"I am destroying myself so that other people can't," she said, "and it's the worst kind of control but it's the only form I know." - S.Z.
Aurora's Pov.
I was scared. There wasn't any other word or words that could describe it. If I entered a room all windows had to be free and then I had to check them all. My face was always scrunched up and my body was always tense. One thing I had learnt though was to not show it. If I did then people asked and I didn't want to lie. So I was forced to smile and being my shoulders back. Spencer had kept his distance and I couldn't find any reason to blame him. Fear, and it was real, seemed to encircle me. Anna was worried but I managed to distract her in any way possible. My lecturers were too busy to notice me and that was the way I wanted it to be. Macy worked with me and I knew she saw something was up but we both silently agreed to ignore the fact. To us, it was what it was supposed to be. That was until we began to actually practice a short performance. I wore leggings and a tight top and she wore something similar. Both of us wore black pop socks and our shoes were on the side.
Her hair was vibrant ginger and freckles let loose on her face. They were pale and a few darker. Macy had eyes like an angel as she could light a room with the pale green that fed into a light blue centre. Her eyelashes were long and dark without makeup and her eyebrows were plucked into a perfected shape. The long and smooth hair washed down her back to her waist. A length I had always loved to have. My hair was always being cut before but now it was left to grow. I had always resented my short hair.
"Hey, I noticed something has been off since you left. Is everything olay? I haven't seen you in the local shops like usual." I went to the splits, almost as I couldn't quite do them yet and began to stretch my legs out. I let a small groan leave as my back clicked and it felt so good.
"Yeah. A few issues but they turned out to be the wrong ones." She went straight down to the splits and put me to shame. Her back in a perfectly straight position and then she let her hands move down to her ankle as she lay flat. Clearly, there was some hesitation to answer and she seemed to not completely believe me.
"Tell me it all." I licked my teeth in thought and worry before I leant a little forward and felt my muscles relax. It would be a day or two before I could completely do the splits without such a warm-up but I could still do them after a few stretches.
"Why don't we go for coffee and then I will tell you? In a place with more of a public view. Just in case anything happens." Macy let her body fling back up and then she was jumping to my feet. I knew that meant that she wanted it all over with sooner rather than later, I got to my feet and got into our ready position. The song began and I let my back arch as I did a last-second stretch just before Macy stood at my side and we ran in with the song.
A slight sweat was seen on both of us but to my amazement, we ran through the song in a few moments with no issues at all. I sighed and took a swig of my water as I sat on a chair. Macy brought me to my feet as we warmed down. Her face was one I just trusted. A face many people could and did trust.
"So, Starbucks and then we can come back to my dorm because I don't have any sort of designated roommate and we can chat shit until the sun sets or the world ends." For the world to end it seemed drastic and loud but peace could also be established. Clearly, I felt it wouldn't be that bad if the world was to end.
"Okay." I grabbed my bag as she grabbed her rucksack and we left. Her car was only an old one but it was expected by university students all over the world to have awful and atrocious cars. Though it ran smoothly and relatively quietly. My body was only sent into the air because of bumps once and after that, I was quick to remember my buckle.
"So, spill." Macy had been biting her tongue all the way to and from the coffee shop. I had no drink but I did take a quick sip from Macy's cup. She didn't seem to mind as I was holding it as she drove. Her cupholders were a little loose as they couldn't support a cup properly. I was proud and the idea of me learning to drive crossed my mind. I was fully aware of the fact that Spencer would in no way agree but we were so on and off I had doubts he could remember my name at any point.
"Not much to be honest. I thought I was just going crazy because I was seeing this man in the crowd or at my window. The doctors let me believe in what they believed in, that it was my past catching up with me. That I felt scared Robert and Melissa were going to find me or that other time I was taken because Spencer liked me. Anyway, it turns out he followed me. So, I wasn't insane just a real man was following me." Her face kept switching with a mound of emotions at my response.
"Who is Robert and Melissa? Who is Spencer and why would you hurt him? Also, are you okay?" There was a seriousness and also a joke to her voice as I sat with her on the sofa in the large space.
"Sorry. Thought you knew, I have a special helper. Anna calls it a scholarship or at the least, something like that. That is because I am German but my mum gave birth to me a few weeks before I was due. She also just so happened to be here in America. When I got a little older I had some Visa issues and so had to attend a German-speaking school in the states. When I was about twelve I got a little lost on my way, by that I mean I was taken. For longer than I care to say the place became home. Spencer was brought to me because I was going a little bit loopy. Isolation, a word I only just learnt, messes you up. We got in a fortunate situation as his team, he is FBI, came and found him and also me. I went to Germany, then returned again to study the arts. I was alone a lot and so sang and played the piano a lot. Some man with a bad backbone then took people close to Spencer's team. I was one of them. So yeah, that is what was leading the doctors to think I was crazy." A hug was launched at me and I had to hold my hand out to catch me.
"What did you do for those years? You are only in your twenties now." I looked down and fought back tears. Some people had said that really nothing bad happened in that cold room but it all made me feel things, bad things that I didn't want to feel. The idea of me and the images. Spencer had seen them and I had hoped no one would ever see the horrible things.
"I was alone mostly. Every few days the two people would bring food and possibly a few clothes but they also made me take bad and ugly pictures. I would be wearing nothing in most and the rest I may as well have worn nothing." She brought her lips between her teeth as her hand rubbed circles all over my back. She was warm and all too quickly we found ourselves asleep on the sofa in a small heap.
When I opened my eyes a pair of arms were around me and keeping me against a person behind me. They couldn't have been Macy as she had a large enough bust. The hands were large and soft. I could feel it against my bare skin as my top had lifted slightly. In an instant, I jolted up and I ran to a wall. To me, it was the safest place. When I did this, the room came into view. It wasn't a room I had been in before. My eyes refused to meet the human on the sofa. Scared of who it may be. A groggy voice came from the bed.
"It's still the morning. What are you even doing?" The double bed kept me from facing the person and so they moved around to the edge of the bed but I refused to look up at them.
"I want to go home. Please let me go." Tears had begun to form. What if that man had got to me? This all ended as panic rushed into me as I heard the man climb from the bed to me. His hand lifted my chin so that I would meet his eyes but I kept my eyes closed.
"Aurora. Stop it, it is me. Spencer." My eyes sprang open and I saw him. Confused. All I could feel was confused. Why was I in a bed that I didn't recognise with a man I did not fall asleep with?
"I went to your dorm. When I got there I was scared because Anna told me you had not returned from practice. Macy figured Anna would be worried that you weren't back yet. I told her I would come to get you and bring you to mine." I nodded slowly and straightened my legs so that my back moved up the wall until I was stood. Spencer stood far quicker than me and we walked into an unfamiliar space.
"Spencer. Why don't I recognise your house or remember this place?" I rubbed my eyes to remove sleep and smudged mascara ran up my hand. My skin was going to be so dry and nasty.
"I moved to a new place. Still in a building complex but slightly better. The dark rooms are a little less dark and the walls thicker so I can cry a little louder." Clearly, he was just joking but I didn't like it. He shouldn't even be thinking about crying. I let my eyes move to my clothes and I blanched red but luckily Spencer had his back to me and so couldn't see.
"Spencer. Where are my leggings?" He let a hand point to a sofa and I was so confused and unsure of what had happened the night before. He wouldn't have used me but I was legging less.
"In sleep, you decided they were too much of a nuisance. Oh, nuisance is something that is causing a problem or inconvenience. That description probably didn't help but anyway, we need to eat. What do you want?" His body was odd and tense.
"Spencer. Tell me what is wrong with you and I might be able to help. Nuisance and an inconvenience are things that cause some sort of problems or problem. I can't ever quite remember, anyway, I am not hungry. I want to talk to you. See, I spent years trying to read people, when Robert said left and I didn't know what the word meant I had to learn and slowly he added more words that I learnt. Mostly by the books. Talk to me and I will listen." Spencer walked up to me and tried to put a kiss on my head but I walked to the sofa and pulled him with me to it.
"Spencer. I want love, don't worry this isn't just you, I mean one day it would be nice. I am saying this because I have read all the book. Um, dictionary, I think, and there is a major not the same between love and lust. I think you feel lust, not even the start of love." I was tired and he needed to hear it as I couldn't handle the constant push and pull of him.
"Rory. What is this all about? I know you. I also know that I care about you." I think he saw the mistake when he said it. My face was wiggling slightly as I fought back the set of tears ready to fall. Tears and fear full on my face. He cared. Derek cared about me and he didn't want me.
"Spencer. We can be friends just not more and I am okay with that. I can go on with my life and if I find someone else, then I know you are off happy with another person you actually love and not just someone you care about. We can shop together." His face was a little red as he also looked upset. Clearly, I had struck a nerve or made him realise a mess in his head.
"Rory. I don't want to find someone else." I just nodded in a sort of knowing. He was having the same thoughts as me.
"I don't want to either but you and I can be just as happy. I mean, you only talk to me if I am in danger. Maybe you like the things I'm part of, not me. I like you and even thought at one point that I felt more. That wasn't right. We aren't right. I have to do the things I don't want to but I have to. I know that want and need are different. Sometimes the things we need aren't the things we even want." I got up from the sofa and walked to the kitchen where I got a drink and Spencer was quick to follow.
"Rory. Please." I couldn't take it and I just let my face give a forced smile that couldn't meet my eyes. Then I did what I couldn't do before. I just walked away. I wasn't trapped or being controlled anymore.