The days just drag on and on.
Everyday I force myself to get out of bed by giving myself the motivation for something. Like seeing my friend over the weekend. Or food that I'm going to eat when I get home. Little things push me to get up and keep continuing with life.
But bigger things.
Things that are possibly the most important things; I retreat. I pull away and let myself sink into the softness of my warm bed. I fill my lungs with smoke and watch my mind deteriorate so I don't have to face it. I hate that about myself. I hate what I'm becoming. Worthless. Hopeless. Stuck...
I feel like I'm wilting away like that tree down by the creek. Whenever I go there, which is decreasing by the year, I ask myself - how did we get here? How did that tree die so fast? How did I grow up so fast? When was the last time I sat down here? When will be the last time I'm down here?
Swarming with thoughts that don't belong in my head, continuously find its way into the cracks of my mind. A place I can never get to.
Sometimes I don't even want to reach it. Some days I just want to drift away into a place where nothing can reach me. Where my body flows rhythmically without a thing out of place. Without worries. Without regrets. Without pain
I want to test the waters of life.
Jump in without a care in the world. Indulging myself with new experiences and new emotions. Facing my problems head on instead of dreading them. Falling hopelessly in love without a single regret.
Letting myself feel. Letting myself be free.