In the car there was not much to say for both, and they didn't know exactly how to pull out a conversation. None of them were sure of what they could talk about, especially James who had his head spinning from having her there with him, just like the old times. Rafaela watched the streets, almost emptied trying to distract herself, and then she felt her stomach flipping and then roaring, the sound was so loud that it echoed loud in the car, making James giggle. That incident was enough to break the ice. He turned his head at her when he stopped on a red light and she shrugged.
"I guess I am hungry." She said.
"What did you have for dinner?"
"We went to a Greek, but that was already some hours ago, it's almost two am."
"That one near the Hilton?" He asked remembering she loved to go there.
"Yes." Rafaela replied excited he remembered. "That's the one."
Not wanting to let her go yet, James came up with an idea. "How about if we go for a hotdog before I drop you home?" He suggested. He could stay a while longer with her. He wanted stay longer with her. He missed her so much.
"I don't know..." She said reluctantly.
Tony's and Lars' words echoed on his mind, as them saying he knew how to please her and what she liked. "We can go for those near the bridge." He insisted knowing it was her favorite, and they had been there many times at night, sometimes with Liam sleeping on the backseat.
"Those are amazing." She smiled remembering it.
"Can we go there?" He insisted. "I am also hungry."
"Ok." Rafaela accepted his offer. She didn't want to let go just yet too.
As he began to drive again, she eyed him by the corner of her eye. It was ok not to let him go right away. She was enjoying his company, she even found out that she wanted his company more than any other. She missed him most of all. He was the one she missed the entire time in therapy. Silence came back but she still eyed him now and then, she remembered how she'd always rested a hand on his leg while he was driving and fought hard the willingness of doing so and at the same time the feeling that was refraining her from doing so. She didn't have the right to touch him. She shook her head to make it back on track.
James parked the car and they walked up to the rollout, where James asked and paid for two hotdogs. Then they sat on a wooden bench near the car.
"Hum..." She said when she took the first bite. "I missed these." James saw the smile on her lips and was satisfied he had been the one to do put it on her face.
"And you didn't want to come." He teased her.
"It's a bit late for me." She admitted, letting him know little details.
"You can't stay out late?" He asked fearing he was stepping on her rules.
"Not really. I mean... my doctor says I can go on and have a normal life now, but it's weird for me. I had schedules in the hospital. We used to go to bed really early, so I still feel like I have to go according to these schedules still." She explained. If she was remembering correctly, it was the first time ever she was sharing details of her therapy with someone.
James looked down at her wrist while she was talking, and he saw the mark there. His eyes flooded with tears and he turned his face away fast so she wouldn't notice the tears in his eyes. Knowing and seeing what she did to herself hurt him. He could have lost her right there. Thanks to Kelly, she was able to be having that hotdog with him. Still, Rafaela noticed his sudden move.
"Is everything alright?" She asked him.
"Yeah... it is." He said pretending he was watching his car, waiting for his eyes to go back to normal. "How do you feel?" James asked then. She looked at a distant point and said nothing. "It's ok if you don't want to answer. I am sorry."
"No..." She said looking in his eyes, remembering Tony asking her to trust people, and the person in front of her was James. Her James. He was the one she had to trust the most.
"I feel alright. I feel weird..." She corrected then. It was the first time she was admitting it to someone other than her doctor how she truly felt. "It's weird to be back on the streets again. It's weird to talk to people... I am sorry if I sound awkward at times. I don't know how to explain it... I think I am just afraid to go back to that darkness, where I couldn't see bright in anything. Other than that, my head is fine. I am living one day at a time, like I was taught how to do. I owe a lot to the people who treated me these three months. And you, how are you?"
"Living one day at a time as well, just like you." He told her.
"I've heard the tour was a success." She said changing the subject.
"It was insane." He explained. "But it was awesome as well, maybe not so awesome to me..." There he looked at her and he saw her eyes sunk in sadness. "I'm sorry Rafi... I shouldn't..."
"I think I need to go home now." She told him and James got up.
"Let's go then." Though he wanted to stay with her longer, he thought it was better not to push it, she even said it herself that everything was just too weird for her and he wanted her to feel comfortable around him.
It didn't take long until he parked in front of her house. The moment he stopped, they stared at each other silently. Again, not knowing what to say.
"Well, thank you again." Rafaela finally spoke.
"It was nice to see you again." James told her.
"You too." With that she opened the door and got out of the car.
James clutched his hands onto the steering wheel and then in a rampant he opened his door and got out too. "Rafi?" He called her name, making her come to halt and look back. "I'm going to a car's show tomorrow, maybe you'd like to come? I mean... with me..." He stuttered a bit in the end.
"A car's show?" She said surprised.
"I like cars, it's my new hobby. It's downtown and it's old classics. I think you're gonna like it, if you don't have anything to do."
"What time?" She asked.
"After lunch." He said.
She shook her head and his heart sunk in sadness. "I can't. I have a meeting with my doctor at that time and I can't miss my meetings." Rafaela told him.
He wanted her company. He wanted to be with her, and her meeting was important, so he remade his invitation. "What time are you free?" He asked.
"Around four."
"Then I can come to pick you up around that time. I don't mind..." He shoved his hands nervously in the pockets of his jeans waiting for her answer. His heart racing expectantly.
"Ok." She finally agreed. "Goodnight." She smiled and he smiled back.
"Night." He answered still with a smile on his face and that had been the happiest he had felt in last three months.
She came back to bed smiling, happy she had talked to him and that she was going to see him again. James, on the other hand was fighting the urge to text her a sweet message before going to sleep. He fought it with all strength he had but he knew now for real he had to go slow, take baby steps, be patient, something he knew he was not but caught himself all willing to be. Knowing he didn't want to be alone in that bed of his, he closed his eyes praying one day she'd be by his side again. That night he was all ready to fight for it.
In the morning Rafaela received a visit, her mother.
"Hi mom." She said when she opened the door, smiling and holding her tight.
Cynthia held her daughter for the first time since she got out of the hospital or even better, in the last months, since Rafaela refused any physical contact and acted a bit distant all the time. Though happy with her tender gesture, she couldn't but think that something good had happened to her the previous day.
"How are you?" Cynthia asked her when they separated. "You're smiling." She commented noticing a different glitter in Rafaela's eyes.
"Do you want coffee or tea or anything to drink?" Rafaela offered instead of answering the question. Cynthia noticed that even the tone of her voice was different. Something happened.
"No, I am fine." Cynthia refused and then stared at her a bit more to confirm if the glitter was there, and it was. Rafaela grabbed her hand and pulled her to the living room, where they both sat on the couch.
"I can see you're feeling better sweetie." Her mother commented, insisting to know what had happened but making it in a subtle way. Just like James, she had been advised on how to deal with her in these hard times.
"I saw James last night." Rafaela told her not taking it any longer. She needed to tell someone right at that moment, she couldn't wait until she met Tony to tell him.
"Really?" Cynthia asked surprised but understanding it all. She knew her daughter had never stopped loving him. Rafaela nodded enthusiastically.
"I went out last night with some friends from college. We went to dinner and then we went to a club and he was there." The smile on her lips, the smile of joy made her mother smile at her too. Cynthia was glad they had met, the least, that encounter made Rafaela smile in a way she hadn't seen since they had broken up.
"Did you talk to him?"
"We talked, yes. James offered me a drink and then he brought me home, but I was hungry, and he took me for some hotdogs. It was really cool."
"And how do you feel?" Her mother asked, though she didn't need an answer. Everything was written over Rafaela's face, of course she had liked it. Of course, he was the man of her life.
"He said he wants us to be friends." Rafaela said instead, she didn't want to share any more than that.
Cynthia felt her going defensive and even felt a little hurt inside. She couldn't open to her. Rafaela didn't want to share intimate feelings with her still.
"You have to give him time." Cynthia said accepting her distance, and still advising her the best she could, for she knew that was not what Rafaela wanted from him.
"Well, that's all that happen." Rafaela said ending up the conversation.
She felt if they'd go further in that conversation, she would have to say more than she wanted, and she didn't know why but she didn't feel capable of sharing these feelings with anyone, except with Tony. With him she knew she would talk about it later. Or James, to whom she had admitted things she hadn't so far to anyone, but she also couldn't tell him how she really felt about him.
Cynthia had lunch with her daughter, James's subject was dropped quite soon, so they just talked about random things. Cynthia was ok with that, as long as she could reconnect and gain her daughter back, everything would be alright. Even, during the whole time she was with her, she could see how just a few hours with James had changed Rafaela so much already. After lunch, Rafaela left to her meeting with the doctor and never told her mother she was meeting James after it. She drove slow until downtown and parked her car at the usual spot, then she went inside and greeted the secretary cheerfully.
"Doctor Smith told me to get you inside the office right away." Rhonda told her.
The secretary knocked and opened the door when she heard the orders to do so. Rafaela thanked her and stepped inside, smiling at Tony right away. He noticed how her eyes had this glitter that wasn't there before and even her smile seemed more genuine. Something had happened.
"You look like you're in a good mood." Tony commented and he greeted her.
"I saw James last night." She said immediately, knowing she could talk freely with him, and she was dying to do so, to hear what he had to tell her, his view of the events.
"Oh really?" He asked surprised himself, as he never thought James would jump in the game that fast.
"It was by accident. We happened to be at the same club. I went there with some friends. The thing is we talked, and he drove me home and for hotdogs and it was really nice."
Tony noticed that even the excitement in her voice was different. Like he had predicted, James was the missing link in Rafaela's life. "How do you feel?"
Her smile disappeared and he eyed her attentively. "He says he wants to be just friends." Tony realized James was following his instructions.
"And you don't want to be just friends. You hurt him... a lot..." He recalled. After all he had to make her understand that she couldn't go just "unpunished" with her actions, that it also had consequences to other people.
"Yeah... and I guess that's the price I have to pay for it. I knew the things I told him, even if at a very weird place, would determine the end of it all. Though it's weird to have him just as my friend, I'd rather have him in my life like that than not having him at all."
"How did the conversation go?"
"Fine. I opened up a little bit with him. I told him a few things that I had only admitted to you. I don't know... it's good to talk to him and maybe I am expecting for a miracle or something that if he understands how I feel that he forgives me."
"Why don't you tell him how you really feel?" Tony pushed her a little.
Rafaela fell silent and played with her hands. He looked at the clock to see how long she would take to answer his question, and it took her three long minutes. Tt was alright though, it meant she was thinking about it and that's exactly what he wanted.
"I am afraid. I am afraid that he says no and then what my reaction is going to be. I am afraid I come back to where I was, and I don't want that. I want to be healthy and sane." She told him. "I don't want my head to go back to that dark place. I want my life back."
Tony curled an eyebrow. "If you never tell him how you really feel, you'll always be in doubt." He insisted.
"I can't Tony. I can't come up to him and tell him I still love him and that I want him back so much.." She shook her head and he saw some struggle in there. "I don't have the right to tell him this..."
"Maybe that's all he wants to hear." He told her, and he knew that was really what James wanted to hear.
"I don't think so. I think him saying he wants us to be friends means he's just up to that and nothing more.."
"Start to say you're sorry. I've told you this already. Not by a text but in a conversation. You owe him that." He instigated her.
"I know." She offered him a smile. "Can we finish a bit sooner today?"
Tony curled an eyebrow. "Why?"
"James invited me to go with him somewhere. I want to go home and look pretty." She explained.
He smiled at her and nodded. "So, you're going out with him again? We're done." He said. "Come back tomorrow." More than him, she needed to reconnect with James. They needed to reconnect, both and for that they had to spend time together.
"Same time?"
"Yes." He smiled.
Rafaela went home and got in running up to her room. She opened the drawer and raided her clothes with her eyes to find out what to wear. She chose a white dress. She knew he loved her in that dress and went for a quick shower. Then she got dressed and put on some light makeup, sooner than four pm, he rang the bell. Rafaela grabbed her purse and came back downstairs running. When she opened the door, she saw him at the gate and he waved, she waved back and then locked the door.
James was wearing his hair tied up and a cap. Faded blue jeans and cowboy boots, combining with a black shirt. He smiled at her when she approached him, and then they greeted each other awkwardly.
"Hi." She said panting a bit from running.
"You look pretty." He complimented her.
"Ah..." She shrugged. "I just grabbed first thing I saw in the drawer but thank you." She lied. She had thought of what he liked.
James opened the door for her, and she hopped inside the car. Rafaela watched him while he walked to the driver's side and noticed how he looked a bit tired.
"Are you tired?" She asked him.
"A little bit." He said, though he knew he was hangover.
"You went somewhere after dropping me?" She asked out of curiosity.
"No, I went home. I went to bed but then I couldn't sleep and stayed up late watching TV." He said not wanting to tell her what the truth was. He had drank himself to sleep.
They finally got to the venue and they began their way inside the pavilions.
"So, cars are your new thing?" She said after watching at least twenty different cars.
"I've always loved them, and you know it, but I developed this new thing for old cars and then restore them and make them look really nice. I have some great ideas, but I want to find the perfect car to make them come into life." He explained all excited he was sharing that with her.
"That sounds like a cool hobby." She said looking around. "Look at this one!" She exclaimed pointing at a Camaro. "So cool!"
"It's beautiful." He said and she looked at him to find him with shinning eyes watching the car.
"It sure is."
Tired of walking around, they sat for a while to rest their legs. She was in a good mood and he couldn't be happier to have her there with him.
"How was the meeting?" He asked interested, of course, on how her meetings were doing.
"It was nice."
"How is it like to be doing therapy?"
"I needed it. I see now that I really needed it. I tried to..." She didn't finish it and took a deep breath. It was painful for her to remember.
"Go on..." He said knowing why she stopped, but he needed to make her talk.
"I needed to learn how to deal with things and I didn't know at all how to deal with it. I couldn't stand all the pain, the void that he left." There she looked in his eyes and he felt his heart racing. Her eyes glittered with tears probing from them. "James I am so sorry for the things I've told you. None of that was your fault." She found the courage to tell him and he looked at her amazed she was actually apologizing with words and in front of him, he needed that from her. For him that was enough.
"You know what?" He smiled. "Let's not talk about that. We're here and we're having a good time." She nodded smiling.
"Found anything you want to buy?" She then asked him.
"Not yet, but it was worth it for everything I saw in here." His hands trembled a bit in need and he wrapped his fingers around each other to make it stop. He was in deep trouble.
She noticed his hands trembling a bit though. "Why are your hands trembling?" She asked and James looked down.
He knew what was happening, he was craving for the drink he didn't have because he was meeting her, but he couldn't let her know about that. He couldn't let anyone know about it. Though he told Lars he could stop it, deep inside he knew he couldn't, because this voice inside of him, yelling at him to have a drink was letting him know that he couldn't. Also, the way his body reacted to abstinence, that's why, after getting to bed so happy for being with her, he had to get up and have a few beers, because he couldn't stand it. The physical abstinence was almost unbearable and that's why she noticed he looked tired, because he had been drinking all alone in the house until almost morning.
"It's nothing. I don't know maybe I am just stressed out. Want to have dinner?" He said diverting the subject completely.
"If you let me buy it." She said.
"Oh, come on..." He giggled.
"I am serious!" She said getting up.
"Ok." He agreed.
Rafaela chose Fred's, a steak house near the venue where they were, and James began to drive there. When they stopped at a red light, he saw a poster announcing the concert of Bruce Springsteen.
"Are you going tomorrow?" He asked since he knew Springsteen was her idol.
"No." She said sadly. "No one likes him and the only person that could go with me was Kelly but she's on her honeymoon, so I don't want to go alone."
"Too bad, you like him so much."
"It's ok." She shrugged. James stared back at the poster and then turned his head back at her.
"Do you want me to go with you?" He offered.
"James, you hate his music! It's not your thing at all... You wouldn't have fun, it's ok, but thanks for the offer."
James couldn't care less if he liked the Boss or not, all he wanted was to be with her and please her, but he didn't say a thing. When passing by the Fillmore, the place where the concert was going to take place, he turned the steering wheel in a rampant and pulled the car over.
"Where are you going?" Rafaela opened his eyes at him in surprise.
"Buy two tickets for Springsteen tomorrow. You're going, and you're going with me." He said and then left before she could say anything.
"James..." She called his name, but he didn't look back. Rafaela leaned back against her seat and smiled all alone. "I love you..." She whispered watching him buying the tickets in the box office.