hi
Poll: Should I or should I not include Chapter 47 in the Rewrite?
Yoongi could care less about the stuffy suit his stylist hands to him. He could care less about the frantic way she attempts to wrangle his rebellious hair (he hadn't bothered to comb it after his early morning shower). He could care less about the demonic screaming coming from the weird creatures dancing behind him in wild abandon (who knows what's going on in Hobi's mind in times like this-- why in the world does he think it's fun to scream at the top of his lungs? Yoongi really doesn't understand). Yoongi could care less, because he's got much more important things to worry about.
Most notably, Yoongi is worried about Byeol. Of course, being her older brother, it's a given that Yoongi's always worried about Byeol. Even since she was born, it's been Yoongi's job to worry about her and protect her. She was always so much smaller than everyone else, even the other kids her age, and Yoongi couldn't help but worry that something would happen to her as soon as he left her side. His fears weren't unfounded-- both Min siblings had suffered through an incorrigible amount of bullying (their strikingly pale skin, delicate features and lack of good parents made then easy targets)-- and every time they separated to go to their own classes, Yoongi nearly gave himself an aneurysm from stressing over her safety.
Back then the solution had been fairly easy. Byeol was very smart for her age, and after a year or two of intensive tutoring, she jumped a couple grades so that she could take the same classes as Yoongi. (AN: Out of pure curiosity, has anyone skipped a grade?) It worked wonderfully- with Yoongi by her side, no one dared bother Byeol. Yoongi was like an atomic bomb if anyone got too close, and none of the other students were willing to risk his wrath.
Back then the solution had been so simple. Yoongi wishes it had stayed that way. But so much has changed now that they're older, and the two solutions that Yoongi thinks are the most appealing-- Byeol quitting her job or Yoongi suing her boss-- are not ideal.
And so Yoongi's stuck in this endless cycle of paranoid thoughts and aching worry.
The nightmare from last night definitely did not help Yoongi's stress levels. Jimin and Taehyung have been watching him like hawks, as if he could break down at a moment's notice. The intense concern in their eyes is almost sickening, and if Yoongi didn't know any better, he'd think they were intentionally trying to give him away. They both agreed to not tell anyone about last night's fiasco, but their over-the-top surveillance is painfully obvious to the remaining members.
As much as Yoongi wants to strangle them for being so conspicuous, he knows they're not doing it on purpose. They're genuinely worried about him (gross, Yoongi's mind supplies unhelpfully), and they both happen to be as easy to read as open books.
Hoseok, unsurprisingly, is the first to notice. The dancer pops up out of his seat with a jubilant shout as soon as the stylist noona declares that he's finished. Hobi skips straight over to the 95 line-- probably hoping to start up another scream-fest --but the two younger boys don't acknowledge his request with anything more than a "Not right now, hyung", and a half-hearted shake of their heads. It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together.
It only takes a couple of minutes for Hoseok to trace the two eldest maknaes' worried glances back to the source, and he doesn't hesitate to sit beside his pale hyung, a gentle expression on his face. Yoongi scowls the moment he spots it-- he knows all too well what that expression means.
"Hyung, is everything alright?" Hoseok asks, his eyes subtly checking Yoongi over for any hidden injuries or signs of anxiety. Hoseok settles a hand on Yoongi's shoulder, his gaze meeting Yoongi's, "It there something bothering you?"
"M'fine." Yoongi grunts out, breaking eye contact with Hoseok to glare at the two sheepish maknae's through the mirror, "Jus' didn't sleep well, is all."
Hoseok's scrunched expression gives away his uncertainty, but thankfully he leaves Yoongi be. The dancer's excitement never returns, though, and his constant worried glances join the eldest maknaes' as the three of them pretend to not be watching Yoongi like a couple of worried mother hens.
Namjoon is the next to notice. He emerges from the dressing room looking like quite the gentleman. His dark suit and and tie don't differentiate much from the other member's equally dark ensembles, but somehow he still distinctly stands out as the leader. Maybe it's just Namjoon's aura of confidence, but Yoongi can't be too sure.
It only takes ten seconds for Namjoon to notice that something's wrong. His eyes narrow as he scours the room, and he quietly approaches the whispering trio, his shoulder's tensing as he prepares himself to tackle whatever the issue turns out to be.
"What's up?" Namjoon asks, keeping his voice down, even though it seems unnecessary when the only other people in the room are Yoongi and their stylist, "It's tense in here."
"Nothing's wrong, hyung." Jimin speaks up immediately, his smile too fake to be anything other than a lie. Namjoon glances between the two 95 liners, and something just doesn't match up; Jimin's chipper attitude and Taehyung's guilty expression are too suspicious to chalk up to coincidence. With Hoseok's sullen frown thrown into the mix, Namjoon knows that there's definitely something wrong, "We're all just a little nervous for the performance. I'm sure we'll get over it by the time we get there, so don't worry!"
Namjoon frowns. He can already tell that this conversation is going to go nowhere. Jimin is extremely loyal, and if he agreed not to tell anyone about what's wrong, then there's no point in pestering the orange-haired dancer. Namjoon knows from experience that Jimin won't budge. Taehyung isn't an option either; the hyperactive boy would rather die than betray his soulmate.
That leaves Namjoon with only one option.
"Hoseok?" Namjoon changes targets, quickly focusing his steady gaze on the fidgeting dance leader. Namjoon keeps his tone neutral and his expression calm; he doesn't want to spook Hoseok. The lead dancer may be a strict teacher, but he's easily frightened and he tends to clam up if anything makes him uncomfortable, "Do you agree with Jimin-ah?"
Turns out, asking Hobi was the right thing to do.
"No-- something's very not right with Yoongi hyung." Hoseok whispers frantically, twitching like he's sharing a secret that could lead to all of their deaths. His eyes flicker back and forth between Namjoon and their pale hyung, as if Yoongi could sneak up and catch them talking about him at any second, and make them pay for their insubordination, "Jiminie and Tae Tae-ah have been giving him worried looks all morning, but they won't tell me what's wrong! And when I asked Yoongi hyung himself, he just told me he didn't sleep well."
Taehyung mutters something that sound suspiciously similar to "understatement", but Namjoon ignores him in favor of listing to the rest of Hoseok's nervous rant.
"He does look really tired..." Hoseok bites his lip, eyes flashing with worry as he pauses for a second to stare at the back of their littlest rapper, "- he's been acting jittery too, like he does when he knows he should be asking for help, but is too proud or scared to say anything."
Namjoon frowns, and joins Hoseok in staring at their hyung. The pale genius does seem quieter and more subdued than usual-- normally he would be loud and hyper before an award show. But today he seems painfully dispirited. Yoongi without his fiery spirit just isn't right.
"And what I heard last night doesn't help, either." Hobi tacks on, garnering startled looks from the two maknaes, "I don't know who in the world was crying in Jimin's room, but with the way Tae Tae and Jimin-ah are acting, I can't help but think it was Yoongi hyung. And that's making me more worried."
Namjoon immediately agrees with Hoseok. Yoongi rarely cries, and when he does it's always because of something serious. As the leader, it's Namjoon's job to ensure both the physical and mental health of his family. If there's something serious going on with Yoongi, he needs to know.
But on the other hand, Namjoon doesn't want to anger a potentially unstable Yoongi, especially right before a group public appearance. Yoongi never takes confrontation well, and Namjoon always tries his best to put it off until they have a couple hours to properly talk things out. But today they don't have that luxury. ARMY knows them too well, and Namjoon knows that the second Yoongi steps out of the van, ARMY will know that something's wrong. It's all too easy to read Yoongi's slumped shoulders and gloomy disposition.
"Are you one-hundred percent sure that there isn't anything I should know about Yoongi hyung before I face certain death?" Namjoon deadpans to Jimin, crossing his arms in the hopes that he'll look more intimidating. Jimin hesitates, but instead of answering (like Namjoon was hoping for) the boy only smiles dolefully and shakes his head.
"M'sorry, hyung." Jimin really does sound sorry, his soft tone painted in remorse, "But I promised Yoongi hyung I wouldn't tell anyone, and I don't want to break his trust."
Namjoon has to admit that that's a smart idea. Breaking Yoongi's trust would probably result in death. Either that, or he'd pettily ignore you for an extremely long time, and you'd spend the rest of your pitiful life feeling awful because deep down (and I mean DEEP down) Yoongi is a softie and hurting him is something only a terrible person would do.
"Alright." Namjoon heaves a breath, "Then I'm going to have to talk to hyung himself. Take care of the guys for me if I die, eh, Hoseok?"
Hoseok snorts a laugh, but his eyes never leave Yoongi's hunched figure. Namjoon doesn't blame him. Yoongi looks like he could keel over at any moment.
With that cheery thought spurring him on, Namjoon forces his feet to walk towards danger, and not away from it. Namjoon tries to mentally prepare himself to face AgustD's wrath-- Yoongi can be a horror of verbal brutality if he wants to be. As awful as it sounds, Namjoon really hopes that Yoongi is too tired to yell at him.
Yoongi doesn't once look up from his phone as Namjoon approaches, too absorbed into whatever he's reading. His dark eyes flicker back and forth rapidly across the screen, and Namjoon can't help but notice the dark circles under Yoongi's eyes that their makeup noona is struggling to cover up. Yoongi looks almost sickly up close; his eyes bloodshot and his skin an unhealthy shade of blueish white.
Namjoon gets a sudden flashback to their debut days where Yoongi always looked like death, and had anxiety attacks twice a week when hiding in the bathroom. He had looked just like this every time--with the addition of his lips quivering and his entire body shaking with tremors as he fought off his own mind. Namjoon hasn't seen him look this awful in ages, and the leader panics a little at the realization that--
Yoongi had another episode last night.
What hurts the worst, though, is the fact that he doesn't want them to know about it. Yoongi is obviously in pain. His exhaustion is as clear as day, and the pallor of his skin gives away just how sick he feels. Yet for some reason that Namjoon can't understand, Yoongi refuses to ask for help.
For as long as they've been a little family of seven, Namjoon would've thought that Yoongi had learned how to open up at least a little. But it seems that nothing has changed. Yoongi's still stubbornly trying to carry his own burdens as well as helping everyone else with theirs. Namjoon wishes Yoongi could see how much he's hurting himself.
"Hi hyung." Namjoon greets with his trademark dimple, unknowingly sitting in the exact same seat Hoseok sat in less than 10 minutes ago.
"Mm." Yoongi grunts in acknowledgement, not even bothering to lift his head. Namjoon purses his lips, his chest aching as he sees right through Yoongi's cold facade to the hurt hovering underneath.
"How are you holding up?" Namoon asks, hiding his worry behind his steady tone. He smiles as bright as he can manage, his signature dimples appearing in his cheeks.
The question is all it takes for Yoongi to finally look away from his phone, his eyebrows creased in displeasure. His eyes meet Namjoon's-- intense and dark with turmoil. The circles under his eyes are even more prominent now that he's raised his head, and Namjoon struggles not to frown in concern.
"Holding up?" Yoongi mutters the words as if they leave a bitter taste in his mouth. He scrunches his nose and scowls, "I'm fine, Joon. Tired, but fine. How about you? Is the staff about ready to head out?"
"I'm doing good." Namjoon answers honestly, his heart warming. Even when Yoongi is obviously feeling awful, he still makes sure that his members are doing alright. Namjoon's chest swells with respect and adoration for his little hyung, "We should be heading out in about 15 minutes, hyung. As soon as the noonas finish up with you and Kookie."
Yoongi nods in approval, shooting the leader a quick thumbs up before looking back down at his phone.
Well that didn't work. Maybe I should try a more tactful approach.
"Um- hyung?" Namjoon asks, his voice coming out a lot more timid than he expected. Yoongi easily picks up on the hesitance in Namjoon's voice and quickly looks back up from his phone, his lips pursed in a worried frown.
"What's up, Joon?" Yoongi prompts, turning his phone off and setting it on the counter as he turns to give Namjoon his full attention, "Is there something wrong?"
Yes! There's something wrong with you, and you won't admit it! Namjoon wants to shout the truth and shake Yoongi back and forth until the older boy accepts it, but he can't do that. The more you try to force Yoongi to do something, the harder it'll be to get him to do it. I wish I knew how to help you, hyung. But I won't be able to do anything until you tell me what's wrong.
"I'm just... worried. I'm worried about everyone being in good shape before our performance." Namjoon admits, the truth pouring out as he meets his attentive hyung's eyes, "I worry about the guys, you know? You included, hyung. And... you look a little worse for wear, so I wanted to make sure you're doing alright."
Yoongi smiles fondly at Namjoon's admission, his eyes crinkling in the corners as he reaches out to squeeze Namjoon's shoulder consolingly.
"I'm really glad that you take your leadership role so seriously, Joon-ah, but I don't know what's gotten into you and Hobi. I'm perfectly fine." Yoongi states again like it's a fool-proof fact, smiling as if Namjoon's concern was amusing, "I'm just a little tired. There's no need to worry about hyung. I'm alright."
Namjoon wants to blurt that it's their worry for Yoongi that's "gotten into" them, but he smartly keeps his mouth shut. Aggravating Yoongi will only end in an argument that Namjoon doesn't want to have. Yoongi needs to communicate with them, and he needs to ask for help when he needs it instead of hiding his pain behind a cold expression, but now is not the time to bring the issue up. They're leaving to the venue in less than fifteen minutes.
I'll talk to him again after this whole ordeal is over. Namjoon decides, filing away the event in his mental schedule. Maybe he'll admit that there's something wrong when we don't have an important performance looming over us.
With that desperate hope burning in Namjoon's chest, he smiles at Yoongi and nods respectfully before standing and walking away.
* * * *
Contrary to what Yoongi told Namjoon, Yoongi feels downright awful. Walking is nearly impossible-- like pushing his way through a pool of molasses, and the world spins chaotically whenever he stands up too fast. His vision is hazy as well; everything looks foggy and distorted like a reflection in agitated water. Yoongi knows that he should probably tell someone that dancing while in this condition won't turn out very well, but he can't bring himself to break the bad news-- everyone's so excited for their big performance. No way is Yoongi going to be the one to rain on their parade.
They've got enough weighing on their shoulders already. They don't need to worry about me on top of that. I'm the second eldest- I'm the one who should be worrying about them, not the other way around.
His mind made up, Yoongi steels himself for a long day of suffering. His headache is bound to get worse the longer they have to sit and listen to the crowd shriek, and he can only imagine how miserable he's going to feel during their performance. The only bright spot he can see in the near future is the chance to see Byeol-ah at the venue-- but even that hope is marred by the memory of her motionless body lying on the cold cement floor in his nightmare.
It's not going to happen. Yoongi drills the thought into his head, clenching his hands bone-tight around the armrests on either side of him. It can't happen. It was just a nightmare, and nightmares don't come true, just like dreams don't magically come true. So stop being stupid, Min Yoongi, and get yourself together.
Even after all the sweet reassurances Jimin and Taehyung have given him, part of Yoongi is still expecting to experience the whole tragedy all over again. Yoongi hates being paranoid, but he can't just forget. How do you forget watching the life drain out of the people you love? How do you forget the pain of loss ripping you apart from the inside out? How do you forget the suffocating feeling of guilt because you couldn't do anything to save them? How do you forget wishing with your whole being that you were the one dying instead?
You don't.
He'll never forget the sorrowful acceptance on Jimin's deathly pale face as he apologized for failing to save their Byeol-ah. Yoongi wants to forget-- he wants to forget more than anything-- but he can't help but think that as soon as he lets his guard down, his worse nightmare will come true.
What's the consensus on the new cover? Is it cool? Boring?
I hope you guys liked the chapter, even though it was pretty short and entirely angst. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard so write, but it was a massive struggle to get this chapter done. But I did it! I'm glad I did, too. I miss updating. :(
Anyway, hope ya'll are doing good! Don't be afraid to comment- reading comments always makes me smile. I love ya'll~
~singformeangel