportunities to tell her. She had nearly killed him, and she would have never known. She immediately appreciated her insignificance in the size of the universe, but simultaneously recognized her significance in the intricately woven fate in the Force. It was important enough for the Force to ignite a chain reaction of events – beginning long before either of them were born – that undeniably led them to the present moment. Anxiety rose in her throat as she felt powerless to control her destiny. The implication of his dreams was all-consuming – and terrifying – to contemplate.

"This isn't something you keep from people, Ben! You didn't think that was worth mentioning?"

"When was I supposed–"

"I don't know, Ben, maybe when you knew?" she shouted, pushing away the darkness despite her anger. "Maybe when we first met? Maybe when you realized it was me before I cut you open on Starkiller? Maybe when we had our visions on Ahch-To? Maybe in the throne room when you were begging for me to join you? Or how about when you told me you killed my parents? On Kamino, or after Concordia, or in the forest or my temple room, or – Force! – anytime before I almost killed you! I deserved to know!"

"What was I supposed to say, Rey? 'I know we're enemies; you hate me so much that I physically repulse you and you call me a monster and try to kill me whenever you see me, but I used to have dreams about you before you were even born? You were the only light I held onto through years of darkness? I used to believe that finding you was my destiny?' Yeah, I am so sure that would have gone well," he spat sarcastically.

"Yes! Why couldn't you have said that? It's better than telling me that I'm nothing!"

"You're not nothing," his voice deep and low, his tone vehement. "What would you have done if I told you in the throne room? Would you have believed me? Would it have mattered? You still wouldn't have stayed..."

"No, I couldn't stay with the choice you made, but it would have changed everything between us sooner. I would have understood." Kylo rolled to his back and stared up into the darkness. He was quiet. She feared losing him to his thoughts.

"And I don't think you're a monster," she continued. "If you think I would fight for you, fly across the galaxy to an enemy ship, and lie here like this with you if I thought you were a monster... then you don't know anything about me. And if you think I am physically... repulsed... by you because I asked you to put on a cowl while I was trying to argue with you... then you don't know anything about women," she whispered.

She absent-mindedly trailed her fingers lightly across the expanse of his bare chest. He seemed warmer under her touch than he had a moment before. They both shivered, but he didn't pull away. His stuttered breath shocked her back to reality. Rey stilled her hand, quickly changing the subject. "How did you know I was that girl, Ben?"

He cleared his throat. "I was convinced the girl abandoned me like everyone else, but I never stopped thinking about her, even when Snoke told me it was all my imagination. I found myself searching for her energy among the crowds when I led my forces from world to world. Snoke tried to train it out of me, I tried to train it out of myself, but even at my darkest I was still searching for her. I had learned through Snoke's training how to destroy my memories, and I had decided when I returned to Snoke, I would remove every memory of her to finally prove my loyalty."

"The battle of Yashuvhu was my last mission before returning to the Supremacy. It was on that mission that I had a vision; I call it a vision because I don't know what else it could be. It had been more than a decade since I had last seen the girl, but I thought I saw her at the end of the battle when I stood with the other Knights. It was raining, and she disappeared too quickly to see her face, but I swear I knew that Force signature from somewhere. I thought perhaps I remembered it from a dream. If the girl from my dreams and the girl from my vision were the same, then it seemed like the key to... something... everything.

"When this vision appeared right before I planned to willingly forget the girl, I believed there was a purpose in the Force, one even my master couldn't see. I was not assigned the mission to retrieve the map, but I chose to go, to prove to myself that the Force wasn't guiding me with that vision. That it meant nothing. When I landed on Jakku, I didn't sense that signature in the Force, or I would have torn the world apart looking for her. I felt... an awakening... in the Force the following day, right before I heard that a girl had helped FN-2187 escape off Jakku, on the Falcon. It awakened something in me, something I had thought died a long time ago. I couldn't shake this tugging in the back of my mind that somehow, she was important. When I landed on Takodana in search of the map, it led me straight to you. I thought it had to be all connected.

"When you and I first met, I swore I recognized you as the vision from Yashuvhu, or at least your energy. In the interrogation room, I removed my mask, but you looked at me like a stranger. I was supposed to find the map, but I searched your memories instead. I was hoping to find the same dream from my childhood, from the girl's point of view. When I searched your mind, I was hoping to find... me."

"I only found dreams of an ocean and an island, memories of my... father. I began to think Snoke was right, it was all in my mind. But when you called my grandfather's lightsaber on Starkiller to avenge your friend – that fiery light in your eyes like the brightest sun– I knew it was you. I know it sounds crazy, but it was like I'd seen that moment before. When you accessed my training to defeat me, I knew that my fate was tied to yours. When we were bonded, I had hope. When I saw the vision in the hut, I was certain. You were that girl. That changed everything for me."

"But this whole time... and you never told me?" Rey tried to hide the emotion in her voice. "Would you ever have told me? Did I not deserve to know? I could have killed you and never known any of this..." Lying back down next to him, she pressed on his shoulder to encourage him to turn on his side and face her. He obliged. Lying on their sides facing each other made Rey feel even more vulnerable than before.

Kylo sighed heavily as he adjusted his body to lie comfortably. When he was finished, the air between them seemed thicker. He was silent for a moment as he allowed her to search for the truth in his eyes. "I knew for certain in the hut, but my uncle interrupted us before I could say anything. Then you showed up on the Supremacy, and I was more focused on what I had to do. In the throne room, I was just trying to convince you to stay. You didn't remember me. I knew the information I had about your parents would be more important to you than I would be. I thought that would be enough. And part of me was still worried Snoke had implanted that vision after what he said about using me to trap you. After that, it didn't matter, you left. I meant nothing to you, our bond meant nothing to you. Why would the past mean anything?"

"Isn't that my choice to make?" she murmured.

"I thought about it," he said. "I thought maybe I would tell you if you could ever look at me with anything other than hatred. I thought maybe I would tell you when it would mean as much to you as it does to me. I just... I didn't know what to make of it. I saw you in dreams my entire life, and then you showed up as my equal in the light. And you only knew me as a stranger, as your enemy. It made no sense, and I had no proof. You never saw me before Takodana, you didn't remember me. What I saw doesn't matter." His voice was even and calm, but there was a slight edge of pain. It did hurt him that she didn't remember.

"It's my fate, too. You should have told me, Ben, whether it scared you or not. I could have told you that even if I didn't remember the dreams you remember, I had visions about you, too."

His lips trembled in what she could only describe as relief. It gave her the courage to continue, knowing it would change everything between them. "Not as a child, I don't think, those dreams were more like whispers. I don't remember anything before my parents' ship flew away. I never felt the Force until I touched Luke's lightsaber on Takodana, minutes before I met you. That was when I had my first vision of you. What the Force showed me, it all concerned you. I saw you as a child in a corridor with Snoke, the burning of the temple, and in the snow on Starkiller. That was also when I saw you with the Knights of Ren on that planet in the rain, but it had to have been years after you were there. I don't understand any of it. The visions were more like nightmares to me, but maybe I just didn't know how to interpret them yet."

He let out a deep breath and closed his eyes. "I knew it. I knew it couldn't have been just me. This bond between us was never Snoke's doing, he only tapped into something that was already there. It was our destinies to meet, Rey."

Rey felt like every choice she had ever made had not been her own, but rather a predetermined stroke on some unfathomable canvas, and she was too close to see the whole painting. If everything had been predestined, could she save him? Could she save Finn? She stared at his face until his eyelids fluttered open. She searched his eyes for comfort in the uncertainty. "And that doesn't bother you?"

"It terrifies me."

Rey was quiet for a moment, before she whispered, "Well then, what does the Force want from us, Ben?"

"I don't know, yet. But if I have had visions of you my entire life, that has to mean something, right? We are enemies because we have been told we are supposed to be. But they don't know what we know. I can't see these visions, feel this bond and dream of you my entire life and still believe that our only destiny is to kill each other."

"I could have killed you, and you could have killed me," she reminded him, "so are you saying the Force intervened?"

"I think Crait was the closest I came to... to.... I felt so betrayed. I don't remember much after waking up to Hux instead of you in the throne room. But I would have regretted it once the darkness cleared. You were foolish to let me live."

She rolled her eyes and snorted. He truly was an enigma. "What about on Starkiller?"

"I could have," he confirmed. "I could have pushed you off that cliff. I didn't want to."

Rey couldn't help but smile. "Is that why you broke your 'never hesitate' rule?"

"Hmm..." His eyes tracked her smile before wandering over the rest of her face. "I have broken many of my 'rules' for you, but I told you on Starkiller, I wanted to teach you."

"The dark side?"

"Dark side or light side...it's all learning the ways of the same Force... don't forget that," he said. "I felt you access the Force to draw knowledge of training and fighting techniques from me. How is that any different? I wanted to teach you how to reach your full potential. You still don't realize it, even now. You can do unimaginable things."

"I've read most of Luke's Jedi texts, and they say the teachings of the light and the dark are very different –"

"Do you have the journal Science of Creating Life?" Kylo grasped her shoulder, his eyes wide as he searched hers intently. It wasn't the first time he learned she had the texts; he had taught her to read them, but he acted as if it was. Her breathing quickened with his. There was an urgency to his tone and almost ... hopefulness.

Her eyes narrowed. "Why?"

"I need it. It's important."

She wasn't certain she wanted to know what he would use it for, but she didn't want to offend him by asking. Still, she couldn't hide the suspicion in her eyes. "How important?"

"Life or death important." His own eyes were guarded, and she knew he would not reveal more. She wanted to press him, wanted to know why. If it was for the First Order, he wouldn't trust her with their secrets.

How important can one ancient book be?

She worried her lip as he studied her, waiting for her response, waiting for her to trust him. Could she? "If I give it to you, will you help me?"

Rey watched the disappointment fall over his features, but he nodded. "Yes." His voice was tight, almost sharp, when he answered her. She wondered what he believed she would ask.

Fiddling with the edge of her tunic, she worked up the nerve to ask him. Would he laugh? Would he be angry? She was still his enemy, after all. "Even if I ask you to help me rebuild a lightsaber?"

His expression softened and his voice lost its edge. "That I can do."

"Promise?"

"I promise, Rey," he assured her. The twitch of a smile played on the corner of his lips. She searched his eyes as he steadily held her gaze. It was the truth. He tenderly brushed a stray hair from her face, but immediately stiffened when he realized what he had done. He continued, eyes downcast, slightly abashed. "And I'll help you build one even if you don't trust me enough to give me that journal. You should know that. But you don't need to build one, you can take mine. I have the means to make another."

Rey understood the significance shrouded in his offer. A lightsaber was more than just personal, it was an extension of himself. To give her his lightsaber, was to give her himself. It was a connection to his very soul... and the last connection to Ben Solo. "You would give me your lightsaber?"

"Yes," he said. "Because of our bond, it will respond to you as does me, maybe even more." He summoned his lightsaber and handed it to her. She trailed her fingers over the grooves in the hilt, remembering how powerful it made her feel in the throne room... and standing above him.

She laid it reverently down next to him and watched his entire body tense as he braced for rejection. Without hesitation, she wrapped her arms around him. He tensed further, but didn't pull away. "The gesture means a lot to me," she whispered. "It really does, but I cannot accept it. You need it. It suits you. And it has a connection to you still, even if you believe it is gone. Maybe you can help me, rebuild this one or a new one, together?"

He nodded, distracted by her arms wrapped around him. It would take time, but she would teach him to enjoy a hug again. She would have tried to convince him to relax if she wasn't battling unease herself. The thought of building her own lightsaber was daunting. Logically, she knew she would have to intentionally dominate the crystal – she had watched him do it to his own – but she feared the color her crystal would be if she had to find a new one.

"Ben, I'm afraid. What if my crystal is red?"

Kylo pulled away from her embrace. "You're afraid? That I'll do to your crystal what I do to everything else I touch?" The words stung when formed by his lips. They were the same words she had screamed at him in her temple room as she threw droid parts at him. She swallowed the guilt tightening in her throat and shook her head. She wasn't concerned about his darkness; she feared her own.

"No, Ben, I'm afraid I won't be good enough. How do I know I'll pick the right one?" She could hear unease slipping into her voice. She knew he heard it, too. "How do I know what color it will be?" Tears blurred her vision, but she blinked them away. When she found his stare again, she found remorseful understanding.

Kylo soothed her fears by rubbing his thumb along the soft slope of her shoulder, though she was certain he wasn't conscious of it. He rarely touched her. "You will find a world with Kyber crystal caves, and the crystal will choose you. Crystals begin colorless, and when you form a bond with the crystal, the color of your crystal becomes what is inside of you. But it won't be red, I promise, not unless you bleed it like I did."

"But I have darkness. What if I bleed it accidentally?" Rey feared what the Resistance would do if her lightsaber was red. Would they force her to leave? What would she do? She could never be a Jedi.

"You won't," he reassured her. "I had darkness, but mine was blue. You saw my memories. What I did – it was no accident."

Rey was relieved for once by his logic, but she sensed the return of his self-directed resentment and shifted her focus to something less painful. "If I can't find a Kyber world and I fix this lightsaber, will it need crossguards?"

"Maybe," he said after a moment of thought. My crystal is cracked, which causes unstable thermal reactions and unstable heat. The quillons are lateral vents to divert the heat, otherwise it would explode. Which it did. Twice. Your crystal is broken, so theoretically it could work without the vents, but I don't know what it will do to the plasma in the chamber. You may need vents, but you've wielded mine, you'll be fine. I like it - it's more intimidating... and just as deadly." The memory of how deadly it could be flashed before her eyes. She was quiet as she attempted to force the images from her mind. She couldn't reconcile the violence that night on the skywalk and the man she was bonded to. She had asked him before, and she had seen his memories, she knew the answer. Did he? Did he regret it?

"Ben, why did you kill your father?" she whispered, voice trembling as she struggled to suppress her tears. She knew he was changing, she knew he wanted to change, but would he admit that to himself?

"Rey..." he warned, his voice heavy with emotion.

"You said I could ask anything."

His tone, his eyes, his side of the bond was pleading. "I don't want to fight you again. I don't want you to leave."

And I don't want you to shut me out again, but I have to know.

"I won't, I promise. I just want to understand why," she whispered. Kylo hesitated, shifting onto his back as his eyes wandered away from her. Unsteady breaths escaped his quivering lips, his muscles contracted and loosened against her as he clenched his fists. If she believed she had more chances, she wouldn't put him through it again while he was still grieving his mother. The thought of what Poe wanted her to do was never far from her thoughts, and she was running out of time. Still, she wondered if she had pushed it too far.

"You may not get the answer you were hoping for."

"The only answer that I am hoping for is the truth," she said. He stared at the wall until his eyes glossed over, almost as if he was staring right through it.

Please look at me. Please don't hide from me again.

"I did it to kill the light left in me, to sacrifice everything I had left to the dark side." He refused to move his eyes from his fixed stare into nothingness. "So I could have peace."

"But you almost didn't do it."

"I thought about going home. Or leaving for good, flying off into the Wilds, never to be seen again...." He was quiet for a moment, preparing himself for the wound he would be reopening by indulging her. She held her breath, fearful he would change his mind. "I realized there was no home for me to go back to after everything I had done, and everything they had done to me. For him to believe that I could just go with him was foolish. Or a lie. None of them had cared about saving me until I had fallen. The things I had done, the people I had lost, everything I had sacrificed would have been for nothing."

"But they did want you home, everything your mother ever talked about –"

"I listened to his thoughts for the truth. And I found a memory of my mother begging him to bring me home. It hadn't even been his idea. He was just doing it for her. He never cared about me."

"Ben..."

"It's true," he said, the pain cracked through his voice. "Han was only there for you, otherwise, he would have come for me sooner. You were gone a day or two, and he breached a secure First Order weaponized planet for you. He left me with my uncle at the temple and never came back for me. Not once. In over a decade. Not once when I trained with Luke. Not once when I had fled to the First Order. He only tried to turn me to save you."

"Ben, he had already found me," she said, wishing he would look at her. "He set the charges. He could have left, but he stayed for y –"

"He should have left!" he shouted, pressing the heels of his hands over his eyes. His entire body was trembling, and she immediately regretted putting him through that. "Or in those last seconds, I should have pointed the emitter chamber toward my own heart, forced him to watch the life fade from my eyes. That fate he deserved. But he wouldn't have walked out of there; the entire First Order was watching us. If I didn't..."

Kylo paused as his voice broke. He exhaled a shuddering breath. She didn't have to see his face to know she would find tears there. "If I didn't help him, he would have died either way. So I did the next best thing; I ended it before they could do worse. I didn't lie when you asked me if I hated him. I didn't. I convinced myself to do it because I loved him, even if he wouldn't do the same for me. It was easier to trigger it than I thought it would be. The words he said to me... it was an echo of the moment I had done it before, when it wasn't Han, but an expendable prisoner. And when I triggered that lightsaber, when I had the strength to do it, I did feel peace. It was finally over..."

"And then he touched me, like I meant anything to him. I shouldn't have looked in his eyes. He knew he was dying, but you should have seen it, Rey, he looked at me like his son. He had every reason to hate me, but right then Han was everything I had wished he could be my entire life. And it was too late. I could never take it back."

This. This was what she had been waiting for. "If you could, would you take it back?"

"It doesn't matter." His voice was sharp and jagged on the surface, but she knew him well enough to know there was regret buried underneath and she would unearth it. She could feel how close he was to turning; it was as if they were standing at the edge of the precipice. If they only took a few more steps, he'd have to face the truth.

"It does to me," she said, urging him that much closer. "I need to hear you say it."

Prove to yourself that Ben Solo is still in there.

"I regret it more than you will ever understand." She bit back the relief that bubbled in her throat, he was so close to seeing his dark path for what it was. She waited quietly for him to come to the same realization she had; he couldn't be the man who killed his father any longer. "If I could give my life to bring him back. I would." The words dripped like venom from his tongue. She had opened a nerve; his pain seeped into the Force around them like a heavy cloud. "I thought I found the answer – a life for a life – but I was wrong."

The words were ominous. What answer? Was that what he wanted the book for? If it was, she wouldn't give it to him. She fiercely disliked the idea that he had considered trading his life for his father, and she knew Han wouldn't have wanted that. His thoughts were growing darker. She had to redirect him back to the light, back to hope, back to saving himself. "Ben, did Snoke ask you to kill him?"

"No."

That's not true, it can't be.

"No?"

"He told me I had never 'faced such a test' and I knew 'what I had to do.'" He murmured. "But that was my choice."

"But he wanted you to," she pressed. "Han had no Force powers, you were estranged, why would Snoke want you to kill him?" Her tone was gentle, in fear of further agitating him, but she knew she had to keep probing deeper.

You have to see what I see in you. Then you'll turn.

"Han tried to warn me," he said, with less provocation than he had before. "He told me Snoke was only using me for my power. I wish I never had the Force, I wish I could be free from the shadow of my bloodline, I wish I could be the hero who didn't need anyone or anything like Han. I hated it, tried to deny it, but I still wished I could just... be like him. It was the reason Snoke asked me to kill him. He knew the foolish sentiment I still held for my father. If I had just hated him, he would still be alive."

It was twisted, and painful to hear, but Rey knew it was the truth. Snoke knew he would never truly have Kylo until he broke that connection. "You have your father's heart," he had told him in his memories. Snoke was jealous and wanted Kylo to himself. Snoke feared him, just like everyone else did. He needed to control him, and he could only do that when he was weak. Snoke guided him to make the ultimate sacrifice to do it, in the promise of being stronger than Vader. He knew the torment Kylo would suffer at the loss of his father. Even after he proved himself to be a worthy apprentice, it was not enough for Snoke. It was never going to be enough. She knew all of it from his memories, but she never expected him to realize it, too. "Peace is a lie, Rey. He used me to destroy my uncle, he used me to lure you into a trap. My father was right, when I was of no use anymore, he would have killed me, just like Luke failed to do."

"If you know what he did, why stay with the First Order?" she pressed.

Please, Ben.

She curled in tighter against him, refusing to look into his eyes in fear of what she would find there. "If I left, my father's death would be for nothing," he breathed into her hair. It wasn't an admittance that he was ready to turn, but it was close enough; she still had hope

"But Han died trying to save you," she said, her heart pounding against its cage in plea. "If you can't be saved, then his death will be for nothing."

"I can't be saved, Rey."

No, I won't let you do this again.

"No? Then why didn't you kill your mother?" She was desperate, searching for the key to getting through to him. He sighed in frustration, and she wondered if those were the words that would push him too far. She didn't expect him to answer.

"I don't know. I wanted to... but then I felt her. She wasn't even angry with me. After everything I did. After the monster I became. I only felt her love for me, and her foolish hope that one day I would come home," he exhaled slowly at the thought as he blinked back tears. "I knew Snoke was wrong. Killing her wouldn't end the conflict tearing me apart. It would make it worse, just like the death of my father did. I knew, but it wasn't enough to break my loyalty to him, and now she's dead because I didn't think fast enough to stop those missiles," he said through clenched teeth. "No one could've broken my loyalty to Snoke, not until you. He underestimated what I would do for you."

She wanted to say every thought that burst into her mind.

Not enough to turn, was her first thought.

Or

Why me?

Or

What exactly would you do for me?

She didn't ask him any of it, because she noticed his eyes grow distant. She was losing him to his thoughts again. "Ben." She didn't know why she did it, but she wrapped her fingers around his wrist and trapped his hand between her palm and her cheek, forcing him to look at her. His eyes found hers immediately, dragging him back to the present. "What do you want from me, Rey?"

To turn, she thought. She believed with everything in her that he could, so she pressed on.

"Why did you kill all those innocent people on Hosnian Prime? There were children."

"Believe it or not, under Snoke, I did not make all the decisions for the First Order," he said. She could hear the resentment in his tone, but she wasn't sure if it was directed toward her or his former master. "Hosnian Prime was Hux. Starkiller was his endeavor. Snoke knew when I found the plans for Starkiller on Malachor that I didn't agree with the weapon being created. I thought they would only use the weapon as a threat, but Snoke lied; that had never been their intention. He hid their plans from me until they were prepared to use it against the Republic. I was off-world when they unleashed its destruction on the galaxy. I was powerless to stop it."

Yes, Ben. You know the truth, don't you?

Rey could see it; this would be how he'd realize that everything he had killed for was a lie. He had admitted more than she could have hoped for about Snoke and his father. He had said it himself, he regretted all of it. He wanted to give his own life to save his father, he knew Snoke had used him, he knew what the First Order did at Hosnian Prime was wrong. He could finally see the First Order for what it was and turn. Come home. She could save him, all he had to do was realize that destruction was no longer a path he wanted to follow. "Then why not leave the First Order?"

Say it. You have no reason to stay.

She stared into his eyes, pleading with him to give voice to the words she knew he felt. Something was reflecting in them, however, that made her heart clench. She could feel her hope fade.

Please, don't do this again, Ben.

"Rey," his voice was soft, but it didn't soothe the bitter sting that accompanied them. "I'm the Supreme Leader now, so I can assure that there are no more Hosnian Primes. And I may not have agreed with their method, but I agreed with the principle. I still do. The New Republic had to be defeated."

No!

"No, Ben. What about the innocents!" she demanded, pulling herself further from his grasp to search his face, as his hand slid from her cheek to her arm. She was too concerned to care, hoping that the progress they had made was not unraveling before her eyes. In her heart, however, she knew. The pain and conflict had faded from his eyes; he was still holding onto a lie.

Why?

"Rey, sometimes the loss of innocent lives is a necessary evil. Do you think Luke considered all the maintenance workers, mechanics, contractors, families, and prisoners located on the Death Star when he destroyed it? Did you consider them on Starkiller? Or the stormtroopers like FN-2187 that had been brainwashed as children and could have been turned to your cause? No. Why? Because it was for the greater good. It was the price of war." Rey was quiet as his words settled over them. His logic terrified her. She knew his reasoning was flawed, that mass genocide could not be explained away as a "necessary evil." But he spoke with such conviction that for an instant it nearly sounded reasonable. And after Luke's third lesson on Ahch- To, she wasn't certain his uncle would have disagreed.

It's impossible. You couldn't believe these things. You couldn't think you're right in this.

She couldn't argue it with him; they would never find common ground. Poe would argue similar beliefs for the opposite side; she knew well enough that moral righteousness was subjective in war. That was not something she could change in either of them overnight. She searched instead for a way to lead him back to the path of regret again. She still had hope in him. "Then what about the other students at Luke's temple?" she tried. "I saw what happened. You could have left them alive."

He closed his eyes, his fingers twitching on her arm as if he feared she would flee. Despite her agitation, she laid her hand over his in assurance. Her heart fluttered when he gripped her tighter. "Rey, I know you're hoping to find excuses for everything I've done, to give you reason not to give up on me. But it's not that easy; there isn't some convenient reason that absolves me from what I've become. I'm not a spy for the Resistance, and I wasn't possessed by some evil entity. I killed people, by my own free will, because I am a monster. That is the truth you're seeking."

"Ben, please..."

"I don't remember why I killed them ...survival... revenge... The ones who believed me about Skywalker's betrayal became the Knights of Ren, like Jacen. I killed the ones who took Skywalker's side, who defended Cade."

"What about Tionne?"

Please, come back to me.

She was losing him, she could almost feel him grasp desperately onto his convictions. "When I first joined Snoke my only purpose was to eliminate all the Jedi and destroy the Jedi Order. It... it is still my purpose. I became the Jedi Killer. I did what I had to do. If I didn't kill her, she could have become the next Skywalker. She could have grown stronger, trained others in the error of their ways and eventually killed the other Knights."

"Ben, how is that any different than me?" His thumb rubbed her arm gently, almost reflexively, as he considered an answer that never came. Instead, he turned onto his back again, as his eyes focused above him. He was running away. The conversation had not turned the way Rey had hoped. He was defending unfathomable mass murder, rather than realizing that he was not the monster everyone wanted him to be.

Still, she wouldn't give up on him. If he wouldn't admit the truth, she would force him to see it. Her most challenging task was to convince him to stay long enough to have a chance. "You are called the Jedi Killer...and I am called the Last Jedi." Despite the dire consequences of his words, and hers, she found herself struggling to stifle a smile at the ridiculous monikers.

Kylo turned his head to glare at her, but she caught him rolling his lips to suppress a smile. He seemed all too eager to accept the temporary peace offering she had extended to him with her jesting words, avoiding the perilous spiral the debate would have taken. "Are you mocking me?"

"No, never," she said unconvincingly. He snorted. "Well, perhaps. It's just... I don't think you're doing a very good job with me." Her attempt to suppress a grin failed miserably as she bit her lip. He huffed a breath, which Rey interpreted as an almost chuckle.

"I suppose not," he said, amusement coloring his tone.

"What would your friends think?"

"I suppose it's a good thing I don't have friends." He had said it lightly. She knew it wasn't meant to be taken seriously, but it stung because she knew it held truth.

"What about me?" she asked quietly, allowing her hand to travel over the soft vein in his neck and along the line of his jaw. He swallowed thickly. She had been drawn to touch him since that night in the hut – to prove to herself that he was real – but now that she had, she couldn't help exploring him – both emotionally and physically. Was it socially acceptable? She had no idea. But he didn't stop her.

There was something warm and comforting she felt when his heated skin was under her palm. Even if his words were disappointing, it made her want to touch him even more; to hold onto him desperately in fear that she would lose him. Somewhere along the way she had become invested in the fate of Kylo Ren, and though she knew it was his own fight through the darkness, she couldn't help trying to be the light that would help guide his perilous journey out. "Am I not your friend?"

He tilted his head down to study her face, locks of dark hair falling across his eyes. She fought the urge to sweep it back; that gesture felt too intimate. "I don't think you want to be friends, Rey."

"Well, I don't make a habit of lying in bed with my enemies," she said softly. He considered her answer for a moment, his eyes piercing through any defenses she could have created.

"Do you make a habit of lying in bed with friends?" There was something about the deep, raspy tone to his voice that made her wonder exactly what he was asking her. They both knew his question was challenging her to contemplate a truth she wasn't ready to entertain, and they both knew she would avoid it. But he planted the seed anyway, always keen to be the one in control. She didn't care about the truths she needed to face; this was about getting through to him.

"You didn't answer my question, Ben."

"I would kill for you, or give up my life for you," he said, refusing to meet her gaze as he stared over her shoulder. "Does that count?"

"I'd prefer if you didn't die for me," she replied, "And it depends on who you would kill for me."

"I suppose FN-2187 is out of the question."

She knew it was his deadpan humor, but it forced her to consider the truth behind it. "After everything we've been through, would you still kill my friends?" She begged him to show the remorse she had seen earlier. "Would you kill someone even if I asked you not to?"

Kylo did not hesitate to answer. "Yes, if I had the right reasons, I would take the life of just about anyone, whether you asked me to or not." His tone was impassive, not a hint of remorse or conflict in his voice. "If, for instance, they threatened your life."

"But Ben, if you kill the people I care about, then you hurt me. You might as well cut me with your weapon," she reasoned. "And if I ask you not to kill someone, but you choose to do it anyway, then you are breaking my trust in you. That's like breaking a promise."

His brows furrowed slightly at her mention of a promise. She watched the conflict in his eyes as he struggled with the truth of her words. "Your life is more important than all of that. I can survive your hatred of me," he said stubbornly, but she sensed that her words affected him more than it appeared.

"What about me, Ben?" Before Rey could catch herself, she brushed his raven hair from his forehead, his eyes bright in wonder at the gesture. He didn't comment on her lapse in judgment, but his eyes followed her hand as she rested it gently over his heart. "Would you kill me?"

"Never," he breathed.

"Why not? I've betrayed you, I've left you, I've used you, I've lied, I've done everything they did."

Why kill all these people but spare me?

He inhaled deeply as he considered her question. His eyes begged her to see what he didn't want to put to words. This was something important, it would bring change, she could feel it. She waited. He chewed his lip before drawing in the Force for strength. "Rey, you are the only person who matters to me in the entire galaxy. Take that to mean whatever you want." Her breath was trapped in her throat. The lilt of his steady heartbeat caressed her fingers through his chest. She felt the devotion and loyalty warm her through the bond before his shields were raised again. She had not been prepared for that kind of honesty. Frozen in his vulnerability, his eyes studied hers intently as he waited for her response.

She wasn't prepared to search for the truth in her own feelings. She had succeeded in denying the extent of the emotions in her conflicted heart. Panic overwhelmed her. She wasn't ready to face any of it.

Rey desperately sought for a question to distract herself from the emotions threatening to spill over into the bond. "How many..." she paused, chewing her lip, "how many people have you killed?"

Kylo shifted his glare away from her in disapproval of her question, a muscle in his jaw twitching in agitation. Rey could almost see the hope die in his eyes. She knew she was the one running away this time, but what was she supposed to say? She was betraying her friends, lying in the arms of her enemy; the man she was supposed to hate, the man she was supposed to kill. And it felt... right.

She knew she would continue to betray her friends in her pursuit to help save him, find belonging with him. What kind of person did that make her? In the end, did it matter what she wanted? No matter how she felt, or he said he felt about her, he was still on the wrong side of the war. He was still the Supreme Leader of the First Order. She couldn't forget that, and she refused to explore any of it until he had proven he was the man she knew he was. If her only way to escape those thoughts was to run away from them, then so be it.

Kylo didn't push the issue, which she was grateful for. Instead, he returned to ponder his thoughts while staring at the ceiling. "That is a complicated question."

"It's not, Ben" she stared up at him, tears in her eyes.

How many? Ten? Fifty? Oh Force, one hundred?

His voice sounded remarkably even and casual for the severity of the subject. "It is, Rey. Do you count by my hand or that I'm responsible for?"

"What's the difference?"

Please just tell me a number.

She held her breath apprehensively. The longer she lay in his embrace, the more difficult it was to deny her complicated feelings for him. Did she want to know? What if she realized he was beyond saving, could she walk away and still pretend it didn't hurt? What was the line, the number, that would make her abandon hope? How would she know what the right decision was when they were entangled in this impossible war?

"Take Tuanul – the village on Jakku where I captured your pilot... I killed an old friend of my family's, Lor San Tekka, after he gave the pilot the map to Skywalker. But I ordered the stormtroopers to eliminate all the remaining villagers for harboring a fugitive of the First Order. Your FN-2187 hesitated to kill under my orders; he's a liability to the Resistance."

Rey huffed with irritation, giving him a pointed look as he continued, "Regardless, I am responsible for every villager's death, but I only took one life myself. Or Concordia. My men were responsible for the deaths of the entire tribe on my orders; my hands were only responsible for a few that had been captured for information. Or in the vision you had of me with the Knights of Ren. Do you count the villagers I killed myself or how many we all killed together?" She shook her head, swallowing the bile rising in her throat. Despite the ache behind her ribs, she allowed him to continue.

"So what is it, Rey?" his tone pedantic. "Is it just those by my hand, like my father, or those I am responsible for, like the people on Concordia and the dozens of other worlds in the Unknown Regions my troops and the Knights conquered? And if you include those I am responsible for, does it matter if I was following orders or if it was by my orders alone? Does it matter if they were killed by others in the Order, making me guilty by association, considering that is how the Republic would charge me for War Crimes? If I was punished for my crimes by your friends, I would be held accountable for Hosnian Prime. If that's the case, then the destruction of the New Republic sets my total at millions... perhaps billions. How about the troops on my side that lost their lives under my command? I am responsible for their deaths as well. And do you count people like Snoke and the Praetorian guard? Or are you only counting people you don't agree with me killing?"

Why did the war and this man and her bond and morality have to be so complicated?

"I don't know, Ben." Rey buried her face in his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her. "I don't know what the right answer is." She wanted to cry or scream or break something fragile. She wanted the galaxy to know that it wasn't fair that Ben Solo became this man. It wasn't fair that this man was the only person in that galaxy she wanted to be bonded with. The war, her orders, her desires, her place in it all – it wasn't fair. It took him a moment of hesitation, before he wrapped his arms around her tightly, accepting that as much as she hated his actions, she needed his comfort.

"Three hundred and eight."

She pulled her face away from his warmth to stare at him. "What is that?"

"Three hundred and eight people," he whispered, but she could hear the waver in his voice. "By my hand."

It was everything she feared. The number was staggering, far beyond her hopes. She had seen him kill in her visions of him, had heard him speak of the villages he slaughtered, had watched him kill people with her own eyes, but she had never expected that. The tears rose unbidden to her eyes, and she leaned into his chest again to hide them. "How could you..."

How could you not regret the lives you've taken? How can you lie here and talk about murder as if it was nothing? How can you be two different people?

"I never said I didn't regret the lives I've taken," Kylo said after a moment of silence, reminding her of her bad habit of projecting. "But have you stopped to think maybe I'm not two different people?"

"Do you regret the lives you've taken?" she asked, ignoring her projection and his other assertion. She couldn't see the emotions in his eyes while pressed up against his chest, but he said enough by not answering her question.

"How many have you killed, Rey?"

She shook her head defiantly. "No, I am the one asking the questions. In fact, you are not allowed to ask any more questions. Especially while answering my questions. I know your games, Ben."

He hummed.

"Humor me," he murmured into her hair. "Unless you would rather deflect?"

"I am not deflecting," she said with conviction. He huffed another half-chuckle, she felt the heat of it against her temple and the vibration of it against her palm. "It's different... that was survival."

"War...survival...revenge...different dagger, same blade."

"I would never kill someone who wasn't trying to kill me." She knew he wanted to turn her, so she would join him to rule the First Order. I am not like you, Ben. She expected him to pull away from her in anger, but her words had little noticeable effect on him.

"Ah... are you sure?" he asked in his derisive Kylo way that, for a split second, made her reconsider deepening the scar on his infuriating face. "You shot first, if I remember correctly. I first remember your darkness on Starkiller. You could have run when I went for my grandfather's weapon. But you activated your weapon, my grandfather's weapon, first. You charged me. You wanted to kill me, Rey, not because you were defending yourself. You wanted to kill me as revenge for FN-2187... and my father. Do I blame you? No. I deserved it."

"But your darkness is rising, just as it did in me, to levels I never believed possible. When I was your age, I was not responsible for a single death... yet. In a few weeks, you have gone from trying to kill me on Starkiller to contemplating killing me in my sleep with my own lightsaber, because you hated me. If you believe your reasons are justified to kill for – revenge, war, survival – then you are justifying the reasons why I have killed."

She was quiet for a moment, digesting his frustrating logic.

Why can't you see that it's not the same? You were the enemy, you were killing people I cared for. I had no other choice. I had to do it for the sake of the galaxy. And when I took your lightsaber, it was the darkness... but you already knew that, because you were awake. Yet you let me do it. You could have defended yourself. You could have stopped me. You could have said... anything.

"Ben, why were you going to let me kill you?"

He snaked his arms tighter around her. "I wanted to know if you would do it."

Her throat tightened at the admission, overwhelmed with conflict. Her emotions were at war; part of her was remorseful that he was so obviously tortured, and part of her was furious that he gambled with his own life. "So, what... you would just let me kill you to satisfy your curiosity? Force, Ben!"

"If you really want to kill me, Rey, then I won't stop you," he murmured. She shook her head in frustration, biting back tears. I don't understand. She had fought for fourteen years to survive in the harshest of conditions. Giving up had never once crossed her mind, even when the hope of survival was grim.

Why, Ben? Why do you value your life so little? I know you fought too – against the droid, Luke, Snoke – how could you so easily throw that away.

Rey was his enemy and yet she wondered if there was ever a time she had seen his life as expendable as he did. There had been more times than she could count that she had held his fate in her hands – had imagined taking it – yet she had never found it her right to do so. Even on Starkiller, when she hated him the most, she had the chance to end it all but hadn't. She had chosen not to do it in the throne room, even though she was heartbroken. And even when the darkness called her, and Snoke himself beguiled her to do it, she still couldn't kill him. She faced an ultimatum to end his life, but found his life meant more to her than any punishment by the Resistance. She truly did want to save him, more than she would ever admit. What would that mean for their future? Should she warn him of the Resistance's plans? What would he do? What would he ask her to do? All she knew, was that she wouldn't willingly help them. "Well, thankfully I couldn't kill you."

"I know. I'm grateful, for your sake," he whispered, resting his chin on her head.

She rolled her eyes at the ease at which he manipulated a conversation. "My sake?"

"I told you, I sense the darkness in you."

Rey pulled back from his embrace so she could study his face. "This... coming from the Prince of Darkness, who asked me to join him, and has seen how hate made me strong enough to best him on Starkiller." She grinned as she traced her finger along his scar. She didn't know why she had done it, but by the time she had done it the damage had been done. Except, it hadn't. This time, he didn't flinch under her touch. He huffed a near chuckle instead.

"Snoke called me son of darkness. I am no prince."

"Your mother was a princess," she reminded him.

He leveled a pointed look at her, but there was no heat behind it. "Of a world that no longer exists."

"So what you're saying is... I'm Nothing and you're a Prince of Nothing." She smirked in amusement, crinkling her nose. Kylo made a choking sound in his throat, but it only encouraged her. "Prince Ben. I like the sound of that."

"You do remember that I am essentially the emperor of the galaxy, right?"

How could I forget?

Her finger trailed from his scar to the shell of his exposed ear, an endearingly boyish feature that was usually hidden in the sea of his raven locks. "I like Prince Ben better."

"Ah," he sighed in understanding. "You wish for me to have a respectable title without any of the power."

Rey smiled as their eyes met. "Precisely."

Kylo groaned in irritation, but his grip tightened around her, suggesting he felt otherwise. She had never felt safer than she did right then in the arms of her enemy. "I would have joined you," she admitted quietly, the smile fading from her lips as swiftly as it had appeared. "If you were the Prince of Nothing, instead of the Prince of Darkness." His breath hitched in his chest. He blinked rapidly as he digested her confession, and she wished he allowed her to be privy to the thoughts in his head. She searched his eyes for an indication of the emotions that were undoubtedly raging inside him, but he glanced away, refusing to look at her.

"I never asked you to join the darkness, Rey," his voice was strained, the apple of his throat bobbed as he swallowed thickly. "Just me..."

"But it was the darkness in you asking me," she objected. He nodded, in agreement to what, exactly, she could only guess, and dragged her closer to him so she couldn't see the expression on his face. But she could feel his pain in the bond. "Ben," she said carefully, "if you live in darkness and asked me to be by your side in the company of darkness, then why do you fear my darkness? I don't understand."

"The Jedi were wrong. Hate... anger... suffering... has its place. Darkness has its place. But darkness can easily consume you, Rey. I recognize myself in you, and that's why it scares me. There's so much light in you. If you killed me, you would have opened the floodgates to that darkness. Thankfully, you are stronger than me, and resisted its temptation..."

If you only knew, Ben.

"The way you channel your hate and anger has served you well. I fear that you will reach a point where you can no longer control it, as I did. I'm not Luke, I'm not asking you to eliminate it completely. You demonstrated the power of your darkness on Starkiller, but it was your light that spared me. It makes you unique. It makes you far better than I could ever hope to be. Don't lose that. But don't lose that warrior spirit either. The way you manipulated the darkness to challenge and best me on Starkiller that night is one of my favorite things about you."

"The Resistance doesn't think so," she said before she could consider the consequences. She knew it was coming eventually, "They want to use what happened on Starkiller against you. They think if I challenge you to a rematch, then you'll come. They are planning an ambush, and they intend to use me as bait. They would use your desire for revenge to lead you to your death."

Rey expected him to pull away from her, question her loyalty, or leave her to plan a counterattack. She expected anger... derision... panic, perhaps. Kylo was unpredictable, but she expected a reaction. He hummed but was otherwise silent.

Say something! She screamed at him across the bond.

"Revealing critical tactical strategies of the Resistance, Rey? That sounds an awful lot like treason," he finally said, the deprecating tut of his tongue as irritating as his flippant tone.

"As if you know nothing of treason," she snapped, abandoning the warmth of his chest to stare in his eyes. The anger flooding through her left her voice quivering. "And that's all you have to say? I'm telling you the truth! They plan to assassinate you! Why are you not taking this seriously?"

I don't understand, everything is serious to you unless it involves your life.

"I'm in a position of power. The list of those desiring to assassinate me is a very, very long one. My own general would kill me if given the chance. I think you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn't want to kill me," he replied impassively. "I knew the consequences when I made my choice."

"But they would use me to do it." She gripped onto him tighter, pleading with him to care. His hand found the scar on her arm, and his gaze shifted to the old wound she had gained in the throne room. He seemed to have completely forgotten about the current topic. Of all the reactions she had expected, indifference was not one of them. "Ben!"

"Considering you are the only other Force-user in this war and you have a history of defeating me in combat, I think it is a reasonable decision," he rationalized, still not looking up at her as he studied the scar. It was as if they were speaking of the efficacy of mag-pulse warheads versus proton torpedoes, and not his potential assassination.

Her pulse was pounding in her ears, each beat like a second, counting down until every choice they had ever made coalesced into a crescendo of destiny; a destiny that was fast approaching. "Well, do you want to know how they plan to do it, at least?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I like surprises," Kylo said bemusedly, distracted by tracing the pattern of the old wound. She rolled her eyes at his ironically laissez-faire attitude.

She sighed in irritation. "No, you don't."

"Do you know that your scar looks like two hands touching?" he interrupted with intended levity, signaling the conclusion of his side of that conversation.

"Don't say another word, or so help me, Ben, I'll strangle you right now with my bare hands. This is serious! You need to know! I can't stand by, I can't let you die, but I need your help! Their plan is already in motion!" Her voice was louder and more fearful than she had anticipated. Rey searched his eyes for reassurance, but his mind was somewhere else. The smirk that was twitching on his lips revealed his thoughts were nothing of consequence.

After a moment of heavy silence, she'd had enough. "Ben, for Force sake, say something."

It was clear he was still not taking the conversation seriously as he avoided her stare, rolling a lock of her hair between his fingers. "Can I?"

"Can you what?"

"Say something," he said. "You told me not to say another word or you would strangle me with your bare hands... because you want my help in preventing my death. I have to admit, that's an interesting method." As she exhaled slowly in irritation, she regretted every single time she was annoyed by his brooding silence. "Although I would like to point out you could easily strangle me without your bare hands, considering you have access to the Force."

"This is not funny!" Rey never thought those were words she would ever say to him. His father, perhaps, but not him. It was just proof there was still Solo in there somewhere. She grasped his face in her hands and forced her fear into the bond. "Please."

Kylo sighed heavily in surrender.

"Why would you tell me this, Rey?" he whispered, trailing his finger down her arm. She closed her eyes, the frustration fading as she melted into his touch. "Why do you desire so strongly to save my life?"

"I..." Rey considered the many different reasons she had convinced herself why she needed to commit treason for this man; why she would travel across the galaxy for him, carry on in secret, put herself in danger, and lie in bed wrapped in his arms. None of the reasons were true enough. She knew if she was to continue to ask for his honesty, it was time for her to be honest with him. And herself.

"You are important to me too," she said, "and not just because I want you to turn. We're bonded; that means something." His eyes narrowed as he peered into hers, reading her soul for the truth. "I won't betray the Resistance, but I cannot allow them to kill you."

Kylo pulled her closer to him. She closed her eyes as she leaned her forehead against his chest. "There are worse things you could do to me, trust me."

"Such as?"

"Such as making me live in a galaxy without you."

Rey didn't know exactly what Kylo had meant by those words, but something deep inside her told her there was no going back. One thing she knew for sure, there was no denying his intentions anymore. He cared. They had both danced around their blossoming emotions, but he had vocalized the truth in her traitorous heart. Rey could not deny that they were both traveling down a dangerous road...and fast. She had pretended she was still teetering on the edge of this star-crossed, irreversible chasm of fate, but she had already fallen; and to her alarm, and relief, so had he.

"I'm not going anywhere...well, until the Force takes me back to the Resistance again." Rey smiled. She wrapped her arms around his back and breathed in the scent of his chest. Everything about him was intoxicating. As long as she stayed in his arms, then everything would be okay. She was safe. She was wanted. She was not alone.

It was just a lost boy and a broken girl wrapped in the warmth of their bond. Nothing else mattered, like the moment in the hut on Ahch-To. Just as it had been in the hut, however, their perfect bubble could not last; because it wasn't only "Ben and Rey," as desperately as she wanted it to be.

He buried his face in her hair. "I wish... I could hold you like this forever," he whispered.

"But... you can't?"

Kylo squeezed her tighter.

"No," he breathed.

That one syllable was enough to drop the entire galaxy out from underneath her. She was falling, her stomach turning with the weightlessness... but this feeling wasn't warm or flighty. It was terrifying and sickening. She didn't want him to ever let go, but she needed to know where he stood.

You couldn't hold me like this and still want power more than me, could you?

"So what happens now?" Rey wanted more than anything for him to just do what she knew in her heart he would do. Turn. Come back with her, so they could be together. She imagined he could hold her in his arms every night as the rest of the galaxy melted away.

"I don't know," he answered. It was honest. Kylo could have placated her. He could have whispered false promises to keep her there in his embrace, but he didn't. It struck her then, that no matter what evil this man did around him, he would be honest with her.

She pulled back in his arms and stared into his eyes. He pressed his lips together and swallowed. She recognized the way he chewed his words when his emotions threatened to expose him as vulnerable. As she felt him pulling away in the bond, her thoughts flashed back to the throne room.

"Rey..." The way he breathed her name was both a plea and a warning. She craved to melt further into his strong arms, but the look in his eyes was breaking her heart. He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to. She didn't want to know, but she knew.

He's not going to leave the First Order.

Rey sat up as bile rose in her throat. "What is your plan here, Ben? You go back to destroying planets and trying to kill everyone I care about, and I go back to my friends who are plotting ways to assassinate you?" Her voice shook as she begged him to come to his senses, for him to choose her.

Kylo rolled onto his back and covered his eyes with his fists. "What would you have me do?" Her heart beat wildly. This was it. This was her moment to get through to him, this was her chance.

I have to save him.

"Leave! Right now, Ben! We can be together like I saw that night when we touched hands. We're meant to be more than enemies across the galaxy. You can come to fight with the Resistance. You and I would be unstoppable against the First Order! You can come back to the light, and everything will be okay!" She pleaded with him desperately.

Kylo dropped his hands from his face and turned toward her. The moment in the throne room when she begged him to save her friends replayed in her mind. The pounding of her heart was deafening just as it had been there. She needed him to turn. He had to turn. She had to save him.

Please, Ben.

He was not Ben, however. And Kylo was not Kylo without his streak of total unpredictability. He intently searched her eyes for something, and when he didn't find it, he sat up and started... laughing. It was dark and tormented, but it was a laugh nonetheless. Confusion flooded through her as she had never seen the man truly smile let alone laugh and he chose right then – as she begged him to come back – to do it. She felt the anger burn in her chest.

"What could possibly be funny right now, Ben?" she growled indignantly through clenched teeth.

"Forgive me, Rey... " Kylo cleared his throat to suppress his laughter. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to be more than an enemy to you. I don't understand what changed, but... saying I can leave the Order and join the Resistance? That's incredibly naïve, sweetheart. Think about it. If I defect from the First Order, it's abandonment, if I go to the Resistance, it's high treason. Any ship I take to get to you will be tracked, followed and promptly shot down if they have no strategic forethought. Or, if they were resourceful, they would track me right to you and eliminate the entire Resistance right then and there. If I leave the First Order, it is a death sentence... for both of us."

In battle, he would fight even with all the odds stacked against him, but now he just gives up so easily. I'm not ready to give up that easily, Ben.

"Then I'll come get you. I went to you before, this time I'll bring you back with me!"

Please, Ben, don't give up on this.

"No, you need to stay there. It's too dangerous for you to be flying around the galaxy right now. And you had some help in surviving the last attempt to turn me, remember? But even if you did succeed, what's your plan? Bring me back to the Resistance? The ones you said yourself are plotting to assassinate me? Do you honestly think I can just walk into your base and your friends will take me at my word and just... absolve me of all my perceived crimes? I am an enemy of the Resistance, Rey. I am worth more to them tortured for information and then dead. Is that what you want?"

"They will protect you, I know it. We're a family. You can have a home here." Her eyes were pleading with him to try. "Your family may have broken you, but it is not too late to make your own family."

Kylo parted his lips to say something but thought better of it. He chewed his lip for a moment as he considered his words carefully. "You live in ignorance, Rey..." he began, and she glared at him, her brows furrowed in chagrin.

That is what you decided to go with?

"It's not your fault. You spent your entire life alone, learned to trust and rely on no one, and then you were thrust into this war. On your world, it was clear cut – everyone was out for themselves; only families cared for each other. So when the Resistance took you in like family, something you never had, you didn't stop to think about their motivations and intentions."

"You're right," she said, the anger raw in her voice. "I never had a family, but whose fault is that?"

"I'm sorry." His expression didn't change, but his emotions over the bond did. She could feel the truth over their connection. He was sorry, but not because he did it.

"Why?" she asked, watching his reaction carefully. "I know it wasn't you." His stare swiftly found interest above him again, hiding his emotions from her.

Why did you lie and tell me you killed them? What did I see in your memory?

He didn't deny it. "None of that changes that the motivations of your new family are not what you think they are, Rey."

"And what are your motivations, Ben?"

"Right now, that is more for the First Order to fear than you." Rey studied him for an answer to his cryptic words, but his eyes had still not returned to hers.

"Is that true? Does the First Order have more to fear from you than the Resistance? Or do you still plan on killing the Resistance if you find them?"

"If I find them?" his voice was light with humor. "If I want the Resistance dead, I know where they are."

"Why haven't you come for them?"

He finally met her stare, tilting his head, confounded that she would ask something he clearly viewed as obvious. "Because of you."

"What if I wasn't with them anymore?" she urged, a bloom of hope swelling in her chest. His jaw hardened. There was an edge of irritation, as if he resented her for asking. He wouldn't answer, but she found her answer in his silence. He hadn't found the Resistance because they were important to her, and she... was somehow important to him.

You are in there, Ben.

"If you're turning on the First Order, and you won't kill the Resistance, then it only makes sense for you to join us. You can turn, you can –"

Anticipating her line of thinking, he cut in, "Listen, Rey, I may be biased, but hear me out. I know you grew up in a troglodytic world, but the Resistance is not a family. It's a political faction – a rebellion. The people may feel like a family, as long as your views and actions further their cause. The moment your views do not, they will put the needs of the organization over you. The pilot nearly killed you because of a bond with your enemy that you have zero control over. What you are doing here, with me, is a choice; it's treason. Make no mistake about that.

"It is an offense punishable by death, no matter how close your 'family' is. My mother is no longer there to protect you, and you are a risk. As far as they know, you could be providing me information on their location or tactical plans. They wouldn't be wrong in assuming so. You are Force-sensitive, that is already reason enough to fear you. Their only motivation is to protect the Resistance, and if you interfere with that, you are no longer of use to them. Family or not, they will turn against you.

"But, let's pretend they are your family. What do you think happens if you bring me there? Even if they did not immediately kill or imprison me –which is very, very unlikely– they will not trust me. They have no reason to. And that means they will not trust you. You will lose your family because of your ties to me."

Rey cried out in frustration. "Then prove they can trust you! Give them all the information willingly! If you help them dismantle the First Order, they will have no choice but to see what I see in you!" She imagined Kylo and Poe sitting across the table from one another, negotiating an end to the war. It ignited more hope in her aching heart.

"I can't do that," he said flatly.

"You can't or you won't?"

His dark eyes burned unyielding into hers. "I won't."

"Why?" Tears stuck to her eyelashes as she bit back her sorrow. Rey wanted to run again. She wanted to pretend that if she left for long enough, he would come to his senses. He was grasping onto lies. She would never be able to turn him on her own, she knew that, but she believed Ben Solo was in there, fighting against the years of gaslighting and brainwashing to do the right thing. He needed help, and she would fight with him. It would hurt to stay and fight when all she wanted was for him to turn. He had changed since she left him in the throne room; although Snoke was no longer in his head, the damage had been done. He needed the voice of reason, that was why the Force had brought her to him. She only hoped he found his own voice in the end.

When he spoke again, she prepared herself for the battle for Ben Solo. "I know I have not been loyal to the Order, but you must realize that all my treachery has been out of a necessity to keep you safe. There is still a part of me who will not betray the cause I sacrificed so much for."

"We as beings are naturally prone to chaos," he continued. "It was the task of the New Republic, and now the First Order to eliminate chaos, instability, and disorder. It is the task of the First Order to save us from ourselves. This is much bigger than you or me, Rey; civilization is dependent upon the rule of law. Order promotes stability, and stability promotes progress. Progress was achieved through order under the rule of the Empire... but the stability was reduced to anarchy and chaos by the Rebellion. Instead of establishing order and stability, and promoting the progress of the civilizations they governed, the New Republic was gripped by the same disorder and weakness intrinsic to the Rebellion and now, in turn, the Resistance. The First Order will bring progress back to a galaxy gripped by chaos. The anarchy created by the Resistance is everything that is wrong for civilization. Can you not see that?"

In seconds he had transformed again. This was not the fierce warlord of Starkiller. This was not the soft-hearted son of a smuggler on Ahch-To. This was not the emotionally stunted cur of a monster's war machine on the Supremacy. This was the Supreme Leader. Her emotions warred between pride in his strength as a leader and disappointment that perhaps he was not as lost as she had assumed. She had seen Kylo slip into his verbose political façade before, but never like this. He was his mother's son, whether he liked to admit it or not, and she was not equipped to engage him in this arena. Rey, however, was never one to surrender, even when the odds were stacked against her.

"You may be well versed in politics," Rey's voice trembled, "But I know that violence and ruling with an iron fist is not what is best for the galaxy. Destroying entire systems is not what is best for this galaxy! It's mass murder! The New Republic served the people! You control them!"

"The republic you revere condemned you to a childhood of slavery!" Kylo sneered. "How is what I am doing worse than that?"

I was not a slave!

Rey shuddered in resentment but swallowed her retort. She waited, knowing the silence was when Kylo would usually be lost to his thoughts. He had promised to speak those thoughts that typically filled the void between them; so she quietly studied him, seconds stretching into minutes, yet she held her tongue in exchange for deeper insight into his head.

Please, Ben, just let me in. I need to understand, she begged him across the bond.

His tone softened as he conceded defeat and finally continued. "Do you want to know why the New Republic failed? Corruption had poisoned the highest levels of the Senate. It was unable to properly govern under the continual deadlocks and infighting. My mother wanted to change that and became a candidate for First Senator. Had she won, the First Order would never have had the opportunity to become a viable threat. Perhaps she would have done what I am trying to do, perhaps I would have followed her path after I failed at becoming a Jedi. But she never had the chance to make the changes necessary to save the New Republic. She had many enemies, including Lady Carise Sindian, who was a secret member of the First Order. She discovered my mother's parentage, but it was my mother's closest political ally Ransolm Casterfo who betrayed her and exposed her as the secret daughter of Vader. She would have been the most qualified First Senator, but revenge and the self-serving desires of political foes never spared a thought to what was best for the galaxy. That is the truth of the New Republic.

"I was never involved in the military hierarchy here, I never had an interest in the throne. But when I stared at Snoke's body, I remembered why the First Order was necessary. It was why I couldn't leave. I realized I can make a difference in a position of power, because I know the weaknesses of the Jedi Order, New Republic, Empire, and First Order. I can save the galaxy, because I will not placate the desires of the rulers of civilizations in exchange for the greater good. I will not be a slave to what the people want, but instead fight for what they need, because I cannot be bought."

"But Ben, one person cannot possibly know what the civilizations of the galaxy need," she argued. "We need law, yes, and passionate people like you to establish a Republic that does work. We need politicians like your mother who put the people first. But the First Order is just as self-serving as the New Republic was. You still have officers and generals who undermine your vision. Nothing will change! It is too much power for one person to possess! You killed all those people on Concordia. You did it, not for the good of the galaxy, but to protect one person. You killed women and children without trial or sentencing. You don't have to become the monster that everyone feared that you would be. You don't have to take this path."

"Do you know what my mother said?" His demeanor had changed, the imperious tone subsided to a pensive tenderness, "'I would rather be a monster that believes in something, that would sacrifice everything to make the galaxy better, than be someone who sits on the sidelines and watches as if it has no consequences to them.' Those were my mother's words, Rey, but I live by them. We may have ended up with different perspectives on how to resolve this, but my mother and I took a stand to fight for the betterment of this galaxy. We are not the type to remain complacent as the galaxy suffers around us. It's easy to sit idle and do nothing."

"But it's also easy to be the hero," he continued with a vehemence that implied conviction, not mechanical recitation. His views were deluded, but they were not formed solely by Snoke's influence. "It requires little sacrifice. Civilizations are fickle. Legends never die, but the people who lived to witness those legends do. Civilizations change, and with them the collective perspective. If legends last long enough... the heroes will see themselves become the villains."

"Like Luke and my mother. His greatest contribution to history was his exploitation of the sentimental weakness of his father. Hers was destroying an empire. There are arguably no two other people who have sacrificed more for the good of the galaxy. But time was not kind to their legacies. Civilians of the galaxy turned on them, because they couldn't escape the truth that was their family. Perhaps in the future, their achievements will be forgotten, and history will instead remember their roles in the creation of Kylo Ren as their greatest contribution."

Rey shook her head, but Kylo persisted. "Details and sentiments are forgotten over time. Morality and ethics become muddled. Righteousness becomes the judgment of the narrator. So whether right now, in this time, the group of anarchists you call the Resistance view me as the enemy is inconsequential. If I have to be the one they call evil to save this galaxy from itself, then that is a sacrifice I'm willing to make."

"Please, Ben, I know you are trying to be the change the galaxy needs. You saw what the New Republic did to your mother, and you want to create a government that serves the people and addresses the true issues that civilizations face. I understand that. Law is necessary and order is important. You could still do good, but you don't need to be the enemy of the people to save them. The First Order only cares about domination. That won't save this galaxy, giving the power back to people will. You can still make a difference – just not this way, not with them." She begged him to see the truth, but he believed his own lies.

Kylo was so calm... so certain... so rational. Rey found herself struggling, again, to debate with him, because he had a strong mastery over the manipulation of an argument. She used emotion to sway him, but he used derisive logic misrepresented as fact. Arguing with him was dangerous, because, as misguided as his beliefs were, she could find truth, reason, and validity behind what he said.

"I don't know what you want from me, Rey. I've sacrificed everything for the First Order, and I finally have a chance to make a difference. You expect me to give it all up and walk away. For what?"

For me, Ben.

Naturally, he heard her in her moment of vulnerability. The significance of what she said seemed to escape him in his agitation, however. "But you wouldn't do the same for me. You've fought for the Resistance for days not years, but when I asked you to leave them, you wouldn't. I've committed treason for you and your friends; when will it ever be enough?"

"This isn't about what I need from you," she said, fearing that his defenses had become impenetrable. "This about saving you! It will never be enough until you are free from the First Order."

"And what do you think happens to you all if I leave?" he asked, his tone darkening. "It is easy for you to sit there and condemn me for staying here, but I am the only one standing between the First Order and the Resistance, don't you see that? If you want to help me, then join me here, we can destroy everything that is wrong with the galaxy. Together."

No, not this.

The anger inside her seethed. She didn't argue with him in the throne room, because she hadn't trusted him to let her go. But there was nothing he could do over the bond, so she would make him answer for it now. Rey wanted to shake him, snap him back to reality, make him see how wrong he was.

"No, Ben! Don't go down this path again! Don't be the man who killed Snoke for his throne! Don't be the man who chose power over me!"

"I killed Snoke to protect you!" he seethed. "I knew I had to kill him when I saw that vision in the hut. You put yourself at risk and forced my hand by showing up on the Supremacy! Why would you come to me? I walked into that throne room with no plan, no strategy, nothing... against the most powerful being in the galaxy. You are lucky it turned out the way it did! If he wanted to kill you himself, I would have been powerless to stop him! I trusted in the Force like I never have, had to watch him torture you. I couldn't react at all, or he would have known everything. I waited for the moment it would guide me to save you, because I knew the Force may abandon me, but it would never abandon you. It may have worked, but that could have ended a million other ways, most of them in your death."

He paused as he sucked in agitated breaths. "Sometimes, Rey, you can be frustratingly naïve. If I wanted to choose power over you, then I would have killed you and waited to overthrow Snoke until after I had the map to Skywalker, which died with him! I chose you over the only thing that had mattered to me for years! I didn't choose power over you! I asked you to share it with me! I am nothing without the First Order. I offered you everything, I offered you my hand and you tried to kill me."

His words were sharp and cutting, but his words also revealed a deep underlying wound. Even after witnessing his memories, she believed he had killed Snoke for power. It made sense that he also wanted power because he believed he could create something new, something better. After spending his entire life defending himself, he would finally have the power. What she hadn't considered was perhaps his desire to take the throne was a consequence of killing Snoke and not the catalyst. That would mean he did kill his master for her, and he believed she wanted to kill him for it.

"I didn't try to kill you. If I wanted to, I would have when you were unconscious. I could have done it when I checked to make sure you were okay," she said, blinking away tears. "And you did not offer me everything, not what I wanted. You only offered me your ambition."

His jaw clenched as the betrayal burned in his eyes. His sorrow did not stream down his cheeks, but it did flood his voice. "What do you want from me then! I begged you. I offered you the galaxy! Everything I have!"

"I didn't want the galaxy, Ben; I wanted you!"

He was quiet for a moment as he studied her, but it still wasn't enough to fight through the darkness. "This is me," he said, the betrayal fading to regret in his eyes.

She may have believed him once, but she had seen everything in his mind. She knew the truth. "No, I don't believe that. I know who you are. We both know who you truly are. And you are not a Sith. You are not Snoke. You are not some master of darkness."

Kylo exhaled slowly. "You're right, I am not a master of darkness; I am its prisoner." He worked his jaw, the foul taste of those words in his mouth evident in the repulsed expression that hardened his features. "I did not choose the darkness; the darkness chose me. It's too late. It's always been too late. My fall to darkness was inevitable. It was fate's design. There will always be darkness, Rey. That is what the Jedi never understood. There would be no light without it. I cannot deny the darkness because it is a part of me; it always has been. I was destined for this path before I was even born..." His eyes lost their focus as he absently stared beyond her, his thoughts were lost to the torment of his mind.

"No, that's not true," she grabbed his clenched fists to force him to look at her, but his eyes remained distant. "It is never too late to make the right choice, Ben – no matter what darkness is inside you, or torture you suffered through. You can still make the choice to be saved. I'll help you save yourself from the darkness."

Her words snapped his eyes back to hers. Had they been capable of lighting her on fire, she would have ignited under his gaze. "Is this all I am to you... a fight for my soul? Am I just some conquest to be won? Because that is all I ever have been to anyone."

"Is my worthiness in your eyes dependent upon whether I've embraced the light completely, denying who I truly am?" His teeth were clenched in a resentment that crashed through their bond. "Because I can never be what you want me to be."

"Does it matter what I want? Because I don't want to be what everyone has tried to make me be my entire life, Rey."

She chewed her lip with worry. This was infinitely more complicated than she had originally anticipated. She considered for a moment if she had been wrong. Was she trying to make him someone he wasn't? Was she not meant to help him save himself? If that was true, why had the Force bonded them?

"I'm fighting for you, because I know that the man that you pretend to be is not who you are. Ben, if you continue down this path, Kylo Ren will die, either by your side or mine. Don't let Ben Solo be another casualty of Kylo Ren. I don't want to lose Ben Solo. Is it so wrong to fight for someone I care for?"

His eyes studied hers carefully. "I thought I was impossible to care for," he replied bitterly, echoing her words.

"When you act like Kylo Ren you are!"

Rey immediately regretted her impulsive reaction.

His anger sparked in the bond like a rekindled ember. "This right here..." he shouted, pointing to his chest, "This is Kylo Ren. Or Ben Solo. Or whatever you want to call me. I'm not two different people living in one man's body! You seem to have this idea that everything I have done that you hate was Kylo, and everything I have done that you agree with is this so-called Ben. It's not. It was all me, no matter what name you use. There will never be a day when Kylo Ren miraculously disappears. Those actions that you hate are still mine. Pretending that there is some perfect man trapped inside me – only needing to be freed – is delusional. There are not two Reys – the one that tried to kill me and the one here in my arms. That was all you, and this is all me. It's easy to care for the man I am when we are alone but that means also caring for the Supreme Leader who killed his own father. Because I am both, Rey. This is all me!"

"Kylo Ren is not who you are. It is the mask you hide behind," she said categorically. "You can be Ben Solo again. It is not too late."

"Rey, can you be the person you were before your parents abandoned you? Or even the person you were before you left Jakku? The person you were before Han died? Or before you met Luke?"

"No, but I wouldn't want to be that person again. I would never go back to who I was in the past because everything that happened made me who I am, and I am proud of who I am," she said, "But, Ben – murder, darkness, galactic domination – that isn't you. It's what you've been led to believe you are."

"If you understand why you could never be that person again, then you understand why I cannot be Ben Solo."

"No. Ben Solo is the man you truly are, you just don't see it like I do. You can still come home." Kylo opened his mouth to react in anger, but stopped himself. He was quiet for a moment before speaking again.

"I'm not coming home," he whispered, not unkindly. Rey hiccuped a sob as her heart clenched. He hesitated before swiping his thumb gently across her cheek, catching her tear. "My life was never meant to last long, sweetheart. It is the fate of most Jedi and Sith who do not go into exile. And I will not hide from my destiny. My first memory is a droid trying to murder me, I do not fool myself into believing that my last will be old, warm in my bed, surrounded by family. My parents and grandparents, more worthy people than me, were not granted such a kind fate. Why would I? When I say Ben Solo is gone, it is not out of stubborn defiance. That name belongs to a man of the past, a man before Snoke. That man cannot return without rewriting the past."

"I know everything changed when you witnessed those memories," he continued softly. "I wish you never did. Because now you have hope for a man that I cannot be anymore. Even if I retook the name of that man, I will only disappoint you. I will never be him. That man died at Luke's hand. And I have made choices that have changed who I am. Ben Solo and Kylo Ren are just names, yes, but the legacy attached to those names are inherently different. What I have done as Kylo Ren is a legacy I will never escape. The galaxy will never see me as anything other than a monster. The man in my memories that you have compassion for, he's gone, Rey. All that is left is me." By the time he had finished, Rey was silently sobbing. She shook her head in denial, but the truth of his words lay heavy on her chest.

Kylo was right; she knew the man in his memories was gone. He carried burdens that had left scars deeper than the physical ones that marred his body. And just as the scar bisecting his cheek could not be removed to reveal the face that had been before, neither could his experiences and choices be taken back to reveal the man he could have become.

"But Kylo Ren is not real," she said. "And maybe you can't be who you once were, but that doesn't mean that you can't be the person I see inside. You have already committed treason for the Resistance. You know what the First Order is doing is wrong. You don't have to be who you used to be to come home. The sacrifices you made for Snoke were a lie, there is no reason to stay. Please, I don't want to lose you."

He smiled wanly, but it didn't counter the anguish in his eyes. "If I can't convince you to join the First Order, then I will have to accept that." His voice was even and controlled again. "You need to accept that I can't and won't join the Resistance. There is no path without consequence and no ending where either of us join the other side. That's the reality. All we have is this."

"Is that what you've decided for us, Ben? And when this ends?" she asked spitefully, rubbing at her eyes with the heels of her hands. "What do we do when we inevitably meet in battle, because your side is trying to kill mine. Do you expect me to fight you?"

"Yes, I do," he said, his voice adamant as if he wasn't asking her to consider the unimaginable. "And you will not hesitate. You will kill me, Rey, as you are destined to do." Kylo tried to reach out for her, to soothe her, but she pulled away.

"I won't kill you, Ben," her voice was as pointed as the daggers she was glaring at him. "I can't."

"You can," he insisted. "Promise me, if I ask you to, you will."

"No, I won't! I don't care what you say, I will never do that. We can run away, Ben. We can forget the First Order and the Resistance."

"Rey, stop. You don't want to run away." His voice was firm and unyielding as if she had no opinion on the matter. "You would never see anyone in the Resistance again. They are your family. You would never have a home because we would always be running. We would be hunted by the First Order, the Resistance, bounty hunters, you name it. Or you would be forced to a life of meaninglessness isolated on an uninhabited planet like you were on Jakku. You would give up your life for what? To save me? No Rey, I couldn't do that to you. You would resent me for the rest of your life."

"Ben, my life would not be meaningless," she said. "We can continue the Jedi Order and start our own Jedi temple! I have Luke's books!"

"We can't. It's a wishful dream," he murmured. His eyes were soft but unwavering. "The Jedi Order needs to die. You don't know it like I do. Their legacy is failure. I will end the weakness that is the Jedi Order; there is nothing you can do to change that."

"Then just come with me, Ben, please. Anywhere," she begged. "When you are away from the First Order, you'll see... you'll see what I see in you. We can come back when you're – "

"You say you want to go with me, but you don't want me. You want who you think I was, you want the aspiring Jedi Knight. You want my uncle... or my father. I could never be what you want me to be, because you won't accept me for who I am. I am Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader of the First Order. I will always have darkness in me." His tone was final, and there was a sharpness to it. Rey wondered if the anger was more directed at her or himself. "This is no different than holding onto hope for your parents all those years. You're holding onto ghosts."

"I've seen your nightmares, Ben," she sniffled. "I'm not the one holding onto ghosts."

He does these horrible things, and I thought he just doesn't care that he's wrong, but that's not it. He does these horrible things and convinces himself that he's right. He doesn't see this as evil. He doesn't see himself as wrong. He truly believes in what he is saying... which is terrifying. Ben is intelligent, logical and passionate, and his argument is valid. It is not necessarily his beliefs that are wrong; it's the method he feels is his only choice in applying them. He's not a monster. He's just too radicalized to see his own ideology for what it truly is. How do I help save a man when he doesn't know he needs to be saved?

"I know who you are, Ben Solo, even if you refuse to see it."

"I don't think I was ever Ben Solo. I was told how lucky I was to be me, and I was a monster if I didn't see it that way. But I wasn't me. I was Captain Solo and Senator Organa's son, Master Luke Skywalker's nephew, Ben Kenobi's namesake, Darth Vader's grandson. That is all I've ever been to anyone until I became Kylo Ren."

"But you can't run from your past," she said. "You can kill your father, your mother, Luke, Snoke, Jacen, me...everyone who has ever betrayed you, but that won't erase the scars. You can't destroy what they did. You can't destroy the pain it caused. All you will do is burden yourself with more suffering. You're trapped in the past, Ben."

"The past is trapped in me, Rey," he replied softly. "It always has been."

"I want to pretend that I don't know how you got here, Ben. But I saw everything. I understand how you became Kylo Ren. And honestly, I can't blame you, because we're not so different. You shouldn't have had to go through the loneliness and abandonment and betrayal that you went through. But you can't change what happened in the past. You can only change what happens now. Those people aren't here now. I am. You have to let go of the anger and resentment. Let go. Let the past go. That's the only way you can be who you're meant to be – Ben Solo."

His eyes flashed in humor as he recognized his words on her lips, but it was fleeting. A shadow darkened his features.

"No, Ben Solo is not dead," she whispered. "I see him in you; when you saved me, when you fought by my side, when you touched my hand...You asked me why I didn't take your hand. I did. In the hut, I took Ben's hand. I came halfway across the galaxy for Ben. For you. That's the man I want. Offer me Ben's hand again and I'll take it."

Kylo stared at her for far too long – eyes piercing to the deepest reaches of her soul. She thought he would finally see the truth, but he sighed instead, and then glanced away. "If only it were that simple."

"It has to be that simple, we need your help," she argued. "You are the galaxy's last hope, Ben."

Kylo huffed a soft chuckle. "No, Rey. You are." Her lips parted in awe as his words settled in the bond between them. She searched his eyes, and his brow furrowed slightly. There was uncertainty in them as if he feared he had said something wrong.

"I think that is one of the nicest things you have ever said to me," she whispered, "But I don't want to be the last hope."

His smile was remorseful. "Neither do I."

Rey was too discouraged to continue. She saw no point in trying to convince him of something so ingrained that it had become a part of him. Tears rolled down her cheeks and her body shook uncontrollably. She lowered her eyes, refusing to look at him. Remorse and sorrow trickled into the bond.

I know what happened to you, I know how you ended up here. So why am I so... disappointed? I have the answers to your past, but they bring me no closer to changing your future. I don't know what I expect from you. I know I'm asking for unattainable things. But what else would you have me do? Giving up on you would be sentencing you to death. But you have to save yourself, because you have to want to be saved. You're not ready yet. I want to keep waiting, but we're running out of time.

"Please don't hate me for being honest, Rey," Kylo whispered. "You make me want to be someone I wish I could be, even though I know I can't."

She raised her eyes to his. "I don't hate you, Ben," she said softly, "But do you know how much it hurts to watch you destroy yourself? For what? The First Order? When has the First Order cared about you beyond what you can do for them?"

"When has anyone cared about me beyond what I can do for them?" he replied.

"I care, Ben."

Perhaps he did it out of guilt, perhaps he did it to explain what words could not express, or perhaps he realized he had nothing left to give her, but she was overwhelmed with emotion as his mental barriers dropped away.

Rey did not have experience with emotions of those depths and ardency, she couldn't put a name to it, only recognize its familiarity in her own heart. It was an emotion of pure light, and had it not surprised her to feel such light in him, she might have further pondered the meaning of such a strong emotion. It filled her soul with a safe and comforting warmth – a warmth that matched the flickering in his soft brown eyes. She closed her own eyes and basked in his powerful light. It reignited her hope for him after his heartbreaking words.

When she opened her eyes, Kylo cautiously reached for her as if she were a steelpecker in the wastelands of the Jakku desert that would fly away at any moment. She leaned into his broad chest and he hesitantly wrapped his arms around her. I hate that you do this to me, Ben. How can I be so frustrated with you and yet all I can think about is staying in your arms? The thought of spending the rest of my life across the galaxy from you breaks my heart... but if this is the only way I can be in your arms then I will spend forever waiting for you like this.

Rey lifted her head off his chest, gaze downcast in disappointment. She sniffled. Kylo put his large hands on either side of her face and wiped her tears with his thumbs. She smiled up at him and searched his eyes. When her stare met his she discovered something new... something dangerous... flash across them. Looking into his eyes felt like the moment of anticipation before she jumped across a large expanse in a Star Destroyer.

She immediately became all too aware that her hands were on his broad, but very bare chest as they leaned into each other on his bed. Her heart fluttered as a different warmth shuddered through her. She couldn't deny, even in this moment of frustration with him, how attracted she was to him. There was a madness inside her, a tension that eased as the void between them closed, an irrational temptation luring her to him. She stared at his parted lips with a terrifying desire. The bond pulsed around them as he dipped his head and she tilted hers up to meet him. Her heart rate quickened. He was so close she could feel the warm puff of his heavy breaths on her lips.

What would happen if I kissed him?

Rey decided she wanted to find out. But when the Force sparked like electricity as the distance between them closed, leaving a tingle of anticipation on her lips, Kylo's body tensed under her grasp. She would have assumed it was the same nervousness as before, but he pulled away slightly. The bond hardened and her stomach sank. His palm slowly slid from her cheek, moving swiftly and stealthily like a stalking predator. Her eyes followed as his hand reached out with practiced precision. If her eyes hadn't been following his movements, she would have missed it. The Force spiked and a dark, formidable object was pulled fluently to his hand.

He had summoned his lightsaber.

Distrust. The bond was shuddering with distrust. A sickening terror twisted through her stomach. "Ben, why are you doing this? I don't understand?" Her head snapped back to anxiously search his eyes. His intense gaze did not meet hers as she had expected. He was staring behind her.

That was when Rey felt the other presence in the room.