Hi, remember when I said I'd have more time to update this?
Well, guess what, I don't! I'm trying to be as regular as I can, but, it's summer and I really want to enjoy it while it lasts, so, I'm sorry for keeping you waiting!
Ever since Zack left, I was in a state where I could no longer function normally. For some odd reason, everything that happened would link to him. I know I've said that I would fuck a lot of guys and be a real hoe. But, to be honest, the only reason that that would happen was that I didn't really want to be attached to anyone. I had suffered from this before. Heartbreak. That's all love is for.
So I tried to fill the blank he had left with stuff that wasn't quite as healthy as you may think. And, by that, I mean going to way too many bars and discos. Drinking and smoking until my body gave out, and, of course, getting someone to fuck me.
I thought that that would make me forget him. And it did. During those hours where I'd be almost passed out on the dance floor, or when I'd be in a strangers room in the middle of the night, I couldn't think about him. I couldn't think about anything really. I'd wake up the next day with no records of what had happened previously. The dark haze in my mind was kind of scary.
But I'd rather remember nothing at all than remember an all-nighter where I'd be crying my eyes out.
Ethan had been trying to replace Zack for me. However, no matter how good-looking he was, nothing would ever come close to Zack's stupid grin... Or his toned back... How about those eyes of him? Or his laugh... The way he'd pull his hair back and call me a Princess, or how he'd ask me as if I hadn't already told him, why I disliked being called a "Princess".
It was Saturday Night, (No, not the Panic! At the Disco Song) and I was getting ready. Like I've told before, make-up isn't really my strongest skill, so I decide that it's never really worth it. Besides, the pain of taking it off before going to sleep, or the way it gets all over the place as the night goes on is not exactly glamorous.
I have my bandeau top on along with my tight skirt that can, somehow, create an illusion of an ass somewhere.
While you may think that I am a cliché bitch that "Sneaks out" the window and walks slowly over the roof, I just tell my mom that I'm going out, she doesn't really question it that much anymore. She knows I've been depressed, she doesn't suspect it's because of Zack. Just I do have a history of getting strangely pessimistic and hopeless at times. She knows that going out is a way for me to escape. And, for all she knows, I'm perfectly safe, right? I'll just crash at Dan's house tonight, not some random stranger's who can possibly drug me and send me to somewhere far away as a sex-slave
I walk out the door and glance at Colin, who is making some tea.
"Going out, heh?"
"It's none of your business really."
He smiled sideways.
"Have you thought about... I don't know... Finishing your homework?" he sipped his tea and furrowed his eyebrows, "Or... Maybe studying for your Chem test on Monday?"
"Again, how is it any of your business?"
"Ever since Zack disappeared, you've been acting weird. I know you failed your last Maths test."
"So...? Shouldn't you be sad too? He's your friend. I just worry that he was killed or something."
"It's Zack Reed," my brother rolled his eyes, "He's probably fucking a model on a desert island by now. He'll be back in a week or two."
"How can you be so insensitive towards your own friend? What if he's hurt? He's missing and no one is looking for him! What if it happened to me? Or to you? Wouldn't you want someone to go after you? Why shouldn't I be "acting weird" if a boy is literally missing?"
"Because said boy is Zack. He's fine. He has gone missing befo..."
"Not like this," I yell at the top of my lungs. I can't believe I'm acting so defensive right now, but I'm sure that Zack didn't just run away. It's true that I'd chop my thumb off to get him back. But, other than missing him dearly, I also am worried sick. If Diaz catches him, there'd be no news really. Just nothing. I'd never hear from him again. And, if Zack is alive and well, same thing would happen.
Isn't my life wonderful?
"Fuck you, Colin, just leave me alone, I have somewhere to be, unlike you, weirdo, who's staying home on a Saturday night."
"Yeah, well, some of us aren't trying to die of alcohol poisoning before hitting 20."
I roll my eyes before stepping out of the door and shutting it hard behind me.
The night rolled by and I told myself I was going to let myself go and drink whatever I wanted to drink. Do the drugs that I had the opportunity to. Fucking do it all. My life couldn't get much worse, so, whatever I did, nothing could leave me more depressed than what was already happening.
Colin was acting like a little bitch, so I decided that I wanted to do everything he didn't want me to. So you want to act like a toy soldier "protecting me" from stuff? Well, fuck off, Colin I do what I want.
As I danced, Ethan's arm was on my back, really near my ass. I could barely breathe as we were walking towards the bar. I didn't put it a bit higher on my back. I let it be, it wasn't as if I didn't like his presence or his touch. I wasn't madly in love with him or even had a crush on him. I knew he was just a player and that the chances for him to settle down were close to none. But I didn't care all that much about what was going on between us.
We had made out a few times, but it never really meant anything, and to be honest, I was having fun leading him on. He had a shit temper and personality. And, that was the main reason that Zack would always be so much better than him.
We got a cool place, and Jac knew the bartender. He told him it was my birthday, even though, it was quite far from it, so the bartender agreed to give us some free drinks.
One shot, two shots, three shots, four shots, five shots. After that, I lost count because they started to be free.
I was by far the drunkest of the group. Ethan wasn't drinking for some reason, he was just chilling in his corner looking with a stern face at everyone as if he were searching for his next killing target. Staring. Especially to the girls. In particular, me. He would not stop staring at me. It was kind of freaking me out, but drunk me didn't give a singular fuck.
I couldn't understand what people were telling me nor what was happening around me. I don't remember what happened in this mist of music, and alcohol, but at some point in the night, Ethan grabbed me by the hand and dragged me to the dance floor.
His hands were placed on my hips as I danced and they slowly started to grope my butt. I grabbed his wrists and tried to get his hand on my hips again as I wasn't very comfortable with him groping me like that. Like I've said, we'd make out, nothing more than that. And, even though I fuck everyone, I just thought it'd be kind of weird since Ethan does have a habit of "fucking and telling". But he didn't seem to mind me acting so against this idea of his to grope like that. As he made me turn to him and grabbed my neck hard. He pushed me against his lips, not letting go of my ass.
He then started to kiss my neck and got so close to me I could feel his erection against my belly button.
I tried to push him away. I laughed.
"Ethan..."
But his grip was way too strong for my drunk self to let go of him.
"You look way too perfect tonight to not be fucked hard..."
I couldn't understand the words that came out of his mouth. I was almost blacking out when he grabbed my wrist and took me to the bathroom, where he pinned me against the wall and dropped my jeans to the dirty floor.
"Ethan, I don't..." I burped and suppressed my vomit "We should..."
"Don't you trust me?"
The answer was no, but I couldn't form any words and nothing I could do seemed to get him away from me.
Then, there was a lapse on my memory.
All I can remember was me crying on the dirty bathroom floor, drenched in my own vomit as I saw him pull his pants up, turning his back on me and going back to the others in my friend group.
Everything in me hurt. Ethan was rough, my abdomen was still bruised and fucked, my head was pounding, and I was throwing up and shivering like crazy.
"I want to go home..." I whispered, hugging my knees in fetal position.
I bit my lip and can't really remember what happened after I got out of the bathroom with my shirt dirty, my hair messy, my face pale, and my senses failing me.