Late at night, after James had put Liam to sleep, he met Rafaela in the kitchen, she was putting the cutlery in the dish washer and he came to grab her from behind. He needed to apologize and apologize really well, he knew that. Rafaela was still mad at him, so she shook him away.
"Don't hold me." She said not looking at him.
Behind her, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. She could make him lose his patience sometimes. "Come on..." He said then grabbing her hand, she turned around. "I am sorry!" He said. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Is Liam sleeping?" She asked pretending his caress didn't matter.
"Yes." He said not letting go, though she was trying to pull her hand away. She hadn't talked to him after they got home. "Don't pull your hand away, come on..." He asked.
"You yelled at me this afternoon, you hurt me, and you acted like I was some sort of irresponsible, something I am not. I am a good mother, you sounded like I wasn't, that's not good. That's not a good thing to hear from anyone and especially from you." She shot at him.
"I have been telling you to put the fence there since forever." He argued. "I am afraid he goes there alone!
"God...you live terrified with the fucking pool! I was watching him!" Rafaela raised her tone. "Stop being so overprotective. Nothing is going to happen to him!"
"It is dangerous, and you know it. Ever since he started to walk and run that we talked about putting the damn fence there. He can't swim!" He argued back. "I am terrified that something happens to him, Rafi! You better than anyone should understand my fear... fuck!"
"That doesn't mean you had to say or do things the way you did." She turned around again, giving him her back. "I know all about your fears... you need to let go. You need to relax a bit more."
James walked around her and put himself in front of her. "This is part of the reason why I don't want to have another kid now..." He dropped the bomb. "It's too much responsibly and I don't want any more responsibility." Rafaela stared at him. "Raising him is amazing and I love him like I can't even describe but the fear that something happens to him drives me insane. "
"So, this is not even about the fucking band..." Rafaela said looking in his blue gaze.
"It's also that, yes. We are so damn busy... Bob Rock is fucking insane... he comes with ideas that I don't understand sometimes. This album is taking ages to record just one song... it is also that..."
"But you are also afraid of responsibility..."
"Yes..."
"You are unbelievable!" Rafaela exclaimed and turned her back on his again to leave. James went after her.
"Why do I always have to be the one to come up to you trying to sort things out? Why, for once, can't you swallow your pride and come to me? I am always the one trying to make you talk, trying to kiss you, trying to hold you. You're so proud!" He yelled.
"Usually you're the one losing your grip." She shot.
"Oh no..." He waved his finger in front of her nose. "No I am not! Many times you were the one to pick up a fight out of nowhere and still I had to be the one to come to you."
She turned around to him again. "What has this to do with what happened this afternoon?"
"Everything! I have been asking you to do something that you haven't done, and it is to protect our son. It is not like I am asking you something really hard to do, and still you spent the whole time without talking to me, not even looking at me. I think, you could, for once, come to me and say you're sorry. I don't even need the words you know, all it took was for you to come and hold me or kiss me, but you never do that. I have to be the one to do that. I hate it when you go silent on me, when you act like you're always right and you're not. I am your boyfriend, there's nothing wrong with swallowing your fucking pride sometimes and try to make things right for us. I feel like if I don't do anything, we're gonna be without talking forever. Or maybe it's because I love you enough to hate to be without talking to you, or maybe you love me a little less and you're ok with that."
She looked at him startled. "Oh James..." She said rolling her eyes.
"No!" He exclaimed annoyed again. "I am right! You know that I am right!"
"You fucking hurt me this afternoon! Do you even remember that? You held me so strong that you hurt me! Look..." She placed her wrist right in front of his eyes. "There's your fingers still marked in here. I don't have to apologize shit to you!" James locked his eyes on her wrist. He didn't think it had been that bad.
"Rafi..." He whispered.
"You hurt me..." She said with tears flickering in her eyes. "I understand all your fears, really I do. But using strength on me, James... what the hell happened? You've never done that!"
"I am sorry..." He cupped her face between his hands. "I am so sorry... I didn't think I had grabbed with such strength..."
"But you did... Please... control your fear. Nothing is going to happen to him."
"Please forgive me..." He said. Rafaela knew he hadn't done that on purpose.
"What's happening to us?" She asked leaning against the counter. "We fight so much right now; we weren't like that."
"It's been six years and not six months. Second, we have a kid, and parents fight because of them, because they don't always agree with what to do. Third, we've grown up, some things in us changed. That's what happened, but it doesn't mean I love you less, I still love you. You're still the one, that hasn't changed at all."
His words hit her heart warmly and she gave two steps in his direction, resting her hands on his chest. "I know, I just don't like the part where we fight. I love you too, don't doubt that. I don't love you less than before, I still love you too much now."
James cupped her face between his hands. "It all changed when Liam was born remember? We became parents. We got more demanding on both ends. Me towards you and you towards me."
"It did change, didn't it?" She smiled.
"Yes. You began to nag me for not helping you with him. I began to point my finger at you when you did something I didn't agree."
"Is that why you don't want to have another baby?"
"No... I explained." He said low. "I love what I have with you, with the fights or without the fights, they're part of it. I just really don't want to have a baby now, that's all."
"I wish you'd spent more time at home, with us. Liam misses you; you know? He's so little. It's hard to explain why you have to be away because he doesn't understand. The band is taking you away from us, at least, that's how I feel it." She confessed.
"You knew I was in a band babe." He said resting his forehead against hers.
"I know... I don't want you to think that I don't support you. I do. It's just that sometimes I feel like you leave us behind, making the band your priority."
"My priority is you and Liam." He affirmed. "But I do love the band as well and I love music and to create. I cannot live without it. I promise you after this fucking album is done, I will slow down a bit. I promise you that."
"I do hope you go really big, really famous and achieve all that you want to achieve with it, but I also hope you won't forget about us. It's hard to live without you here and last year was a really long year, and then you came back and I thought you were going to spend more time with us, and you went to the studio, and you spend most of your time in there."
"You're scaring me now..." He said.
"Don't be, really. I love you and I am not going anywhere." She kissed his lips. "I promise I will take care of that fence tomorrow. I'll look around for someone who can build it."
"Don't leave me Rafi. All I am doing is for me, but it's for us too." His insecurities spoke louder.
She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Silly."
"I don't know...I felt a weird vibe all of a sudden." He confessed.
"Babe, that doesn't even cross my mind." She assured him. James pulled her face away and kissed her.
"Then why are you telling me all that?"
"I don't know... I just had to make you understand how I also feel, that's all. I also have the need to let things out. It does feel like you're making the band your priority and leaving us behind, but I don't know...maybe that's my loneliness talking you know? I do love you and I am not planning to leave you, I asked you to have another baby! How is that a plan to leave you?" She smiled.
"And I said no." His gaze fell on his feet feeling like he was failing her.
"And I don't want you to change your mind just because you think I am fed up with our life and you're afraid that I am going to leave you. I am not going anywhere. I want you to say yes because you want it too, you said you didn't want it, it hurt me, but I can live with that ok? But I can't live without you."
"Don't get me wrong, I want to have more kids with you. I just don't want them now. I feel like I have so much in my hands now. Baby, if Liam hadn't happened, we probably still wouldn't have kids now."
"You can't say that, because we don't know. I mean we have Liam, and this was our life until now. We can't imagine how it would be without him because our ideas could be right, but it could be wrong as well. Let it go... really. And I am sorry if I make you feel like you always have to come to me."
James giggled. "You are one spoiled brat and proud as fuck babe."
"Yeah...and I also left everything behind to stay with you."
"Fact." He grabbed her hand and pulled her back against her body.
"I would do it again if I had to. I'd go until the end of the world for you." Rafaela told him.
"I promise I'll try to balance my schedules a bit better." He pecked her.
"Don't promise me things you can't keep. Things are the way they are, we'll manage."
"I am sorry for hurting you..." He said placing a kiss on her wrist.
"It's ok. You know how sensitive my skin is." She ran a hand over his hair. "Want to go to bed? I am really tired."
James shook his head. "Go ahead, I'll stay here a bit more. I'll have a beer."
"Night then." She stood on the tip of her toes and kissed him one more time.
"Night princess."
Rafaela woke up to find out she was still alone in bed. She turned the light on to read the time. It was 2am and she got up. Seeing a soft light on the porch, she went there. James was sat on the wooden floor with three cans of beer as a company. Feeling the chill of the night, she wrapped her robe around her body and then sat by his side.
"It's late." She commented. "You're gonna be tired tomorrow."
James looked at her and shot her a soft smile, holding her hand after and then wrapping his fingers around hers. "It's ok, I'll go a bit later than usual. I'm not that sleepy. I was thinking about what you told me..." He breathed in the end.
"Oh baby..." She said sweetly. Then she bent over him and caressed his face. "It's not to make you think, we were just talking about things in our life and I said that."
"Because it bothers you." He stated looking in her eyes. Her thumb caressed his cheek.
"A little yes, but it's not to leave you all concerned and thoughtful. Oh James..." She pecked him. "I just love you, that's why I complain, nothing else."
"You complain that you love me." He giggled playing with her, by distorting the meaning of her words.
"Ah!" She exclaimed laughing. "Oh yes, that's a huge problem in my life."
"I just don't want you to have anything to complain about, that's all."
"That's impossible baby. Two people are not the same, and we're different in many ways. Still, we complete each other in so many other ways as well. It's part of a couple's life. It's life in its purest meaning. I have my complaints about you, and you have some about me as well, that's how it goes."
"Mommy... mommy..." They heard a cry coming from inside the house. Rafaela got up.
"I'm here sweetie." She said going inside to find Liam crying and rubbing his eyes. "Hey..." She crouched in front of him.
"You were not in your bed." He said and she realized he was just scared.
"Come here." She said grabbing him under his arms and picking him up, then she walked outside.
"Hey buddy." James smiled at his son, clutched onto his mother chest. "What happened?"
"I had a bad dream." He said.
"Mommy and daddy are here." She said running a hand over her son's hair. Liam leaned his head against her chest, sleepy and she wrapped her robe around him. "It's a bit cold for you."
"Want to go to bed?" James asked him but Liam shook his head. "But it's late..." He insisted.
"No." Liam said determined.
James and Rafaela smiled at each other and remained silent, just contemplating the sky, while Liam was falling asleep in her arms. Sometime after, James looked at him to find him already passed out.
"He's sleeping." He told her.
Rafaela got up. "I'm gonna put him back in bed."
"I'll go inside too; guess I can have some sleep now."
While he got himself ready to sleep, she went to tuck her son in. When she came back, James was already in bed waiting for her. As she lied down by his side, he turned on his side and played with a strand of her hair.
"Will you really look for someone to put the fence near the pool?"
"I promised you." She affirmed.
"Don't get me wrong and I am sorry I yelled at you, but it's very dangerous."
"I just think you're too afraid, that's all, but it's ok. I don't want you to think I am irresponsible, so I'll do it."
"I know we're always watching him Rafi, but it gives me the creeps whenever I see him running to it. I don't know... I can't explain, maybe it's just a father's thing."
"It's lovely how you're always protecting him and thinking about him, but you also need to chill a little. I understand where you fear comes from, but you need to free yourself from it too."
"It's not easy, Rafi..." He confessed.
"I wish I had a way of helping you."
"You help. You help all the time." He told her.
She smiled at him and he bent down to kiss her. Only it was just not a peck, his lips were demanding more. She parted hers and his intruding tongue invaded her mouth, searched for hers and entangled with hers on a slow, teasing dance.
"Hey..." She whispered when he pulled away, running a hand through his hair.
"We can have the baby after the album is done." He said.
"Really?"
"Yes. I also thought about that. I am terrified of more responsibility, but I think we can do it." He said pecking her once, then twice, then his lips demanded more again. Another slow, languid kiss like only he could pull out.
"And you're up to something." She giggled when he pulled away, but he stayed at the tiny distance of noses touching.
"Yeah..." He whispered against her lips. "I'm up to some adult entertainment with you. How's that?"
"I don't know... can you convince me?"
He bit her neck softly and ran his hand under her top, until he reached her breast, his thumb circled her nipple. "Well... it was never very hard to do so." He said and she tapped his back laughing.
"Are you saying that I am easy?" She grabbed his face and pulled him up to find him smiling.
"When it comes to sex?" He asked. "Oh yes... I can convince into sex way easier than anything else." He laughed loud.
"James!" She exclaimed laughing too but playing the offended she took her hands to his chest and pulled him away. He laughed loud. "Bastard!" She rolled on top of him and bit his neck. His arms surrounded her, and he rolled her over, regaining his position on top.
"You like it as much as I do." He said in her ear still teasing her.
Rafaela opened her legs and wrapped them around his waist. "I won't confirm that."
James took the chance to dry hump her, yanking a soft sigh off her lips. "You don't have to; I just know it." He pecked her.
"Basically I discovered my sexuality with you." She said serious, that was a fact.
"Oh... now it's my fault!" He giggled, still humping her over her fabric.
"God... it's feeling good." She closed her eyes.
"Is it?" He kissed her.
"Yes... are you going to do me, or are you going to stay here talking?" She defied him.
"Damn... what did I say?" He laughed against her lips kissing her.
She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Just fucking do me and stop talking."
"What do you want me to do to you?" He whispered in her ear, biting her lobe.
"Everything and you can use the lube too." He brought his face near hers.
"Damn... so fucking frisky!" He growled and then pressed his lips against hers and still humping her. He knew if he insisted, he'd make her come like that for a starter and he loved that.