{WARNING! THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE AND ACTS OF SELF-HARM! READ AT OWN RISK!}
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"Nathan, I think I'm ready." I say as he looks at me confused.
"Ready for what?" He asks as I wheel myself towards him.
"I'm ready to start physio." I say as he frowns at me.
"I don't think physio is a good idea, Eva. Not now. I mean, it's not really gonna help you walk again." He says as I look at my hands.
"I just want to be the real me again. The me that can walk. The me that can do things for myself." I say while looking at my hands, letting a few tears fall.
Nathan lifts up my head and looks into my eyes before wiping away my tears.
"Eva, like I already said, you are still you. Things may be difficult but, you can't let your disability get in the way of hat you want to do. You can still do things for yourself and you can still do the things your love. Physio won't change anything and I'm here to help you. You know this." Nathan says as I nod and look back down at my hands.
"I just thought it might help." I say as Nathan nods.
"I know but, you're perfect the way you are. Please don't let this change you. Being disabled, this does not define you." Nathan says as I smile and nod again.
"Thank you, Nathan. Thank you for everything. The home, the support. I really appreciate it." I say as Nathan kisses my forehead.
"I'm always here. I promise." Nathan says as I smile and nod.
I wheel myself back to my room before pulling myself onto my bed and covering myself with my quilt. Once I'd gotten comfortable, I let my thoughts overtake my mind before bursting into tears.
I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this. I need to end it all but, that would destroy my family and friends. This isn't me. I need to numb this pain in my heart.
I go through my bedside table and pull out my pencil sharpener. I then grab an object to use as a screwdriver and unscrew the razor from the frame. Once I'd done that, I place the frame and the screw back into the draw and grab my first aid kit from the draw below.
I know that this could get bad and that things can get infected so, I clean my razor with my antiseptic wipes and grab my bandage and some more wipes, to clean myself up with. I count to 3 in my head before digging the razor deep into my arm and slicing through the skin.
Hissing at the pain, I continue to slice deep into my skin. 2, 3, 4, I lose count after 6 and keep doing it, hoping that the emotions I have are gonna disappear soon and be replaced by the stinging sensation in my arm. Soon enough I stop and start to clean up my arm with the wipes.
My arm stings from the cuts and burns from the wipes but, I don't care right now. I just want all this emotion to leave and never come back. Once I'd stopped the bleeding slightly, I padded up my arm before wrapping the bandage around it, holding the padding in place.
I sigh before cleaning my razor and placing it in my draw again. I know that self-harm is only a temporary pain relief but, it's really helping. I then look at the hook above my door and start to wonder if Nathan had any rope but, he'd want to know what I need it for and I don't have an excuse.
What about if I search through the garage and not tell him that I have it? No. I can't do that to him or my family and friends. It'd kill them and I don't want to hurt the people I love. What am I gonna do now?
I let my thoughts drift away while I lay in bed, trying to get some sleep but, all I could think about was doing myself over.
I shake my head before finally falling into a deep sleep.
Letting my thoughts drift away.