Alexis
4:52am
When I see the time displayed on my alarm clock I groan in frustration and roll over in a fruitless attempt to find a more comfortable sleep position.
Yet another night where sleep just won't come.
I toss and turn for a while longer but eventually give up and get out of bed, quickly changing into some clothes I can run in.
It has been a week to the day since I killed Jonah, and I've barely slept a wink. I've been going out of my mind, seeing his face in crowds or every time I close my eyes. I'm constantly on edge, worried that someone in the gang will know what I did and come after me, or worse - come after someone I love.
For now, no one suspects I was involved. I've slipped under the radar for the most part, because Jonah was the only person keeping me involved in the gang in the first place. Javi came to ask me if I've heard from Jonah, and I just told him I haven't heard from him since I paid him back. He didn't blink twice and told me he'd keep me updated then left, and I haven't heard from anyone since.
That doesn't ease my mind at all though.
What if they find out? I'll be dead before I even know they know. The only thing that helps ease my anxiety is the fact that as far as I know, only Jonah knew about my feelings for Billie and how to use them against me. I doubt any of them even know I have a girlfriend. So at very least I know that if shit goes down, she won't get sucked in. Of course, that's not a guarantee. After all I'm still with her, so if things get ugly again I'll have to keep her at an arms length.
Fuck, why does everything have to be so complicated?
I put my earbuds in as I walk out of my house and shuffle my running playlist before I take off down the cracked, uneven sidewalk. I run hard, too hard, until my chest burns and my bad knee feels like it's going to snap under me. And then I keep running. I don't even think about where I'm going, I just go.
Running used to be my favorite way to clear my head, but it doesn't work anymore. I can't outrun the images of Jonah bleeding out on the dirty floor in front of me, while the gun I held was practically still smoking.
The blood.
Suddenly, I stop running and hunch over, my hands resting on knees while I take labored breaths and try to force the images out of my head. I have no idea how long I've been running for, but it's been at very least an hour and a half. And it's not working.
I bury my face in my hands as I keep trying to get air in my lungs to no avail, and I quickly realize it's not that I've been running so hard- I'm having another panic attack. I had my first one ever on the same night I pulled the trigger, and since then it's been close to a daily occurrence.
I try to focus on my breathing the way I read I should do online, but I can't focus on anything other than the images flashing in my head; Jonah's eyes when the bullet hit him, him falling to his knees, the blood- so much of it. My vision starts to get bright and blurred around the edges, and I try to blink it away but it only gets worse. My breathing gets more labored and I grasp at my phone, almost dropping it as I fiddle with the armband that's holding it because my hands are so shaky. I unlock it and scroll until I see Billie's name then press call, bringing it up to my ear with a shaky hand.
Please pick up.
"Hello?" she answers and if I had control of my breaths I would sigh in relief.
"Baby I can't-" I cut myself off as I try to take another shaky breath. "I can't breathe."
"Why? What's wrong?" she asks worriedly and I hear shuffling in the background.
"P-panic attack," I answer and sit down on the patch of grass beside me, burying my head between my knees.
"Just focus on me, okay?" she says and I shut my eyes tightly while I do my best to focus on her voice and nothing else. "Copy my breathing," she instructs and takes a deep breath, holding it for a moment before letting it go.
I do my best to copy her and struggle for a bit, but eventually I start to match her pace fairly well.
"Good, keep doing that and just listen to me," she says and I listen, continuing to take deep breaths. Well, trying my best to take deep breaths. "Think about something that makes you feel calm."
You.
"Whenever I'm overwhelmed now I think about when we went camping together, try that," she suggests and I try to do as told.
I keep my eyes closed and let my mind drift,
my breaths slowly getting steadier as I think back to our second night at the campsite.
"But what about the bears?"
I look at Billie while I put an extra jacket on over my pjs and roll my eyes playfully, "You're such a baby."
"Says the bitch who nearly pissed herself when she saw a spider yesterday!" she whisper-shouts defensively and I laugh quietly.
We can't be too loud because everyone else is asleep, and our tents don't provide much in terms of sound proofing. Both of us had trouble getting to sleep, so we decided to layer up and take some blankets out with us to find a spot for some star gazing.
"I refuse to let you shame me for my completely rational fear," I grumble and grab my blanket and sleeping bag. "Now hurry up, I wanna see the stars."
She puts a warmer jacket on then grabs her blanket and sleeping bag as well. Once we're both ready I unzip the tent and get out, zipping it back up when Billie gets out with all her things. We lug our stuff away from the campsite and wander towards a clearing in the trees we saw earlier, near the perimeter of the lake.
Once we find the same spot we start setting our things down. I unzip my sleeping bag all the way then lay it out on the ground, placing my blanket on top of it for extra cushioning. We then lay down and Billie puts her blanket and unzipped sleeping bag over us for warmth.
"Holy shit," I mumble as I lay back and look up at the sky, finding myself gazing at the clearest night sky I have ever seen.
I smile when I feel Billie snuggle into my side and wrap my arm around her, rubbing her arm gently to provide some extra warmth.
"Do you know anything about constellations?" she whispers and I nod slightly.
"A little bit," I mumble and search the sky for something I can tell her about. "You see those three little stars that look really close together?" I ask and point at where I'm looking, though it's not much help.
"Uh no," Billie mumbles then perks up. "Wait yes!"
"That's Orion's belt," I tell her and guide her eyes to the rest of the constellation with my finger. "The ancient Egyptians believed the stars were a God called Sah."
"How do you know that stuff?" she asks and I shrug.
"I like reading about this kinda thing."
"I would call you a nerd but this is really cool," she mumbles and I tilt my head to look at her, smiling softly when I find a look of pure wonder on her face. God, she's so beautiful.
She tilts her head and raises an eyebrow when she finds me staring down at her already.
"What?"
I shrug and smile, "You're just cute."
"You're lame," she teases, but the grin on her lips gives her away.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
My eyes flutter open again and I find that my vision is no longer bright and blurry, which is a relief. I take a deep breath and let it out, my shoulders relaxing when I realize my breathing is mostly back to normal.
"Thank you," I say quietly, suddenly embarrassed for some reason.
"That was all you, Lex. Where are you?" she asks and I look around, realizing pretty quickly that I have no idea.
"I don't know, I just kinda ran without thinking," I mumble and push myself up from the ground. "I'm sorry if I woke you up."
"You didn't, I was up early. But even if you did it would be okay," she says and I start walking to the corner so I can see what street I'm on. "I didn't know you had panic attacks."
"Neither did I," I mumble and curse to myself when I realize how far from home I am. "I gotta go, it's gonna take me a long ass time to get home from here."
"Just tell me where you are, I'll pick you up," she says and I bite my lip hesitantly because I don't know if I want Billie to see what a mess I am right now.
I reluctantly decide to give her the street I'm on and she tells me she loves me and to sit tight before she hangs up, leaving me with my thoughts again.
I take a shaky breath and sit down on the curb, putting my arms over my knees so I can rest my head on them. Do you ever get so tired it feels like your head is swimming? I think I've been stuck in that state for a whole week now.
I don't know how long later it is when a car pulls up in front of me and I look up to see that it's Billie, which somehow immediately puts me a bit more at ease. How does she do that?
I get up and open the passenger side door then slump down in the seat, feeling more drained than I think I ever have. I look over at Billie to find a face of concern looking back at me, which makes me frown. I hate that she has to worry about me.
"You okay?" she asks softly and reaches over to cup my cheek sweetly. I close my eyes and lean into her touch, and she starts rubbing her thumb across my cheekbone gently.
"Better now," I mumble and smile ever so slightly when she leans over the console to kiss my forehead.
"You haven't been sleeping," she notes and I open my eyes again so I can look at her.
"Is it that obvious?" I ask and she nods sympathetically.
"Come on, you're coming back to mine for a nap," she says and pulls away from me so she can drive off.
"But your parents-"
"Will forgive you once you tell them your side of things," she cuts me off and I bite my lip anxiously at the thought of seeing them, let alone talking to them. "Why aren't you sleeping?"
Because I killed someone and it haunts me.
"Finals week," I mumble simply and look out the window as we drive down the street towards Billie's house.
"You got it, you're the smartest person in that place," she says and I jump slightly when she reaches over to take my hand. "Woah, relax," she says and laces her fingers with mine. "Why so jumpy?"
"Just out of it," I say quietly.
I look down at our hands, hating that all I can think about is how I have blood on mine. No matter how much I try to tell myself I did the right thing, it continues to eat me alive.
Eventually we pull up to Billie's house and she lets go of my hand so she can park and take her seatbelt off. I bite my lip anxiously as I look at her house, my stomach twisting with dread when I think about seeing her parents.
"Don't worry, they're not home yet. We'll talk to them after you get some rest," she says as if she can read my mind.
When we get to Billie's room she goes straight to her closet to get me fresh clothes to sleep in while I sit down on the bed with Pepper. I start scratching her belly when she whines at me and Billie smiles when she looks over.
"She's got you wrapped around her...paw? I guess."
I laugh at that and she smiles wider when I do then tosses me the clothes she got for me. I catch them and get up, quickly stripping down and changing into them.
I let out a little sigh of happiness when the familiar scent of vanilla fills my nostrils and I close my eyes to savor it.
"Thanks, Bil," I mumble and crawl back onto the bed, getting under the covers quickly.
She gets in with me and I turn to face away from her, which gives her the hint to wrap her arms around me and pull me flush against her front. It always blows my mind that Billie managed to knock my walls down and get me to be vulnerable her like this, and I'll be forever grateful.
"I got you," she whispers and places a sweet kiss on my neck, making my eyelids flutter shut.
I don't know how she does it, but for the first time in a while I drift off to sleep almost immediately.
I don't know how long I've been asleep when I wake up to people talking down the hall. Well, talking is a bit of an understatement, they're right on the line of yelling.
"She needed me!" I hear Billie's voice through the door, a little muffled but clear enough to make out.
"That doesn't change the fact we told you she isn't welcome here," her dad says back and my shoulders slump when I realize what's happening.
Yet again, I'm causing a rift between Billie and her family, which is the absolute opposite of what I want. I'm such a burden on her.
Why is she even with me?
"Which is bullshit in the first place!" Billie argues and I sigh softly because I can hear she's getting riled up, which won't help our case. "Please just...just hear her out, okay? Give me that much."
I hear Patrick let out a heavy sigh and mumble something in response, but I can't hear what. I can't hear what Billie says back either, but then I hear her footsteps coming back down the hall.
She opens the door quietly and pokes her head in, her lips curling into a cute smile when she sees that I'm awake.
"Hey sleepy head, how you feeling?" she asks and sits down on the edge of her bed.
"Better, thanks to you," I say quietly and hold my hand out, pulling her into me when she takes it. "What time is it?"
"Almost two," she answers and I raise my eyebrows in surprise while I wrap my arms around her and hold her close. "My parents are home."
"I heard," I mumble and nuzzle into her neck. "Should I leave out the window?"
"No, they're willing to hear you out," she mumbles back and starts playing with my hair while I kiss her neck softly.
I groan softly at the thought and keep my face hidden in her neck, "That sounds like a nightmare, I'd rather just sneak out."
"But they'll forgive you when you explain your side," she insists and I pull back to look at her.
"But what if they don't?" I ask weakly and hang my head. "Billie everything they said...the looks they gave me...I just- I can't face them again," I mumble and she cups my cheeks to make me look at her.
"It's going to be okay, I promise," she says so firmly that part of me believes her. "And then you'll be able to come on tour with me."
"But-"
"But nothing," she cuts me off and looks into my eyes intently. "You're free now, Lex. You can come with me," she reminds me. "I mean, if you want to," she adds a little shyly.
"Of course I want to," I say quietly and smile a little at the thought. My mind has been so preoccupied by other things that it never really clicked in my head that I can spend my summer however I want to now, which does mean I technically could go on Billie's tour.
"Then you have to talk to my parents," she points out and I grunt in frustration but don't protest.
"They're not gonna forgive me."
"Don't underestimate them," she says and kisses my cheek sweetly before pulling away. "Let's go now. Rip the bandaid off."
I take a deep breath and take a moment to collect myself then let Billie pull me up from the bed. She kisses me sweetly when I'm on my feet and a small smile tugs at my lips because she's just so fucking adorable.
We then make our way out of her room and down the hall to the living room where her parents are waiting. They both have frowns on their faces as they watch me cautiously, as if I'm a threat. It's a stark contrast to the warm and inviting smiles I used to get, and it makes my stomach twist.
"Hi..." I say awkwardly and sit down on the couch across from them beside Billie.
"Hello, Alexis," Patrick says formally and I look down at my lap, fiddling with my fingers anxiously. "How are you?"
I look up at him again, surprised by the question, "Uh, you know, I've been better. But school's almost done so that's good," I reply and scratch the back of my neck nervously.
"Relax," Billie whispers and takes my hand, interlocking our fingers and squeezing reassuringly.
"Look, I wanna start by saying there's no excuse for bringing what I did into your home. I'm so sorry," I say and avoid their eyes. "That was me being stupid and reckless and inconsiderate, I acknowledge that."
"It was," Maggie says simply and I look down at my lap again, bouncing my knee up and down rapidly. "Why on earth would you have those things in the first place?"
I glance at Billie and she gives me a small, reassuring smile as she squeezes my hand again. I take a breath then look at them properly, and start telling them exactly what I told Billie. I tell them about how I always wanted to stay away from that stuff, and managed to for a long time. I tell them about how Luke got sucked in and slowly got greedier and greedier until it came crashing down on him. I tell them about how Jonah killed him before forcing me to pay the debt he left behind by working for him. They ask me a lot of questions, and I answer all of them honestly.
Except when Patrick asks if I've ever shot anyone, and I tell him no.
After what feels like an eternity, but was actually probably closer to an hour, they run out of questions and I run out of things to say.
"I am so sorry you were forced to go through all of that, Alexis," Maggie says quietly and I hang my head because I can hear the pity in her voice.
I hate pity.
"And I'm sorry we were so harsh on you without understanding the full picture," Patrick chimes in and I shake my head.
"It's okay, I totally understand why you did," I mumble and shrug off his apology. "You were just trying to protect your family."
"But now I understand that you're no threat," he says and my stomach twists a little because part of me doesn't believe that's true.
"So can she come on tour?" Billie asks hopefully and they give each other a look, as if they're having a silent conversation.
After an agonizing silence they both look at us again and Maggie says, "You're more than welcome, Alexis."
"Fuck yes!" Billie shouts, which earns a look from her parents. "Oh come on! Let me be excited!"
For some reason, I'm having trouble getting as excited as her. I don't know why, but I just feel like it's too good to be true. Things almost never go in my favor, so there's no point getting excited about anything knowing that at any moment it can get ripped away.
"We're touring together!" Billie says happily and tackles me back onto the couch, snapping me out of my thoughts.
I force a smile while she peppers my face with kisses, and I can hear Maggie and Patrick whispering about how nice it is to see her so happy.
"I love you," she mumbles as she nuzzles into my neck.
"I love you too."
A/N
not as thoroughly edited as it probably should be sorry for mistakes
I might extend this a few chapters more than I thought I would because I thought of something else to add but I'm also really excited about the sequel I have in mind. this is hardddddd i'm so tempted to rush but i also want the chapters to be quality and enjoyable ya know?
anyways what are your thoughts I hope y'all are still enjoying the ride