The minutes on the clock change as I ponder how to respond. On one side Dimitri is a major part of my life and someone may not understand our relationship. But on the other we have no promises between us and I'm free to become involved with anyone I want to.
I bang my head on the steering wheel in frustration. An epiphany comes to me and I freeze. There is no way for me to completely know what Dimitri is doing himself. Sure we text every day and lately he has been calling me instead if going out. But I'm not speaking with him every second of the day and I'm diffidently not with him physically every day. So in the end there is no concrete evidence that he isn't entertaining other women. Yet, there isn't any evidence that he is. Sure I could ask him, but that topic has always been taboo between us. Some conversations evolved around the people we were dating, but neither one of us would go into details.
How would Dimitri react if I told him about the possibility of me becoming involved with Keith? Would he even care or care too much? Could this be the one action that pushes him away from me forever? Yet, Dimitri has made no move to pull me from the friends zone and I can't put my life on hold for him. I was going to do that once, but the entire experience blew up in my face. The broken heart I suffered is not an experience I care to repeat. I'm not sure my heart isn't strong enough.
I'm free. Let me know times and details.
A response! I was afraid I had scared you.
I'm not one to be easily scared. Was finishing up a phone conversation.
Shit why did I tell him that? There is no need or reason for him to know about my personal life. If I can keep my personal life away from the two of us maybe I'll be able to protect my heart as well.
Before he responds I drag myself inside and straight up into my room. Thankfully both my parents are already in bed. Not that they would have questioned me, but still it was better to not have to deal with all the questions.
I'm able to change out of my clothes and crawl into bed before Keith returns my text message.
No problem. I'm not your keeper. Just a guy hoping to eventually get into your pants.
Phew he didn't try to quiz me on who I was on the phone with. Trying to get in my pants is he? Good luck on that front. But I'm curious to see where this leads and I can get my pipes cleaned if I want too.
You really are honest. Good to know what I'm walking into.
See no reasons for there to be any surprises. In the past I've kept my cards close to my chest and figure might have better luck if I just lay them out on the table instead. This way there is no confusion.
Makes sense to me. Then I should tell you there is another guy in the picture.
I see. So is he going to try and kick my ass for talking to you?
No. We aren't at that level. In fact we aren't even dating. Figured since you were honest I should be as well.
Let me get this straight your just friends? Friends with benefits?
Just friends.
So why tell me then? Will this be a road block to me getting what I want?
No. He's just a huge part of my life. But it's not like you will run into him or anything. His job keeps him on the road and when he is home he's no where near here.
Then there isn't anything to worry about. I've enjoyed our conversation, but I do need to get some shut eye. You see I have this girl I'm hanging out with tonight.
Who your trying to get into her pants? Lol
Exactly! And the funny part is I've been texting her about it and she has yet to say a direct no.
That's right I haven't said an all out no. Is this something I want? It is. Why do I feel so much guilt about it? Dimitri's smiling face fills my mind and I remember why. Dimitri. No matter what happens in life we always seem to find our way back to one another. That has to mean something. Right?
Wrong. We've tried and each time I had to deal with the repercussions of my choices. Maybe someday we can try again, but that day isn't today. Before I can lose my courage I respond to Keith.
You're right she hasn't. Must be your lucky day.
Not waiting for his response I plug my phone in and settle in for some sleep.
~*~
A groan escapes as I attempt to pull my pillow over my eyes to block the blinding sunlight. I need to invest in some blackout curtains. Or not stay up so late. Curtains it is!
Why do I do this to myself? What is that famous saying again? I remember! According to older people it's because I'm young and dumb. Personally, I'd rather think I'm enjoying my twenties. If what people tell me is true there will come a point I won't want to do these things. Might as well live it up while I can.
Following my morning routine I check my phone. No waiting text from Keith, but I hadn't expected there to be one. Like me he had stayed up late. There was one from Dimitri.
Afternoon gorgeous. Hope you slept well. Sorry for falling asleep on you.
Afternoon! Slept okay wish it had been longer. No worries!
Another text from Dimitri didn't appear till after I was dressed and eating breakfast.
Any plans for today?
Crap. Crap. Crap. Do I or don't I tell him about Keith? I don't understand why I can't make my mind up about this. We aren't together and I have nothing to feel guilty about. Yet, at the same time would you keep this information away from someone who you consider to be your best friend? No. I need to tell him.
Well....not sure on how to tell you this.
What you have a date or something? lol Nothing you could say would ever chase me away.
Why is he laughing about the fact I could have a date? Does he think I'm not capable of finding someone?
Why do you have to make it sound like a joke about me having a date? Am I not dateable?
Without waiting for a response I stomp up the stairs.
"Everything okay?" My mom asks from the family room.
"Yep. Just dealing with boy drama." Even I can hear the fake cheerfulness in my voice.
"Hunny don't let the bull get to you. Not worth it."
When I reach the up stairs I decide I don't want to spend the day inside binge watching shows or movies. I change course and head out the door instead. The warm spring air brushes against my cheeks.
Spring is a wonderful season. At lest before the temperatures become to warm. Spring is a time with nature is waking from the long slumber of winter. Plants and trees are starting to bloom. The world just doesn't seem like a gloomy place. Which is refreshing after the gloom and doom of winter. The warmer weather also allows my students to be able to get outside and burn some extra energy.
What shall I go and do? Could always go visit Renegade and go for a ride or watch him in the field. Could go to the gym and work off some of these frustrations. Could go for a walk around the neighborhood.The possibilities are endless. Especially when I have no responsibilities on the weekend.
The angry buzzing of my phone reaches me ears. I know who is calling me even before I look. The question is do I want to speak with him. Myself control is weak and I answer the phone.
"Hello." There is no hiding the disdain from my voice. I sit down on the front stoop.
"Sky that's not what I mean and you know it." Distress is laced throughout his tone.
A voice from his end of the phone can be heard yelling, "what are you doing on the phone your needed on stage."
Dimitri must have pulled the phone away from his mouth because I'm not able to her his words clearly. "Give me a minute. Fuck! The show is still going to start on time. So chill the fuck out."
The fact that he is swearing indicates he is pissed about something. He knows how much swearing makes me cringes and over the years has made an effort to watch his words when speaking with me. Is he delaying something because he wants to talk with me? I hope not because I don't want to be the cause of any problems between him and the band.
"We can talk later Dimitri. Not a big deal. I understand you have responsibilities."
"Stop! I'm so sick and tried of being told what to do every fucking day. If they could they would schedule my bathroom breaks."
"Dimitri," I adopt a tone usually reserved for talking my students down from the edge. "Everything is going to be okay. You have a break coming soon. And you'll be able to see me in a few weeks."
"Currently the thought of seeing you is the only thing in my life that is keeping me going. They can take all these concerts and shove it up their asses."
"If nothing else think about your fans. Your doing this for them."
"At the expense of my own sanity."
"Can't all be bad."
"I don't know. Maybe this life isn't as glamours as I thought it would be." Exhaustion coats his tone thickly.
"But you love music. Being able to share your music with the world was all you could talk about before. And you worked so hard to get to where you are."
"I do love music and I love playing for the crowd. It's just all the other bullshit that comes along with it." His frustration beats at me all the way from where he is.
"I'm sorry." All I want to do is gather him in my arms and comfort him. Due to our circumstances sadly I can't do what I want.
"Why are you sorry? You have no reason to be sorry. Weren't you listening to me earlier?" He relaxes a sigh. "I need you to listen this time to what I'm saying. You. Are. The. One thing in my life currently helping to keep me sane. I don't know what I would do if you weren't in my life."
"Dimitri I don't know what to say." How does someone respond to a confession like that? I don't care what life my throw our way I will always be in his life. Because I also need him.
"There is nothing to say. It's the truth of it." He pauses for a minute. "Skylar sorry about the comment about you dating. You are dateable."
Perfect opportunity to tell him. "Actually I know because I have one."
"I see." His tone is far from friendly.
And so my rambling begins, "last night at the bar my friend Alex dragged one of her guy friends out. At first Vanessa was showing interest in him and so I backed off." I pause to take a deep breathe. "But then Alex's boyfriend basically pulled me aside and told me that Keith was interested. And how we were both on the same page about not wanting to officially date anyone. So he gave Keith my number and we've been texting and are getting together today."
The silence on the other end of the phone made the saying you could hear pin drop real. It got to the point I had to check my phone and make sure the call didn't drop.
I was the one who broke the silence, "Dimitri are you still there?"
"Yeah sorry I was thinking."
"About?"
"Nothing of importance." Before I could call him out on his bullshit he add, "look I really need to go. I'll call you soon okay?"
"Okay. Love you."
He sighs, "love you too." And then hangs up the phone.
Great, I have once again fucked things up between us? Men say women tend to be fickle, but in my experience it's the other way around. They can never make up there mind about what they want. They want what they can't have and then when they get whatever it is they don't want it anymore. Gives me such a headache thinking about it all.
No use sitting here and feeling sorry for myself. Not like my situation is going to magically change. Standing I dust myself of and walk towards the car. Going for a ride is starting to sound better and better because with where my mind is at grading the test from Friday would not have positive results for my students.
As I walk to my car my phone buzzes and I hesitate checking the message because I'm not ready to deal with whomever it might be on the other end. But my curiosity gets the better of me and I check.
I'm sorry. I know we are currently in no place for a relationship, but the thought of you with someone else upsets me. Yet, I refuse to be that guy who tells you what to do especially since there is no us and since I have no right to dictate your life. I just wanted you to know where my head was at.
Thank you for telling me. Dimitri who knows what the future might hold. My heart still carries some bruises from the last time we tried, but I'm open to the possibilities.
Once again you give me hope. Enjoy your date. Hopefully it will help you see more of the possibility of us.
Oh, Dimitri can't you see I still love you and more than a friend. If only we could figure these roadblocks out. We are both older now and I'm not necessarily tied down to me life here. The only issue I would have is Renegade, but I'm sure between the two of use we could make something work. Skylar slow down. Stop putting the cart before the horse. You and Dimitri have to actually spend some time together before you start planning a future. Also don't forget about this date you are going on. Maybe Keith will surprise you.
Who am I kidding. Dimitri is the one I want.