I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
Brooklyn's P.O.V
I continued to knock on Luke's hotel door but he wasn't answering. Calum had come into our room ages ago but didn't say anything. I had been crying since Luke shut me out. I slammed my palm against the door one last time before I couldn't stand any longer. I turned against the door and slid down, bringing my knees to my chest as I continued to cry. I felt the burn run through my body and I started to scratch my scars then all over my body. I felt itchy and the burning sensation got more intense. I needed to shower so badly; I needed the itching to go away. I leant my head back against the door and took a shaky breath.
"Brooklyn..." I looked over to see a guilty looking Ashton standing just outside the door.
"Go away," I whispered then leant my head back again and closed my eyes.
"I'm sorry...I just"
"Please Ash," I whispered brokenly. "Just please leave me alone"
"Ok," he said. "I'll leave the door open so you can come in when you're ready," he muttered.
I gulped loudly before hauling my heavy body from the floor and using the wall to keep myself balanced. I opened the door slowly and walked to my suitcase. I pulled out my strapless, mint dress, A Tale Of New tights, my white cardigan and my mint, lace-up; crochet Oxfords then walked into the bathroom. I had my blade tucked into some of my clothes so they boys wouldn't see. After I'd stepped into the shower that's when everything crumbled. Not one inch of my skin, except for the top of my arms, was not covered in fresh, red, lines of demolition. I'd cut into my cheek a few times as well. After I padded myself dry and got dressed I got dressed, brushed my teeth, redid my make up and curled my air. I braided my fringe and pinned in under some hair to cover the bobby pins.
As I was about to open the bathroom door I saw something that quenched the burning in my body. I stared at the little orange container before taking it in my hands. I stared at it for what felt like eternity before I stumbled back and sat on the edge of the bathtub. I studied the label a few times.
May cause:
Changes in appetite
Difficulty keeping balance
Dizziness
Drowsiness
Dry mouth or throat
Headache
Impairment the next day
Uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body
Unusual dreams
Weakness
Warning- overdose may lead to
Loss of consciousness
Blurred vision
Nausea and vomiting
Dizziness
Shortness of breath
Drowsiness
Death
The last one sounded inviting. I mean I regretted everything. I'd ruined myself to no end just because he broke his promise. Isn't it funny how it hurts the most when someone promises you they'd never do something but do it anyway just to mess with you? That's what's got me perched on the edge of the white bathtub tossing the translucent orange bottle between my hands. It's just mistakes, mine and his just messed into one giant, unfixable ball of mistakes. I ran my short nails along the grip of the white cap keeping the pills contained. The only thing that ran through my mind was what I did to hurt him. That's why he's in his room and I'm in here, no one aware of my plan. It hurt too much to think so I just wrapped my palm around the cap and twisted.
I continued sitting there reading the label again and again. I've read it so many times in the past hour that I probably know it off by heart.
"Brooklyn," Calum's voice said front the other side of the door as he knocked. "Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," told him then rushed off the tub and put the pills back into the cupboard.
"You've been in there for over an hour"
"I'll be out in a second," I said then stared at my reflection.
I took a deep breath then unlocked the door. I looked up at the older boy and he gave me a sad smile, obviously noticing I'd been crying. He pulled me into a hug so I hugged back.
"He's destroyed," Calum told me.
"I know," I whispered. "Ashton kissed me. I didn't kiss back, I pushed him off but Luke saw and now he hates me. Calum I never wanted this to happen," I said and started crying again.
"Hey," he cooed pulling me back into his chest. "It will all be ok," he told me.
"Nothing will be ok as long as Luke hates me. I love him Calum"
"I know, I know," after a while I pulled back and wiped my eyes with a slight laugh.
He held my face in his hands and kissed my forehead before bringing me into a brief hug.
"Where are you going?" Ashton asked.
"To be by myself," I said and he looked confused. "I'm going to my happy place to be by myself. That's the truth and if you don't believe me then..." he looked at me expectantly. "Forget it," I said grabbing my phone, which had my earbuds, plugged in then dumped my clothes by the door.
I walked back into the bathroom grabbing my pills then walked out the back to get a small water pistol. I grabbed a bottle of vodka from the cupboard then walked out. The boys had disappeared somewhere so I just shrugged. I walked quite a bit until I got to the all too familiar gate. I crouched through the gap in the fence then walked to the old bench a few meters away from the edge. I sat on the bench and placed everything but my phone beside me.
I play I Don't Want To Lose You by Jamestown Story as I stared at the water pistol beside me. I picked it up but looked at the view for a while. I looked back down at the plastic gun in my hands than over at the vodka. I pulled out the plug to the gun and unscrewed the cap to the glass bottle. I filled the pistol, some of the liquid coming into contact with the ground. I grabbed my little orange bottle, unscrewing the cap and pulled out one of the pills. I tilted my head back and put the pill at the back of my throat. I skirted some of the liquid into my mouth and swallowed. I then took a handful and threw them in, downing vodka from the transparent gun. I wiped my mouth with my arm and dropped the bottle, it bouncing. I then lowered my arm, dropping the gun also.
I took a big breath and stood on the chair. So Cold by Ben Cocks came on and I smiled at the memory running through my head. I put my arms up like a bird does its wings when it's flying and started moving them like a child when they pretend they're a plane. I started spinning slowly continuing the actions with my arms.
"You caused my heart to bleed and, you still owe me a reason," I sang but my music got interrupted.
Luke's P.O.V
"Where's Brooklyn?" Calum asked in a panic as he stood at my door.
"Why?"
"Her pills and a bottle of vodka are gone"
"We have vodka?"
"Out of all of that, all you got was we have vodka?" he said disgusted.
"Whatever man"
"You're a grade A dick, you know that?" I stared at him wide-eyed.
"Excuse me?"
"She's going to try and kill herself and you don't seem to give a shit. I thought you'd be the worst of us all," he left but Ashton immediately replaced him, walking up to my bed.
"Get up," he ordered but I shrugged him off. "Lucas Robert Hemming get your scrawny ass off that bed before I punch you," I groaned, doing as he'd ordered.
"What?" I spat.
That's when he punched me, "you need to stop being a child and be a fucking man. She shouldn't have to feel so bad about herself that she kills herself. I did this not her and you pretty much ignored her for two weeks before hand. So grow a pair of balls and walk into that room," I stared at Ashton in shock but did so quickly.
When I got there Calum had his phone on speaker as it rang, "look who decided to give a shit," I rolled my eyes and we all called out when she picked up.
"Where are you?" Calum asked.
"I'm at my happy place," she said in a daze like state.
"Brooklyn, where is that?" Michael asked.
"Where I'm most happy," she giggled.
"How many pills have you taken?"
"There's none left. They're all gone. By the way, you're going to need more vodka," she giggled.
"Brooklyn snap out of it. We're coming to get you so we need to know where you are," Ashton said.
"Is Luke there?"
"I'm here," I said starting to get worried.
"You know the night before Ashton kissed me?"
"Yeah?"
"I was right against the wall. I heard everything you said," she said tauntingly. "It's so pretty out here," she thought aloud.
"Where's that?" I asked.
"That place where some guy jumped and they had to fence it off. Don't worry I'm not going to jump. Hopefully I just...fall"
"I know where she is!" I shouted running to the car and we all got in.
"Brooklyn stay on the phone," Calum told her.
"Tell Luke I love him," she said then the line went dead.
It was a short drive to the cliff but once we were there I climbed through the hole and there she was, spinning on the chair. I slowly walked closer but I could see the spins were tired and she could barely keep her arms up.
"You can't hear me cry," she muttered but one of her feet got caught on the other and she fell.
I grunted when she fell into my arms but I started panicking her eyes were closed, "call 911," I shouted.
Calum began talking really fast then came the instructions, "sit her up," we did. "Someone needs to make her vomit," we looked at each other so I gave Michael the side of her I was holding.
"What do I do?" I asked.
"I don't know. Stick your fingers down her throat," and I did.
She looked up to see me then just...broke down.