Healing Gabriel: Chapter Forty-Five
xEvan's POVx
The clock across the wall read nine in the morning when I woke up. I wasn't alone, though. Nurse Nina was there, having already opened the window's blinds and was now setting out my designated breakfast, which consisted of the finest cuisine the hospital had to offer: shitty scrambled egg whites and soggy wheat toast. "That stuff smells nasty," I told her through a tired yawn, not bothering to lift my head from my lumpy pillow.
"I made sure to grab you some jelly this time," she responded, situating the pullout tray above my lap. "Also, you may want to eat quickly. That Gabriel of yours is here, has been since eight, waiting for you to wake up. I told him that you have to eat first."
That got my attention. I pushed myself up in the uncomfortable hospital bed, a slightly difficult task considering my arms were terribly sore from all the IVs in them, and removed the cover from my plate. I took a small bite of the soggy toast and pursed my lips. "It tastes like shit," I complained, feeling queasy from the steam's scent.
"Go ahead, whine all you want. Gabriel will just have to wait even longer."
I gave her an annoyed look which she responded to with a cheery grin. After I shoveled the last bits of watery egg whites down my throat, she gave a satisfied nod of her head and left the room. Hopefully to get Gabriel; maybe he could better my already shitty morning. He always smelled so good, and probably tasted much better than the hospital's excuse for 'breakfast.'
And of course, he did. I practically sensed him before he was even fully inside my room; my ears were prone to decipher each of his lightweight footsteps, my nose trained to recognize his clean, slightly lemony scent.
"Hey," I greeted him, trying not to pass out from the relief I felt at the sight of him. "You're here early."
"I would've been here earlier if you had waken up sooner. Can you believe they don't let visitors in unless the patient's awake? That's so stupid."
I couldn't help the smile on my face; Gabriel always looked so beautiful in the morning, it was crazy. "It is so stupid. You look beautiful, by the way. Did you sleep okay last night? Any nightmares?"
He took a few steps deeper into the room, close enough for me to notice the natural pinkness his cheeks held while he brushed his fingertips along the curves of my feet beneath the thin blanket. That damned bruise was still there, outlining the edge of his face, but it didn't hinder his beauty any less. "No, and no."
"No you didn't sleep okay, and no you didn't have nightmares? That doesn't make sense," I told him. He was looking down, simply touching my toes before shrugging.
"I missed you too much to sleep soundfully, I guess. Not even the nightmares could distract me from thinking about you."
"Come here," I prompted him. He looked up, the sunlight hitting his eyes just right, making them look nearly baby blue. He didn't hesitate to climb into the bed, situating himself closely to my left side so that we were shoulder to shoulder. "I missed you, too. I used to sleep through the night with no problem, but you wouldn't believe me if I told you the number of times I've woken up at 2AM wondering if you feel as empty as I do--if you miss me as much as I miss you. Um. That all sounded a lot less sappier in my head." I glanced down at my lap, trying to will the embarrassing blush on my cheeks away. I hadn't meant to sound so needy--the words had just stumbled out of nowhere, lathered in truth.
He smiled, one of those rare, genuinely true smiles that consisted of bright eyes and sparkling teeth. "I--yeah. Me too. Always at 2AM. You're all I think about at 2AM." He didn't turn away like he usually did when I tried to catch his gaze--this time, he actually looked at me, although his eyes did flicker to his folded hands now and then. It was progress, though, and I'd take any form of progress at this point, if not my own then his.
A couple seconds of silence passed between us, filled with the faraway beeps of other patients' heart monitors and the squeaking wheels of breakfast trays being delivered to other awakening folk.
"You look beautiful, too, by the way. Even with jelly on your chin," Gabriel mumbled, and I think this was one of the first times he'd ever voluntarily broken the silence, at least in front of me.
I smiled at him, his compliment meaning a lot more to me than other people's usually did. I was constantly complemented for my looks by people, but when they came from Gabriel, that's when I believed them the most. "Thanks, kitten. Did you eat breakfast?"
"No."
"That's not good. Here, have some toast. It's pretty gross, but you might be able to stomach it if you add the jelly."
Gabriel made an uncomfortable face, but gave in to my persistence, which consisted of small elbow jabs to his side. I could feel his ribs as I did so, and it made my playful mood diminish into bits of heartache. I wished he'd eat more; he was very thin, and it was a thousand times more sad than beautiful.
Gabriel nibbled on the slice of toast that I'd been unable to consume, his legs pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his knees. I didn't watch him eat because I figured he'd get uncomfortable, so instead I played with strands of his thick blond hair to keep myself busy. I soon became preoccupied with another part of Gabriel, though, as he leaned over and placed his lips against my chin. He licked away what I assumed to be the jelly stain, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't remind me of a puppy showering me in doggy kisses. It was much less slobbery, though, and when Gabriel began trailing soft, close-mouthed kisses down the side of my neck, I knew that his kisses were ten times better than any of a puppy's.
"Feels nice," I murmured, my eyelids drooping slightly from the unique sensation. I'd been kissed on the neck many times before, but never in the manner that Gabriel was doing. His mouth wasn't sloppy with spit, but instead clean and pure as it placed tiny pecks against my tingling skin. I wished he could kiss me like that forever. I told him that, and the smoothness of his pearly whites against my clavicle didn't go unnoticed when I felt him smile into my skin.
An authoritative clear of a throat nearly sent Gabriel flying off the bed. "Sorry to interrupt. I take it that Evan's finished his breakfast?"
"Just starting on it, actually," I teased Nurse Nina, partly because it was fun to mess with her and partly because it was fun to mess with Gabriel.
"You're so immature," Gabriel muttered, scooting off the bed and leaning against the wall next to the window. I grinned boyishly at him.
"I just have to add another IV to the collection," Nurse Nina said with a roll of her icy blue eyes that were nearly as white as her smile.
I sighed, a mixture between annoyance and tiredness, and offered her my right hand. She flipped it over to expose my wrist, tightening a rubber tourniquet around my lower bicep. She began tapping against my arm, searching for a vein to prod. I rested my head against my pillow, used to being her voodoo doll by then. That was when I remembered that we weren't alone, and that Gabriel was in here, too, and maybe he wasn't comfortable with this kind of stuff.
"Hey, you okay, Gabe?" I asked, looking over at him. He was watching raptly, the electric that his blue eyes consisted of intensifying from the action. He didn't look like he was going to pass out, which I considered a good thing.
"Um. Y-yeah. Why? Do you want me to hold your hand?"
I could tell he wanted to hold my hand. It was clear in the nervous flickering of his eyes, the way his arms fidgeted next to his side. "Sure," I told him, silently grateful that I would have someone to hold onto during this.
"You two are so sweet," Nurse Nina commented, a certain sweetness in her voice that would've made me laugh if I weren't about to get yet another needle shoved into my veins. "Alright, don't tense up. On three. One . . . "
I'd made sure to keep my right arm loose while I used my left to grip onto Gabriel's hand with all my might. I didn't watch the needle go through, just kept my eyes on his face. He held onto me just as tightly, his own eyes going from Nurse Nina back to my own face.
"Two," Nurse Nina said, and the pinch I felt, followed by a short, stinging sensation of pain, made me suck in the air around me in a sharp breath.
"Fuck," I gasped out, my left hand nearly crushing Gabriel's. "You said on three!"
"If I went on three, you would've tensed up and it would've hurt a thousand times worse. Don't move your arm for a couple minutes. I'll be back to check on you a little later." Nurse Nina left, the breakfast tray in front of her, after giving Gabriel and me a warning glare. After a minute of working through the rest of the stinging pain, I loosened my grip on Gabriel's hand. He responded by climbing back onto the bed, kissing the side of my temple softly like I'd done to his so many times before.
"You were brave," he complimented.
"Not really."
"Braver than me," he murmured, eying the IV with a watchful eye. "You didn't bruise," he informed me. "You got lucky."
"Lucky?"
"The first few times they did mine, they kept missing my veins because of how thin and slow my blood flow was. Eventually they got it in, but the vein collapsed and it caused this giant bruise all under my skin," he explained. "It was hard to tell the difference between the bruises from the IVs and the bruises I already had."
Wait, why had Gabriel been punctured and prodded with IVs? I asked him; he averted his gaze from my IV and looked out the window. It took a while for him to answer, and when he did I realized that by the tone of his voice he was ashamed. "I was really malnourished. And, um, they had to test for AIDs and other STDs, and stuff, you know?"
I didn't answer right away because I was at a lost for words. How was I supposed to respond to that? What could you say to something like that? "Gabriel, I'm sorry, I totally forgot . . . " I tried, but he shook his head.
"It's alright," he said, his voice losing some of the shakiness it'd held seconds before and turning to a heart wrenching monotone.
But it wasn't alright. Even though I couldn't see his eyes at that moment, I knew they were shiny and pained. "Gabe?" I said, trying to come off as sincere instead of obnoxious.
"Evan!" he snapped, his temper flaring out of nowhere like it usually did when he got upset. "It's fine, okay? It's over with. I'm fine, just leave it."
I looked at him ashamedly. I hadn't meant to upset him. I should've just kept my mouth shut. I was such an idiot. I went over the conversation again in my head to see if there could've been another way around this sudden awkwardness when I realized something: this was the first time Gabriel voluntarily brought up his past without prompting from myself.
Jeez, he really had made a lot of progress compared to day one, hadn't he? "Okay," I told him, returning to combing my fingers through his blond mane.
"Thank you," he mumbled, the previous fire in his tone now nothing but remnants of smoke. Instead of a verbal response, I nodded and rested my head against his shoulder. He continued to trace the area around the newest IV; I silently prayed that he wouldn't touch it this time, because it hurt a lot more than the others.
*
*
It was later in the afternoon when Nurse Nina stopped by with lunch, which consisted of soppy mashed potatoes, mushed corn and some type of meat that smelled vaguely of burnt hair. Gabriel didn't seem too pleased with the meal choice either.
"It smells," was the first thing he said after Nurse Nina left. It was also the first thing he said since the IV incident.
"I know. Next time you visit, you'll smuggle in some food for me, won't you?"
"Sure. Nothing huge, though. I don't think I can fit a whole rotisserie chicken in my shirt."
I couldn't help but crack up at that; he always said the most random yet fitting things. When my laughter faded, he purrowed at me and asked, "So, where're your parents? And Mihael? It's twelve in the afternoon, I'd figured they'd be here by now."
"Uh, I'm not sure, exactly. I think my mom and Mihael's mom went out for groceries since they're gonna be staying with us for a while. My dad has work, Mihael doesn't have the car until later tonight, and Dylan has better things to do."
"Oh. That sucks. Hey, eat your food before it gets cold."
"I hate hospital food," I complained, wrinkling my nose at the blandness of the meal. I sat up straighter in the plastic recliner next to my bed; I'd switched over to that spot a couple minutes ago because the bed had made me feel too helpless for too long. Gabriel still sat on the bed, facing me with his knees pulled up to his chest.
"Everyone does. Hold your nose while you're eating it, that way you won't be able to taste it as much."
I did as he told me; it worked just enough so that I couldn't taste the usual sourness of the most likely expired corn. After a couple more seconds of this new technique of eating, Gabriel gave a small clear of his throat and said, "Can I talk to you about something?"
I stopped drinking my cup of water. My throat was still sore, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it was last week. "Of course," I told him, looking at him honestly. "Anything."
He tightened his grip on his knees, chewing on his lip for a couple seconds before sighing. "Yesterday, after Mihael and I left, we talked."
"Uh-huh. About what?"
"Um. You."
"Figures. It's not like you guys could've talked about Picasso or something. Did I tell you that he's into art, too?"
He gave a shake of his head. "No, you didn't. And, it's not like we talked about anything bad. Just . . . I don't know, he brought up some stuff, and I wanted to talk to you more about it."
Now I was beginning to worry. What kind of 'stuff' had Mihael brought up? I'd done a lot of shit back in my old town, and most of it I'd prefer for Gabriel not to ever learn about. I didn't want him to think badly of me. I didn't want him to see me as someone I no longer was.
"What'd he say?" I asked, no longer looking at him as I replaced the cover back on the plate of food. It was making me even sicker than I already felt.
"He . . . told me, that you . . . um, have been questioning your . . . sexuality . . . for a while. Before you moved here. Before we met."
Please, God, please Mihael had stopped there. Please he left it at that. I didn't want Gabriel to know about that period of my life--I didn't want him to know about the people I'd been with, the reason I moved here. I didn't want him to know about the emotions I fought through or the people that fought me.
I began tearing my napkin up into small strips. "Okay. Is that it?"
"N-no. He said that you thought there was something wrong with yourself, so you experimented with a lot of people. Constantly. But you could never find your preference, and it scared you."
Fuck. Of course he hadn't left it short and sweet; Mihael had to back up his claim with details that I'd wanted to forget about since I left Anemoi. "Is that all he said? That I was just hooking up with people because I was scared of myself?"
"Yes. Well, no. I mean, yeah, basically, but he mentioned some other details. He said you couldn't hold a stable relationship with anyone because you couldn't go through with kissing them. It made me wonder about myself--us--and how you're able to kiss me with no problem. I think. I don't really know if you even like kissing me, now that I think about it. It's okay if you don't. I'm the one who pressured you into it, and I'm really sorry if I make you uncomfortable like everyone else had--God, I'm turning into him--"
"Gabriel, don't say that. You're nothing like that monster. I love your kisses, they mean the world to me. Didn't you hear me compliment them when you were kissing me earlier? You're not like the others that I'd been with, you don't make me feel empty or hate myself for being different. You're the first person I've ever formed some sort of romantic relationship with, and it means so much to me. I don't feel like there's something wrong with me anymore. Please understand that--you have to at least know that."
Gabriel's panicked expression faded to something of relaxation. "Oh. So . . . you like me, then?"
"A lot. Almost too much, sometimes," I admitted, rubbing the back of my neck with my free hand. Gabriel smiled another genuine smile, and though it was tiny, I could tell how much my words meant to him by the light behind his eyes.
"You're the first person that ever meant something to me, Gabriel. I moved here not only because of my mom's better job offer, but also because at my old school, all the girls I'd been with had spread these really awful rumors about me--that there was something wrong with me because I'd never kiss them, grope on them or try to have sex with them. They made me out to seem like some closeted gay only using them as a beard, or whatever, which resulted in my old teammates and other guys calling me a 'faggot' and writing it all over my belongings for the entire school year. I actually--they actually jumped me after school a couple days before we moved. I still had a couple bruises when we met, but they'd faded a lot so I doubt you had noticed."
Gabriel's eyes were wide as I told him about only a small portion of the things I'd gone through during my past. He looked totally blown away--as if he could never picture someone like myself, someone he probably thought was all-powerful and protective as a tank, had been in the same position as himself, had been under the powerful iron fist of bullies.
"It's why I wanted to be your friend so bad. When I saw Slater and Axel acting like such jerks to you that first day during lunch, it reminded me of my own experiences. I felt protective of you since the beginning; I felt more for you that day than I had for any of my girlfriends for the months I'd been with them. It's also why I was so nervous about people finding out about us at first. I was concerned about the retaliation both of us would receive, but as we spent more time with each other, my adoration for you grew tenfold, and I realized we'd be okay as long as we had each other, so it didn't matter if they found out. Also, it helped that Clydesdale High turned out to be a lot more accepting than my old school, thankfully.
"You have to know, though, that I'm not proud of what I'd done. I never wanted you to find out--I look back on myself with pure disgust, and I see nothing but a scared child trying to grow up too fast. It wasn't my intention to try and get with you like I did with all my past experiences--I ran into you by chance, and with the new start I had, I thought you'd be the perfect person for me to be with so I could learn to break away from my old habits, and focus on helping someone besides myself for once."
I didn't look at Gabriel as the silence continued to drag on after the lasts of my words. I just sat there, staring at the ice cubes in my water while tearing the slips of napkin in my hand into small squares.
Finally, I felt a small hand touch my shoulder, and his touch always earned my complete attention, including my eyes on his own. There were tears in his eyes, but they were different from his usual ones--they weren't brought on by the fear of the monsters that'd hurt him, and they weren't scared for my well-being like our last night at home together. No, his tears were simply brought on by heartache and sadness, and I couldn't imagine why he'd ever cry over me when he'd gone through something a thousand times worse.
"Gabriel, why . . . ? Don't cry over me, really, don't. What I went through doesn't compare at all to anything that you went through. It's why I never bothered to tell you in the first place."
He gave a small shake of his head, crawling from the bed and against my left side, careful not to knock over the tray hovering above my lap. "I didn't know any of that--Mihael hadn't mentioned any of that," he whispered, the sobs in his voice threatening to seep through the cracks. "I never thought you, of all people, had gone through your own hell. And it's--you didn't deserve any of that, Evan, you really didn't. Even if you were trying to get with different people just to find yourself, to find your way out of that fear, you didn't deserve to get beat up and mocked. You're such a good person, you mean everything to me, and I'm so sorry people hurt you." He hugged me tightly, burying his blond head into my shoulder. I held him as close as I could with my left arm since my right was still throbbing.
"It's okay. You don't have to be sorry, Gabriel, you couldn't control it."
"If I ever meet any of them, I'll gladly kick them in the shin like I did to Adonis, okay? You just point them out, and I'll make sure they never hurt you again."
I couldn't help but chuckle at his protectiveness as the tears that were stinging my eyes surprised myself. I'd never thought he'd want to protect me like I do him, and it really did mean a lot to me to know that he wanted me as safe as I wanted him. Nobody had ever volunteered to keep me safe before. It was comforting to know that he wanted to be there for me. I stroked his hair off his forehead and placed a small kiss on the skin there. "Yeah. Just like if I ever see that monster, I'll make sure he never hurts you again."
He wiped his eyes with his fists then moved to place a kiss on my cheek. I kissed his lips instead, hoping he'd be alright with it. He was, closing his eyes right before I closed mine, parting his lips only the slightest bit so that our breaths could mingle. He tasted so much better than the hospital food I'd forced down, and he made the throbbing pain in my arm and throat fade away to only a slight discomfort instead. He really did make me feel like all things good in the world were in my arms each time we touched, because if he hadn't been in my arms by then, I honestly had no idea how I'd ever make it through life alive and well.
After our gentle kiss ended, Gabriel returned to tracing the IV in my right arm. "So, um. This might be kind of intrusive, but . . . did you ever figure out your sexuality?"
"Honestly, I don't know. I don't think I'm gay because I'm not attracted to guys--and no, I'm not calling you a girl. I just--I don't look at guys around me and think that they're attractive and that I want to form anything sexual with them. So I don't think I'm gay. I'm not bisexual or pansexual like Mihael, either. And obviously I'm not asexual because I want to be with you in every way possible. I don't know. What're you?"
He played with a stray string that had become loose from the armhole of my hospital gown. "Gay. I realized it when I was eleven."
I furrowed my eyebrows at that. "Even after him--after all he'd done to you, you didn't, like, switch to asexual or whatever?"
He chuckled at my obvious ignorance, shaking his head. "You can't just switch sexualities, Evan, trust me, I tried. I still identify as queer even after him. Maybe that's why I hate myself so much. Hated. It confuses me sometimes--as if some part of me had liked what'd happened to me, even though I obviously didn't. For a while I was really angry with myself for still being attracted to guys. I tried to convince myself to lose the desire to form anything slightly romantic or, um, sexual with people, and it worked for a while because I became too preoccupied with my self-loathing to actually focus on others. But then I met you, and it's like the thing that I hated most about myself and pushed away for three years came back, but I didn't hate it anymore. I liked you a lot, and I wanted to be with you so badly, but I was terrified because I thought I could never give you the type of relationship you probably wanted, and you'd leave."
Gabriel was staring at his lap, no longer fiddling with the string on my sleeve. I bit the inside of my lip, focusing hard on that last part. "Gabriel," I began, but stopped, still not sure of how to respond. "Do you still feel that way--like you can't be with me the way Jurnee and Slater are with each other?"
He stayed silent for several moments. I couldn't read his face since he was leaning forward, his hair blocking my view of any potential expressions. Finally, he turned slightly, cheeks a dark pink, blue eyes sheepish. "No," he whispered, his eyes briefly connecting with mine before flickering back down to his lap. I grinned, his response making me unbelievably happy. Not for my sexual benefit, but for him. I was genuinely happy for him. He was making so much progress, he was getting so much better, and soon he'd be free from the lasts of his monster's reigns.
"I'm sorry if I make you uncomfortable," he began, tightening his hold around his knees. "I know you said you can't bear to form anything sexual or romantic, and I don't think I'm actually 100% ready for that kind of stuff either, so you don't have to feel like I'm pressuring you or whatever because I don't mean t--"
I pulled him towards me and kissed him, wrapping my left arm around his waist to hold him closer. He smiled a little, his chest reducing its rapid movements as his panicked breathing began to slow. We kissed for several long seconds, and though it was slow and pretty basic, I knew it helped to make him feel better. And when he felt better, I felt better, too.
"If you were any other person," I murmured once we parted for air, "I'd never have been able to do that. So know that I really like you, more than I've ever anyone, and I want to do everything with you in every way possible. I just want to be with you, Gabriel. All of this is just as new to me as it is for you, so don't worry, okay?"
He nodded his head. He was still blushing, but most of the sheepishness had left his eyes and had been replaced with an emotion that looked a little too strong to be called adoration.
"I don't know what I am, but as long as I'm with you, I seriously don't care. And I know, I'm being ridiculously cheesy again."
"Maybe you're Gabesexual," someone suggested teasingly. I rolled my eyes when Mihael entered the room.
"How long have you been standing out there?" I asked him with a hint of annoyance, although I was still glad to see him.
"Literally just got here, don't worry. I took the bus here because I didn't feel like waiting any longer. Public transportation is the best, by the way. I had this amazing conversation with this homeless guy about the damnation of society, it was wicked." Gabriel, who always seemed entertained by Mihael's histrionics, was watching Mihael with amusement "No, but seriously," Mihael continued, "maybe you're demisexual. Ever hear of that? I hadn't until the homeless guy brought up his sister's socialistic husband."
Gabriel purrowed curiously at the new word. I hadn't known it existed, either.
"You're gonna have to elaborate on that term 'cause I've never heard it before," I told him. Mihael walked more into the room, clad in a pair of black, sagged skinny jeans adorned with a chain on the side and a gray hoodie. He took a seat on the hospital bed next to us and played with his nose ring while thinking about how to explain it.
"Basically, according to the homeless guy, you can't sex it up with people until you get a really intense emotional bond to them. Like, you don't feel any sort of desire or sexual attraction for a person until you form that strong emotional connection with them. Maybe that's why you never found anyone; you didn't try to form a bond with them. With what I'm understanding from the two of you, you guys must've unknowingly yet successfully formed that bond with each other, and that's why Evan's so crazy for you, Gabriel," Mihael explained with lots of hand gestures to aid in our understanding.
I thought about it for a couple seconds before grinning and nodding my head excitedly. "Yeah! That's--that's exactly it! It makes so much sense now, holy cow, I'm not a freak--there's an actual term for what I am," I realized aloud, a sudden weight depressurizing from my shoulders.
"You never were a freak," Gabriel told me seriously, nuzzling my neck.
"True," Mihael agreed. "If anyone's the freak here, it's not the kid with the IVs in his arm but the dude with piercings all over his face."
I laughed at that, as stupidly unfunny as it was, because suddenly things didn't feel so terrible anymore. Yeah, I was ill, trapped in a hospital room, my chains and shackles being the IVs puncturing my veins. But I had my best friend and Gabriel to keep me company, and I didn't have to dread over my sexuality anymore. If I hadn't had Gabriel's lips against my own a couple minutes earlier, I'd've said that finally discovering who I was was the best feeling in the world.
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Note
A slightly more light-hearted chapter, but worse things are still expected to come, like most things in life (wow, that was really emo lmao). Drawing on the side is of Gabriel, drawn by the talented Wings_Beat_Hope! Thank you very much for taking the time to draw something so beautiful for me; I really appreciate it!
So, bad news, friends. I'm back in school, which means I won't be able to work on the chapters as frequently, which means we'll be switching back to long periods between updates. Sorry, guys and gals and those in between. Thank you all for the unconditional support nonetheless; I don't know how I'd function without you all to keep my spirits high.
xocici
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