After this long day, we found ourselves back in Ivan's summer house, sadly for me, I cannot seem to get as cozy as I was before we left. Now that I look around the house, I find it quite small, making me feel like I am trapped.
The night was quiet but my thoughts weren't, I had to accept the fact that I wouldn't have a good night's sleep, but refused to let that upset me, I only had to spend two more days in Russia and then I would come back to my house, my home. Somehow, throughout the storm of thoughts going around my head, I fell asleep without noticing
When I woke up, my eyes met the sight of bright sunshine seeping through the curtains, the room was hot, and I felt as if I was melting in the bed. The warmth and the little sleep I could have, mixed in my body, resulting in an unwillingness to move and a sense of exhaustion I should not have.
Barely able to turn on my side, out of breath, I find a familiar sight on top of the nightstand; a tall fresh sunflower placed in a vase. It wasn't there last night, I am sure of that. I sigh, forcing myself to stand up, I decide it's time to stop delaying the inevitable.
Once I've made myself presentable I go downstairs, the house is quiet, except for the sounds coming from the kitchen, the smell of coffee lingering in the air, and their voices are audible but not loud, when I enter the kitchen I see Alfred and Ivan casually talking, it's a silly conversation, something about the coffee, Alfred is seated in the isle across Ivan, who is leaning on the kitchen counter. They stop talking and look at me.
I felt self-conscious, not only of my actions as I get clumsy and my walking is slower, but of my demeanor, for I had no idea of how to approach the situation.
Should I say good morning or shrug it off and go towards the coffee?
I end up going for the polite option. "Good morning"
Alfred answered me. "Morning? Dude, it's like 2 pm."
"What?"
Ivan nodded. "We thought you were too tired, so... we didn't wake you up."
I only stared at them, are they serious?
Then Alfred broke in laughter and Ivan joined him.
I huffed at them and went to serve myself some coffee.
Ivan moved aside so I could reach the cupboard. "Sorry, we were planning this while you were upstairs, it was just a joke."
"Very funny."
Alfred giggled. "You should have seen your face, it was priceless."
I nodded and took a sip of coffee.
Alfred cleared his throat. "Anyways, guess who is going to get the breakfast?"
I rolled my eyes, of course they will punish me for being the last to wake up. "I am not really in the mood to go out, not with this weather."
Alfred smiled. "Oh no- he shook his head- I am sacrificing myself for the task of feeding ourselves, I will be your hero today. So you better like what I'll bring to you."
"We could just make breakfast here, I am sure we can prepare something with what is in your fridge-" I said while pointing at the refrigerator.
Ivan interrupted me. "We are missing the bacon."
"That's why I am getting it." Alfred asserted.
"Alright..." my response was hesitant, they were acting really weird.
We chatted a bit more until Alfred declared he was starving and went out of the house.
When I heard the door close, I turned to look at Ivan. "That was the worst excuse ever. I thought you knew how to lie well."
Ivan shifted from one foot to another. "Yes... I didn't even try. But the important thing is, we can finally talk without having him here."
"I guess so." I replied slowly.
"Yeah..." Ivan seated next to me in the isle, placing his hands on the table. "Yao, I don't know how to start this conversation, so I'll just go with it and..."
"Sure." I didn't meant to interrupt him but I was getting anxious with every second.
He sighed. "I understand that we have unresolved issues, things that we should have said or done before..."- he held his hands together- "I am concerned by the fact of you being scared of me, and I know you have all the right to be but..." His voice was wavering. "I ... I thought that was left in the past..."
I looked at the table, I felt guilty. "I'm sorry"
Ivan's voice raised, a bit agitated. "No, do not apologize, as I said, you have all the right to be scared just like the Baltics or... or Prussia..."
I could notice this was hard for him so I tried to soothe him, the problem was, I didn't know how to. "Ivan..."
He interjected again. "No, you are right, because I... I did... it was wrong, I thought I was doing what was best for all, but I never asked them what they wanted, I just thought it was logical for them to be happy, for I was providing them the safety they did not have." - He was shaking his head- "But I was also keeping them secluded... I wanted... I thought that perhaps, if we shared the same beliefs, the same language, the same customs, they would understand... they would accept their fate and become not only allies but... family... but they didn't like the idea, they refused, and I forced them to do it, and they hated me for it..."
I felt really bad, if this is how Ivan thinks, there is no doubt he blames himself for everything. "They didn't hate you..."
"Yes they did, some of them still do..."-He looked up at me- "...and when you became the People's Republic of China, I thought that you would understand, and you did... in a way... but you were different too, and I was scared because you would do the same, you would hate me too..." -He paused and took one of the ends of his scarf between his hands staring intently at it- "...So I asked you to come to my house, because if you weren't influenced by others you would learn, not to hate me... and you didn't..." –He fixed his eyes on me again- "Why didn't you hate me, Yao? You should have, I was trying to split you from your land."
I didn't know what to say, he was obviously distressed but I could not bring myself to do anything. "You are being really hard with yourself..."
He shook his head. "Why didn't you hate me? I used you, I was keeping you in my house, I was tricking you, I purposely used your emotions against you, so you wouldn't leave."
That was hard to hear, I felt overwhelmed and I could barely talk. "I was... I thought... "
He hid his face with his hands. "I am so sorry, I am really sorry for doing that, and halfway through it, I realized I felt bad for doing so, because I... I grew fond of you, you were kind, and I felt horrible, I felt guilty..."
I kept silent, waiting for him to speak again.
He retrieved his hands, placing them on the table again and staring at them. "I know this isn't even the way to apologize, but I can't say I am completely sure of my intentions back then, I started to annoy you, so you would leave, but every time you came to my office to speak about it, I was afraid." –He paused, taking some breaths before continuing– "I was scared of being left alone... and then... then you made up your mind... and I... couldn't handle it, I was suddenly facing a situation where I could not decide what I wanted. But I am glad you left..."
I raised my eyebrows. That last line taking me by surprise, or perhaps confirming what I already thought, he hated me, of course he would, and suddenly I felt sad, I was hoping that somehow he didn't, but he has the right to do so, just as I have the right to be scared.
Ivan kept talking. "Back then I was confused, I was angry, I thought you were betraying me but I was also relieved, I was not able to hurt you anymore, not as I did with the others." –His hands were trembling- "Nevertheless, I was also bitter, because I could not reach out to you, we were officially enemies, you hated me, I could not even speak casually with you." -He knitted his eyebrows together- "But Alfred could, and he made sure to rub that in my face. So I tried to convince myself, that you were a traitor, that you were an enemy, that I hated you. But I never did, I couldn't."
He was fidgeting with the ends of his scarf his eyes fixed on the table, he stood up. "I am sorry, I... you should be the one talking, I am just justifying my actions, you should not have to hear that."
It took me some moments to reply, to understand all of what he had said. I stood up too, smiling softly. "It is ok, Ivan, I think this is more fruitful than me being the one talking because I am not even sure of what to say. I am reassured in a way, for you telling me that you do not hate me, lifts a huge weight off my back."
He looked at me, and took a step closer, carefully placing his hands on my shoulders, his head lowered and his expression soft.
I knew that expression, I've seen it a lot in my siblings' faces, it's the face of someone who is looking for comfort, reassurance, so I complied, I hugged him and he seemed surprised by it, he was tense but relaxed after a moment, hesitantly enveloping me with his arms.
He muttered. "Yao, I do not hate you, I never had. I-"
I interrupted him. "-I do not hate you either, I'm sorry if it seemed like that, it's just... we have to do what's best for our people and I-"
"No Yao, I love you."